heck care.
currently listening to: Dao Dai [Jolin Cai]

i went to the NTU open house today.

once again i'm very attracted by the WKW SCI, but i know it's so hard to get in. i asked around and confirmed that you have to go for both a selection test and an interview, the former being related to current affairs and the latter... um, should be rather daunting.

and they are reserving 50 places for polytechnic students this year, so there will only be 130 places left for JC students (if they do not include the NS guys from the 2004 batch). so out of the 15,318 dragon JC students (over two thousand who scored straight As), they'll be taking 130 or even less.

um, i'm trying my best to be more confident about this but i think i'll most likely end up in business.

which is almost as competitive since my friends told me NTU is only accepting 500 students this year. really, i wonder what they are thinking. this is such a large batch with so many of us scoring good grades and they are like accepting even lesser students than usual?? i mean, even FASS at NUS is like that. are they really trying to kill off all the dragons since there seems to be a common conception (well, at least among ourselves) that there's just too many of us? i thought dragons are suppose to be auspicious creatures; it seems to make us worse off.

okayy i know this is not entirely a 'dragon-year-so-there-is-more-competition' issue. it all boils down to whether you have it or not.

it seems that getting straight As is no longer anything to be happy about (i don't even have straight As for that matter) because it's just so common, you're just going along with the flow. rather, 'S' papers seem to be the criteria for the elite today. it sounds harsh, especially to those who didn't do as well, but this is the reality that i'm trying to digest because i have to.

i really think, seriously think, that i should just chuck my studies aside. the focus is entirely wrong, and it's not getting me anything other than making me feel increasingly lousy about myself. what's with all the distinctions when i can't even feel good about myself? i'd rather end up in a lousy school if it can make me more of a people-person. good grades are just too transient.

you say i'm a pessimist?

yeah, it's because i studied too hard.

i'm increasingly persuaded by the thought of joining xinwei at NIE. i'm totally not attracted by business although it's my alternative choice; i'm just putting it down because it's the most realistic. at least in NIE, i wouldn't have to put up with all the competition of entering the job industry and be compelled to make it big in there in order to survive. it's really a neverending process, worse when it's a process where you know you can never make it to the top no matter how hard you try. i'm almost sure that 10 years down the road, life will turn out to be quite meaningless for me.

at least you can have a more meaningful journey in the education profession.

but this will mean that i'm giving up whatever dreams that i once had. ironic that my dreams may end up leading me to a meaningless life but... it just might.

i'm not thinking of the big bucks but just be able to do the things i like. but reality is such that i don't have what it takes to do so. it really hurts when your close ones around you tell you bluntly that you're not suitable for such a job and you should stick to traditional options like some kind of office job. i really hate it when they say that because it totally destroys whatever little confidence that i managed to have and they don't seem to know it. i hate this so so so much but i'm can't speak for myself because i know that it's true. what dreams? what interest? it's just an utopia that can never happen. life shall be meaningless and miserable. now any course is okay it doesn't matter anymore.

shit why am i crying.

if only my interest was in business; life would be better...

... if i had a life to begin with.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。