perhaps i should start over.
currently listening to: 华丽的冒险 [陈绮贞]

it started out as recounts of daily incidents.
then it became insights into the heart and soul.
and then it became darker.
and then i became lost.

disillusionment?
something that's suppose to make me stay connected
is making me drift further and further away.

it has come to a point where
i don't even know how i should write an entry anymore.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Sunday, May 20, 2007

1:56 AM

lost time.
currently listening to: 华丽的冒险 [陈绮贞]

they were close friends who went everywhere together. she thought their friendship was strong because they could interact so well with each other, they had the same thoughts, they had similar characters. it was common for them to sneak out of classes to go out of school just for the thrill of it. that was no big deal to them. they were very very young, just kids who were easily drawn to excitement and defiance. one day, they snuck out of class again, just to get some snacks at the minimart a few blocks away from school. on the way back, they saw a teacher getting off the taxi at the back gate. the teacher knew her friend, so they couldn't say they were from the earlier session. they got very flustered and started to hide behind the walls. she heaved a sigh of relief because all they had to do was to wait for the teacher to get into the school and they would be safe. but she heard her friend say "let's go now!" for a moment she thought she was mad, didn't she see the teacher standing there? she wanted to get her to wait but it was too late, she had started running towards the school. her mind went blank, she wanted to continue hiding because she knew what would follow. but she couldn't leave her friend in the lurch. she ran after her. things happened very quickly. they were in the principal's office. they were crying because the principal said he would expel them. all the defiance and desire for thrill and excitement was gone, they threw away the pride they used to brag about. they were pleading. recess time came and went, and they could hear their schoolmates walking back to class behind them. they couldn't see them because of the tinted glass window. she silently thanked god that the windows were tinted. but their sobbing contradicted sharply with the laughter from the other end of the window. their parents were called up. they were told to wait outside the principal's office. while waiting, a classmate came to the office to pick up something. he saw them and he had a questioning look on his face. a few minutes passed, it felt like a few hours to her. the verdict was passed: no one will be expelled, but there will be a black record. the principal stressed the word 'always'. they were sent back to class, no one seemed to be aware of their ordeal. but the two of them were unusually silent. the bell rang, her parents came to pick her up. it was rare that they did that. she knew what would be waiting for her at home. but instead her parents brought her out to eat. there was no beating, no harsh scolding, only constant reprimands and comments about breaking off with that friend. she was very surprised, but that made her feel even more guilty. the next day came and she went to school again. no one seemed to know anything about the incident. only herself and her friend. she didn't like the feeling. she wanted things to return to normal. she couldn't stand the guilt. she started to blame her friend for acting so recklessly. recess came, she walked off with another friend who used to hang around with them as well. and she told that friend: "let's not hang out with her anymore." time passed. finally it was graduation. she could sense the change that has occurred between them. they were in different cliques. she had always thought her friend looked out of place with the new clique. but she shoved the thought aside. they graduated to different schools. a few years later, they were in different JCs. MSN Messenger was popular, both of them were online, but they had never spoken to each other. one day, an MSN alert appeared on her computer. she invited her to her JC's open house. they chatted for a while and then they went offline. she shut down her computer and went to her room. she cried.


something happened today that made me think of a friend back from old times.
a broken friendship that became the greatest regret in my life.
a memory that makes me hate myself so much.
it was betrayal, and i never had the courage to even say sorry.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

12:56 AM

proud are we to be.
currently listening to: Nothing [At the Moment]



college day.
i'm thinking that the school might have more of a future from now on, perhaps.
forget about the ranking.
we are a happy bunch of people.

i may have been a little affected by the propaganda though.
i even sang the entire school song today.

but it was an uncomfortable day anyway.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Sunday, May 13, 2007

10:51 PM

不可思议事件no.2。
currently listening to: The First Cut is the Deepest [Sheryl Crow]

prepare for war at home tomorrow.
both ntu communication studies and nus law have accepted me.
alas! the most unexpected of the unexpected.

am i being blessed by a guardian angel or something?
or maybe i did a lot of good in my previous life.

strangely, despite the diarrhoea i had today, i'm feeling pretty good. the fact that i actually passed for those tests and interviews... is something that i've never experienced. my past experiences in failing them left me with zero confidence for such stuff, especially the interviews. i recall going down to tkss then they said they raised their standards to 237, i recall appealing for tjc and they wanted an essay, i recall going for interview at my mum's office and never getting a reply after that, i recall the scholarship reply that never came. these, and many others, may seem to be so minor they probably won't have any impact if they happened on others, yet they are like shadows and nightmares that just flash themselves over and over again when i'm faced with tests and interviews once more.

they probably still will. but at least i passed the communication studies and law interview. finally... something that can ease the self-condemnation even if it's just by little.

but if it turns out to be some greater power watching over me...
i thank you, still.

this sounds like i'm over the wall doesn't it. well, not exactly because this also means that i'll have to sort it out with my parents on which course to accept. 摊牌, that's what we say, and 顺便翻桌子 as well. i really really expected to fail and get posted to business when i applied for law under my father's insistence. now somehow i realised i'm not that good at fortune-telling.

i wonder if i'll be able to hold onto my determination to take communications. like regina said so many times: because i'm so easily influenced and won over by convincing arguments, i might just deviate from my original aim just like that. ahh... perhaps the only thing that others have not managed to talk me out of is my obsession with w-inds.? *wahhahahhaha* 100% devotion because they are just so very important to me.

and anyway, i really don't think i can cope with law. i don't even have what i takes to read law i'm really wondering why they accepted me. this is almost as puzzling as that A for literature. i declare this the 不可思议事件no.2。 just take a look at my 'ability' to articulate my thoughts, and my 'ability' to hold on to my stand, and my 'ability' to defend myself when under attack.

no! i not lawyer 料(material) lah!

"please do it early if you are going to reject the results."
the inivigilator's words.
urm, i'm going to have a little difficulty doing that.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。