i really need to talk to myself...

currently listening to: Stay With Me Tonight [Dong Bang Shin Ki]

did i mention that i hate studying.
as in really hate studying.

i thought i was motivated.
but turns out that i'm not the least bit so.
i don't even feel the sense of urgency, just that from time to time it creeps upon me to make my mind wander abit on how screwed up my studies actually are.

i can stare at the notes for one hour and not get anything in.
i can hold on to the pen for 10 minutes without trying anything down.
i can sit at the table for 5 straight hours without absorbing anything at all.

it's torture.
i don't wanna complain but it's just frustrating.
i feel like kicking myself.

sometimes i wonder.
if i had never thought and acted that way in the past.
will i even be bothered with studying now.
i might still be just hanging around someplace else.
or might not even be in a JC at all.
so was that a good change or an unfortunate one?
i didn't even get what i had started out to achieve.

i don't want to be so reliant on something anymore.
the after-effects. takes more than just 1 year to get over.
but really, when there's nothing you really want to aim for...
it's hard to get it going.

okay i'm rambling off topic again.
i can't blame everything on the past.
it's just me.
it's either i get a hold on myself again, or i just forsake my years of hardwork.
that simple.

i think it's the 'i-can't-understand-what-i-am-studying-for' syndrome again.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。