complaints. as usual.

currently listening to: Mirai Kara no Boukyou [Tales of Eternia]

i can't stand it any longer.
i don't care that there's no way to make this a private post.

okay so i confess.

today was a bad day.

in fact, it was a bad week all through.

i realised lots of stuff that i'd be better off without knowing.
so many people are making me so disappointed and disillusioned.
why is it happening only now?
why is it that i never saw it coming?
why is it that i see it only now?

i am getting increasingly intolerant of people.
i hate it when people criticise when they don't understand me at all.
they think they do, but they don't.
but they still end up putting my 'thoughts and actions' into words.
then come to a conclusion of their own.

what's with the weird looks?
what's with the 'i-cant-believe-you-are-doing-this' attitude?
what's with the comments when you don't understand a single thing at all?

you think you know me?
no you don't.

did they try to understand at all?
did they think that it was only a tantrum of sorts?
did they think that i am putting up a face for nothing?

i hate to be stereotyped.

then there's another type of people.
people who thinks that i'm being autocratic.
since when did i have the power to do so?

and why do you think i did those things?
it was all for your OWN benefit.
it's not gonna help me at all you know.
in fact it's taking away my time for my OWN stuff.
and i hate to speak to people regarding issues that should have been thought over by THEMSELVES.

awkwardness is not for me.
i detest it.

so why am i doing it?
cuz you're suppose to be my friend.
i'm helping you to do stuff that you want to do but never even went about STARTING on.

but without even understanding, you label me.
and even went along with the label without seeking FURTHER clarifications.
does it make me stupid then?
why am i doing stuff that gives me nothing but all these crap?

again.
you think you know me, but you don't.

and then there's another type of people again.
people whom i always held in high regard and had respect for.
but why are they crushing the image that they had imprinted into my mind?

it just makes the whole world seems surreal.
it becomes impractical to believe in someone, or to have respect for someone.
suddenly, everything crashes and you realise that your faith was in something that isn't what you thought it was.
and does that make me doubt myself?

yes it does.
it does a great deal.

maybe it's me.
maybe i'm the problem after all.
am i the one changing?
even if i am, I am the only one who has the right to answer this question.
cuz you probably don't know me at all.

or maybe it's the work that warping my mindset.
i can't say that i have more work than others.
since i know for a fact that there are many others who are going strong despite their unbelievable workload, and i admire them for this.
but it also proves that it's all in the mindset doesn't it?

so i admit i have a weak will.
much as a hate to admit.
i cannot take pressure that attempts to stretch my limits.
and so this is how it is. this is my mindset.
i can't take it even if my workload's relatively lighter than the others.
so there.

when it happens, i get confused.
i panick. my brain functions at a high velocity but it doesn't produce anything helpful.
when i realise that things have to turn out this way, i get extremely uncomfortable.
then a breakdown usually ensues.

and this will make me think why i am working so hard for.
it makes everything seem like a chore.
a chore that i can choose not to take up.
but why is it that i am always doing them?
not that anyone's pointing a gun at my head and forcing me to do them or something.

sometimes i just don't understand myself.
my body reacts more quickly than my brain.
and they usually react differently too.

so i'm beginning to kind of understand Shikamaru's mentality.
to keep out of trouble and just lead a simple, boring life somewhere doing nothing.
occasionally staring at the clouds, playing chess, walking about here and there.
anything but trouble.
anything but stuff that possibly has negative after-effects.
heh. smart boy.
this is what i want to be.

i just found out recently that i HATE to be told to do my homework.
i was so frustrated one night i decided to just slack in front of the tv for once.
then my aunt comes along and says:
"don't you have any schoolwork? you look so relaxed lately."

then it came like a stab in the heart.
no one had ever said that since my primary school days.
an injury to my pride.
i reacted VERY VIOLENTLY.

what did she mean by that sentence?
that i've not been working hard?
that i've been slacking away because i want to neglect my schoolwork deliberately?
HOW CAN ANYONE EVEN THINK THAT OF ME??

so i've not been working hard?
this makes me feel so disillusioned.

i had worked so hard.
so hard for every assignment or test or examination.
like Rock Lee, i thought that i could do what the geniuses could do if i worked hard.
but has it got me anywhere?
why am i always suffering from blows and blows of disappointment?
i work all the way up then i come crashing down again and again.
does the theory of hard work really hold?

i hate it when my all hard work can only be determined and certified by a single piece of paper.
despite the millions and millions of other papers that i tried out for too.

ONE single paper.
it is only THAT paper.
it MUST be that paper.
that paper tells the world the amount of hard work you've put in.
the world believes in ONLY that paper.

tell me where i can find a balanced equation for this.

and so i am halfway in the process of giving up.
what's the use of trying so hard and end up disappointed again?
do it to me once more and i know i'll never stand up again.
it's too big a risk.

maybe this is what growing up is about.
you realise how foolish you were, and they become regrets that you no longer have any way to salvage.
then you start to see people, witness their actions, get hurt and disillusioned, and then you get either fed-up or simply numbed.
and it hurts more when it takes your faith away with it.

let me strive to lead a simple life.
no one's really reliable.
proportionate amount of effort; nothing more.
stare at clouds once in a while, muse.
do not trouble myself at any cost.

... but it's easier said than done.
let's hope my brain reacts before my body does.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。