CAUTION: i'm not in the right state of mind today.

currently listening to: Nothing
[Really Nothing]

one more week to school.

one more week and i haven't cut my hair.
one more week and i haven't done any revision.
one more week and i haven't finshed vathek and frankenstein.
one more week and i shall be slogging away for the A Levels.
one more week and i'll be able to see the lovely (i hope) J1s in tpjc.

one more week and i'll be able to see macey.
=)))))))
*jumps around in joy*

in this case, there's definitely motivation for me to go back to school.
*wahhaaa*
but i dread whatever else that's coming along with it.
so nothing can be perfect i guess.
*shrugs*

i don't wanna say that i will be doing my best for the A Levels next year cuz it doesn't work that way. you wonder about the future, you worry about it, you plan for it but whatever that happens in the end is always sort of out of the plan. at least for me it is. or maybe it's just that i'm not good at planning. *raises eyebrows*

so i am always imagining myself doing the weirdest things that would never be listed in my 'agenda'. like taking care of animals in the zoo, counting money in the bank, making coffee for board meetings blah blah blah. all these stuff are like SO out of my plans but i'm so sure i'll end up doing one of these stuff anyway. it just happens.

and of course there will be people who always somehow manage to live their life according to plan. not the kind of 'plan' like 8am-brush teeth, or 6pm-cook dinner kind of stuff, that would be pathetic. i mean, some people will always be able to achieve what they had aimed for. i'm so super envious of such people cuz firstly, they ALREADY know what to aim for (unlike me who currently drifts around amidst pathetic daydreams), and secondly they can actually just work towards it without any diversions or obstructions and arrive at their destinations in the end (SO unlike me who have subconsciously taken a liking to fighting half-battles). it just seems so incredible that there are actually people like this.

maybe i've been living in my own enclosed dimension but i used to think that such people are just illusions, that they exist only as a perfect model to follow but never a reality. but when i camouflaged myself in the acjc population, and when i actually got to work with adults who are like senior managers or finance consultants or whatever blah from whatever big company, it finally hit me that such people are a reality. and that just makes me feel like my whole life's in a mess. was a mess, is a mess, and probably will continue to be a mess.

i've never been able to achieve what i wanted to achieve. be it getting into dream schools, hanging around with certain friends, achieving certain results for certain subjects, and blah blah blah. maybe it's because i didn't aim well, which would be more comforting than the fact that i didn't work well but... i would say that the latter's more fitting.

things never turn out as planned. that's the phrase for me. so what's the use of planning for the A's. it never works anyway. i always fall harder than expected. *recalls*

true. there are more stuff in life than just sticking to plans. but when i stick my fingers out to count whatever else it is that i've got, it seems that i'll get nothing unless i achieve something (which is true at least up till now). don't tell me about the experience gained, or the relationships built or stuff like that. i'm rather materialistic in that sense. not that i don't appreciate these of course, but life's just too real to simply depend on these and hope to get something out if it.

when everyone's got the same perfect plans, you know you gotta leave it either to luck (which is only one in a billion) or to your own resolve. and when you realise that some people have actually been achieving their goals while you've missed it again and again, you know that something will definitely not be right as the days go on. and sometimes this makes you wish that you're the only one in the race, but then you realise that there won't even be a competition if you're the only one around, which then turns the whole things so ironic and helplessly complicated. that's when the line 'urgh. life.' [say it with disgust] come in. life is just so full of dread.

was at the baby ward with my mother a few days ago when she was still hospitalized. I AM SO ENVIOUS OF NEW-BORNS. not only are they cute, and have no hair to worry about (*thinks about my own receding hairline*), and they get to just sleep there the whole day and not worry about the workings of life. they are just so completely free of worries! there is no dread of life! there is no hypocrisy or competition or complicated social relationships! there's no school and homework!! i couldn't take my eyes off them while i was admiring their cuteness and getting jealous about their 'carefree-ness'.

but then again, like it always happens, i started to pity them. not because they have no hair (to see it from another viewpoint), or because they can't speak or walk, or because they are so small and fragile and defenceless that they can just die when someone wants them to. it's just that when i think about how hard life (and especially education) is gonna be for them when they grow up, i get the 'awwww' feeling for them. i mean, the education system is getting more difficult, the competition is getting more intense, and life will definitely be much more of a hell for them than it is for us right now since the world's moving by leaps and bounds everyday. in just a few years time (a few months for some with kiasu parents), they'll be forced out of their 'carefree-ness' and have to submerge themselves in this never-ending battle with the drudgeries of life (if they see it as i do). they will have plans and mentalities and actions that may make or break them. then no more will they have innocence of new-borns. isn't this sad or what??

i think it's really so sad.
so life's really this sad too.
if you're in it, you can't escape.

okay.
so maybe it's a little early to get depressed.
considering that it's the eve of xmas eve too.
i guess life just goes on.
and for me, i can't do anything more
but to make sure at least part of my life goes according to plan.
then somehow try to deal with the other parts that screwed up.

BUT ANYWAY since life's gonna be like that no matter how much i complain.
i might as well live it in my style.
and return to the normal daily crappings i have whenever i open my mouth (or start to type-- which is worse).

ehhh..
i want longer holidays.
i can't finish my homework, for god's sake.
the lit readings are driving me crazy.
and i wanna revise!!!
YES I WANNA REVISE!!!!
but no time!!!
*bawls*

i know i'll get it when i'm back in school.
the work will just start to pile.
the mountain of history notes will just get higher and higher.
and the amount of stuff i have to squeeze into my small brain will spark off lots of 'internal explosions' .
then finally leave me totally blanked out when the exams come.

which means that i will totally not have time to think about JC1 work.
which means that i should probably start revising now.
which means that i should actually start a petition for longer holidays.
which could also mean that i should get singaporean students to go on strike like the new york transit workers.
so we can all have more time for homework and revision.
=)

but then...
i want more of hippo too.
*frowns*
urgh. life.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。