allow me to indulge in self-pity...

currently listening to: Heaven [Ayumi Hamasaki]

i believe that there is a permanent difference between the gifted and the average.
it's not just any kind of difference.
it's a gap that no amount of hard work will be able to make up for.
i don't believe that, by working hard, you'll be able to surpass the gifted one day.
i think it's a delusion cruelly established by those who think that they are making the 'average' feel better but are in fact causing them more harm instead.

you can't do anything about the fact that you aren't smart.
i'm not smart.
and i kinda pity myself for this.
and of course i know that self-pity is irritating.
but no one can deny that they do it from time to time.

this fact makes the future look so bleak.
what more can an 'average' do in a world populated by so many of the 'gifted'?
if there was a world ranking,
i think i'd be in the 4763823622718th place out of 6 billion people
of which around 1 billion people i'm gonna be contending with.
if there was a ranking of the Gen Y in Singapore,
i'd probably be in the 7563th place out of the 10000 people.
that is, if there are ONLY 10000 people.

it's like,
i won't know that this concept works like that unless i read it somewhere or i heard it from someone.
then when i am actually informed of it, it becomes so logical.
something that, by right or logically, i would have realised if i gave it some thought but the thing is that i can spend one whole month tearing out hair and still not be able to think of it until someone tells me.
but it's also something that the 'gifted' would have thought of without needing to read or hear about it at all.
and this is the difference.

so i'm not smart.
i'm so not smart.
i'm so just average, or even worse.
and it's not jealousy that's overcoming me.
but it's more like helplessness, sadness, blankness.

and worse than the fact that i can't do anything about it,
i seem to be denying its existence
and confining myself to my small small world in comparison to what's out there,
developing a sense of complacency at the possibility of excelling
but ignoring the fact that it's so insignificant.

worse still, the complacency is eating up all the hard work i had done.
forget about primary school where i played my days away.
in lower secondary, i would make sure that every single detail in the textbooks was included in my revision.
then in upper secondary, i began to only include points that I THINK are important and the marks declined.
then in JC, i came to the conclusion that there's no need to make notes since the study materials are already given in note form. and the marks plummeted. *plop*

i'm beginning to let this unfounded ego get the better of me
even when the results are suppose to deflate my ego totally.
i dunno what's the matter with me.
not smart + complacent + totally lacking EQ = ?

i can't see the future.

and i think i've stepped on a number of people's toes lately.
without even knowing when or how it happened.
but i've got too much on my mind of bother myself with it.
also, some people are really stepping on my toes.
i think they don't know it either.
but i always feel like giving them a long, hard stare when it happens
except that my life is too full of role-playing that i can't do it even if i want to.
it's a protective instinct.

thinking about recent events, i've come to a conclusion:
friends you make at a younger age are the truest friends you can ever find.
growing up instils an inevitable sense of hypocrisy and pride in us
that makes it hard to ever find true friends
cuz everyone's protecting themselves when they grow up and realise the realities of this world.
social circles will undoubtedly widen as time passes
but true friends?
try to look for your oldest pals.

coming back...
..yep, half of the promos are over.
i'll be having econs tomorrow, lit on friday and cla on monday.
had math and lit today.
math was horrigible terrigible vegetable.
i let complacency take over me during math revision
such that i only studied for math promos yesterday night
where i jolted into a state of panic and started forgetting my basics.
and i actually thought so much of myself that i skipped the revision for binomial, APGP and REDUCTION (which came out as a 7-mark question and i completely dunno how to do).
*bangs head against wall*

and i tried a new style of writing for the lit paper (both parts)
which i thought was equivalent of a suicide attempt since it was my first time.
though i really doubt that by including tons of references in the essay would get me a decent mark,
i still did it anyway.
blame it on the guy if anything goes wrong.

was revising for econs just now.
and realised that i screwed up MANY MANY of the structured questions
which means what i don't have to say.
and this was what triggered the sudden self-pity for myself, i guess.

i get so sick of studying, just like everyone else.
especially when i am not smart.
why can't they just let the 'gifted' go through all these instead?
who knows, people like me can be put to better use if they didn't start pushing education into my face and forcing the young and naive me(then) to accept it.
ultimately we don't use any of the stuff we learn.
and academic education is not the only way of honing thinking skills too.
vocational training? skills-based education?
why can't it start with this?

how different will life be if it had started out like this?


-- A dropout will beat a genius through hardwork. - Rock Lee[Naruto]
how nice it is to believe...


記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。