i know it really shouldn't feel this way but don't try to talk me out of it. and don't harp on the fact that i shouldn't be blogging. i've kept it for so long i can't stand it anymore.

I HATE HER. does she think she's the only one who's given the right and authority to shout and vent her frustrations on everyone in the house? does she think that just because she's had a hard day work so this gives her the god-given right to do as she damn pleases? i know that studying isn't as bad as working but does it mean that i am not subjected to stress as well? does she think that she is the oh-so-exceptional one who doesn't affect ANYONE with her tantrums, while anyone else who gets angry affects her SO much that she can immediately fly into a rage to 'counter' the move?

like it isn't bad enough that i have a father who doesn't even know how to spell my NAME. it doesn't matter if he doesn't know my IC number, or my birthdate, or my hobbies and interests but at least my name?? he doesn't even stay in the house for god's sake. i don't want to elaborate further.

and now everybody in the house thinks that i am the grumpy, selfish one who have no respect for my elders at all. if it has been like that for so many stupid years, why should there even be any respect? how can they even EXPECT respect without doing anything to gain it?

in this house, you cannot expect to voice out your feelings freely and expect them to be accepted. you can never pour out all your troubles to anyone because you will probably receive a shelling down from the person, complaining that things were the way they were because YOU did something wrong, YOU had the wrong thinking, YOU deserve what that had happened to you. in other words, YOU are at fault and i am not gonna spend my time comforting you and telling you that everything's ok and that you've done your best. even if it's stress from school. no praises when you've done well. a hundred and one complaints and comparisons if you did badly. LIE and you die.

that is the way in the house.

i wonder what i am doing trying to study so hard to get good grades. i wonder why i even bother to strike conversations to build closer bonds. i wonder why i portrayed to everyone the false conception that i have a happy family. it's idiotic. it's fake. it's a wonderful imagination of mine that was never real.

that's why i don't bother anymore. and now they're blaming me for it.

true that they provide any material need that i require. true that i get to travel to places. true that it's because of their existence that i exist. true that they send me to school everyday and call a taxi if they can't. but if my brother didn't need to go to the changi camp every morning, forget about me letting me take the taxi. is it simply responsibility? why-ee-as.

i said that they were being really nice when i faced difficulties in ACJC but i didn't mention that they scolded me for it. they scolded me when i told them i didn't like AC, complain that i didn't know what's good for me. it's the fact that they RELENTED to letting me go to TPJC after first 3 months that made me say they were 'really being nice about it'. this is the way i paint the colorful picture of my happy family. i am serious.

ask me why i get angry so easily. ask me why i can't stand people who ignore me intentionally. ask me why i always turn so quiet on my way home. ask me why i prefer to sleep the day away instead. ask me why i devote so much time to work that it seems that i do nothing else in the house but work and work. ask me why i go online so often. ask me why i indulge myself in unreal anime and manga worlds if i'm not doing work. ask me why i hardly tell anyone my problems. ask me why is it that i hardly mention my family other than my brother.

don't make me cry.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。