currently listening to: Shou Fang Kai [Sam Li]

everyone's just being so nice.

ever since i fell into the deep abyss of despair at the realization that i had indeed fallen short of my own expectations, as well as everyone else's, by scoring a 15< point range for O levels, so many people have been trying to pull me up.

but maybe it's the stubborn way i am, i refuse to be pulled up. it's just that i've been through so much disappointments already that i really can't cope with any little trace of hope anymore. the PSLE, the streamings, the auditions, and even my god-damned computer that fails all the time. anything that i try to achieve with my own strength always spoils. it always seems like i must depend on the help of others in order to really achieve something.

why tell me that i have a chance to score? why make me think with the higher-than-average marks i scored in school exams that i can actually score for the major exams? why subject me to the rantings of so many people telling me that i have no problem for the O levels and should probably worry for them instead? why make me go through so much, believing that there will be a happy ending, but take away that dream and make all my efforts seem so wasted in the end?

why give me hope?

the hurt is mutiplied.

i've been through too much to still believe that miracles do exist. so please don't tell me there's hope anymore cuz that will only worsen the damage that is already done.

perhaps the only good thing that came out of this is that i finally understood what kind of friends i have.

the best kind.

although i don't appreciate it, they have been giving me hope all the time, telling me that nothing's confirmed yet and that i shouldn't worry until i receive the actual results. they have been telling me that there'll be there to support me and that whatever happens they will be there for me. despite the fact that i'm practically shooting off super crude replies to their kind words and encouragement, they are still telling me the same thing over and over again. i'm afraid that i'll break down and tear again when i next see them. that's the extent that they've moved me.

and my AC classmates. they are trying to contact everyone they know just to justify the rumour. they are the ones who eventually found out the truth for me, and kept assuring me that nothing's confirmed yet, even though they know deep in their hearts that the fact that majority of the ACJC population didn't receive the letter means that the rumour is, in fact, true. still, i am really starting to appreciate them.

i love you guys.

but please, don't tell me that there's still hope, or that i should not worry, or that nothing's confirmed yet. it's better for me to get over and done with the effects now rather than break down in front of the whole school population on that fateful day. do me the favour and make me accept reality.

and don't talk to me about my results on that day, or i'll bawl right into your face.

http://www.todayonline.com/articles/34053.asp

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。