currently listening to: Depend on You [Ayumi Hamasaki]

when i was told that emily was gonna get out of my life forever, i thought my troubles were over. it is only now that i realise they are, for a fact, NOT OVER, and is getting worse by day. troubles never end. when you think you are over with one, another develops and tries to make your life hell like it always does.

no, it's not emily. she's officially out of my life. this time, it's the shirt.

i always had the funny feeling that some people were not exactly happy that i was designing part of the shirt but after careful consideration i brushed it off because i wanted to get the shirt issue over and done with as soon as possible. it was getting on my nerves.

i thought the most efficient way where everyone would be happy with the design of the shirt, was to let the whole class decide on its type and design. also, the meeting with the t-shirt committee couldn't produce much results because most of us thought that the decision would lie with the rest of the class, plus the fact that not all the members of the committee were present so it would not be good for us to make decisions ourselves. so, with the designs suggested and drawn by the T-shirt committee, and the decisions about where they will be placed and what size they will be, i happily passed the design suggestion list around the class, thinking that once the suggestion list is filled, the T-shirt issue would be OVER!

but for some reason, some people seem to think that i have been making decisions on my own about the shirt and have not consulted the committee. so, i thought about how i had handled the matter to find out exactly how this kind of thinking surfaced.

the following are the reasons i could think of:

1} i have been talking too much during the committee meeting.
2? i was the one who drew up the suggestion list and even stated foolishly 'please approach xinyi if u have any doubts or suggestions'.
3) i stupidly showed the whole class my design even before there was a committee meeting.
4) i was the one who asked the committee members to draw out their designs so i could attach them to the suggestion list and pass it around.
5) i was the one who compiled the results of the suggetion list.
6) i have been doing too much about the shirt.
7) simply, my presence irritates some people.
8) also simply, i do not command respect.

for those aware of the situation, please tell me if there are any other reasons because i simply can't think of any more other reasons plus the reasons i thought of are already bad enough and is irking me. help me, please.

i suddenly realised that it was the inborn 'if-i-don't-do-it-no-one-will' genes in my body that resulted in such a situation. maybe i have been too... nosy in the whole t-shirt issue. why so uptight about it??? it's not as if i depend on it for a living isn't it?

SO! i have decided to just let the t-shirt design be. i'm not gonna talk so much about it anymore. i'm just gonna give the selected designs (by class votes) to the t-shirt committee, then do my homework and not talk about it anymore.

somehow, in a small part of my mind, i feel that it just isn't fair. i always had the feeling that people somehow wanted me to do what i did today. yet the result came out as if they had not wanted me to do it from the start. i really don't understand. what is it that's really on their minds??

why am i having the cold treatment for something that they wanted me to do?

simple, yet sarcastic remarks. did i really not consult the committee? gosh, if it's true, then maybe i have been doing such things for the past 16 years, and this is bad. maybe i'm simply not cut out for such leadership roles. perhaps i should just be quiet and let somebody do it instead. i should just stick to being an A-grade nerd who simply seats in a corner and wait for someone's commandeering instructions.

and i wished i had cut off my hands.

NO MORE TALK ON THE SHIRT FOR ME.


記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。