Monday, October 12, 2020
12:16 AM
self.
currently listening to: Nothing [Nothing]
scary how almost 6 years has passed and here we are again.
i thought it was behind us.
but it never was.
maybe there never was a reason why i should expect so.
we did not wrap things up.
we only moved on, we did not end things.
who is to say, how it might have become.
but that is not a reason to descend.
that does not become an excuse to blame our frustrations or predicament on.
perhaps it compounds, but it does not make us, or break us.
we break us.
we break us with our thoughts.
we break us with our words.
we break us with the way we take in the world.
we break us because we could not find a way.
i'm starting to think of the concept of selfishness and selflessness.
what is selfless to one, could be selfish to others.
what is selfish to one, could be selfless to others.
we don't hold anyone to our standards.
no one should be held to anyone's standards.
who has the bigger heart.
who has the nerves of steel.
who has the strength to press on.
who has the courage to let go.
i think the world used to be alot simpler.
maybe we used to be alot simpler.
humans feel too much.
we feel.
we do.
in the end, i'll be left to deal with it.
the loss.
the pain.
are they being selfish?
or am i being selfish?
no one should be held to anyone's standards.
no one should live for anyone.
am i selfish if i want them to?
why must i be selfless?
this life.
just can you please.
let everyone know that you are worth it.
that even if we have to grovel through what we think is shit.
this life is worth it.
i can only do so much.
i will do whatever it takes.
because i'll hurt when you're hurt.
your life is yours.
just like my life is mine.
i hoped to be an anchor, but ultimately i wasn't.
in the end, it's just me.
and they think too highly of me.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Friday, May 08, 2015
12:29 AM
to infinity, and beyond.
currently listening to: Nothing [Nothing]
what does it take to feel free?
financially-free. work woes-free. health problems-free.
free.
maybe.
if you can't prevent it from happening, you will have to prepare for its coming.
to build yourself to the extent that you are able to tackle your worst fears on d-day.
to be ready so that the anxiety experienced will be reduced to the minimum.
all the while doing your best to delay its very arrival.
it means working everyday to meet this end in every possible way.
it means to be truly confident.
there are so many signs and examples around.
i just have to get it on.
this i tell myself everyday.
yet lethargy gets the best of me, always.
life is tiring, indeed.
i need to know that there ain't much time left.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Thursday, January 01, 2015
9:46 PM
2015.
currently listening to: Nothing [Nothing]
2014 was possibly the worst year i've ever had.
honestly, i'm still not sure if i'm out of it yet.
life is just one damn thing after another.
it's frustrating why we can never be truly happy.
just when i thought everything was back on track, things have to hit like a thunderstorm.
how should i move on, i wonder.
it seems happiness is brief, and fleeting.
it could be a matter of perception, but it is how i think.
until i can let go someday.
these days, i'm beginning to understand.
i've been so caught up with the past, i'm not living in the present, much less for the future.
i've been too reliant on those who have passed, but there is really nothing they can do so it will always be just up to me.
this is a life i can't live for the past nor for those who will never be with me.
nostalgia feels good, but that should be as far as it goes.
hello, 2015.
i pray you be kind to me.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Thursday, May 08, 2014
2:21 AM
nothing compares.
currently listening to: Marchin' On [One Republic]
it's heartbreaking. nothing compares.
i don't think i will ever be able to forget that touch.
that touch that was so heartwrenching, i couldn't even cry.
4年了。
4年来，我对时间还是有一些些指望的。
希望它能治愈，尽管潜意识隐约觉得像是在逃避。
今天，才恍然大悟，原来如此。
刹那，我好像哭不出来。
哭了，却又很快又不哭了，然后又哭，又不哭。
情感好像故障了。
震惊。心痛。无法言语。
我觉得爸爸很了不起。
4年了，已经4年了。
要多大的能耐才能忍受，这种他宁愿一死的状况。
我无法想像。
爸爸好像撑了很久的伞。
这个悬着的情势，这颗悬着的心。
今晚我才发现，正是因为他一直坚持着，我才能够最起码的度过这4年。
尽管很难耐，很煎熬，很心力交瘁，但在没有风雨的情况下，我前进了。
我的这4年平稳，是不是用他4年的煎熬换来的？
谢谢你的坚持。我们真的，真的辛苦你了。
是时候解开心结了。
我不想再带着这个心结过日子。
什么深仇大恨，什么小心眼的担忧。
我只知道，我的时间不能浪费在这种无谓的拉扯上。
请问刁难是有什么用吗？
我真的不管了。
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
12:11 AM
出问题了。
currently listening to: 违建 [吴亦帆]
当世界只有Facebook那么大的时候。
是不是代表出问题了？我做错了点什么？
把唯一的空闲奉献给睡眠和冥想。
把难得的约会以夜太黑的三岁借口给推掉。
真没长进。这样也不会有什么实质的改变。
怎么办呢。这可是我的人生耶。
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Friday, August 09, 2013
1:41 AM
你好.你好.
currently listening to: 累 [韦礼安]
又一年。
总有一种, 随时都会天下大乱的感觉。
有什么, 像是定时炸弹的存在。
坐立不安。
悬着。
人就是习惯逃避。
尽管不断提醒自己要坚强，也很难抵抗内心的脆弱。
我不想把他当成一种压力。他怎么会是压力？
我不要所有关于他的念头都成为负担。他怎么会是负担？
单单因为结局伤感就放弃之前种种的美好，愚蠢至极。
要怎么做才能释怀。怎么做才能坦然。
每天每天这样过。
偶而会有很窝囊的想法： 只要今天可以安然无恙的结束， 就好。
工作如此，生活亦如此。
这叫做得过且过吧？
感觉自己已经无法再承受更多的变化。
任何风吹草动在我看来都放大50倍。
紧张不安不满。
就是很乱。
但是，人生不可以停滞不前。
人生不可以停滞不前。
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Thursday, August 16, 2012
12:00 AM
one step forward, five steps backwards.
currently listening to: No [Mood]
i'm fighting fires everyday.
when fire prevention does not serve its purpose.
and fire escapes are fraud with more fires.
with waterhoses that are but leaky rubber tubes.
crash and burn. things just don't make sense.
no, more like they have their way of making sense.
so just when you thought you finally grasped it, the next moment it's no longer valid.
schizo, abit?
let's not indulge.
just, just learn.
cuz life is more more more.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
