statements
currently listening to: Arigatou [Tange Sakura]

a few realisations i had of myself recently:

#1. i am bad at facial expressions. so half the time my face doesn't show how i feel and the people around don't get my mood and that leads to misunderstandings at times. can't remember the number of times people ask if i'm in a bad mood when i'm absolutely elated that day. the conclusion?

i may have to look into the mirror more.

#2. i have no sense of urgency at all. somehow i lost all sense of motivation right after the A levels. like a runner at the end of the marathon, a towel squeezed dry, a car running low on petrol. i'm studying all the time, but it doesn't feel like i'm preparing for the exams. it becomes simply... a routine.

and then i stare blankly at my fellow peers.

#3. i'm getting away from the 'i-have-to-ace-my-test' mentality. i'm even thinking that it's kinda useless, the things i'm studying. eventually, it's the experience. ultimately, it's the guts. the fact that i'm here shows something.

i've never had a dream come true before.

#4. i am materially satisfied. this is an empirical statement, only that i never seem to think so. learning to be content with your lot must be the most difficult lesson in life.

i still want to buy more CDs though.

#5. i used to think it's important to have many friends. then you grow up and realised they are merely acquaintances. if i had a friend who is willing to go through anything for me, whom i never have to hide anything from, whom i can always rely on for support... even if that's the only friend i have in the world, i'm still luckier than many others.

thank you.

#6. i have this serious case of split personalities. i say 'serious' because i know that i have split personalities (most of those people don't have a clue). and when i say 'split', it doesn't mean just TWO distinct personalities, but alot alot alot... maybe 5 or 6? and i kind of lost track of the original somehow.

the self is the most difficult to comprehend.

#7. much as i think i am a cheena person, my friends are really a little ang-mohish. in fact, the most cheena clique i've been in is probably the happy family. i wonder why. i advocate cheenaism yeah, i'm part of the AAPC!

which i think only has two members. sadly.

#8. i cannot look at somone in the eye for more than a minute. i simply can't do it. that's why i always lose in the 'stare' game. they say the eyes are the windows to the soul. i figured maybe i don't want anybody near my 'soul', neither do i want to look too deeply into their 'souls'. doesn't that make me antisocial?

i prefer to believe that it's self-defense.

#9. whenever i think it's time for a change, the body is always weaker than the mind. i kind of think that the surroundings play a part too, especially when there are too many commitments, impressions and expectations. still, it is necessary.

whatever goes.

#10. in the book 'happiness in a nutsell', there was a line that says, "what made us believe that if we don't forgive someone, they suffer?" it made alot of sense to me, but i didn't learn from it. it comes naturally for me to ignore someone when i'm angry. no rants, no fights, no yellings (which i used to do in childhood). in the subconscience, it is the greatest punishment from me to not forgive.

hmmmmmm.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。