i'm always doing this.
currently listening to: I Love You [Position]

sometimes when you're made for something...
or rather, when you're not made for something...
people can tell with just one eye, or just one word.
despite the fact that you've been staring at yourself in the mirror for so many years.

i was thinking along the lines of changing myself.
but i'm myself just the way i am isn't it.
changing just to cover your weaknesses is not change.
it's a facade. a lie.

it falls through quite easily too.

maybe it's not change, but an improvement i'm looking for.
an improvement that does not take away the original me.
an improvement that i'm willing to make and not being forced to make.
it's useless arguing with the words when circumstances take ultimate control.

does it really matter so much?
something i've been asking myself.
and then when i realise that i can actually comfort myself with an alternative, it suddenly seems like the former dream was just a stubborn obsession.
so it didn't really matter that much after all?

you thought you had it.
but you haven't really found it, girl.

i was listening to this song by Stef Sun and it brought interesting thoughts.
if i ever saw the 10-year-old xinyi again, what would i say?
like the lyrics? to thank her for staying the way she is?
it was a nice thought, a beautiful image came to mind.
but that was before i realised i am changing myself deliberately.
so maybe...

thank you for persevering, really.
but you might want to start exploring your dreams now.
oh, and work on that math if you can.

haha, it seems like i'm blaming it on her.
bad habit, i'm selfish even to myself. heh.

but the first line is sincere.
真的谢谢你那么努力。

i would like to think that i can take things lightly.
it's a nice way to do things isn't it.
to just take things as they are... what's the worry for?
but i'm very far from it. very very far.

i'm very reliant on many people.
like how i asked michelle out for dinner cuz i was a little blue today.
or like how i sms-ed the lamer gang and tingx etc during my acjc days.
or maybe like how i always needed pipi's company at morning assembly.
and also like how i always like to sms regina at work.
and especially the way i'm reliant on my family and even abusing the reliance very frequently.

so many people, for so many things.
i always think that i'm using them for my benefit; i haven't been a good person.
what they gave me is always more than what i've ever offered them.
these are people that i thank but can never thank enough.
even though some may have changed, or maybe moved on with other priorities and i'm missing from their map, still...
i thank.

i kind of made a decision today that i gotta overcome the odds myself.
i can't always need support, even though it may not be direct.
i figured the simplest way to do it would be to take things lightly.
but that's not gonna solve much isn't it.

sometimes i really think that i ought to go some place far far away.
some place where i have nothing to rely on.
and then i might start getting stronger.
and then i might not doubt myself so much anymore.

it will be an improvement, not a change.

am i being hard on myself?
not really, if you've known the real me.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。