i'm always doing this.
currently listening to: I Love You [Position]

sometimes when you're made for something...
or rather, when you're not made for something...
people can tell with just one eye, or just one word.
despite the fact that you've been staring at yourself in the mirror for so many years.

i was thinking along the lines of changing myself.
but i'm myself just the way i am isn't it.
changing just to cover your weaknesses is not change.
it's a facade. a lie.

it falls through quite easily too.

maybe it's not change, but an improvement i'm looking for.
an improvement that does not take away the original me.
an improvement that i'm willing to make and not being forced to make.
it's useless arguing with the words when circumstances take ultimate control.

does it really matter so much?
something i've been asking myself.
and then when i realise that i can actually comfort myself with an alternative, it suddenly seems like the former dream was just a stubborn obsession.
so it didn't really matter that much after all?

you thought you had it.
but you haven't really found it, girl.

i was listening to this song by Stef Sun and it brought interesting thoughts.
if i ever saw the 10-year-old xinyi again, what would i say?
like the lyrics? to thank her for staying the way she is?
it was a nice thought, a beautiful image came to mind.
but that was before i realised i am changing myself deliberately.
so maybe...

thank you for persevering, really.
but you might want to start exploring your dreams now.
oh, and work on that math if you can.

haha, it seems like i'm blaming it on her.
bad habit, i'm selfish even to myself. heh.

but the first line is sincere.
真的谢谢你那么努力。

i would like to think that i can take things lightly.
it's a nice way to do things isn't it.
to just take things as they are... what's the worry for?
but i'm very far from it. very very far.

i'm very reliant on many people.
like how i asked michelle out for dinner cuz i was a little blue today.
or like how i sms-ed the lamer gang and tingx etc during my acjc days.
or maybe like how i always needed pipi's company at morning assembly.
and also like how i always like to sms regina at work.
and especially the way i'm reliant on my family and even abusing the reliance very frequently.

so many people, for so many things.
i always think that i'm using them for my benefit; i haven't been a good person.
what they gave me is always more than what i've ever offered them.
these are people that i thank but can never thank enough.
even though some may have changed, or maybe moved on with other priorities and i'm missing from their map, still...
i thank.

i kind of made a decision today that i gotta overcome the odds myself.
i can't always need support, even though it may not be direct.
i figured the simplest way to do it would be to take things lightly.
but that's not gonna solve much isn't it.

sometimes i really think that i ought to go some place far far away.
some place where i have nothing to rely on.
and then i might start getting stronger.
and then i might not doubt myself so much anymore.

it will be an improvement, not a change.

am i being hard on myself?
not really, if you've known the real me.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Saturday, April 21, 2007

1:20 PM

if dreams could come true.
currently listening to: Nothing [Staring Into Space]

strange dreams strange dreams.

穿过时光机器 我一定可以再遇见你
循着钢琴声 找到你迷惑的神情
不够高的身影 计算着与梦想的差距
看你努力奔跑 但是终点在哪里

未来总很神秘
有暴风雨 也有好天气
你曾经可以选择 轻易放弃

dala…

感谢你没有忘记做你自己

跌倒时受的伤
在我身上有相同痕迹
发现我的笑容 成长在你哭泣里

未来会很神奇
会经历爱 也学会期待
虽然有很多怀疑 你不明白

dala…

幸福的答案我也还没解开

so so ti so so do
约定好醒来之后
要再次回到未来 陪我梦游


--梦游 by 孙燕姿

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

10:18 PM

WKWSCI interview
currently listening to: Hawaian Couple [Humming Urban Stereo]

gosh, the interview is next monday.
the mention of 'portfolio' and the realisation of the lack of it is actually freaking me out.

gosh, this is it, this is really it.
communications or business.
success or yet another regret that i'll have to deal with.
this is it.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Monday, April 16, 2007

10:27 PM

“记忆不是昨天的碎片，是能够成为走向明天的力量和光芒。”
currently listening to: Proud [TVXQ]

这是东方神起《Hello Again》的歌词哦。

走在街上那么巧遇上了小学同学康伟。是一个让我印象深刻的家伙；不仅无缘无故当上了我小学时期的所谓“敌人”，也是小学每天结伴到处玩耍的死党之一。不是说过，小学是我毕生难以忘怀的最珍贵的时期吗？ 他也是重要回忆的一部分。所有的一切，现在的林芯怡。。。 全部都从哪里开始。可是，打招呼的那一瞬间，却听到了这样的一句话。

“你变很多耶，我刚才是凭感觉猜的。”

变了很多吗？

接下来聊上了几句，可是我却完全忘了，只记得自己一直迈开步伐想往前走，果然很快就告别了。没交换电话，没有说过“找一天我们大家聚一聚！”的这类话，就这样告别了。

原来真的是这样。时光一旦消逝，就看不见踪影了，什么痕迹也会跟着消失。即使它曾经是那么的辉煌，那么的真实，那么的深刻。。。 也都是这般脆弱。所以大家才会说未来更重要吗？面对人生种种诱惑与经历，回忆太容易被放开，太容易被遗忘，成为只能用辛苦寻找才能恢复的东西。可却有几个人会真的去寻找呢？一直以回忆为动力的我，原来一直都活在自己的世界里呀。

幸好，thank god, 是到现在才发现。
是把它放在永远不会被遗忘的地方后才发现。

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

12:01 AM

hmmmmmm
currently listening to: Dong Le [Tank]

each one of us is different.
but perhaps we view loneliness in the same way too?
and when i look around at the people...
nope, i'm no different from anybody else.
but let's hope i won't stay like that.

anyways i'm starting to think that i'm actually quite a cynic. *wahhahaa*
skeptical about this, doubtful about that.
like nothing is more trustworthy than the memories i've had.
like i just wanna go back and stay there.
yeah maybe, maybe i'm the one.
so sometimes looking into the future is actually rather hard.
*squints*

but everything about the past is actually gone isn't it.
every single link i thought still existed is just my mind at work.
there's a loooong way to go.

"your best days are not behind you, but ahead of you."

something changmin said.
well, i thought something might have struck.

i was at the doctor's with my grandmother a few days back.
the doctor was really chatty and he kept talking to me.
somehow i told him i was aiming for communication studies and he asked why.
and then i couldn't answer.

"... interest? it's just interest."
"then what about communications interests you?"

i really wanted to say more but i just couldn't put them to words.
and then somehow the topic got diverted to botox.
don't ask me why.

maybe i haven't really found my way yet after all.

don't worry, this isn't a depressing entry. hahaha.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Friday, April 06, 2007

2:31 AM

偷偷爱着你的感觉呀~~~
currently listening to: Dong Le [Tank]

i finished HanaKimi the TV series!!

like finally~~~ i waned to watch the entire show at one go so i restrained myself from watching any of the episodes online until the VCD set came out. FINALLYYYYY.

i thought the show was quite well done, not that far from the manga (at least for the storyline) unlike what everyone told me. yeah, maybe the way they interpreted the characters is really quite different from the original but hey, i'm not gonna complain about how they did it in the TV series. it's a little different, but i like this version too. and at least they kept close to the storyline, and i'm quite happy about that.

it's good it's good.
*nods head*

and i dunno why everyone's complaining about the ending but i really thought the way the ended the show was pretty fine too. the essence of the story was intact, which really surprised me because i thought they would really come up with a lousy ending (like what i've been told) that would completely deviate from the manga. in fact, i like this ending much more than the way they ended the story in the manga. maybe it's just me but 偷偷爱着你的感觉？ that was what i liked about the story. *wahahahahaa*

ahh, in other words, i'm really quite impressed. especially considering that HanaKimi is really one of the few decent shojou mangas i've ever come across. the TV series is really far better than what i had expected. at least it left an impression okayy.

i was hoping they won't come up with a part 2 but apparently they are gonna do it. haiii. let's hope it won't turn out to be a dissapointment.

but anyways, the TV series. it's really not bad.
highly recommended.
*thumbs up*

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Sunday, April 01, 2007

9:15 PM

just felt like blogging.
currently listening to: 银河と迷路 [Tokyo Ska Paradise]

i got a tiffany cuff bangle from my mum as a reward for the A levels results.
i got quite a generous growth in my bank account from my dad and aunt for the A level results too.

and i hereby announce that this is the FIRST time my family has rewarded me for my academics, though the government does so once in a while.

and so the tiffany cuff bangle is the most expensive asset i've got on me since i was born (even more expensive than my precious precious ipod video).

aahhhhh-nd, i'm quite at a loss right now.
well, i haven't said thank you and don't think i'll get around doing that.
the words won't come out even if i beg so let's not try.

anyways, i think this is really overrated; the way people are making so much out of my results. do they realise that i'm only ONE out of the thousand over people with the same results? it's not even a perfect score or something (which another hundred over people have). it won't guarantee me anything, not a place in SCI or LAW or a scholarship that pays all the school fees you know. i dunno why everyone thinks so. the point is that it's not exactly excellent.

okay, now the people reading this blog are gonna think i'm a she-jerk, roll their eyes and say "WHAT MORE YOU WANT?!!!"

but really, the results are not excellent if you look at the statistics.

STILL, i'm satisfied.
AND, i'm happy for the gifts and compliments.
hahahahahaha.
such a weird person i am.

one's gotta learn to appreciate. like for example, i was a little sore over that B for Chinese since results day, but really, who knows if i might have scored worse if got an A for chinese? fate works in a strange way; you never know may happen.

but it's over. this chapter and the hoo-ha over results are past tense.
look forward, look ahead! aruiteru!!!

what do i see?
the office.

work is tomorrow again. a day of, um, typing and printing and photocopying and binding and cutting magazines and filing and working out timetables and order lists and trying to look busy when in fact i have nothing much to do. nooope, i'm not complaining, really. just look into my eyes. i'm just feeling guilty that my boss has to dig out work for me to do when she's so busy herself and i'm like adding on to her long list of assignments and increasing her stress levels.

it goes something like this: i'm her colleague's daughter, and so she thinks it's her responsibilty to give me proper work experience and she feels guilty whenever she sees me wasting the time away hence the digging of work for me to do. not that i mind since they are really simple tasks, but they are really that simple so i finish them off fast and then the same thing happens again. sometimes i think it would be better if i wasn't working there since i don't seem to be helping much. AND high-heels are really... i wanna throw them outta the window.

anyways, i been to TTSH recently since my eyes are on the verge of failing me but the doctors can't seem to find anything wrong with it. maybe it's the specs, and the serverely shortened visits to lalaland. but anyways, the point is that, i've quite a new interpretation of doctors and the medical sector now. let's just say it's for the better. yeah, so tingxu, if you're reading this, i won't mind anymore if you end up being a doctor. heh.

well, a doctor is someone really *toots*, but these *toots* people have the ability to do good for others however *toots* i might think they are. their job, essentially and fundamentally, is built on the meaningful foundation of helping others, and i think that this fact alone is really really great. i'm filled with respect for this. but sadly not all of them stay on such a basis, and some of them AGGRAVATE and totally DEVIATE from saving to KILLING. just thinking about it makes me boil, i'll never forgive those idiots. i was really condemning, but i have to admit there are good ones so...

it's a really noble job, but not all doctors are noble.
shame on those who aren't.

oh yes, and i must mention my new obsession with ONE PIECE. i can't find the VCDs anymore in singapore and i wonder why.

i wonder how, i wonder why~~~ *hums*

ahhh, diversion. i'm getting really off the point with this post.
shall blog when i'm more clear-headed.
off to the terebi.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。