random. like for the 100th time.
currently listening to: Tender is the Night [Yuna Ito]

a few random but rather significant thoughts lately.
thoughts that just hit you suddenly though it's been there all along.
you know you know.
let's put them into sentences.


i can't live without my ipod.
i really like it when xiah sings.
i like to buy CDs.
my eyes are very important to me.
my stomach is important too but it doesn't seem to like me.


okay. owari desu. that's it.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Saturday, March 17, 2007

12:21 PM

on my way to becoming a better person.
currently listening to: Bye Bye Love [Yuri Sangja]

it's strange how i no longer think much to myself nowadays. i guess it has something to do with the brain being clogged up with workstuff and scholarship applications. i can't wait for everything to be over, but a long wait it shall be since the notifications for interviews and selection tests (everything i applied for needs them) comes april/may.

perhaps i'm neglecting how much of a turning point in life this is despite repeating it so many times to the point of it being mechanical. we will no longer don uniforms (other than NS guys who now have a different responsibilty tied to theirs), no longer have arranges timetables that we just need to follow, no longer have teachers breathing down our necks about the missing college pin or the shirt with the drawstrings. *poof* it all becomes the past.

somtimes i worry about university life, not really because of its different curriculum, but more because of the people i would be mixing with. see, i came all the way from acjc to tpjc because the latter's environment was one which i was familiar with. i recall being uncomfortable in the acjc setting because everyone seems to fit into the 'elite' category and you feel like some imbecile alongside them (especially when you have an 'outstanding' uniform), not to mention that they are extremely angmoh-fied over there as well. eventually i adjusted to the surroundings, but for the sake of a happier college life (with more familiar friends and less travelling time) i chose to leave it. but now, no more familiar environment, no more 15-minute bus rides to school, no more mixing with familiar friends when they have different pursuits.

it's like acjc all over again. *sigh*

i guess it's the lack of confidence and inferior complexity at work. maybe i'm simply overestimating the subject and making it a problem for myself (like i always do). i can't escape to anywhere else anymore, so i might as well make most of this unwelcomed change in life. we all have to, sadly.

sometimes i wonder if i'm too enclosed in my own world that i don't know how much i've got that is already enough to satisfy some others. perhaps i'm a little too self-centred that all i think about is my own stuff. kinda apparent since every single post in this blog is about me, what i did and how i think. you gotta think about greater things than yourself girl, else you'll end up like some 井底之蛙 completely oblivious to your surroundings.

when i think about it, i actually have nothing much to complain about because everythings stems from my lack of confidence and pessimism. i'm thinking too much, like all girls do but maybe i do it a little more than the average.

思想该广阔些，信心该多一些，放眼望去其实有太多东西更值得去深思呢。

okays, 2e4 gathering i shall go. i hope the people will come. *prays*

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Friday, March 16, 2007

2:07 PM

i wanna go back to school.
currently listening to: Bye Bye Love [Yuri Sangja]

i had to work on university admission and scholarhsip applications (last day) today so i am currently off from work and slacking at home. oh, my w-inds. and tvxq DVDs arrived yesterday!! so super happy cuz it's faster than expected, but the w-inds. THANKS Tour Concert DVD was out of stock so i'm still feeling a little sad over this.

i am also rather guilty about taking leave since my boss seems to be very busy and stressed up recently. and she's so nice to me too, i wonder if i am taking advantage of it. and i find it really hard on her that she has to find work for me to do and at the time time be engaged in her own. ahh... not to mention that i am an absolute klutz at work. i think there hasn't been a day where i've not made any mistakes at work. these includes jamming the printer thrice when it is in hot demand by the entire office, jamming the photocopier because it simply refuses to work for me and i wonder why, printing the same stuff over and over again without realising it, binding the papers in the wrong direction etc etc.

yes, i am an office girl.

but i am really quite amazed at the fact that such mundane stuff can keep me so busy for the entire day. maybe it's because i've got an incredibly slow computer when it comes to printing, burning CDs, scanning and opening powerpoint presentations. and really, the New York people are so fond of sending such large presentations that my computer always hangs when i try to open them. they are all like, a few hundred MBs at least?? now you know why i jam the printer.

AND, i am the daughter of the IS director, so this means i am really being scrutinized by everyone. my work performance has been really lousy so far so i'm feeling quite low about myself. BUT, there happens to be another temp worker in the office working for another brand, and apparently people have mistaken her to be me, so i'm hoping that they'd continue like that so i wouldn't marr my mother's reputation in the office.

ahhh, working in the office is rather tough. maybe it's cuz i have zero working experience so i tend to be a little slow at work. and some of the people in the office, especially in my mother's department, have known me since young, and i am so used to calling them aunties and uncles that i can't seem to rid the habit now that i'm working for the office. it seems weird that i am calling them "patrick uncle" and "gabrielle auntie" in the office, but it seems even weirder for me not to since they are really my elders. not to mention that i have to bother them alot due to my clumsiness in handling the computers and machines.

oh and because the IS director is like in the top 5 list of the "longest employee in the office" ranking, she comes in late quite often and takes more time for lunch than the standard 1 hour, so this means that i, the new temp with lousy work performance, is doing the same thing too. talk about a bad reputation.

i miss school like crazyyyy.

i miss macey tooooo. maybe i've not quite got over it yet, especially since i was looking for him in vain on results day and ended up chickening out when jingfang called to tell me that she spotted him. so there it goes, the last chance of seeing him; we will never meet again. i hope he takes care.

maybe i should get a lemon tree for remembrance.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

10:31 PM

really heck care this time.
currently listening to: It Ends Tonight [The All-American Rejects]

heck.
why am i worrying so much.
i'll just give whatever it takes.
if i don't get in, it simply means that someone else more deserving has.
and i'm okay with that.
i'll go wherever i'm needed.

anyways, i was really happy yesterday.
it felt like a looong day at work.
but the dinner at pizza hut was worth it.
laughed so much with the happy family.
zhen jiu ar!! nettetoianriema!!
*rolls on floor laughing*

i'm missing school.
i'm missing macey too.
haha, wonder how he is.
haiiii. time has passed.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Saturday, March 10, 2007

11:12 PM

heck care.
currently listening to: Dao Dai [Jolin Cai]

i went to the NTU open house today.

once again i'm very attracted by the WKW SCI, but i know it's so hard to get in. i asked around and confirmed that you have to go for both a selection test and an interview, the former being related to current affairs and the latter... um, should be rather daunting.

and they are reserving 50 places for polytechnic students this year, so there will only be 130 places left for JC students (if they do not include the NS guys from the 2004 batch). so out of the 15,318 dragon JC students (over two thousand who scored straight As), they'll be taking 130 or even less.

um, i'm trying my best to be more confident about this but i think i'll most likely end up in business.

which is almost as competitive since my friends told me NTU is only accepting 500 students this year. really, i wonder what they are thinking. this is such a large batch with so many of us scoring good grades and they are like accepting even lesser students than usual?? i mean, even FASS at NUS is like that. are they really trying to kill off all the dragons since there seems to be a common conception (well, at least among ourselves) that there's just too many of us? i thought dragons are suppose to be auspicious creatures; it seems to make us worse off.

okayy i know this is not entirely a 'dragon-year-so-there-is-more-competition' issue. it all boils down to whether you have it or not.

it seems that getting straight As is no longer anything to be happy about (i don't even have straight As for that matter) because it's just so common, you're just going along with the flow. rather, 'S' papers seem to be the criteria for the elite today. it sounds harsh, especially to those who didn't do as well, but this is the reality that i'm trying to digest because i have to.

i really think, seriously think, that i should just chuck my studies aside. the focus is entirely wrong, and it's not getting me anything other than making me feel increasingly lousy about myself. what's with all the distinctions when i can't even feel good about myself? i'd rather end up in a lousy school if it can make me more of a people-person. good grades are just too transient.

you say i'm a pessimist?

yeah, it's because i studied too hard.

i'm increasingly persuaded by the thought of joining xinwei at NIE. i'm totally not attracted by business although it's my alternative choice; i'm just putting it down because it's the most realistic. at least in NIE, i wouldn't have to put up with all the competition of entering the job industry and be compelled to make it big in there in order to survive. it's really a neverending process, worse when it's a process where you know you can never make it to the top no matter how hard you try. i'm almost sure that 10 years down the road, life will turn out to be quite meaningless for me.

at least you can have a more meaningful journey in the education profession.

but this will mean that i'm giving up whatever dreams that i once had. ironic that my dreams may end up leading me to a meaningless life but... it just might.

i'm not thinking of the big bucks but just be able to do the things i like. but reality is such that i don't have what it takes to do so. it really hurts when your close ones around you tell you bluntly that you're not suitable for such a job and you should stick to traditional options like some kind of office job. i really hate it when they say that because it totally destroys whatever little confidence that i managed to have and they don't seem to know it. i hate this so so so much but i'm can't speak for myself because i know that it's true. what dreams? what interest? it's just an utopia that can never happen. life shall be meaningless and miserable. now any course is okay it doesn't matter anymore.

shit why am i crying.

if only my interest was in business; life would be better...

... if i had a life to begin with.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Thursday, March 08, 2007

11:13 PM

i still don't know what to do so please do not disturb.
currently listening to: Baby Don't Cry [Amuro Namie]

i'm very confused.
no, i'm more than confused, i'm to the point of wanting to tear out my hair.

i never thought of career prospects, i just wanted to do something i am interested in. but parents expect you to do something that can confirm you a good career in the future.

...like LAW.

just when i thought everything was settled and i had finally found a course that i wanted to go into, they tell me i should do LAW. just when i was getting kinda flustered when mr dan called and sounded shocked that i didn't apply for any scholarship, they tell me i should do LAW with the reason that ANYONE can do communications but NOT EVERYONE can do LAW without qualifications.

i can't get my butt into the LAW faculty with AAAB2.

something i tried to explain but to no avail. i had never even imagined myself doing law so how can make a decision with only a few days left to the closing of applications! no interest, none at all. LAW??? siao lah. it's as impossible as getting into medicine.

and for some reason, which i suspect is closely linked to oligopolistic competition, all the universities are having their open house on the SAME DAY SAME TIME. some more siao people over there. frankly, the government should do something to stop such unhealthy competition because it exposes us students, the supposed future pillars of singapore, to the possible risk of missing out critical information that could affect our future paths and determine whether we can be genuine concrete 'pillars' instead of those makeshift ones you see on film settings. guess this means some of us are bound to end up being carried around as stage props.

AND THEN, i'm killing more brain cells thinking of the possible scholarships to apply. most of them come with bonds (realiiiiistic people) other than some kind exceptions like the NY Scholarship, which i think is pretty impossible to get so i shan't even try. AND, most of them require 'S' paper qualifications so 3As are worth like... peanuts? *starts to regret not trying for econs 'S' paper*

and look, people confirm their courses before they apply for their scholarships. and what am i doing here? i had never intended to apply for scholarships even if i did well, but now to think of it, i would be wasting my parents' money unneccessarily if i didn't. it'll also be a waste of those 3 As and the 'tpjc top arts student' label.

BUT THERE WILL BE INTERVIEWWWWS.
*starts to freak out and envisions failure*

i'm just so exhausted from work. and now i realised that i haven't finished contacting the 2e4 people for the gathering. this is just great and i'm going to fall asleep while trying.

please pardon the rants. and the english.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Monday, March 05, 2007

12:03 AM

it's on to the next stage for us.
currently listening to: Story [AI]

now we come to the major decision of choosing our future paths.

it still seems so unrealistic now that we've really really become JC graduates and it still feel like i have to return to tpjc soon for lessons. it feels like just a long holiday from JC more than such an important turning point that it really is. okay, just call me a nerd, but i really wanna go back to the classroom yeah.

the happiness from the results is gradually wearing off as i think about the possible obstacles that i'll be facing in the future, and of course, due to the dissapointment that some of my friends are experiencing. i was consoling some of my friends then but i know that it really is useless to console. if i were to put myself in their shoes, i'll most probably be even more hurt from such consolations because of my high self-expectations. yet, even though i knew how much my consolation might do the same to another, i still did it because i couldn't just stand by and watch them frantically trying to hold back their tears.

nothing can help them, like i once said, but it's really all in the mindset. if they can walk out of it themselves, then they're stronger than anybody else who scored straight As or aced GP. they will be much much stronger than me because i'd probably deem myself as a failure for the rest of my life if i were in their shoes and it's because i'm weak, very very weak.

if i could choose between scoring straight As and becoming a stronger person who could overcome any obstacle that stood in my way, i would undoubtedly, without any hesitation, pick the latter because that's what really matters. i can give up anything, anything in the world including w-inds.(if you know how much they mean to me), if i can gather enough courage to hold my head up high and have enough determination to achieve my goals no matter how hard it could be. straight As merely label you as a smart nerd, but it is inner strength that wins you the genuine respect of others.

i'm saying these from the bottom of my heart.

and to my friends who didn't meet their expectations, you guys are not alone because i'm always here with you. i'll be on twenty-four hours standby seven days a week. maybe it's hard to pick up the phone or call, just like it's equally hard for me to call and ask, but just remember that i'm always here and it is you that i care about, not your results. be strong!!! cuz that is all that matters.

moving on, an email from mr gay today really deflated whatever ego that i might have developed over my results, and i'm glad it did. not that it was an admonishment, it was just a very encouraging and funny email that set me thinking realistically.

"Give it a year of two, no one, including, yourself will be concerned with your A level results anymore.........likewise, your 'O' level results were life and death to you all at one stage but now, no one really cares about your O level rersults now anymore right? My point is that these results are transient and should not be taken as a reflection of your self worth or your ability. Your achievements and experiences gained while in TPJC is of far greater value. The learning experiences you have gained whether academically or spiritually, I believe is so enriching."

i'm aiming for a course that is made for someone with a strong will, sufficient self-confidence, a strong charisma and of course, good results. no, not medicine or law if you're not out of your mind yet (i can't even take one step into their lecture halls). i'm aiming for communication studies in ntu, which is a really hot course among our peers. the requirements i can only barely qualify for the "good grades", but the other 3 is what i've been pursuing all my life yet never really managed to acquire. that's why i say, grades are not everything. if i managed to qualify with my grades, i'll have to go for an interview, and that's where it really matters because it will determine if i have managed to become the confident person that i really wanna be, and also because it will then take me one step closer to my preferred career.

what if i failed? a question that has been bugging me since i made my choice. they have a really small intake. then i'll have to settle for something else and forever be regretful that i didn't make it, but hopefully that failure will make me inch closer to becoming the stronger person that i can only dream of.

now i'm just very confused. do i qualify for a scholarship? if so, then how do i get a suitable one? or should i just go overseas since that will be a good learning experience as well? even if i want to i wouldn't know where to go cuz i don't know which institutions offer communication studies. i don't even know if i can still go overseas since i've never given it much thought, much less to prepare for it.

haii. this is what happens when you don't plan early. how come i don't have tingxu's brain?

it's kinda weird. maybe it's because i've never imagined myself in the working environment before so i don't really think about my possible salary or job prospects when i'm choosing the courses. it really does feel like i'll just study and continue studying for the rest of my life. guess i haven't quite grown up yet.

anyways, applications end april 1st!!! is that fast or what?! they expect us to choose our future paths in just 2 weeks time like we all already know what to do. dunno how to empathise with us who are still recovering from d-day. our hearts and thoughts are still flying everywhere lor, and they think it's so easy for us to catch and organise them. *grumbles*

oh, and i ordered w-inds. and tvxq DVDs on yesasia!! it takes damn long for them to ship it here but i'm willing to wait anyhows. it's much cheaper than the prices in HMV lah, so i shall wait even though it will only arrive one month later. woohoo~~ happy happy~~~

*muahahahahahas*

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Friday, March 02, 2007

10:57 PM

please don't ever wake me up.
currently listening to: Baby Don't Cry [Amuro Namie]

man, i still think i'm dreaming.

i'm really still lost for words.

let me just express my happiness for a while before i lend my shoulders to the people who need me.

i told the whole world to leave me alone before i collected my results cuz i was rather convinced that i won't be getting anything good, and now for those who sincerely waited and really left me alone today...

i scored 3 As, 1 B, A2 for GP and A1 for AO Math.
and somehow became the top arts student in tpjc.
totally unexpected.

gosh, told you i still think i'm dreaming.

not like it's outrageously good i know, but it's really waayy beyond my expectations.
wayyyyyyyyy too much.

oh and when i spoke on stage today, i forgot to thank mrs ting!!!
the teacher who taught me the most stuff!!!
the teacher who made my A for economics possible!!!
the teacher whom i look forward to having her lessons!!!
and i forgot to thank her??
*slaps myself repeatedly*

THANKS MRS TING.
i shall tell the whole world that you're the best econs teacher around.

not like she'll ever see this but...
it makes me feel a little better.
*sheepish*

and chinese was a B.
can you believe it.
i can't believe it myself.
damn disappointed, wonder what mr henry low will say.

well, to sum it up,
economics was possible through hard work.
history was possible through practice.
ao math was possible through interest.
gp was possible through class discussions.
chinese was a major dissapointment.
literature was... i really dunno how it happened.
maybe it was the countless extra lectures we had.

but the teachers and 05A02 are really the reasons for it all lah.
i'm sure i would have failed GP if i wasn't in 05A02 and didn't have mrs toh as my GP tutor.

haii. so overwhelmed.
before i forgot this unbelievable moment in the days to come, let me just say it again:

sincere heartfelt thanks to mr gay, mrs ting, mdm yang, mrs toh, mr low, ms lee, ms lam, mr reynolds and mr dan for all the hard work put in to make me, or rather, us to all graduate without any tears of dissappointment.

and deepest gratitude to 05A02, especially my happy family, because this would not have been possible without any of you. you guys have not only given me so many fun memories in this arduous JC experience, but also helped me to achieve such results simply by being the loud, dynamic, hyper class that 05A02 is renowned for.

greatest appreciation to my family for putting up with my tantrums and deliberate isolation during the mugging period, and yet still tell me that they'll support me no matter how bad my grades are.


man, how i wished i had this script when i was stammering on stage just now.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。