力不从心
currently listening to: 20 Tsubu no Kokoro [RYTHEM]


living life without school, without work, without a definite purpose to wake up everyday for, kinda makes you think time is just passing by. there's really so much you want and need to do yet you just can't make enough effort to do it. there's the feeling that there just isn't enough time, but the fact really is that you aren't making good use of the time you have.

now that i'm just waiting for work, waiting for chinese new year, waiting for driving lessons, waiting for outings, waiting for the dreaded release of results... the brain is kinda getting affected by all the inaction. i'm getting more and more disorganised by the second, not to mention more and more moody as well. it hit me like never before that life has to have a purpose, be it self-imposed or supposedly mandatory, else it's really just a waste of time. in this current moment, this 'waste of time' is loomed over by several uncertainties and darkness owing much to the results yet to be released and the vexing issue of the path to be taken in a few months to come. my thoughts are just flying everywhere.

i'm saying the same things over and over again, telling myself i should do this and this, convincing myself that i should think in this and this way, but i'm not doing it. i'm just simply... wasting time as it is. the lack of determination and a strong will have always been a persistent problem. much as i reprimand myself for being so, i'm not doing much to change it and i really wonder why i'm still stuck like this. is it because i can't seem to do things for myself? that i must always have another person, or another impersonal reason, so that i'll finally set my mind on doing something?

maybe i should pay more attention to myself, without being so mindful of others, of the events that are happening around me. it kind of sounds like i'm blaming my weaknesses on others, but no, it's really me who is giving myself the weaknesses and worries. my way of life seems to operate by the happenings around me, by expectations, by friends and family, that i never really had a character of my own. sometimes i think i'm putting on different faces to different people. i can never be clear of what i want, i can never be sure of my feelings, i can never bare my genuine thoughts to others, i can never be confident enough to stand on my own, and these are like obstacles that are becoming larger and larger that i can't see what's ahead of me at all.

listen to myself. i'm saying this but i know i will never be able to do it.
多想做个想到什么就做什么的人.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。