其实也不需要那么长的时间去发现。
currently listening to: Baby Don't Cry [Amuro Namie]

曾几何时，我在这里宣泄着不满，不安，不愉快。
曾几何时，我借着此地澄清行为及想法，理清思绪。
曾几何时，我在这里感受了，并且传达了，真切的关心与鼓励。
曾几何时，我因为在这个空间所获得的动力而绽放微笑。
曾几何时，我在这个地方隐藏了最真实的自己。

曾几何时。。。到底什么时候变得如此遥远？

是因为自己没有办法再对自己诚实，还是因为没办法对别人诚实？
原来在很久以前，就连直视他人双目的能力也没有了。
总之，就是疲累，可竟连这里，也没办法消除了。

想想，这里所收藏的，给予了鼓励却也是我懦弱的象征。
尽管它的美好是何等深刻，但却让我更加的想封闭自己。
可是就算遗弃了，也没办法恢复原状吧。

现在，已经不想和别人分享或传达想法了。
连懦弱，也不是很想让大家看见了。
到底为什么？ 想到了很多不知是否正确的理由。
但最让我信服的，就是保护自己的这个说法吧。

又或者，这又是另一个逃避现实，逃避责任的手段？
面对预知的失败，而想趁早逃离。
那么，这又是懦弱了。

最初的目的，此时的觉悟。
这一切竟都是为了留住开心的自己，保存美好的回忆与印象。
。。。真矛盾，可是有些事，我决不允许它被抹黑，尽管是在自己的心里也不可以。
至少到现在为止，这里字字都是我真实的心情和属于我心中最美好的回忆。
所以，这里仍然是我的避风港。

可惜得是，真实也有被混淆的一天， 而“回忆”这个字眼，也有着“已成往事”的含义。

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Saturday, February 17, 2007

8:55 PM

bai nian~
currently listening to: Nothing~ [Lalala]

yoyoyo!!
happy chinese new year!!!

eh, is there such thing as a chinese new year resolution?
i think so.
i wanna become stronger.

成长！成长~！我要~成长~~~
*hums*

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

3:08 AM

力不从心
currently listening to: 20 Tsubu no Kokoro [RYTHEM]


living life without school, without work, without a definite purpose to wake up everyday for, kinda makes you think time is just passing by. there's really so much you want and need to do yet you just can't make enough effort to do it. there's the feeling that there just isn't enough time, but the fact really is that you aren't making good use of the time you have.

now that i'm just waiting for work, waiting for chinese new year, waiting for driving lessons, waiting for outings, waiting for the dreaded release of results... the brain is kinda getting affected by all the inaction. i'm getting more and more disorganised by the second, not to mention more and more moody as well. it hit me like never before that life has to have a purpose, be it self-imposed or supposedly mandatory, else it's really just a waste of time. in this current moment, this 'waste of time' is loomed over by several uncertainties and darkness owing much to the results yet to be released and the vexing issue of the path to be taken in a few months to come. my thoughts are just flying everywhere.

i'm saying the same things over and over again, telling myself i should do this and this, convincing myself that i should think in this and this way, but i'm not doing it. i'm just simply... wasting time as it is. the lack of determination and a strong will have always been a persistent problem. much as i reprimand myself for being so, i'm not doing much to change it and i really wonder why i'm still stuck like this. is it because i can't seem to do things for myself? that i must always have another person, or another impersonal reason, so that i'll finally set my mind on doing something?

maybe i should pay more attention to myself, without being so mindful of others, of the events that are happening around me. it kind of sounds like i'm blaming my weaknesses on others, but no, it's really me who is giving myself the weaknesses and worries. my way of life seems to operate by the happenings around me, by expectations, by friends and family, that i never really had a character of my own. sometimes i think i'm putting on different faces to different people. i can never be clear of what i want, i can never be sure of my feelings, i can never bare my genuine thoughts to others, i can never be confident enough to stand on my own, and these are like obstacles that are becoming larger and larger that i can't see what's ahead of me at all.

listen to myself. i'm saying this but i know i will never be able to do it.
多想做个想到什么就做什么的人.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Friday, February 09, 2007

4:20 PM

arghh.
currently listening to: Milk Tea [Masaharu Fukuyama]

gosh i'm an idiot.
IDIOT.
i'm really really an idiot.
i should've known better than to have said that.
IDIOT!!!!

*tears out hair*
*smacks myself*
*knocks head against wall*

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

2:58 PM

back.
currently listening to: Yu Tian [Stefanie Sun]

hoo~~ i thought i'd never make it back.

i guess it's only when you actually leave for a period of time that you get to appreciate the small island a little more. it kinda works both ways. i was only away for two weeks and it felt like eternity. then when i finally left i find myself missing seoul, albeit not as much as i did for singapore when i was there.

yet the only thing about seoul was that i actually got to walk around on my own for a little. my brother accompanied me for the first few days, but the last day where i actually got to go around seoul all by myself was probably the best out of the 9 days that i was there. taking in the sights, having some time entirely of your own, developing your own first experiences, feeling as if you are cut off from your usual environment etc were exactly the stuff that i could rarely do even in singapore.

and you have no idea how it makes you grow.

anyways, after seoul and beijing, i'm still trying to get back to the singapore mode, and i have no doubts that it will be easy since i haven't been gone for that long. the only difference is that there will be a little more appreciation, and perhaps gratitude, in the way i view the island and its heavily criticised government.

so the A level results are coming out soon, not long after the O level results on 9 feb. i can feel the people hyperventilating around me. *wahahaha* somehow i find myself hoping that the results will never come, never ever come, so we can all carry on with our current stuff. ie, i'm trying to escape. but i do try to imagine how it will be like. i know for sure that no matter how it turns out, i'll end up crying, but it is the reason behind the tears that i'm trying to predict.

relief, because i'm finally free for the arduous wait? or will it be because i am finally released from two years of stressful mugging? worse still, despair, because my hard work had not paid off? because two years of effort have been cruelly translated into a certificate that deemed me a failure?

relief or despair, it's 50-50.

or maybe it will be like the O levels... just pure blankness. i didn't know if i should be happy or sad. major part of it being that i had self-confirmed that i would be getting poor results due to the MOE letter incident that had gone around then, but my results turned out to be very average. i had aimed high. i recall falling into deep despair, a period where encouragement translated into a deeper sense of failure, where i spent days coming to terms with myself that i would be getting poor results such that i knew i wouldn't have any more tears to cry when it finally becomes reality. but this time, there is no cushion to fall back on, to lessen the possible despair during that moment in the near future, and this time whatever emotions would be doubly felt because the amount of effort put in is on an entirely different level from the O level period.

then you feel that no one understands. it's easy to say "oh man, i can't believe she didn't score..." or "what happened? she was faring well...", but all these will be quickly forgotten in the form of pity. yet the reality remains for that person, and no one can help, no words can help either because they all seem to prick at one's pride and heightened one's sense of failure. forgetting, for both sides, might then be the best from of console that is deemed to be cowardice and escapism that does nothing to salvage anything.

that's why it's always hard to console.

okay it seems like i'm getting more serious nowadays and this is bad. i should get some fun somewhere before i start growing white hair.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。