before i say anything else...

currently listening to: My Everything [CSJH]

THANK YOU!!!

thank you guys so much for the kboxing and the present!!
haven't had so much fun for such a long time.
haven't received such a meaningful present before.
haven't talked so much non-stop since sec school days.
haven't truly appreciated what i had around me as well.
i'm really touched lah.

for someone who always used to weigh her presents by cost, today was really a turning point for me. it's kinda embarrassing for me to say this but yep, regardless of whether i'm the giver or the receiver, i always used to weigh presents by cost. i've tried buying expensive presents for others before, i've tried making meaningful presents for others before, i've also tried not giving any present at all (*muahaha*)... but for me to receive such a present is a first. and i've never ever felt the unbelievable sincerity that such a present could bring to one.

thinking back, most of my presents are things that i shamelessly drop numerous amounts of hints to make people know that i am in 'dire need' of it. never have i been given anything hand-made because i am always very particular about the cost (*muahahaha*). but the frame today was really something that moved me. it's not just a simple collage filled with our precious moments, but also of many many w-inds. pictures that filled nearly three-quarters of the collage.

it might seem like a simple collage to anyone else. but it actually meant their understanding and concern towards me. so sincere that i can't believe they actually made effort to understand me. recalling michelle's words earlier on...

we actually wanted to make one with all our own photos on it, but we thought you would be scared by our faces everytime you woke up so we decided to put up w-inds. as well so you can have a happier day ahead.

it was all in a joking tone when she said that. i don't know how i manage to contain myself but i really wanted to just hug her and cry then. they knew that i'm so madly obsessed with w-inds. that they made a collage with more of w-inds. than themselves. they wanted to recap the memories in the frame but they made so much way for w-inds. that it ended up occupying 3/4 of the board. they tended so well to my likes and dislikes that i'm getting so touched and guilty at the same time.

touched because i never thought i possessed such friendship.
guilty because i made them think that w-inds. is more important than them.

a few days ago i found this 'success cup' that tingxu gave me a few years back. something for me to note down my successes in life. i stared at it and wondered how come i'd never used it before. i thought, maybe it's because i haven't ever had any successes in life yet. kinda sad, got depressed for awhile, something struck. i stared at the cup again. and i thought to myself, how come it's at the bottom of the closet?

it's then that i recall what kind of a friend i've been. someone who would shamelessly remind others of her own birthday and forget everyone else's. someone who would throw tantrums at her friends and not bothering to say sorry. someone who would contact her friends only when there's a need to. someone who can be oblivious to the feelings of others. someone who would put studying before outings with friends. someone who would only blabber on and on about w-inds. and drag her friends on her w-inds shopping trip when she feels like it. someone who actually weighed her friends' presents by cost.

in contrast, when i complained that we haven't been to kbox for such a long time, a kbox outing was arranged and all set the moment i returned from hong kong. with a surprise birthday celebration and handmade present in the package. steamboat dinners were postponed.. trips to malaysia were postponed.. friend who was going abroad the very next day turned up.. friend who had to rush off to her church event made her way there.. and then they all said happy birthday.

gratitude.
so overwhelmed by emotions.

before i get all teary-eyed again, let me just talk about the temasek sec band concert that i rushed off to after kboxing.

as usual, i was there because ruiqi was performing.
i don't know how to appreciate band music but i did enjoy the music.
and i didn't feel bored at any time at all, which certainly is something.
but it's a little different from the previous time.

during 'offstrings', i never thought that the girl sitting right in front with the clarinet would be such a close friend to me one year later. i never thought that a certain percussionist would end up being in the same chinese class with me. but today, i'm looking at the stage not only for my beloved cousin's performance, but also at more familiar, endearing faces that i can identify with. who knows i might end up knowing more of them in the university? *muahahhaa* it's remarkable the way fate works.

and then there was interaction with the family. i have to admit i'm a rather 'cold' person at home. i don't talk to my family much about myself or anything else. but tonight was a little different in that i kept talking and laughing and talking and laughing. maybe it was the after-effect of being overwhelmed by emotions back at kbox earlier on, but i have to admit it was a rather jolly dinner that we had tonight. in contrast to the fact that we always have our dinners separately at home, tonight was rather different, and i didn't feel as weird as i thought i would. in fact, i kinda thought that it was fun. but it's always this way with the family-- mixed emotions that you can never fully express, or want to express. kinship? i don't think i can ever figure it out. it's complex.

come to think of it, the world's really small. or maybe it's singapore that's small because everyone seems to be linked to one another somehow. just look at friendster. family can be linked to friends. primary schoolmates can be linked to secondary school mates. secondary schoolmates to tertiery schoolmates. the list goes on. just like the kbox earlier on with a mixture of primary and secondary schoolmates. a band concert with family and friends. a mahjong session a few days back with primary, secondary and JC schoolmates. what will come next? it's a world full of coincidences.

shucks. i haven't started on my xmas cards.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。