bah. sudden guilt.

currently listening to: Primacy [Mai Hoshimura]

my life is actually rather simple.
it's busy, it's draining, but it's simple.
i get irritated, i get sad i get angry but i rarely breakdown.

life in school is even more simple.
it's long, it's tiring, it's hectic.
i get tons of homework loads of stress uncountable number of headaches.
but it's actually okay.

sometimes i think i feel this way because i don't pay attention to things and people around me. i am self-contented (even though i complain alot) and i'm living in a world of my own. it's not an illusion kinda world-- my life is really that simple-- but more of a enclosed world where i simply don't give much thought to things that doesn't really concern me.

the realisation of this fact gave me an uneasy sense of guilt and helplessness recently. because i have never really been in love, i can't understand when my friends get so affected by their relationship problems. because i have never really had very very serious problems in my family, i get rather oblivious to friends who have such problems with their own. because i never really had any major problem with my relationships with others, i can't understand when others suffer from ostracisations with ill intentions. when i see these things, i can't say anything or do anything for them that i think would be appropriate, and feel i'm in an inadequate position to even advice them to do anything because i'd never been through their troubles before. i want to help, but i never know how to.

i think i may be disconcerning myself with them for this very fact. recently when i hear or see of the problems of others, i get guilty and disappointed that i can't understand and this is worsened by the fact that i'm the last one anyone would turn to for solace. this isn't surprising since i've always been disconcerning myself with their problems; no attempt to really understand them but living on my own world and my 'i-have-to-mug-all-day-and-other-stuff-don't-matter-plus-they-should-really-be-doing-the-same-anyway' ideology.

worse still, i talk of my own problems and expect them to listen. i talk of my own emotions and feelings and expect them to feel along with me. i'm doing it so often and feeling the after-effects of it, such that even when i talk of macey, i have the feeling that i'm being indifferent to the problems of others.

this is really costing me.
any idea how selfish this is.

but it's too late anyway.
i've appeared as such a character.
this image of me is already in their minds.
an image that i don't deny i have.
thing is...

i don't think i'll be doing much to change it, much as i'm feeling bad and guilty about it.

the innate sense of practicalism is in me, and functioning to it's fullest capacity at this point of time, with the stress and exams and everything. it's almost like, my heart and soul want to be rid of it, but my mind and body do not permit. and so, there will always be the sense of guilt, and so, i will continue to live in my own protected world, and so, i will continue to complain, and so....

i can only pray for them to be happy.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。