i have to post this i have to post this i have to post this... *chants*.
currently listening to: Boogie Woogie 66[w-inds.]
w-inds. new single~ BOOGIE WOOGIE 66!!!!
keita!!!! i just wanna say that i love him lots and lots and lots.
*waahahaha* yep i'm an absolute fangirl when it comes to w-inds. i'll just smile when i see them no? and it takes away the stress. temporarily. *bliss*
the song's really different from what they used to do. but i swear the dance is much nicer. there's even a moonwalk part okay!!! gosh i'm so high high high~~~
now i feel extremely guilty for having neglected them for months. just to mug my head off in school and at home. i didn't even notice that their THANKS tour concert's on!!!! and that they are going to taiwan for an mtv performance. *slaps self*
but. 3 more months. and i'll revert back full power to the fangirl mode. *MUAHAHHAHA*
for now. i think i shall finally attempt my history practice paper that's due tomorrow.
**w-inds. fever**
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Thursday, August 24, 2006
3:17 AM
i'm just very stressed up okay.
currently listening to: White Light [Namie Amuro]]
okay. 17 days to prelims. 54 days to graduation 70 days to a levels.
i need at least 23 days for minimal revision for all my 4As and 2 AOs. but i have only 17 days to do it.
and i can only extend the revision times to two times of going over my revision before my first a level paper, and two times is not exactly what you should be doing if you're aiming for ABBD.
i feel like giving up for the prelims then preparing straight for the a levels since i don't have enough time anyway. but again, the prelims is my last chance of gauging my standards. if i pass it away just like that, i might be studying blindly without customizing my studies to exactly what i need to score for the alevels. i might not even know what hit me if i really do flunk my alevels. *touch wood*
i.e. it's very risky cuz you won't feel prepared for a major exam at all.
and i'm very sick of people telling me that i will be doing okay in the a levels. you have no idea about my luck with exams. not all nerds score in exams. even the teachers are not saying this, obviously because i'm still not good enough. no such stuff please cuz i don't want to be faced again with the look of disbelief on people's faces when i inform them about my crappy results. it really does alot to your pride.
anyway.
i don't feel like going to school. like deborah said, we probably won't have enough time to finish studying if we continue going to school and returning home totally fagged and in no condition to start studying at all. today i got home earlier for once at 3pm and was so exhausted that i blatantly snoozed till 8pm-- gone is the time for precious study. how to prepare for the prelims liddat?
BUT again there will always be important stuff that you miss when you skip school, so i guess it's all a matter of measuring your opportunity costs. you can't have the best of both worlds. so now i wonder what i'll be choosing.
gosh, i think i'm getting crankier by day.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Saturday, August 19, 2006
4:07 PM
it's more than just determination
currently listening to: Let Go [Yoshika Loves m-flo]
i am telling you. i'm sick of all these.
eliminate all possible sources of distraction. eliminate all unjustifiable reasons to feel tired. eliminate all lame excuses to take a long break. eliminate all irrational temptations to have fun.
eliminate all ridiculous thoughts of that idiot.
you have less than 3 months. you won't be going anywhere if you mess this up. you know that don't you?
okay.
oh hey, i just realised that: Revolution -'u' = Revoltion hmmmm.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
8:14 PM
gogogo!!!
currently listening to: Melodia [Mai Hoshimura]
prelims in 3 weeks time. i can do it! i can do it, right?
farewell on 18 october. i can bear it! i can bear it, right?
A levels on 2 nov. i must make it! i must definitely make it, right?
but there's an Othello quote test tomorrow that i haven't studied for. and i've been stuck at french revolution read-up for 3 whole weeks.
there's no more excuse for excuses. perservere, along with the thousand others who are trying. you're not the only one who's tired.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
7:27 PM
bah. sudden guilt.
currently listening to: Primacy [Mai Hoshimura]
my life is actually rather simple. it's busy, it's draining, but it's simple. i get irritated, i get sad i get angry but i rarely breakdown.
life in school is even more simple. it's long, it's tiring, it's hectic. i get tons of homework loads of stress uncountable number of headaches. but it's actually okay.
sometimes i think i feel this way because i don't pay attention to things and people around me. i am self-contented (even though i complain alot) and i'm living in a world of my own. it's not an illusion kinda world-- my life is really that simple-- but more of a enclosed world where i simply don't give much thought to things that doesn't really concern me.
the realisation of this fact gave me an uneasy sense of guilt and helplessness recently. because i have never really been in love, i can't understand when my friends get so affected by their relationship problems. because i have never really had very very serious problems in my family, i get rather oblivious to friends who have such problems with their own. because i never really had any major problem with my relationships with others, i can't understand when others suffer from ostracisations with ill intentions. when i see these things, i can't say anything or do anything for them that i think would be appropriate, and feel i'm in an inadequate position to even advice them to do anything because i'd never been through their troubles before. i want to help, but i never know how to.
i think i may be disconcerning myself with them for this very fact. recently when i hear or see of the problems of others, i get guilty and disappointed that i can't understand and this is worsened by the fact that i'm the last one anyone would turn to for solace. this isn't surprising since i've always been disconcerning myself with their problems; no attempt to really understand them but living on my own world and my 'i-have-to-mug-all-day-and-other-stuff-don't-matter-plus-they-should-really-be-doing-the-same-anyway' ideology.
worse still, i talk of my own problems and expect them to listen. i talk of my own emotions and feelings and expect them to feel along with me. i'm doing it so often and feeling the after-effects of it, such that even when i talk of macey, i have the feeling that i'm being indifferent to the problems of others.
this is really costing me. any idea how selfish this is.
but it's too late anyway. i've appeared as such a character. this image of me is already in their minds. an image that i don't deny i have. thing is...
i don't think i'll be doing much to change it, much as i'm feeling bad and guilty about it.
the innate sense of practicalism is in me, and functioning to it's fullest capacity at this point of time, with the stress and exams and everything. it's almost like, my heart and soul want to be rid of it, but my mind and body do not permit. and so, there will always be the sense of guilt, and so, i will continue to live in my own protected world, and so, i will continue to complain, and so....
i can only pray for them to be happy.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
11:30 PM
post-'high' syndrome
currently listening to: Primacy [Mai Hoshimura]
high high into the sky.
i dunno whether to be happy or sad. well, at least there was the class outing today. =)))
i slept till 11pm today. GRRRRR. *slaps myself*
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
10:32 PM
@.@
currently listening to: Chu Dian [SHE]
i know i said i won't blog unless i'm cranky. but right now i AM feeling super cranky. i'm complaining. beware.
but bear with it.
i have a screwed up handphone that switches off itself after 5 seconds so i replaced it temporarily with another, which is prolly the most low-tech handphone i've ever seen cuz it doesn't have a collar id of sorts so i end up with tons of messages whom i cannot identify the senders, which is extremely irritating cuz it would be so impolite to ask who the toots the person is (even though i've done it lots of times already). and because the toot phone doesn't seem to have any phone memory of its own, i can't store any new contacts in it since the SIM card is full, so i ended up having to manually type out all the 200++ contacts that's in the phone memory of the screwed phone (outside SIM) which got me to around 2am this morning. and today i just had to send urgent msgs about literature to everybody in class BUT i don't have any of the contacts in the SIM card so i had to log on to the computer and scroll up and down for their contacts (lucky i keyed them in last night). worse still, the messaging system in the phone is toots lousy cuz firstly, you can't send in bulk so i have to keep forwarding the message every time i finish sending it to someone. secondly, you don't know who you are sending the message to unless you double check. thirdly, it is fond of typing in CAPS so i have to manually UN-CAP them but i didn't have the patience to do it properly so i ended up with a msg with lots of weird word forms like "hI thiS IS xiNYi--blah", which might look cool to some people but definitely not to me cuz i'm personally very much irritated by such word forms. this also means that i take 5 minutes just to reply to a simple question like "where is the lesson tmr." fourthly, there is a toot LIMIT to the outbox, and i'm only allowed to have max 10 msgs in the outbox so i have to manually delete all of them every time i finish sending a message to the entire class. fifthly, the inbox takes a loooong time to load, which is agonizing to a hasty person like me who might consider banging her head against the wall to spare herself from the torture of having to wait endlessly for a lousy phone to load a single message.
and some will ask why i didn't use the tpjc internal messaging system like i always do, which then gets me started on another complaint cuz my tpjc inbox is ALSO screwed. no matter how many times i log in or when i log in or how long before i log in again, the inbox always says "Can't Open File 'S8846myICnumber'", which means that i cannot receive or send any message at all and this is only happening to minority ME becuz my brother could still have access to his inbox. i tried to look all over for somewhere to report this fault but the only one i could find was the 'Fault Reporting' of computers in the school and none for common simple troubled students like me who are so unfortunately plagued with problems with our personal inboxs. i can't even find a way to message the technical experts in school. so this prolly means that i would have to make a trip down either to the 'computer office' (or whatever you call it) or the general office, which equates to even more time wasted of the 92 days left to the A levels.
and this gets me to my even bigger complaint about schoolwork. the number of assignments that are piling of is impossible. and the number of tests lined up is EVEN MORE impossible. my saturdays are all gone. this, however, is a common problem faced by every single JC2 student right now so it isn't really something to keep harping on about. maybe i should add that i will be going to school EVERY SINGLE DAY during the PRELIMS cuz i have at least 1 paper on every stupid day of the prelims. more infuriatingly i just realised that i lost my PC worksheet that has been giving me problems since the literature timed test last saturday. there are 2 worksheet- A and B. i brought A on saturday but she wanted to do B. i brought B on tuesday and even rushed the gothic outline for the lesson but she wanted to do A. now she wants to do A tomorrow again and i realised that amidst all the flurry i have LOST THAT TOOT WORKSHEET despite frantically ransacking the shelves for it. WHAT. i should have just lugged my entire shelf with me for every single lesson it seems. lesson to be learnt here as well: NEVER try to predict literature teachers. especially TPJC lit teachers. yours truly is telling you that you will only make trouble for yourself and your class if you try to act smart and guess their moves cuz they'll always be fickle-minded and change their agenda for the lesson anytime they want then leaving you feeling like a sinner cuz you have told the class the wrong information for the lesson.
the BIGGEST problem is that i have a Silas Marner test tomorrow which i have not finished studying for. the 'walking-around-in-bugis-till-6pm' today didn't exactly contribute to my understanding of the text, especially when i only got home at around 7.30pm cuz of the ridiculously long wait for the bus, and then busy myself with contacting the entire class about literature class and then answering their questions one by one with that stupid useless hopelessly-outdated handphone of mine. ranting nonstop right now is also diminishing my time for study, but it's 11am now and i'm too cranky to ever get down to any studying.
so this means that i shall be flunking anotherthe literature test tomorrow.
god saaaaave me. i think i shall be malfunctioning very soon.
and strangely you don't seem to make it better anymore.
