i'm thinking too much.

currently listening to: Key to My Heart [Mai Kuraki]

i came up with a few conclusions recently.
it's either he doesn't know it at all.
or that he knows it and is irritated by it.
why do i feel that the latter seems to be what is happening now.

it's always like that.
it goes up and then it comes down again hard.
i'm always getting the i-am-so-happy feeling for a few days.
then down with the why-am-i-doing-this feeling after that.
then i back to the i-am-so-happy mode.
then again to the why-am-i-doing-this mode.
the cycle continues.

maybe it's because to me he seems to be changing all the time as well.
it's so unnerving everytime we meet.
sometimes i even try to run away from it.
might be because i didn't want to know his reaction.
... or be faced with the lack of it.

okay so that's it.
i'm scared.

why am i so... urgghh.

i don't think i should try to rationalise.
but can't i be more 'normal' with such stuff.
i can't understand why i'm so so so concerned.

and there's no guarantee that he is still him.
as in the him in primary school.
what if he's no longer what he was?

it's a disheartening thought.
really disheartening.

i'm only looking at him and telling myself that's him.
but i know too that i can never be sure.
maybe memories are the stuff that really got me so engrossed.

i think i am really overly concerned.
get back to studying lah.
think so much.
*shakes head*

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。