crap day

currently listening to: The Day [K]

crap day.
i think i'm blogging alot recently.
fluctuations in my mood.

this post..
lots of rants.
lots of toots-ing about people and stuff.
i hope you don't mind.
just don't continue reading.

i can't stand it anymore.
i hate being ignored intentionally.
once, twice, thrice.... okay.
but don't push your luck.

i miss haising terribly. haising is like... such a protected place, sealed away from all the negative externalities of the outside world. you just feel that you fit right into the wherever it is inside. of course there are mundane grumbles and problems here and there but you'll never feel like you hate that place and can't wait to step out of it. even after lessons, after school.. hanging around in school is so normal. going to school is such a happy thing because you know that the day will be a great one with all these people around you. yet now i can't wait to step out of tpjc.

the people in haising are.. well i don't exactly know the words to describe them, but i would say we lead a very 'innocent' life in haising. there isn't much quarrels, backstabbing, bullying etc etc. we seem so perfectly happy with one another in there, where there would be people who understand and connect with you, seek solace with you when you feel like it's the end of the world. somehow, there is this thing there, this thing that we can all identify ourselves by.

and so when we step out of haising... well, at least for me, i've been frowning and frowning more often than i have ever done before. i witness things that never occurred in haising before, i hear things that i never thought could happen. and more importantly, i feel things that i have never felt before. it used to be loneliness in acjc, but now in tpjc it's more than that.

in acjc, i felt lonely because there wasn't anyone from haising, everybody was from outside haising, so suddenly i am exposed to so much stuff that i initially had problems coping with. the feeling came and went when i could finally adapt, but i had already chosen to leave that place then. so i stepped into tpjc, and i thought i found the familiar 'haising' feeling once again since there were so many people that i could identify myself with. but we are all dispersed and this means getting new friends and new cliques again. yet that feeling is never there, the feeling that everything is going well, the feeling that it is so great to just be in school... nothing like that in jc.

and i don't think it has anything to do with stress. stress is undoubtedly a factor that is constantly bugging our present lives, but it's not the main problem that makes school unbearable. it's the place, the surroundings and sometimes the people in it that makes school such a repulsive thought. it is very different. if we try, we could adapt, but the feeling can never be the same because jc and haising... they are very different.

and it's the thought that i can never recover this feeling anymore that saddens me. i recall the very last day that i could still be considered a haisian, the last day that i'm fooling around in school with the gang... and the immense sadness that came along with the thought of the word 'last'... it is still with me. you're right, we can always hang out together again, but that's when our hearts and souls are all so worn out, when all of us have changed from our sudden exposure to the 'outside' world, when we have so much to tell one another that we find it so hard to put them into words. and even when we meet, we're lamenting over the loss of that particular thing we once possessed in haising and feeling the heartache together. does that make it any better? does it change the basics? can that bring back the thing we once had?

in such moments i can only feel helpless about this situation we're trapped in.

i miss those days.
more than you can ever imagine.



okay enough.
let's talk about today.

i got back my econs test today.
as expected, i screwed up my econs mcq.
my essay was an okay but i am still very much disappointed with it.
i shall repeat this once more... I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED.

*depression*

i came back home from an interact meeting.
i'm very sorry to whichever interactor who reads this but,
it was a waste of my time.
i can't help feeling this.

i used to think that mentoring is the pits because it took away my time for interact meetings. i mean, i've only been to less than 5 interact meetings the whole of last year because of mentoring, so i was grumbling about being more of a 'true hearts mentor' rather than an 'interactor' since i'm spending so much more time on mentoring. i was so happy that i could finally step down from mentoring cuz i thought it would finally mean more free time and interact meetings for me.

but now that i am completely relieved of my mentoring duties, i think i would be better off with them rather than going for interact meetings. at least mentoring was fruitful and i did loads of stuff in that short period of 2 hours. but now in interact meetings i find myself just wandering about the room and wondering what the hell the others are doing and when i ask, they either give me a blank face or the expression that seems to say, "what you mean you dunno? can you stop asking." worse still, the interact meetings this year are centered upon the JC1s, and so the JC2 interactors who went for the meeting seem so displaced and 'there for the sake of being there'.

i mean, i don't mind working on projects with the JC1s, but more often than not i find myself just sitting there and chatting crap. like today we were told to split into groups to discuss stuff, so i decided to be more proactive and wanted to intitiate the discussion so we could get the ball rolling. suddenly emu told me, "but we were not told what to discuss right?" and it was true. we asked and waited... and then we were only told what to do at the very end of the entire interact meeting when everyone was already heading for the door.

so what was i doing the whole time at the meeting? *tries to recall*

playing with my fingers. fiddling with the interact photobook. trying to twist my head so i could see jf's cb. messaging jf about cb. chatting with vanessa and emu.

i don't know but it seems like i've been wasting my time isn't it? i'm not saying that anyone should be at fault but yeah, somehow this happens. the same amount of time could have been spent in trying to understand more about my mentees if i was still mentoring. or it could have been spent on useful revision which i so badly need now. i can't understand why i was so insistent about going for interact meetings. i even dragged minghui clarrissa zubaidah and xiuyu along, and i feel so guilty about it cuz they were rotting there along with me. i didn't have the heart to leave because it is my responsibility as in interactor to turn up for meetings, but i seem to be just wasting my time there.

like i was telling pipi today, jc students shouldn't do everything that they are suppose to do because that's being stupid. for example, it's not smart to complete all your homework if it is at the expense of a test the next day or simply fruitful revision that is so neccessary if you are to do well in the end. it's the same for everything else. a stubborn sense of responsibility is not gonna get you anywhere other than the reputation of being a guaiguai student, and you really don't want that. take it from me.

argh.
i feel so rotten.
complaining and tooting away about stuff.
seems to be happening so often nowadays.
and such entries make me feel so mediocre.

bleh.
logging off for alvernia.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。