currently listening to: Special Happiness [KAT-TUN]
today i stupidly shared a bun with my mother. my mother who had gastric flu. the gastric flu which is contagious especially through saliva. so....
i feel like vomitting right now.
this aching feeling won't go away. heard that apples will help so i'm gorging myself with apples right now. erm.. hope i won't throw them up like what i did with the grapes.
moving on, i've arranged my schedule for the holidays. it really looks like i'm gonna have less time for staring at the clouds. for one, the interact camp. i just realised that deborah and me are the only j2 non-excos going!!
okayy. so right now i'm trying to find a way to tell them that we might wanna back out. but i agreed to help Sandar with the thingy on IU night. so this means i have to turn up at least for the IU night.
argh.
my handphone finally decided to go totally haywire today. it has been acting strange since i lost its antenna at the parliament house. i think it has been struggling hard for the past week. poor thing. it finally screwed up today.
so now i have a antenna-less handphone that says "Emergency Only". which means that i can only receive or call or message when there's an emergency (which i have no idea how they define it). i haven't been able to call or message anyone, or receive anything from anyone. so tell me again how i'm gonna coordinate my schedules. *despair*
i gotta get a new handphone fast.
umm... i think i just remembered something. the choir concert is on wednesday right?!?!?! O.O
great. more stuff to do. oh ya! there's a history test on nationalism on tuesday!! grrr. more work.
okay i think that i might not be having much fun during the holidays after all. oh well, it's my A level year anyway. i'm suppose to sacrifice everything isn't it. oh which includes my birthday, because i have a Gothic paper on 23rd nov. this means that i will be mugging Gothic (the most detested) on my birthday. since even my birthday's gonna be sacrificed, i guess the june holidays is expected to be in the package.
HAIII. *long sigh* it's a tough year.
oh and do you know that it's not safe to keep a public blog anymore? you may get plagiarised, publicized, insulted and blah. then forced to close down your blog. so i think it really helps when you have a low profile like me. at least people won't be that interested in your life or your views, especially when you don't have outstanding literary blogging talent or controversial views.
but sometimes it's still very dangerous to just blog out all your feelings here cuz the whole world will know what you are really like and strangers will start giving you the "oh it's her!" kind of face when you see them in school the next day.
the flaws that comes with technology. privacy is no longer what it was.
i mean, sure there's always the private blog option. but that would make blogging kind of worthless. cuz blogging is one way to express your views. and when you do that you need people to listen (or read). and sometimes you might need some other people to listen to you besides your close friends. keeping everything to yourself is not good for the body either. so blogging provides us with the best way of expressing oneself publicly cuz you don't feel as awkward as you would when you do it face-to-face.
yeah some may think it's an act of cowardice. but that's better than not doing anything about it at all.
okayy why am i suddenly into this topic. made this entire entry so long.
i'm off i'm off.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
9:37 PM
looking.... looking....
currently listening to: Special Happiness [KAT-TUN]
the whole world is studying. the whole world excludes tpjc students.
hmmm. i can't seem to find anyone to go out with. reason? EXAMS.
okay now it really seems like an even more stupid idea to have the common tests before the holidays.
poly students are having exams these few weeks. jc students will be busy mugging for their exams the last few weeks. so this literally means it's hard to go out together as a group. and the conclusion is that i've nobody to go out with right now.
and plus EVERYONE ELSE has watched X-Men III already. yeahhh i feel so outdated. thanks.
ahh... don't carrre. i'm gonna go out even if it means dragging only one of them out.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Saturday, May 27, 2006
11:40 AM
no more mugging. at least for now.
currently listening to: Nothing [Turning In Soon]
hail! the day has finally arrived. today is the day after the last day of exams!!!
*runs around the house excitedly while flinging econs math and cla notes all over the place*
okay i am now in a state of confusion. i have so many things that i want to do during the holidays. i can't seem to put them in order so they are just popping into my mind and floating around somewhere in my head and then reappearing some time later to make me even more confused.
but basically.. i just want to: - slack and stare at the clouds - shop and walk around somewhere anywhere - watch all the dramas that were distracting me when i was trying to mug - read some really good books and mangas - buy lots and lots of stuff - w-inds. my time away - mug when i have the time - drag all my friends out to chill
eh i think these shouldn't be hard to achieve. i hope. i predict the biggest challenge would be the 'mug when i have the time' part. please don't remind me about the literature and history papers after the holidays. ... well, at least don't do it for the first few days please. *begs*
*sigh*
so i finally satisfied my craving and had my fondue with michelle and hazel today. and was so bloated that i could even afford to skip dinner. heh. but ahhh~~~ satisfaction. *burps*
da vinci code was okay but i thought it just wasn't good enough. maybe i expected too much after reading the book. felt that the only things that held on were just the setting and plot itself. okay now to make plans for X-MEN II, Poseidon, and MI3(somehow). look at all the movies i've missed for mugging. *sobx*
hmmm. i've logged on to tpjc.net and checked my hotmail inbox. ... there are so much stuff to do during the holidays. what happened. i thought i'm suppose to mug.
okie wadever. [people will be rolling their eyes at this phrase. hahaha.]
time for exam whines!
Economics: the paper was okay, but i can't say the same for my answers. there's this feeling that i've left something really important out of all the essays, something that determines whether you can score or not. i was so drained after the first 2 essays that i couldn't recall anything for the last question. i stared at the strangely familiar question but i just couldn't remember the points for them so just plucked some random points out of my brain and miraculously compiled them into an essay somehow. my brain was literally overheating.
Chinese A: i'm so totally gonna screw up for this paper. the fact that i totally despise the textbook doesn't really help much either. so i was just crapping away and giving my own ideas in response to the questions, which usually gets me a bad grade so i'm rather sure that i'm doomed for this paper. oh and did i mention my arm nearly came off after the exam? 3 torturous hours of writing one word after another for 5 short-answers and 3 long essays, all of these in a hot and stuffy room that made me sweat like toots. it's almost as bad as a history exam.
General Paper 1: i thought i had it for the first part of the essay and i was taking my time to write it when i realised that i had only 1/2 hour left for my counter-argument so i kind of sped through it. higher speed=lower quality, because xinyi is unable to upgrade her productive capacity, so i'm predicting a 27 for my essay. and that's bad.
General Paper 2: this is worse. the worst paper i've ever sat for. the questions, indirect. the summary, time-consuming. the AQ, bleh. it was about GM food, which i know absolutely nuts about since i was on MC when they had the Sci&Tech lecture. being an arts students does have its disadvantages. i bet the science students were breezing through it while i was panicking and sweating like some sick horse at the corner of the hall. hmphh. everything is gone for GP. and now i'm really worried about the School of Communications course that i'm aiming for in NTU.
Math: the series of exams i had totally wore me out. when it finally came to math, i was having this annoying headache while i was attempting the paper, and it's agonizing because it gets even more painful when you try to solve the stupid math questions. i was so tempted to just lay on the table and sleep when i completed Section A. there were so many sums that i didn't manage to solve. fortunately my brain was functioning better after i completed the Probs and Stats questions, so i managed to figure out most of the questions that i had left blank in Section A. well, at least i think i figured them out. careless mistakes and basic misconceptions are gonna be the killers if i do fail this test.
okay so this is it for the first part of exams. literature and history after the holidays. meanwhile i'm gonna just slack some time away.
and did i mention!!! i completed my othello essay long ago last saturday, and i forgot to bring it to school on friday the due date. now mr reynolds is gonna fly off to UK and leaving my essay behind unmarked. the essay will never get marked even if he returns after the holidays. the essay that i painstakingly worked on till 2am at night. .... *beats chest*slaps self*rolls around the floor in despair* i am really really seriously very sad.
*walks away quietly*
oh and anyway i made a discovery. scientifically proven: i get fatter under stress.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Friday, May 26, 2006
12:26 AM
a break from mugging VI
currently listening to: Nothing [Turning In Soon]
i think that last-minute studying is absolutely necessary. but it's weird when you find yourself suddenly forgetting all the formulas when you have done them with much ease just 2 days ago.
and this makes you panick. like, REALLY panick.
after doing much math at the expense of GP revision (totally), i hereby conclude that i am terrible at math. please don't roll your eyes. i am very demoralised right now. and this means that i shall be having an extremely hard time tomorrow. in a small and enclosed and crowded classroom sumore. grr.
GP is the first thing tomorrow. which i don't think is exactly a very good arrangement cuz... most of us will only be half-awake at 8am in the morning. and how do you produce a decent essay when you can't even keep yourself awake.
and if you've got a constitution like me, you'll most probably find yourself running to the toilets in search of clean toilet seats and fresh supplies of toilet paper in order to rid yourself of your pain. all these while you getting cramps everywhere, and then you'll be developing more cramps after you finish writing your long long long essays.
horrible horrible feeling.
HAIII. *long sigh* it's getting tough.
okay enough crap i should go to sleep. nightmare will be half over by the end of tomorrow. i should rejoice.
at least for a while.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
9:12 PM
a break from mugging V
currently listening to: Far Away [Nickelback]
i can't fume? i can't have a life of my own in my house? i can't express my emotions here?
i'm not even talking to you. i'm not even talking to anybody in fact! i can't even grumble to myself? i can't even get angry silently to myself? what, so somehow my so-called 'aura' spreads around the house? only MY anger 'aura' spreads?
WHAT THE HECK.
can't you just leave me to rot like you always do.
everything is: don't do it. instead of: why are you doing this. it's dictatorial. autocratic. totalitarian. you don't do it their way- off to the execution ground. i don't own my life.
recently for some reason they try to be nice. but it feels awkward. really weird. i wanna breakaway. i keep feeling that they are doing it cuz they want something. and this means that it's too late. i can't relate anymore.
i think she realised. so she's not being so nice anymore.
worse still. someone who doesn't remember my name. someone who takes 5 minutes just to remember my birthdate. someone who hardly talks to me at all. someone who walks over to my brother even though i'm just beside him.
i'm just someone in the house. something who sits at the table and mugs all day. and i wonder why i do it.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Monday, May 22, 2006
10:51 PM
a break from mugging IV
currently listening to: Far Away [Nickelback]
guilt trip. i am feeling so guilty already. my reputation shall be half-gone tomorrow.
but i really need the time... *kneels down for forgiveness*
=(((
mugging mugging mugging. but wait a minute. i'm sure i'm not gonna do well anyway right? there's too little time left anyway. then why do this?
... sheesh. i guess being a guai kia, i just can't let it go. i just can't stand not studying when the exams are near.
even when i know i'll still get the same marks even if i mug my head off.
...... *sobx* i don't want myself to be this way either.
*SIGH*
[edited @ 11.35am]
==>i've just read something and i'm rather impressed. got me thinking. quite alot. everybody is working hard for the CTs. working hard even though they are very busy. no it should be: very busy yet they are working hard. *sense of admiration*
which makes me think. i'm not exactly busy, especially now that thc's off my back. i'm only studying, despite the fact that i have alot of subjects. there are people who have to study and have a load of stuff to attend to as well. for example, students involved in college day/panorama are caught up with their practices amidst the common test period.
but they are doing it. they are not ponning lessons or practices. they are doing them all.
of course there isn't any guarantee that they'll get good results. but they impress me because they are persevering. unlike me, who decided to pon lessons because i can't finish studying for CT.
i'm not busy with anything else at all. things have not been too bad at home. yet. so... i'm ponning lessons because i can't finish studying for CT despite the fact that i've not been busy with anything else.
when i put myself beside these people, i feel so inferior. i was thinking that i could hardly breathe from my tight schedule... but these people have even tighter schedules and they're not dead yet.
still. i know that i really need the time tomorrow. desperately.
i guess it all boils down to attitude and capability. the fact is that... these people can do it, but i cannot do it. and i do feel mediocre.
in terms of mindset and perseverance... they're up there. and i'm down at the bottom.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
1:34 AM
a break from mugging III
currently listening to: Far Away [Nickelback]
okay this can't really be considered 'a break from mugging' anymore cuz i'm gonna fall asleep any moment right now.
oh well. i realised that i'm so not going to make it for the common tests, which explains the late night that i'm having now. i know people will be going, "nah you must be kidding. you can't make it? you mug everyday!"
i've heard this SO many times.
but this is so not true. i think i've said this a dozen times before: completing your homework does not equate to being hardworking. the term 'hardworking' entails so much more than just being able to hand in your assignments on time. and completing my homework is the only thing i've been doing since the new year began (and it's may already). well, other than these 2 weeks of hardcore mugging for the CTs, the only thing i've been doing for the rest of the half year is... schoolwork. *sobx*
so i'm totally unable to catch up with my revision right now. ESPECIALLY FOR CLA, the subject that i've been neglecting for the past one year and a half. bleh. too 'confident' of my chinese results maybe. after taking a good look (finally) at the CLA textbooks today, i have come to the conclusion that the textbooks are rather... useless.
half the book is filled with examples and narrations and quotes. i can hardly find analysis anywhere, especially for the mai mai drama. i can have one whole paragraph with only one line that is not in quotes, and that line is the one that sums all the quotes up. tell me just how am i suppose to analyse. *curses*
and some of the points i can't really agree with them, and others i can't even understand what they are trying to say. they go about narrating and putting words such that they flow fluently, but i can't really see the point that they are trying to make. their analysis is so so very different from english literature. well... they sort of resemble mr reynold's kind of analysis, if you get what i mean.
when i flip over to the model essays, i find the contents of the entire book staring back into my face. it seems like you only have to memorise all four books and then regurgitate them in essay form and tada~ you get the results, which is something i can't really agree with, and this makes me really worried about the CLA standard in tpjc. if you can get >16/20 for an essay by copying all the contents of the textbook, then EVERYONE will be wanting to take CLA cuz EVERY STUDENT in singapore is good at memorizing textbooks. so everyone who takes CLA will be aceing the literature paper at the A levels.
there must be something more than just textbooks. but i don't seem to be getting any of it from tpjc at all. henry low is reading from the textbook during lectures, and the content that we came up with for our student presentations are all copied from the textbooks. EVERYTHING IS FROM THE TEXTBOOK. how can this be?
weird thing is that, when i finally find essays that are truly arguing and analysing the extract instead of just copying the textbook, they are always graded below 14 marks. and this makes me really really worried.
but maybe that's an exaggeration since the only CLA extract that i managed to scrutinize today is the mai mai drama. god. i haven't touched any of the other extracts. i'm so not gonna make it for the CT.
the even more disturbing thing is, i flipped over to the back of the textbook and found this note from the writers that gave the idea that they were in a hurry to publish the book so they lumped whatever they could find to produce it asap... so they apologise for any haphazardness or mistakes made.
... like that is so comforting.
oh well. 1/2 hour ago i decided that i shouldn't be pushing myself so hard anymore since there is only 3 days left. i will do whatever i can to catch up still, of course, but no more late nights like this cuz it's not gonna give me a miracle within 3 days anyway. whatever i can absorb, i'll absorb. and if i flunk the CTs, that might make me work harder for the A levels. i hope.
we all gotta learn how to fall someday.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Saturday, May 20, 2006
10:22 PM
a break from mugging II
currently listening to: Far Away [Nickelback]
just keep mugging. just keep mugging.
but gosh this song is really so very very nice ne! Far Away Nickelback
This time, This place Misused, Mistakes Too long, Too late Who was I to make you wait Just one chance Just one breath Just in case there's just one left 'Cause you know, you know, you know
That I love you I have loved you all along And I miss you Been far away for far too long I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask Last chance for one last dance 'Cause with you, I'd withstand All of hell to hold your hand I'd give it all I'd give for us Give anything but I won't give up 'Cause you know, you know, you know
That I love you I have loved you all along And I miss you Been far away for far too long I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore
So far away (So far away) Been far away for far too long So far away (So far away) Been far away for far too long But you know, you know, you know
I wanted I wanted you to stay 'Cause I needed I need to hear you say I love you I have loved you all along And I forgive you For being away for far too long So keep breathing 'Cause I'm not leaving you any more Believe it Hold on to me and never let me go Keep breathing, 'cause i'm not leaving you any more Believe it Hold on to me and never let me go Keep breathing Hold on to me and never let me go Keep breathing Hold on to me and never let me go
*sobx* touching. and the MV's touching too.
seem to have taken a new interest in nickelback. and their 'Savin' Me' MV is so disturbing!!! *shudders*
it's about this guy who was saved from a speeding bus by a rugged-looking man, and after that the guy was able to see everyone's lifespan (a sort of timer) above their heads... counting down by the second. he felt scared. he walked along the streets and saw this granny being pushed into the ambulance with her timer counting down 10 seconds... and then she died. traumatised. he looked into the mirror and realised that he was the only one without the lifespan above his head, which probably means that he was gonna live forever or something and witness all the people around him dying. even more traumatised. he walks on further and he saw this lady who only had just 5 seconds of her life left, and he quickly pulled her back away from her car just before it was smashed by the falling dunnowhatyoucallit. he quickly walks away before turning back to look at the lady. he couldn't see her lifespan, or anyone else's lifespan anymore. instead, the lady suddenly realised that she could see the timer counting down above everyone's heads... including the guy who looked back at her. and all the time nickelback kept blasting the lyrics: "say it if it's worth saving me...."
huah.... impressed.
okay back to mugging. i'm so sure that i'm so gonna die for the common test.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Friday, May 19, 2006
6:22 PM
a break from mugging
currently listening to: Catch Your Wave[The Click Five]
HAIIII. *long sigh* can't forget. can't ignore. just can't. yet.
macey mugs in the library even though it's his lunchtime. macey is not very good at badminton. macey has recently changed his normal route to the courtyard for assembly. macey is now a 3-subber cuz he dropped a subject. macey seems to have a change in his clique recently. macey took part in an event during seasports. macey has a shoebag O.O macey seldom comes to school at around 7.10am, unlike last year. macey has a class that is rather united. macey has a very low profile. like duh. macey rarely stays back in school. macey heads straight for the bus-stop after his lessons. macey likes to sit on the railing when he is waiting for his bus. macey tucks his shirt out when he is out of school. macey seems a little little stressed up recently.
so many more. haiyarr. what's with me. didn't i say to ignore. grrr. such a short period only and so many things went into my head. all these when i'm suppose to ignore. i need time i need time. and after this entry i'm gonna need so much more time. -__________-
*i didn't stalk if that's what you think i'm doing. i just happen to notice and took note. i'm not a crazy extreme unwanted despo ya. :|
okay i should be mugging my head off now.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Monday, May 15, 2006
10:32 PM
bad day.
currently listening to: Bad Day [Daniel Powter]
Where is the moment we needed the most You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost They tell me your blue skies fade to grey They tell me your passion's gone away And I don't need no carryin' on
You stand in the line just to hit a new low You're faking a smile with the coffee to go You tell me your life's been way off line You're falling to pieces everytime And I don't need no carryin' on
Cause you had a bad day You're taking one down You sing a sad song just to turn it around You say you don't know You tell me don't lie You work at a smile and you go for a ride You had a bad day The camera don't lie You're coming back down and you really don't mind You had a bad day You had a bad day
Well you need a blue sky holiday The point is they laugh at what you say And I don't need no carryin' on
You had a bad day You're taking one down You sing a sad song just to turn it around You say you don't know You tell me don't lie You work at a smile and you go for a ride You had a bad day The camera don't lie You're coming back down and you really don't mind You had a bad day
(Oh.. Holiday..)
Sometimes the system goes on the blink And the whole thing turns out wrong You might not make it back and you know That you could be well oh that strong And I'm not wrong
So where is the passion when you need it the most Oh you and I You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
Cause you had a bad day You're taking one down You sing a sad song just to turn it around You say you don't know You tell me don't lie You work at a smile and you go for a ride You had a bad day You've seen what you like And how does it feel for one more time You had a bad day You had a bad day
Had a bad day
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Sunday, May 14, 2006
11:26 PM
i'm going on strike.
currently listening to: Back at One [w-inds.]
before i start.. a bit of singlish...
i dun have so many GP model essays and outlines lar. evil people... must make me waste money go photocopy. bo luei lar. *scowls*
okay i have been trying hard to complete whatever homework i have for the weekend, and this is ALOT of homework that i am talking about. sadly, i still have this agonizing Lit PC drama extract to analyse and it will probably take me forever to do it. this makes me wonder why am i putting in so much effort for literature when i have already decided to give it up in the first place.
the initial plan was to just do the literature homework and whatever i get from there is IT-- it's whatever that i'm gonna be producing on my 'A' level lit paper. i didn't intend to STUDY or MUG for it at all-- just to finish the homework to keep out of trouble. and guess what? they're piling so much lit homework on us that i barely have time to complete them, much less to spend time mugging for my other subjects. *poof* my plan has backfired. every single week i am squeezing my brain dry and trying to come up with clever points and analysis so that i won't feel like such in idiot in Ms Lam's class... and after that i'm too tired to do anything else.
and the worst thing is, i NEVER end up with 'clever points and analysis'. headaches are the only stuff i'm getting out of literature. take the 'Tree of Man' essay for example-- slogging and discussing and thinking for FIVE whole days and i end up getting a pathetic 25/50.
literature is sucking my blood.
and i have done nothing, i repeat, I HAVE DONE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for CLA and GP and MATH. i'm spending so much time struggling with economics and literature homework that i have no time at all for revision. it's worse when Mr Gay is suddenly piling so many history essay outlines on us recently. hello? i'm like working on the wrong stuff? my CLA and GP and math and econs papers are just one week away ya??
i repeat, IT'S CLA AND GP AND MATH AND ECONS. I AM OVERLOADED.
and i'm doing history and literature outlines now?? *rolls eyes*
i have decided to go on a strike.
well, at least i think i've completed all the homework they gave over the weekend (other than that *urgh* lit extract), and hopefully there won't be more coming in cuz i am NOT GONNA TOUCH HOMEWORK ANYMORE. it's revision time.
i only have one week left.
recently, i realised that time is getting to be very very precious nowadays. i've tried it many many times. one fine day i'll be thinking to myself: okay i'm just gonna sleep for 1 hour and then i'll continue with my work. so happily i go to sleep, but when i get back after 1 hour (which is a miracle), i am TOTALLY unable to finish the work that i could have finished if i hadn't slept that 1 hour away.
imagine! just 1 hour!
and this is exactly what is happening now because 1 hour ago i was telling myself that i will get back to the Lit extract after i blog but it's 12am now and i'm too exhausted to do anything else. so the lit pc extract will most probably be untouched even after i log off from the net.
okay a pesky cockroach just flew across the computer.
... okay i am back from the room and the cockroach has been murdered by my maid. i wanted to carry on with my rants... but the cockroach has succeeded in its dying attempt to stop my complaints.
oh one more thing, deborah and hairianto and alton and i have just decided to give the minidragonboat event a miss. as if this should be of any surprise. heh.
logging off.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
5:36 PM
w-inds. TRIAL PV!!!
currently listening to: TRIAL [w-inds.]
AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! *can't stop screaming*
the PV's finally out!!! shots of the movie GOAL in it~ keita looks really good ne!!! *faints*
i admit that the dance is a teeny weeny weird. i admit that there are lots of scenes of keita close up. i admit that there seems to be some biasness at work. BUT I LIKE.
=)))
i was so touched after watching it. and i think there's gonna be a second version!! TRIAL is also the theme song for the movie GOAL! i so so so regret not watching that movie okays. love w-inds. *beams to self*
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
12:08 AM
no more
currently listening to: At The End of The Day [Fujita Emi]
okay i am officially down and out. i don't want this anymore. it's making me go nuts and for nothing. it's sad but i really don't want this anymore. if only there was something, but there is nothing. i'm only stupidly being dumb and thinking that the whole world doesn't know. and i end up getting emotional upheavals for nothing. absolutely nothing. it's just a delusion. i can't stand it. i should grow up.
goodbye. it was nice while it lasted.
okay now how am i gonna tackle my schoolwork.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
10:33 AM
before i even knew where i was.
currently listening to: At The End of The Day [Fujita Emi]
there was lotsa stuff. no i mean there was quite alot of stuff. okayy there was only some stuff. but every one of them i remember.
how it was this close. how it was that far. how it always ended up further when it came close. and how it used to be so close a long time ago.
everyday was something to look forward to. everyday was a heart-stirring experience. everyday was also a disappointment. but sometimes you lifted me up... and i soared high.
- top of the world.-
i never felt the way i felt. never ever before.
but i haven't soared at all recently. maybe it's the distance.
i didn't want anything. i wanted to just stand there forever. but i realised it's impossible to.
you'll move further and further away. and i'm left standing there. doing stuff... that i'll never do. and then i'll hate myself for them.
i can feel it. i do feel it. i think i have to move on.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Monday, May 08, 2006
8:26 PM
-thinking-
currently listening to: Tokyo Lovers [Fujita Emi]
today. i know it's just me but... i'm rather disheartened. disppointed... with myself as well. i expected more than just this.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Friday, May 05, 2006
9:51 PM
b...-lah.
currently listening to: Nothing [I Need Peace and Quiet]
wabababababa. my legs hurt. and i can't start on my history essay.
wabababababababbaa... *chants*
[added] what the hell am i doing this for. i'm hot. i'm irritated. i'm damn tired. my legs hurt like toot. and i'm trying to make myself look dumb?
forget it. i'm going to sleep.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Thursday, May 04, 2006
6:58 PM
what is wrong with me.
currently listening to: Nothing [I Need Peace and Quiet]
dang. as expected. macey. i couldn't concentrate at all. what's wrong with me.
can't i just ignore. i didn't even see him for a matter of fact. i just knew that he's there and that was enough to make me lose it. and my phone rang halfway during the test! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. if this goes on for A levels i'm so dead. i need a better immune system.
there goes my GP essay... *sobx*
today is such a -*wipes sweat off eyebrows*- day. it was so heavy!! both curriculum and non-curriculum. so much stuff in my mind right now.
more importantly, i'm kinda disillusioned today. i don't know what to say.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
5:01 PM
crap day
currently listening to: The Day [K]
crap day. i think i'm blogging alot recently. fluctuations in my mood.
this post.. lots of rants. lots of toots-ing about people and stuff. i hope you don't mind. just don't continue reading.
i can't stand it anymore. i hate being ignored intentionally. once, twice, thrice.... okay. but don't push your luck.
i miss haising terribly. haising is like... such a protected place, sealed away from all the negative externalities of the outside world. you just feel that you fit right into the wherever it is inside. of course there are mundane grumbles and problems here and there but you'll never feel like you hate that place and can't wait to step out of it. even after lessons, after school.. hanging around in school is so normal. going to school is such a happy thing because you know that the day will be a great one with all these people around you. yet now i can't wait to step out of tpjc.
the people in haising are.. well i don't exactly know the words to describe them, but i would say we lead a very 'innocent' life in haising. there isn't much quarrels, backstabbing, bullying etc etc. we seem so perfectly happy with one another in there, where there would be people who understand and connect with you, seek solace with you when you feel like it's the end of the world. somehow, there is this thing there, this thing that we can all identify ourselves by.
and so when we step out of haising... well, at least for me, i've been frowning and frowning more often than i have ever done before. i witness things that never occurred in haising before, i hear things that i never thought could happen. and more importantly, i feel things that i have never felt before. it used to be loneliness in acjc, but now in tpjc it's more than that.
in acjc, i felt lonely because there wasn't anyone from haising, everybody was from outside haising, so suddenly i am exposed to so much stuff that i initially had problems coping with. the feeling came and went when i could finally adapt, but i had already chosen to leave that place then. so i stepped into tpjc, and i thought i found the familiar 'haising' feeling once again since there were so many people that i could identify myself with. but we are all dispersed and this means getting new friends and new cliques again. yet that feeling is never there, the feeling that everything is going well, the feeling that it is so great to just be in school... nothing like that in jc.
and i don't think it has anything to do with stress. stress is undoubtedly a factor that is constantly bugging our present lives, but it's not the main problem that makes school unbearable. it's the place, the surroundings and sometimes the people in it that makes school such a repulsive thought. it is very different. if we try, we could adapt, but the feeling can never be the same because jc and haising... they are very different.
and it's the thought that i can never recover this feeling anymore that saddens me. i recall the very last day that i could still be considered a haisian, the last day that i'm fooling around in school with the gang... and the immense sadness that came along with the thought of the word 'last'... it is still with me. you're right, we can always hang out together again, but that's when our hearts and souls are all so worn out, when all of us have changed from our sudden exposure to the 'outside' world, when we have so much to tell one another that we find it so hard to put them into words. and even when we meet, we're lamenting over the loss of that particular thing we once possessed in haising and feeling the heartache together. does that make it any better? does it change the basics? can that bring back the thing we once had?
in such moments i can only feel helpless about this situation we're trapped in.
i miss those days. more than you can ever imagine.
okay enough. let's talk about today.
i got back my econs test today. as expected, i screwed up my econs mcq. my essay was an okay but i am still very much disappointed with it. i shall repeat this once more... I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED.
*depression*
i came back home from an interact meeting. i'm very sorry to whichever interactor who reads this but, it was a waste of my time. i can't help feeling this.
i used to think that mentoring is the pits because it took away my time for interact meetings. i mean, i've only been to less than 5 interact meetings the whole of last year because of mentoring, so i was grumbling about being more of a 'true hearts mentor' rather than an 'interactor' since i'm spending so much more time on mentoring. i was so happy that i could finally step down from mentoring cuz i thought it would finally mean more free time and interact meetings for me.
but now that i am completely relieved of my mentoring duties, i think i would be better off with them rather than going for interact meetings. at least mentoring was fruitful and i did loads of stuff in that short period of 2 hours. but now in interact meetings i find myself just wandering about the room and wondering what the hell the others are doing and when i ask, they either give me a blank face or the expression that seems to say, "what you mean you dunno? can you stop asking." worse still, the interact meetings this year are centered upon the JC1s, and so the JC2 interactors who went for the meeting seem so displaced and 'there for the sake of being there'.
i mean, i don't mind working on projects with the JC1s, but more often than not i find myself just sitting there and chatting crap. like today we were told to split into groups to discuss stuff, so i decided to be more proactive and wanted to intitiate the discussion so we could get the ball rolling. suddenly emu told me, "but we were not told what to discuss right?" and it was true. we asked and waited... and then we were only told what to do at the very end of the entire interact meeting when everyone was already heading for the door.
so what was i doing the whole time at the meeting? *tries to recall*
playing with my fingers. fiddling with the interact photobook. trying to twist my head so i could see jf's cb. messaging jf about cb. chatting with vanessa and emu.
i don't know but it seems like i've been wasting my time isn't it? i'm not saying that anyone should be at fault but yeah, somehow this happens. the same amount of time could have been spent in trying to understand more about my mentees if i was still mentoring. or it could have been spent on useful revision which i so badly need now. i can't understand why i was so insistent about going for interact meetings. i even dragged minghui clarrissa zubaidah and xiuyu along, and i feel so guilty about it cuz they were rotting there along with me. i didn't have the heart to leave because it is my responsibility as in interactor to turn up for meetings, but i seem to be just wasting my time there.
like i was telling pipi today, jc students shouldn't do everything that they are suppose to do because that's being stupid. for example, it's not smart to complete all your homework if it is at the expense of a test the next day or simply fruitful revision that is so neccessary if you are to do well in the end. it's the same for everything else. a stubborn sense of responsibility is not gonna get you anywhere other than the reputation of being a guaiguai student, and you really don't want that. take it from me.
argh. i feel so rotten. complaining and tooting away about stuff. seems to be happening so often nowadays. and such entries make me feel so mediocre.
bleh. logging off for alvernia.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
11:38 PM
back from alvernia
currently listening to: Trial [w-inds.]
totally exhausted. i didn't manage to do my history outline! i didn't manage to do any work as a matter of fact. and now it's almost 12am. i don't think i can work on an history essay with my state of mind right now. i'll end up writing crap.
umm.. i finally did my econs mcq test today. i'm pretty sure that i'll flunk it cuz there wasn't any studying at all. whatever i did was based on fragments that i remembered from revision for the previous econs essay test. and apparently from today's experience i can assure you that i don't have a good memory.
and something really grrrr happened today. we were suppose to come up with some 'moral story' thingy for CLA. kind of like the story about the hare and the tortoise racing against each other and the tortoise won because the hare was much too over-confident. so we were suppose to come up with a story along these lines; a story with a moral behind it. and i really thought our group did a nice one with our banana and the skin story. but he rejected it outright!! i mean, it was much much better than his 鸡吃狗屎爬更高 story. and i read the banana and the skin story somewhere before! it's legitimate okay! and he's telling me it's crap??
*clenches fist*
i just logged on to tpjc.net. NAPFA IS NEXT WEEEK!!!! *shrieks* how can it be so soon?? i haven't been doing any training at all. cutting slacks during PE didn't really help much. i can't run for nuts. i cannot jump far enough to reach a C. i cannot pull my butt high enough for my chin to touch the bar. i don't think i can shuttle-run in 13 seconds even. how to pass napfa liddat?!
maybe i'll just go down to the park everyday to catch up. i mean there's only 5 days left. i'm gonna do whatever i can to build myself up. i just hope that my determination pulls through. i'm not known for having a high level of perseverance you know.
okay times like this i wish i have a permanent MC.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Monday, May 01, 2006
1:47 AM
!!!!
currently listening to: Trial [w-inds.]
GOD I MUST BE DREAMING. w-inds. 19th single-- TRIAL!!! out on 24 may!!
i have the radio version!!! it's.... heaven's gift for suffering two days of running to the toilet!!
IT'S SO NICE!!!! *squeals*
to think i didn't know that they are gonna come up with another single so fast. call myself a w-inds. fan. *slaps myself*
*pinches self to double check*
okay i can't sleep anymore. ^^ ~~~~~
and also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICHELLE!! *hugs and hugs*
today is starting out to be a decent day after all~~ =))
