a rojak of stuff.

currently listening to: 独唱情歌 [TANK and Selina]

okay i am here to report my pee-darberliew results.
BAND 2.

ehh... i am quite satisfied with my results actually.
cuz this was what i had expected, and nothing more than that had ever crossed my mind before.
somehow i knew it would be lah.. due to various factors. ahem.
yep so i am satisfied. so are my PW mates.
my whole group scored band 2!!
GREAT JOB PPL!!! IT'S FINALLY OVER FOR US!!!
*jumps around*

BUT!!
the rest of the college population was not happy at all:
30 ppl: band 1.
48-50%: band 2
51~52%: band 3
4 ppl: band 4

umm.. and this is compared to:
SRJC: 86.1% band 1 & 2
MJC: 95% band 1 & 2 (*curses*)
TJC: 99.1% band 1 & 2

TPJC is offically going downhill man.

as if this should be of any surprise.
what i heard was that the tpjc teachers came down real hard on the marking this year.
expected the moderators to mark it up.
but moderators marked them even further down instead.
so ta~da~ our crappy results.

you can guess the commotion over PW right now.
the entire cohort is reacting to it.

i don't really think there is is really a VERY SIGNIFICANT difference in the quality of our projects as compared to the other JCs.
it's perfectly normal to me if the other JCs come up with more band 1s than us.
but our percentage of people with band 2 is way too low.
we can't be that bad.
i am positive about this.

okay enough of PW.

we had a 05A02 class outing yesterday.
to celebrate yazzie and hairianto's birthday.
it was an experience i would say.
since i'd never been to much outings with A02 before.
and this was a trip to lau pa sat and the esplanade, which is really rather different from where i usually hang out. different feel too.

but it was rather fun nonetheless.
especially since it was at night.
and as 05A02 we took care to be as spastic as possible.
okay it wasn't deliberate, it's innate.

so we took lots of satays and photos, made lots of funny comments and did lots of funny stuff.
come to think of it, we didn't really do much in terms of activities.
it was those little little stuff that we did on the way that made this outing much more fun than it would be.
like playing some blacksheepwhitesheep game at the riverside.
-____-"

oh and yesterday too, regina came over to study.
it was a REALLY UNPRODUCTIVE session in terms of the amount of homework we managed to conquer.
but it was one of the most meaningful sessions we'd ever had in years.

it was more than jokes and lame comments this time, and more of relating our experiences in the new environment, the problems we had with the people we met etc.
heh. not 8 years of friendship for nothing eh.
*pats regina on the back*
life is really hard.
it's even harder when you are nice.

and i sort of confirmed the fact that there is really change in me.
in terms of 'being nice', i'm not so nice anymore.
i'm not 'so nice' to the extent that i just take it when people step on my toes.
not anymore.
i retaliate now.

i'm beginning to find things that i really dislike.
like people telling me to buck up, or people questioning me about my effort.
worse when people try to tell me what to do.
i HATE it when people do that.

it's like they're saying that i've not been trying, that i've not been doing work, that i've not been putting in any effort.
which is so totally untrue.
and this issue is very sensitive to me because i put in effort and work for every single achievement that i have now.
i'm not naturally smart you know. not like my brother.
i think the way i think now because i worked for it.
and now you are telling me to buck up?
how wrong is that?
just because i get occassionally diverted?
just because you don't see me working?
suddenly i can understand how a friend of mine feels.

and i get really confused and misunderstood sometimes.
when i'm happy, people claim that i am sad.
when i'm sad, people think that i am happy (which is worse).
when i wanna say or do something, people think i won't bother to, or think that i won't be able to.
when i don't wanna say or do something, people assume that i will definitely say or do something.
and these things happen all the time.

i don't know.
people takes things from the surface it seems.
i thought we were taught to not judge stuff by their covers, but people surprise me with the way they think sometimes.
everything has another side, and that side is most prolly THE true side.
bottom line is?
you gotta be really outward with your feelings in this society.
otherwise people will just take you from what you appear to be.

then again!
this leads to conflicts.
and then like me, you are not 'so nice' anymore.
but what can you do?
continue being misunderstood?
doing stuff you don't wanna do?

we all know what this leads to.
we see it in the gothic novels all the time.

... see?
the sense of irritation and impatience in me is slowly building up.
and you may add in the word 'again' if you want since i do recall a period where i really scared my friends with it.

and come to think of it, if there is anybody who is willing to listen to my problems right now, it would be this bunch of friends of mine.
it's like... whenever i just casually remark that school is stressful, with no intention to continue at all, they'll just prompt me to go on and pour my troubles out to them.
some even allow me to complain to them first when i know that they've got pretty taxing problems too.
they'll always be willing to listen, and this always makes me wanna cry because i haven't been 'listened to' for a very long time.
ever since i came to JC.

it's different here because whenever i try to start complaining, people would indirectly tell me to 'stop it' because they apparently have bigger problems than me.
or they'll just disregard whatever i said and start talking about their own problems.
then it becomes like a 'competition' to see who has the 'biggest complaints'.
i don't blame them since i know that it is absolutely normal to want to complain during this period of time.

but this is exactly why i am so grateful that i have friends who are always there.
they'll be listening, i know it.
but sometimes i don't wanna talk.
not because i don't wanna talk to them, just that i can't bring myself to.
i might just break down if i start complaining at length.
many times it nearly happened, then i'll go quiet because i don't wanna cry.
i guess i still have this stubborn sense of pride in me even when i'm with my close friends.

but the fact that you guys will want to listen... i'm comforted.
i really am.

okayy. i'm nearly crying again.

still.. whatever.
this is life.
and life is like that.
life is hard.
it doesn't take a 60+-year-old to know this.

okay returning to my econs.
seriously!
a math and a econs test on the same day??
trying to kill ar?
how to study for common test liddat!?!?
*fumes*

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。