confessions

currently listening to: The Fan [And Nothing Else]

i know that i have a Lit essay due this week.
i know that i have a History essay outline that is due tmr.
i know that the Chinese Paper is just next week.
i know that the GP, Econs and Math paper are only a month away.

but for today...

I AM NOT GONNA DO ANY WORK.

fatigue lah i tell you.
if i don't return to my preferred lifestyle of staring at the clouds and thinking crap, i'll most probably go mad.
just today. i need today.

it's kinda sad that i realised this only at 11.30pm at night though.
that means i have technically only 1/2 hour left of today.

i was trying to start on the Lit essay when i got home from mentoring.
struggled, and then decided to catch a nap so tada~ the work is not done.
not that there isn't anymore time to complete the work since i can mug into the night if it calls for it.
but it just occurred to me that....
maybe i shouldn't do work today.

there is some sense of guilt but...

strangely, there is bliss.

god i think i'm turning gothic.
there will be a price to pay though.
i'm so gonna feel the consequences tomorrow.
i will be trying to rush through the work and then producing crap quality stuff.
i will be very very frustrated tmr.

still... i know i need today.
just today.
for me to unwind.

it's it . yet another case in the family.
they weren't kidding when they said that one in every 3 Singaporeans will get it .
it's sudden, like it always was.
i don't wanna lose anyone to it again.
i seriously can't think what will happen to the family if it is really bad.
thinking about the way i've been treating her, i know i won't ever forgive myself if anything bad happens.

she's been in my life ever since i was born.
occassionally i think of times that might come where she'll no longer be in my life anymore.
and then when my imagination runs wild, i get into quite a bad shape.
it has already taken him away from my life.
why can't it just leave my family alone?

i have the feeling that things will be changing very rapidly.
very soon, my life won't be the same anymore.
just when we were almost recovering from our grief over losing him to it.
please please please don't let it happen.
i will pray if it is what it takes.
i will believe anything.

so... in case my present life's gonna disappear soon.
in case there is bigger and sadder problems coming my way.
i need today.
just today.
in case i'll never have a chance to do this again.

so so so.
today i shall rot.
i wished i had more time, since it's already 12.05am already.
but i shall continue rotting before i sleep.

wish me luck for tmr.
i hope i don't get too cranky.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。