*runs back from the toilet*

currently listening to: Perhaps Love [J & Howl]

ahh.. head hurts.
stomach hurts a little.
arms hurt a little too.

okay why does this sound like i'm so fragile.
cancel cancel.

and thanks people for being so concerned.
i'm better now =))
and thanks to jingfang for handling all the lit rep stuff.
lifesaver!!
cuz i totally forgot about the gothic assignment i was suppose to collect.
heh.

events~
toilet. doctor. MCs. CLA common test. tpjc runway. hospital. teochew restaurant. grandmother. kinokuniya. manga. downloads. trying to work out the gothic essay.

now i am stuck at 'trying to work out the gothic essay'.
tring to work it out till my head hurts.
bah.

so...
after two days of missing lessons.
people would think that i will start missing school or something.
well, they are so wrong. heh.

but there is some stuff that i have missed.
like.. *ahem*, going to the hall after math lectures.

but i think after 3 days of slacking.
i sort of lost my momentum.
i keep wanting to sleep.
and i don't wanna go to school!!

this is bad.

oh and i went for tpjc runway!
i sort of forgot about it actually.
since i was so terribly sick at home yeah.
it was only when i turned up for the CLA common test that i remembered.
and went for it still.
luckily my stomach didn't complain much.

lynette was great ne!
her design was really nice too.
looks like some kinda wedding bridesmaid gown.
so lynette-ish ne.
*clap*clap*clap*

BUT.
i almost went deaf in the audi.
deborah and jingfang were literally holding on to each other.
wahahaa.
okay why do i still have this ringing in my ears.

anyway something really funny happened today.
at the restaurant with my grandmother.
we were in this room full of mirrors.
grandmother points at my reflection on the door (a mirror)
and exclaims:
"wah that girl looks alot like meimei leh!"
[meimei being my name at home]

..........
*laugh our heads off*

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

9:30 PM

randoms

currently listening to: I Think I [Fullhouse]

random stuff?

+ my mickey mouse watch is going bonkers. it's a very important gift. *sobx*
+ my mother bought itazura no kiss (taiwan version).
+ i realise i have a ton of jdoramas and animes that i want to watch.
+ michelle is a very good pal.
+ korean songs aren't all so bad after all.
+ there is no conversation at all these few days.
+ jingfang and cb are really sweet.
+ i've missed two tests and two lectures.
+ i've been missing PE lessons for quite a while already.
+ napfa is in may.
+ i can go to lalaland by shutting my eyes for 5 minutes.
+ i sleep with my eyes half-shut.
+ goldi and ziwei are very good models on stage.
+ i have been trying to avoid eye contact.
+ i have been missing interact meetings.
+ i have a very hyperactive and enthusiastic mentee afifah.
+ some guys just make me wanna roll my eyes and wave my fist.
+ i haven't receive THC mails for two weeks and this is a record.
+ somehow i find myself thinking of hippos when i am in pain.
+ my house is infested with lizards.
+ some lizards are so bold they crawl on the floor when we walk pass.
+ i like egg tarts all of a sudden.
+ tuition is 4pm tomorrow.
+ i suddenly like jolin cai's songs.
+ w-inds. is my life.
+ w-inds. have been here for 5 years.
+ i dunno if the class is going kayaking on monday.
+ i haven't confirmed with tingxu about monday.
+ i want to go out with the gang on monday.
+ i want to read romance novels all of a sudden.
+ i think my primary school friend broke up with his girlfriend.
+ one of my previous blog entry was a misperception.
+ i am still macified so i don't feel anything.
+ there is six more months left.
+ i don't think i am going to do anything ever.
+ my jap-malay friend is really pretty.
+ i want to get back into the mood of mugging.
+ it's 12.20am.
+ i haven't done my gothic essay.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Thursday, April 27, 2006

12:07 PM

*runs back to the toilet*

currently listening to: Silence [In the Living Room]

stomach something wrong!
i'm throwing up whatever i eat.
and i'm excreting at a rate of like... 1 time every 3 hours?
so strictly speaking nothing has stayed in my stomach for more than 3 hours.

so i was loitering at pratta shop this morning, deciding whether to come to school or not.
since there's an ECONS TEST and i had to FACILITATE MS LAM'S LIT LESSON.
the former i'm not so worried, but the latter keeps bugging me.
i mean, i'm suppose to be the Lit rep.
it would kinda reflect my sense of irresponsibility if i didn't turn up for the lesson right.
even if i have a valid excuse.

*imagines ms lam's annoyed face*
*shudders*

but then a sudden wave of nausea came over me again.
(huah like i pregnant liddat hor)
bobian, father drove me straight home.
along the way i messaged huiyi and jiepi.
then typed a super long message to huichun and jingfang to ask them to help me facilitate the lesson instead.
so all the way home i was like juggling with a plastic bag and a handphone.

*prays that the lesson will go on well*
*prays that the class will do whatever that is required*
*prays that ms lam won't be too annoyed*

*pray*pray*pray*

okay i'm hungry now.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

10:53 PM

O.O

currently listening to: One More Moment [Ronin]

gosh.
i can't believe i'm thinking of this.
i can't believe i'm feeling this way!
oh no. what's happening ar?
why only now?

but the thought about tomorrow is comforting.
i just hope i won't be disappointed.

okay something is seriously wrong.
this can not be. cannot ever be.

*chants to myself*

oh and sidetracking,
guys, if you are reading my blog, i don't think i can make it on May 1 cuz the class's gonna have seasports carnival tranining on that day i think. *sobx* will confirm with tingx again yepp.

*sigh*

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Sunday, April 23, 2006

12:02 PM

something struck.

currently listening to: One More Moment [Ronin]

when i'm here like this.
i tried but i couldn't find.
i couldn't find you.

i couldn't see you.
i couldn't hear you.
i couldn't feel you.

anymore.

it was all in my head.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Friday, April 21, 2006

7:30 PM

tolerance makes a man.

currently listening to: The Fan [Again]

fluctuating emotions.
learn to control.
it's not only you.
i felt like running to them.
but i can't expect them to be there all the time.

... still i really wanted to see them then.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

11:35 PM

confessions

currently listening to: The Fan [And Nothing Else]

i know that i have a Lit essay due this week.
i know that i have a History essay outline that is due tmr.
i know that the Chinese Paper is just next week.
i know that the GP, Econs and Math paper are only a month away.

but for today...

I AM NOT GONNA DO ANY WORK.

fatigue lah i tell you.
if i don't return to my preferred lifestyle of staring at the clouds and thinking crap, i'll most probably go mad.
just today. i need today.

it's kinda sad that i realised this only at 11.30pm at night though.
that means i have technically only 1/2 hour left of today.

i was trying to start on the Lit essay when i got home from mentoring.
struggled, and then decided to catch a nap so tada~ the work is not done.
not that there isn't anymore time to complete the work since i can mug into the night if it calls for it.
but it just occurred to me that....
maybe i shouldn't do work today.

there is some sense of guilt but...

strangely, there is bliss.

god i think i'm turning gothic.
there will be a price to pay though.
i'm so gonna feel the consequences tomorrow.
i will be trying to rush through the work and then producing crap quality stuff.
i will be very very frustrated tmr.

still... i know i need today.
just today.
for me to unwind.

it's it . yet another case in the family.
they weren't kidding when they said that one in every 3 Singaporeans will get it .
it's sudden, like it always was.
i don't wanna lose anyone to it again.
i seriously can't think what will happen to the family if it is really bad.
thinking about the way i've been treating her, i know i won't ever forgive myself if anything bad happens.

she's been in my life ever since i was born.
occassionally i think of times that might come where she'll no longer be in my life anymore.
and then when my imagination runs wild, i get into quite a bad shape.
it has already taken him away from my life.
why can't it just leave my family alone?

i have the feeling that things will be changing very rapidly.
very soon, my life won't be the same anymore.
just when we were almost recovering from our grief over losing him to it.
please please please don't let it happen.
i will pray if it is what it takes.
i will believe anything.

so... in case my present life's gonna disappear soon.
in case there is bigger and sadder problems coming my way.
i need today.
just today.
in case i'll never have a chance to do this again.

so so so.
today i shall rot.
i wished i had more time, since it's already 12.05am already.
but i shall continue rotting before i sleep.

wish me luck for tmr.
i hope i don't get too cranky.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

7:00 AM

out of my life

currently listening to: The Fan [And Nothing Else]

so today marks the official end of my mentoring 'career'.
i no longer have to go for mentoring!!
like FINALLY! i am a retiree!!!
it feels good to entrust the duties to the next generation.
heh.

but there are some loose ends here and there that i still have to tie up.
like calculating the senior mentor's CIP hours, confirming the attendance of the junior mentors and mentees for Hearts Out, showing the new MCs the ropes, making sure the senior mentors turn up for AC etc etc etc.
since i started with the events, i have to finish them up before i leave.
this means that i'll most probably have to be bugged by THC stuff for at least another 2 months.
but definitely on a smaller scale.
i'm still happy that there's finally an official end at least.
and it's all gonna be over for me soon =))

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Monday, April 17, 2006

12:35 AM

TOOTS.

currently listening to: The Fan [Irritating the Toots Out Of Me]

caution: this entry is extremely toot-sified.

WHAT THE TOOTS.

i was definitely out of my toot mind to agree to being placed in the THC scheme.
i was even more out of my toot mind to agree to being the MC.

hey mister, providing transport for the mentees is the the basics okays.
how can you just cancel it and still expect wonderful attendance??
PRSS is at the other end of Singapore okay!?
and I KNOW BROADRICK is in the east too, BUT IS IT AS EAST AS PRSS???
how can you expect mentees to turn up at some faraway wulu school if you don't provide them with transport there??
as if you dunno we are the most unmotivated school in thc.
and it's already bad enough that you don't have transport back, now you're gonna cancel the transport THERE as well???

what's more, these are NEW mentees, completely new and only been to ONE MENTORING SESSION so HOW THE TOOTS do you expect them to feel motivated to turn up for some stupid event that is a hundred miles away from their homes??

and what a nice first impression you are making to them.

and then he gave me some crap sarcastic answer:
"it shouldn't be a problem you you can market the idea well :))"
i shot back politely:
"Okay. tho i don't think my 'marketing' will help much but i will try my best to."
then he replied:
"i have faith in you and shirleen (he got the name wrong too). well, don't stay up too late."

WHAT THE TOOTS!!
felt like saying:
PLEASE DON'T HAVE ANY FAITH IN ME OKAY.
i can't just go for mentoring and tell the mentees:
"oh i'm sorry but the transport we promised you is gone so now you gotta take mrt all the way there ya."
and don't expect me to be such a good motivator.
I AM NOT HITLER.

AND WHY THE TOOTS DID YOU THINK I'M STAYING UP SO LATE FOR.
i don't need your sarcastic and hypocritical comment ya.
i don't need you to gloat over your supposed 'victory' in this issue ya.

plus now i gotta inform all the mentors about this.
no, in fact i think i have to call the mentees up personally to explain the situation and get their responses.
all 32 of them.
WHAT THE TOOTS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK MY TIME IS FOR.
I'M AN 'A' LEVEL STUDENT OKAY.
quoting someone: I'M JUST A VOLUNTEER.

i know this may not be the case but...
IF THIS IS YOUR WAY OF GETTING BACK THEN YOU ARE AIMING AT THE WRONG BUNCH OKAY.
my mentors have all graduated. poof.
they're not coming back anymore even if you beg.
it is the new batch of mentors and mentees that your actions will affect.
THINK TWICE BOZO.

and why the toots am i still so involved in thc stuff.
I AM SUPPOSE TO BE A RETIREE!!
get out of my life!

i have an economics test tomorrow and there you are ruining my mood for study.
i was only at foreign exchange when that stupid message came.
i haven't even touched balance of payments!!
and the stupid exchange of words made me completely unable to study any further.
and now it's 1 pm.
THE ANGER IS CONSUMING MY MIND YA.

i am now very sympathetic towards future MCs.
i don't think that they should be elected by us.
i think that it should be voluntary.
we shouldn't even ask anyone if they want to cuz they'll most probably say yes under pressure.
like yours truly.

maybe i'm the only incompetent one but i think MCs are exploited.
they ask you to go for 4-hour meetings, but the only time you get to talk is the 15-minute report on PRSS-TPJC.
they ask you to arrange loads of stuff without concern that you are already overloaded by schoolwork.
they ask you to confirm loads of stuff but they can't make up their mind.
they ask you to motivate your mentors and mentees without realising that this is such a difficult task and that we are not Hitlers.
they ask you to encourage your mentors and mentees but the things they expect them to do is so hopelessly troublesome and most of the time lame.

and then you get the reprimands if you fail to do any one of them.

i don't care if anyone reads this.
i don't care even if THC sees this.
I AM TOOTS ANGRY.


WHAT THE TOOTS.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Saturday, April 15, 2006

5:18 PM

a rojak of stuff.

currently listening to: 独唱情歌 [TANK and Selina]

okay i am here to report my pee-darberliew results.
BAND 2.

ehh... i am quite satisfied with my results actually.
cuz this was what i had expected, and nothing more than that had ever crossed my mind before.
somehow i knew it would be lah.. due to various factors. ahem.
yep so i am satisfied. so are my PW mates.
my whole group scored band 2!!
GREAT JOB PPL!!! IT'S FINALLY OVER FOR US!!!
*jumps around*

BUT!!
the rest of the college population was not happy at all:
30 ppl: band 1.
48-50%: band 2
51~52%: band 3
4 ppl: band 4

umm.. and this is compared to:
SRJC: 86.1% band 1 & 2
MJC: 95% band 1 & 2 (*curses*)
TJC: 99.1% band 1 & 2

TPJC is offically going downhill man.

as if this should be of any surprise.
what i heard was that the tpjc teachers came down real hard on the marking this year.
expected the moderators to mark it up.
but moderators marked them even further down instead.
so ta~da~ our crappy results.

you can guess the commotion over PW right now.
the entire cohort is reacting to it.

i don't really think there is is really a VERY SIGNIFICANT difference in the quality of our projects as compared to the other JCs.
it's perfectly normal to me if the other JCs come up with more band 1s than us.
but our percentage of people with band 2 is way too low.
we can't be that bad.
i am positive about this.

okay enough of PW.

we had a 05A02 class outing yesterday.
to celebrate yazzie and hairianto's birthday.
it was an experience i would say.
since i'd never been to much outings with A02 before.
and this was a trip to lau pa sat and the esplanade, which is really rather different from where i usually hang out. different feel too.

but it was rather fun nonetheless.
especially since it was at night.
and as 05A02 we took care to be as spastic as possible.
okay it wasn't deliberate, it's innate.

so we took lots of satays and photos, made lots of funny comments and did lots of funny stuff.
come to think of it, we didn't really do much in terms of activities.
it was those little little stuff that we did on the way that made this outing much more fun than it would be.
like playing some blacksheepwhitesheep game at the riverside.
-____-"

oh and yesterday too, regina came over to study.
it was a REALLY UNPRODUCTIVE session in terms of the amount of homework we managed to conquer.
but it was one of the most meaningful sessions we'd ever had in years.

it was more than jokes and lame comments this time, and more of relating our experiences in the new environment, the problems we had with the people we met etc.
heh. not 8 years of friendship for nothing eh.
*pats regina on the back*
life is really hard.
it's even harder when you are nice.

and i sort of confirmed the fact that there is really change in me.
in terms of 'being nice', i'm not so nice anymore.
i'm not 'so nice' to the extent that i just take it when people step on my toes.
not anymore.
i retaliate now.

i'm beginning to find things that i really dislike.
like people telling me to buck up, or people questioning me about my effort.
worse when people try to tell me what to do.
i HATE it when people do that.

it's like they're saying that i've not been trying, that i've not been doing work, that i've not been putting in any effort.
which is so totally untrue.
and this issue is very sensitive to me because i put in effort and work for every single achievement that i have now.
i'm not naturally smart you know. not like my brother.
i think the way i think now because i worked for it.
and now you are telling me to buck up?
how wrong is that?
just because i get occassionally diverted?
just because you don't see me working?
suddenly i can understand how a friend of mine feels.

and i get really confused and misunderstood sometimes.
when i'm happy, people claim that i am sad.
when i'm sad, people think that i am happy (which is worse).
when i wanna say or do something, people think i won't bother to, or think that i won't be able to.
when i don't wanna say or do something, people assume that i will definitely say or do something.
and these things happen all the time.

i don't know.
people takes things from the surface it seems.
i thought we were taught to not judge stuff by their covers, but people surprise me with the way they think sometimes.
everything has another side, and that side is most prolly THE true side.
bottom line is?
you gotta be really outward with your feelings in this society.
otherwise people will just take you from what you appear to be.

then again!
this leads to conflicts.
and then like me, you are not 'so nice' anymore.
but what can you do?
continue being misunderstood?
doing stuff you don't wanna do?

we all know what this leads to.
we see it in the gothic novels all the time.

... see?
the sense of irritation and impatience in me is slowly building up.
and you may add in the word 'again' if you want since i do recall a period where i really scared my friends with it.

and come to think of it, if there is anybody who is willing to listen to my problems right now, it would be this bunch of friends of mine.
it's like... whenever i just casually remark that school is stressful, with no intention to continue at all, they'll just prompt me to go on and pour my troubles out to them.
some even allow me to complain to them first when i know that they've got pretty taxing problems too.
they'll always be willing to listen, and this always makes me wanna cry because i haven't been 'listened to' for a very long time.
ever since i came to JC.

it's different here because whenever i try to start complaining, people would indirectly tell me to 'stop it' because they apparently have bigger problems than me.
or they'll just disregard whatever i said and start talking about their own problems.
then it becomes like a 'competition' to see who has the 'biggest complaints'.
i don't blame them since i know that it is absolutely normal to want to complain during this period of time.

but this is exactly why i am so grateful that i have friends who are always there.
they'll be listening, i know it.
but sometimes i don't wanna talk.
not because i don't wanna talk to them, just that i can't bring myself to.
i might just break down if i start complaining at length.
many times it nearly happened, then i'll go quiet because i don't wanna cry.
i guess i still have this stubborn sense of pride in me even when i'm with my close friends.

but the fact that you guys will want to listen... i'm comforted.
i really am.

okayy. i'm nearly crying again.

still.. whatever.
this is life.
and life is like that.
life is hard.
it doesn't take a 60+-year-old to know this.

okay returning to my econs.
seriously!
a math and a econs test on the same day??
trying to kill ar?
how to study for common test liddat!?!?
*fumes*

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

11:27 AM

just a normal post.

currently listening to: Silence [And More Silence]

termolo ish pee-darberliew leesowts.
i have a bad feeling about this.

but anyway today was the first mentor-meet-mentee session.
it was okay lah i guess.
kinda like the first mmm last year, except that there are more games this year.
but this time there was feedback that we should do more games.
so i am like... okayy.
the new mentees are much more shy this year compared to my batch.
but they were kinda enthusiastic about the activities, so i guess it's just the unfamiliarity that scares them. they'll get over it.

and i have to return the 2 volleyballs to C.Lee before he cuts off my head.
first thing in the morning tmr.
alex better remember to bring the ball!!
okay this doesn't sound right.
rephrase: I better remember to bring the ball!!!

phew.
i am just so glad that mentoring is gonna be over for me soon.
what a year it has been last year.

ehh.. what more today... oh.
i absolutely don't wanna talk to my aunt anymore. *rolls eyes*
WHATEVER. i wasn't even irritated okayy.

erm and please pray for me tomorrow.
pee-darberliew leesowts.
*shivers*

sidetrack: i think i am starting to get over it. is this a good sign?

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Saturday, April 08, 2006

11:42 PM

too many thoughts

currently listening to: Silence [And More Silence]


bwluahhh.

i'll be fine.
i just need some time that's all.
after i'm done thinking it'll be okay.
i just need some more determination and that's about it.
i only need to stick to my decisions and not let my mind wander about too much.
i will need to just hear my heart out more frequently.
it'll be over soon and then i won't feel so sad i guess.
it's nothing it's nothing.
i'll just get back to being me.
that wasn't me yeah.

but still i wish i had a little more courage. a little more perseverance. a little more faith.


sidetrack: it has always been you. nobody else. yes YOU.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

5:26 PM

crestfallen

currently listening to: Zhi Yin Wei Ni [Zhang Dong Liang]

this is so sad.

i dunno what came over me today, but i did all the things that i normally wouldn't do.
and now i feel really super stupid about them.
i am so gonna control my emotions and actions from now on.

and the saddest thing is.
i have this primary school friend in tpjc whom i suddenly decide to say hello to today for some reason i cannot understand.
..told you i did all the things i normally wouldn't do.
but anyway, she's a friend that i thought so so so highly about because of certain events that happened back in our primary school days.

*waves*
"do you remember me?"
*she raises her eyebrows...
... and shakes her head*

...........

you cannot imagine how sad i am lah.
i showed her my primary school photo and told her about our common ccas.
but she still couldn't remember!!!

i am just so sad.
i always thought that she actually remembered.
since we were pretty close during the cca times.
and now it turned out that she didn't remember at all!!

*crestfallen*

so now i think i am a little too quick to jump into assumptions.
things may not be the way i thought it was after all.
for all i know, macey may not remember me after all.
which makes perfect sense since i lost contact with macey earlier than i had lost contact with that particular primary school friend.

okay suddenly everything changes.
i am not so confident after all.

i think i may have changed too much.
especially appearance-wise.
cuz she was telling me "maybe it's cuz you look very different now".
i don't blame her cuz i think it's kinda true too.
okay tell me again about how i hate change.

so i was kinda depressed all throughout the interact games today.
didn't really participate, partly cuz i was depressed and also because i had no idea how to play the games that they played since i was asking them a hundred times about it and i get silence back a hundred times in return.
eugene tried comforting me and telling me about his childhood friend who couldn't recognise him now either.
but still... I AM SAD.

today is very significant because...
it kinda hit me that all my assumptions up till now could be so so wrong.
and the thought that macey might not even remember me at all is so...
... it would mean nothing if he doesn't remember.

maybe i should learn to let go of the past.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。