sorting out my thoughts.

currently listening to: Because We Believe [Andrea Bocelli]

okay this is gonna be a LONG and messy entry.
cuz my thoughts comes in parts.
totally random. out of the blue. lots of question marks.
maybe that explains why i'm so prone to day-dreaming.

umm.. yeah we had our OG bbq at last on friday.
although the majority were J2s, i still thought it was pretty decent.
at least it's the only bbq i got to eat so much and chat around in peace instead of getting smoke on my face the entire time.
*nods head*
oh and emu makes nice roasted marshmallows!
but mine gets burnt all the time.

thinking about the past week.
the holidays gonna be over in 24 hours ++.
what exactly have i done?
tried to squeeze all my outings into a single day, but somehow ended up going out everyday.
i wonder how it happened.
maybe i should bury my handphone and dismantle my computer whenever the holidays are here.

monday:
was trying to study econs but got dragged out by my mother to SGH and KSC. okay maybe not 'dragged' but i was feeling guilty about not accompanying her to SGH so i gave in.

tuesday:
had lit in the morning. long talk with mr reynolds about dropping literature. played badminton with michelle, juliana and hazel. tried to study literature but only managed to complete the poe pre-tutorials.

wednesday:
woke up late so couldn't study CLA in the morning. went over the jiepi's house to watch sex and the city along with xinwei and judy. exposed to some really explicit scenes. really, this week seems to be full of explicit scenes somehow. went to TM to zap the silas marner notes we'd borrowed from jiepi's sister. visited hazel at the yan su ji stall at CS. walked around. so i only managed to read the shining on the way. so much for cla.

thursday:
study camp with regina, juliana and li. woke up late so couldn't study math in the morning (again. i know i know.). li came over at 3 and reg and jul at 5+. so much for meeting at 2pm+ *stares*. was trying to study math and i did the DRV tutorials again for revision. but the rest of the time the 4 of us were talking about the tpjc-mjc rivalry thingy and watchinglistening to mtv. jul and reg stayed over, and we popped over to caltex for foodstuff at night. we studied till from 11+pm to 3am. 11~12am was prolly the period we absorbed the most. after that it was mainly complaints of "gosh i'm falling asleep", "ARGH i so tired!", "i wanna eat." and "let's sleep can?".

friday:
jul and reg still in the house. we sat in front of the computer from 10am to 2pm 'kop'-ing songs from one another's music devices and doing lots of personality tests. they left for reg's house to study again and i went back home to get ready for the bbq. tried to fly a kite at the beach but failed cuz the *toot* kite prefers to fly around in circles and 5 cm above the ground. then it was bbq time~ ate and talked and laughed and played cards. hairianto sent jingfang and me home by taxi. thanks lots!

saturday:
which is today. tried to study history in the morning but somehow i ended up reading the newspapers first and i'd barely got past one chapter of SEA history and i got dragged out by my mother again. this time to get the army supplies with my brother and to eat at marche. as usual i devoured one plate and a half of rosti, along with the other usual dishes. hung around in HMV to wait for my mother (who was at robinsons). something came over me and i bought WaT and K's latest CDs. i saw w-inds. THANKS album too!!!! i am so so so surprise they have it in singapore already. the last time i had waited for ageha for one whole month and i got it at MJ... erms. anyway i had an incredible urge to buy it... BUT! not knowing that it would be in singapore already, i'd asked wanfung and ruiran to buy it for me since they are in hong kong right now. so i have to wait. *sobx*

so here i am, back since 9pm, sitting in front of the computer, blogging and downloading Boa's OUTGROW album. in short-- i gave up on history.

i guess tomorrow's flow of events would be pretty much similar to these, except that i'll be having tuition.

what have i been doing?
this is strange.
i've been touching books the whole week but nothing's gone into my head.
i'm so tired of studying already.
i'm losing interest for studying.
like today i tried to get SEA history into my head but i stared at the notes for 2 hours and all the while my mind was elsewhere.

i think this is what you get when you've been trying so hard for so many years.
you just feel tired and you don't wanna go on anymore.
cuz everything seems to be off tangent in the end and you never get what you want.
like everyone else, you try to work hard for your goals.
but in a hidden part of your mind you know that your dreams won't ever come true.
cuz it never did. not once.
so subconsciously you have already given up.
but still you are trying to work hard because that's what everyone else is doing.

i guess that's why i get irritated when people ask me about homework.
not VERY irritated or annoyed lah.
it's just like a sudden "......" thought that flashes through my head.
it reminds me of studies when i've been trying and trying yet things always happen to foil it up.
it makes me feel angry at myself, especially when people call to ask about homework that i have not done.
it sort of makes me feel insulted too cuz people will be thinking or saying, "what? you haven't done it yet?", and it's sounds like i've been slacking the entire time when in truth i've been trying hard as well.

*sigh*
i dunno.

oh and about dropping literature.
my reynolds talked to me on tuesday.
i told him about my stagnating results and i forgot what he said.
but i remember him saying that i should look at the A level results in general.
cuz lit grades have traditionally been poor in school exams or assignments.
so should i or should i not drop?

i have a feeling that the teachers are rolling their eyes already cuz i seem to be dragging my feet.
since it's already this time of the year and i'm still worrying about dropping or not.
i think like that too, so i'm not particularly unhappy about it or anything.
but really, should i or should i not?

i took up literature because i thought that it was something an arts student should have.
i mean, when i got the subject combination form in acjc, literature was included in every single arts combination so i guess the idea just went into my head.
and of course to some extent i do really feel that arts is all about literature, whether one is given a choice or not.
but when i realised that this isn't necessarily true, i thought to myself: i'm gonna drop it sooner or later.
and so the thought went on... and on... and on.
but no action was ever taken.

in truth, literature seems to be like a burden to me.
i think that's why i'm always having lit assignments to clear because i'm always putting them off to the very last item on my homework list.
the first few books-- The Monk, Jekyll and Hyde, Silas Marner and maybe also Country Wife have been like a torture to me.
especially The Monk and J&H.
i just don't like gothic i guess.
i don't like the way it reflects all the ugly sides of life.
it makes me feel "too much into reality", getting in contact with these aspects of humanity.
and i don't like facing these negative aspects of life.
i don't know why either but it's just me.
i guess it has something to do with my dislike towards growing up.

but in any case in literature i am still exposed to them.
somehow i think i'm getting more receptive.
after reading The Shining, i think i am getting more receptive to some extent, though i do get the urge to fling the book away when i get to the scary parts.

and also, the books are getting interesting too.
like Othello and Country Wife and The Shining.
somehow i feel that i am able to do literature again with these books.
PC has always interest me as well.
but then there is something about the stagnant results.

i can understand that lit results have traditionally bad.
but should it at least increase a little?
after the effort (erm. yeah i would say there is still some effort.) put in?
why must it always hover at the 24~27 mark?
and i think i only got two 27s and one 28 in my entire literature life in jc.
the rest are all....

if i'm not confident of getting decent grades for literature, should i still hold on to it?

and then there is the interest problem.
actually, regardless of whatever i say in school, literature has always seem to be an interesting subject to me.
maybe it wasn't a VERY STRONG interest, but nonetheless i know i do have an interest.
but in jc, it's suddenly warped.
i think it has something to do with the boring lessons (i'm sorry) and texts.
then literature work is starting to pile as well.
it becomes a burden to me and no longer an interest like it once was.

but like i said, the holidays have sort of given me a 'break' from this.
reading The Shining over the holidays have been a pleasure despite the scary parts in it.
just like how reading Othello was a pleasure during the december holidays.
maybe it's the nature of the book... i dunno.
but the point is that suddenly i feel that literature is interesting again.

so should i still drop it?

it like a 'vicious cycle of thoughts' sorta thing:

stage 1- lit bores me and sucks the life out of me in school.
stage 2- lit results makes it even more of a torture for me.
stage 3- suddenly interest for lit revives (eg. during the hols) and i feel like i can do it.
stage 4- but thought about stagnant lit results makes me depressed again.
stage 5- start to feel that lit is a burden.
stage 6- repeat the process from stage 1.

argh.
i'm still caught.

lit is about...
themes, skills, comparisons, analysis. i think.
i like the themes and and analysis part.
but skills?
skills like analysing the use of language, the use of parallels etc etc.
i don't think i will EVER be able to get them right.
it will mean putting in alot alot alot more effort into lit.
it would be at the huge huge expense of my other homework.
because i don't think i have the basics.
like.. what exactly is language?
what are the stuff you have to look at to talk about language?
these are basics that i don't have, and i kind of think it's because i don't have a literature background.

okay suddenly i'm blabbering and i dunno what i'm talking about.
literature... to drop or not to drop?
i can't believe i'm having so much problem with this problem.
it's like a constant thought that takes away my motivation for studying literature... or any other subject.
can i get this over and done with, and finally concentrate on studying??

*shakes head*
the problem with 4-subbers.
they have too much on their minds.

... i know i have to come to a decision fast..

then there's the problem about being sick of studying.
oh come to think of it.
since i know i'm not gonna do fantastic anyway, taking lit and goofing it up won't hurt will it?

........

in any case, i can not do fantastic for the A levels, but i definitely CANNOT goof up my A levels and get all Cs or Ds or something worse.
but this is what i will get if i continue like what i am doing now.
i'm gonna flunk my A levels so badly that i won't be able to crawl up again and get out of depression even if my parents sent me overseas for a second attempt.
i may not even want to go overseas since i've always thought it was an act of escaping from reality and i don't want that.
... and then i'll end up rotting at home and getting into a course that will make me jump off a building a few lessons later.

okays.
i know i've got an overactive imagination.
but you can't deny that something like this might just happen.

man, i really really gotta get back on track.

first i gotta make that decision about literature.
then i have to come to terms with studying and not be so sick of it anymore.
then i have to find a way for effective studying.
then i gotta try to sustain whatever i'm doing until the A levels are over.
and regardless of aptitude and goals, i'll be getting whatever fate gives me in the end.

......
okay whatever you read in the above paragraph jsut summarized this entire entry.



but they are easier said than done.
sigh.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。