currently listening to: It's in the Stars [w-inds.]
i began using the computer only to log on to tpjc.net. somehow i got distracted and i found the w-inds. PV!!! *jumps around in joy* i drooled at it for about an hour. then i started surfing and surfing.
IT'S BEEN 4 HOURS.
what am i doing here!!?!?!
my history notes are rotting in a corner. and i haven't done the essay outlines. or the gothic pre-tutorial. or the econs essay outlines. or ANY revision in particular.
suddenly i am beginning to understand the reason. the reason why my friends are railing about shutting down their blogs all the time. IT DISTRACTS.
like duh.
ok that's it. i'm banning myself from the computer.
unless it's about school-related or w-inds.-related stuff of course.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
9:43 PM
IT'S IN THE STARS!!!
currently listening to: It's in the Stars [w-inds.]
currently listening to: Nothing [Feeling Depressed]
the class got a rather harsh scolding from mr dan today. didn't know what to think after that. didn't say much during the class discussion. cuz it's not like me to... whatever.
the class was not exactly very angry about the scolding. which made me quite surprised because i thought we were all so agitated when we talked about the 10 rounds thingy. but in fact, there was an element of guilt somewhere. though still some complaints here and there of course (c'mon, we ARE young ppl). i guess everyone started to think alot after the scolding.
sometimes i really feel like shaking my head. but i can't find the guts to do it.
i feel guilty to some extent too. about lots of stuff. but especially towards mr gay. =(
it will be damn awkward from now on lah. for sure.
okay anyways i went for the NTU School of Information and Communications Talk today. rather demoralised by it, since it is now confirmed that it's super hard to get into SCI. and i haven't really thought of what else i'd like to do other than SCI. Business? but even that is tough. everywhere and anywhere you go, it's always tough for our year.
stupid dragons.
to first qualify for the interview, you have to shine in your academics. out of 1000++ applicants, you have to have good grades to be selected as one of the 500 interviewees. after which they chuck off 300 base on your performance durnig the interview.
tell me. how hard is this? it's SUPER HARD.
getting good grades is hard enough. though i have to admit it's still achievable. then SHINING out of the 1000++ applicants is difficult since prolly everyone will be having good grades. what's EVEN MORE TOUGH is the interview. it is that that makes you, or breaks you.
tell me howoo~ how to get in like that. *sigh*
so i didn't feel like going out anymore after the talk. even though huichun still pangseh me in the end. hmph. shall get my supplies some other day.
*sigh* SCI. i guess i'd better keep a lookout for other courses.
- depressed - - officially 70% drained -
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Thursday, February 16, 2006
9:53 PM
acting weird
currently listening to: Xin Dong [Lin Xiao Pei]
haiyo. what's happening to me ar? i need to get back on track soon lah. grrr.
currently listening to: Mirai Kara no Boukyou [Tales of Eternia]
CONGRATS TO THE JC1s!!!!
cuz it's finally over =) *pats you on the back*
so here comes the time where every freshly-graduated sec 4 student will mull over his or her results and the even bigger question of where he or she should head for.
honestly, i would be very sad to see my ogms leave. then again, i sort of know that it's for their greater benefit if they do. so.... just follow your heart.
and let me know when you've decided hor.
looking at their results, it triggered off a little self-reflection on my own achievements. and i have to admit that i am feeling a little sad. and regretful. and angry. and disappointed.
but it's over anyway. thou shalt not brood over it anymore.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
1:02 AM
complaints. as usual.
currently listening to: Mirai Kara no Boukyou [Tales of Eternia]
i can't stand it any longer. i don't care that there's no way to make this a private post.
okay so i confess.
today was a bad day.
in fact, it was a bad week all through.
i realised lots of stuff that i'd be better off without knowing. so many people are making me so disappointed and disillusioned. why is it happening only now? why is it that i never saw it coming? why is it that i see it only now?
i am getting increasingly intolerant of people. i hate it when people criticise when they don't understand me at all. they think they do, but they don't. but they still end up putting my 'thoughts and actions' into words. then come to a conclusion of their own.
what's with the weird looks? what's with the 'i-cant-believe-you-are-doing-this' attitude? what's with the comments when you don't understand a single thing at all?
you think you know me? no you don't.
did they try to understand at all? did they think that it was only a tantrum of sorts? did they think that i am putting up a face for nothing?
i hate to be stereotyped.
then there's another type of people. people who thinks that i'm being autocratic. since when did i have the power to do so?
and why do you think i did those things? it was all for your OWN benefit. it's not gonna help me at all you know. in fact it's taking away my time for my OWN stuff. and i hate to speak to people regarding issues that should have been thought over by THEMSELVES.
awkwardness is not for me. i detest it.
so why am i doing it? cuz you're suppose to be my friend. i'm helping you to do stuff that you want to do but never even went about STARTING on.
but without even understanding, you label me. and even went along with the label without seeking FURTHER clarifications. does it make me stupid then? why am i doing stuff that gives me nothing but all these crap?
again. you think you know me, but you don't.
and then there's another type of people again. people whom i always held in high regard and had respect for. but why are they crushing the image that they had imprinted into my mind?
it just makes the whole world seems surreal. it becomes impractical to believe in someone, or to have respect for someone. suddenly, everything crashes and you realise that your faith was in something that isn't what you thought it was. and does that make me doubt myself?
yes it does. it does a great deal.
maybe it's me. maybe i'm the problem after all. am i the one changing? even if i am, I am the only one who has the right to answer this question. cuz you probably don't know me at all.
or maybe it's the work that warping my mindset. i can't say that i have more work than others. since i know for a fact that there are many others who are going strong despite their unbelievable workload, and i admire them for this. but it also proves that it's all in the mindset doesn't it?
so i admit i have a weak will. much as a hate to admit. i cannot take pressure that attempts to stretch my limits. and so this is how it is. this is my mindset. i can't take it even if my workload's relatively lighter than the others. so there.
when it happens, i get confused. i panick. my brain functions at a high velocity but it doesn't produce anything helpful. when i realise that things have to turn out this way, i get extremely uncomfortable. then a breakdown usually ensues.
and this will make me think why i am working so hard for. it makes everything seem like a chore. a chore that i can choose not to take up. but why is it that i am always doing them? not that anyone's pointing a gun at my head and forcing me to do them or something.
sometimes i just don't understand myself. my body reacts more quickly than my brain. and they usually react differently too.
so i'm beginning to kind of understand Shikamaru's mentality. to keep out of trouble and just lead a simple, boring life somewhere doing nothing. occasionally staring at the clouds, playing chess, walking about here and there. anything but trouble. anything but stuff that possibly has negative after-effects. heh. smart boy. this is what i want to be.
i just found out recently that i HATE to be told to do my homework. i was so frustrated one night i decided to just slack in front of the tv for once. then my aunt comes along and says: "don't you have any schoolwork? you look so relaxed lately."
then it came like a stab in the heart. no one had ever said that since my primary school days. an injury to my pride. i reacted VERY VIOLENTLY.
what did she mean by that sentence? that i've not been working hard? that i've been slacking away because i want to neglect my schoolwork deliberately? HOW CAN ANYONE EVEN THINK THAT OF ME??
so i've not been working hard? this makes me feel so disillusioned.
i had worked so hard. so hard for every assignment or test or examination. like Rock Lee, i thought that i could do what the geniuses could do if i worked hard. but has it got me anywhere? why am i always suffering from blows and blows of disappointment? i work all the way up then i come crashing down again and again. does the theory of hard work really hold?
i hate it when my all hard work can only be determined and certified by a single piece of paper. despite the millions and millions of other papers that i tried out for too.
ONE single paper. it is only THAT paper. it MUST be that paper. that paper tells the world the amount of hard work you've put in. the world believes in ONLY that paper.
tell me where i can find a balanced equation for this.
and so i am halfway in the process of giving up. what's the use of trying so hard and end up disappointed again? do it to me once more and i know i'll never stand up again. it's too big a risk.
maybe this is what growing up is about. you realise how foolish you were, and they become regrets that you no longer have any way to salvage. then you start to see people, witness their actions, get hurt and disillusioned, and then you get either fed-up or simply numbed. and it hurts more when it takes your faith away with it.
let me strive to lead a simple life. no one's really reliable. proportionate amount of effort; nothing more. stare at clouds once in a while, muse. do not trouble myself at any cost.
... but it's easier said than done. let's hope my brain reacts before my body does.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Friday, February 10, 2006
11:38 PM
analogy
currently listening to: Mirai Kara no Boukyou [Tales of Eternia]
it's like when you keep on stuffing your dirty laundry into the laundry basket without clearing it. it gets fuller and fuller and fuller. the stuff in it gets heavier and heavier and heavier. not to mention smellier too.
then one day it simply gets overloaded. the towering pile of dirty laundry is gonna crash anytime. and then it finally crashes.
so the basket is not full anymore. nor is it heavier. so yays. but it ends up... toppled over. and lying amongst the mountain of dirty, foul-smelling laundry. and that's where it'll be.
... until someone comes along after some time. if it's lucky.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Sunday, February 05, 2006
2:10 PM
i'm such a sloth
currently listening to: Nothing [Can't Be Bothered]
i wanted at wake up at 8am today. but i ended up waking up at 2pm. i am so angry with myself. how am i suppose to get good grades like that??
okay. i'm super cranky today.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Saturday, February 04, 2006
4:48 PM
......
currently listening to: Jie Mao Wan Wan [Cyndi Wang]
LIAR
i'm so damn disappointed with him. he even lied to me in the face. and to think i actually believed him. CRAP.
記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。
Thursday, February 02, 2006
3:44 PM
dilemma
currently listening to: Jie Mao Wan Wan [Cyndi Wang]
my friends were already talking to her, i hurried over and nodded my head at whatever they said. she pointed at me and asked,
"you too?" "yeah, probably." "i can tell. you've been losing interest."
guilt and shame overwhelmed me. instantaneously. it makes me want to persevere, but again, i don't feel passion for it at all.
