figurethisoutifyoucan

currently listening to: STEP you [Ayumi Hamasaki]

okayiamusingmytimeforhomeworktolinkupmybelovedogmsattheexpenseofthe
uncompletedeconsdrcsandliteratureparagraphsothismeansthatiwillhave
atonmoreofhomeworktocompletetomorrowsincetheteachersdontseembetoshowing
anysignsofslowingdownthespeedtheyaregivingoutassignments.

whichremindsmeiwillhaveabsolutelynotimeforhomeworktomorrowsincementoring
isonandplusihavenoideawhattodoforthesessioniftheyturnupwithouthomework
orworsestillifidontknowhowtosolvetheirmathquestionswhichisusuallythecase.

ithinkibetterstarthammeringthecomputerintopiecesoriwillendupwithloadsof
uncompletedassignmentsthisyear.whateverhappenedtomystudytimetablethati
drewuponemonthagomaybeitgoteatenupbythecockroachescuzicantseemtofindit
anywhereonthestudytable(ormaybeitoreitupwheniwassleepwalkingonenight).butwhateverthecaseisit
meansthatthisisnothelpingwithmygradesatall.iwannastudylahtwoyearsissuch
ashorttimeforsuchabigexamlikethealevels.

andiammissingmaceyalready.imisslookingathimfromthecornerofmyeye.imiss
lookingoutforhimwhereeverigo.imisscheckingonhistimetabletoknowwhereheis.
imissthewayhebrushespassmewhenwemeetalongthecorridors.imissthetimeswhen
iammissinghim.

butthismakesmefeelsobimboticlah.idontlikethewayiamalwaystalkingabouthim
tomyfriendsinschoolallthetimebecausesomehowitdoesntseemlikethefeelingsare
sincerewhenyoukeeponblabberingonaboutsomeoneinfrontofeverybody.itslikeiam
onlytryingtomakehispresenceinmylifeknownandidontlikeitcuzitisntthewayitis
supposetobe.idontwanttoonlybetalkingabouthimandnotsincerelythinkingabouthim
atall.

itstartedoutasasortofunrealisticobsessioncuzihadnothingtoholdontothenbutnow
ithasevolvedintosomethingbeyondmycontrolandthoughiamfeelingratherhelplessby
thisidontthinkthatitisabadthingatall.butbecauseitwasntmeanttomeananythingwhen
itfirststartediambeginningtosuspectwhethermyfeelingsnowaresincereorisitonly
habitualcuzwhenyoukeeptalkingaboutsomethingyoutendtodevelopaconnectionwithit
suchthatitbecomesaningrownhabit.butthismaynotmeanthatitissincerecuzitmayonlybe
asunconsciousthingwherebyyouthinkitsforrealbutitisreallyonlyadelusioncreatedby
therepeatedaffirmationsthatmaynotalwaysbetrue.

thatswhyidontwanttoconstantlyremindmyselfofhimanymore.idunwannatalkabouthimso
oftenjusttomakemyselfassuredofhispresence.idunwannaalwaysbefawningextrovertly
overhimanymorebecauseiamscaredthatthesemayonlybeahabit.iamscaredthatmyfeelings
maynotbesincereatall.besidesidontfeelconfortablebeingsoextreme.nowandthenifind
myselfmissingthebimboticsideofmewheneverheisnearbutjustincaseitsanaftereffect
ofrehabilitationishouldjustcontinuesuppressinguntiliconfirmthesincerityofthis
feelingsofmine.

haizifeellikeoneofthelostsheepslah.thissubjectissobeyondmebutiknowihavetogo
throughthelessonsandlearnmoreaboutitsomehow.

okayishouldntbeherelahtheeconsdrcsisgonnagivemenightmarestonightifidontcomplete
it.lookatwhatstresshasdonelahicantevenenjoywhatienjoydoingmost.grr.haiyacomplain
alsonouselahibettergetbacktothemuggermoodliaolah.jc1wasalreadyarelaxingenoughyear
formesoiguessitspaybacktimerightnow.okaysoletmegetbacktomuggingmuggingmugging.

ishallbeamuggerfromthisdayon.
ifyouthinkiamalreadyonetheniamgonnabeanevenmoresupermuggerfromthisdayon.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。