recapping orientation 2005

currently listening to: Nothing [Absolutely Nothing]

gosh my head's gonna explode any minute lah.
and my limbs are aching from the OGL camp too.

make some sense of this:



it's a word puzzle game posted on tpjc.net.
you're suppose to make some sense of the diagram and guess a common word or phrase.
like for example: 'HISTORY HISTORY HISTORY', and the answer is "history repeats itself"
or another example: 'MEREPEAT', and the answer is "repeat after me"
get it guys?
then help me!!!
*waves white flag*

and i've been stuck at this level for like an hour??
tried everything.
two-time. two-timer. time by time. time and again. time and time again.
blah blah blah blah.
and i still can't get it!!
*tears out hair*

okay now my head's gonna burst.
like nobody has a problem with this level?
i'm the only one with the low IQ, trying to force my brain into malfunctioning by sitting in front of the computer the entire evening at the expense of all the homework i haven't done.

............. *silence*

okay that was a long sentence.
and it sounds like i'm stupid.

............. *silence*

BWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

okay okay, that aside that aside.
i'm never gonna get well in time for the orientation if my overworked brain malfunctions now.
it was already so sad that i missed the wet games. *sobx*

oh and i called the OGMs already.
some sound pretty nice and enthusiastic.
some sound... not exactly very nice or enthusiastic.
which makes me worried.
cuz my OG is rather deprived of lively young boys (only 2, to be exact).
why?
because huichun and yazzie took them all.
*stares*

i don't care ar.
i want an alliance.
hmph.

--sings: i wanna hold your hand~~--

ehh..
besides the lack of males in the group.
i'm kinda worried about the whole orientation too.
i mean, I DUNNO HOW TO DANCE THE USHER SONG!!!
and i can't do the couple dance without the councillors leading up front.
awwww..
wish i had more time to learn it.
a dance idiot like me who took like 1 whole week to learn acjc's mass dances
(and only finally got all the moves right during the LAST dance)
should have started learning it like two months ago?
but argh, the camp was wayy too late.

and i am so very sure that there'll be tons of awkward moments when i just stare at the OGMs and they stare back and we realise that we have absolutely nothing to say and completely nothing to do and that the air around us is starting to turn mouldy.

and you have to take into consideration all the people who will be switching OGs to be with their friends, or ponning orientation cuz they think it's a waste of time (it's worse if they pon after the first day with YOU), or simply refusing to take part in the activities and stuff like that.

i'm pretty sure i'll end up with a super small OG with no guys at all. yep.
then i'll look for hc and yazzie to ally with.
*wahahahhaha*

i mean, if such things can already happen among super spontaneous acjc OGMs, it can happen anywhere and especially if you're talking about tpjc. well, at least AC had 1000++ PAE intake, and they had a ton of decent cheers, and a wonderful group of OGLs who have inspired me quite alot, and an orientation that was so well-planned and enjoyable that you get the feeling, "wow, this IS acjc." and stuff liddat.

i remember the whole orientation was based on a story the OGLs and councillors made up themselves. something about a magical kingdom where there are a few main powers-- Tyrallus, Calshia, Grendalis, Olaundros, Terazul and whatnoticantremember. so the powers are fighting for... more power of course. so we compete for more points and stuff throughout the whole orientation. every morning when we reported to the hall, there would be a small skit put up by the OGLs showing us the flow of events (who allied who, who plotted against who and blah blah.) so it's like watching a tv serial and being part of it as well.

oh and there was once when some high power from Calshia went missing (possibly kidnapped or was too depressed over the turn of events that he went into hiding), so the entire kingdom was hunting for him. i can't remember why we were hunting for him though. maybe it had to do with holding him hostage to threaten Calshia or something like that? whatever, but the point is that the OGs (we were called Esprites) went around from place to place to look for clues about the missing whoever, and at every place there'll be someone whom we should approach to ask for clues. but of course we don't get the clues so easily. we had to do things like cheering or pushups or sing the college song and whatnot. and it's up to them whether they want to even give us a damn or not (i remember the group at the mahjong table. -__-).

woohoo! then there was the mass dance. 'Boogie to the Moonlight' and 'Superstar' by Jamela. we learnt the dance steps whenever we had time. it's like: OG walks around. OG plays games. OG nothing to do then OG dances. the student council worked hand in hand with the OGLs (including setting up games etc etc), so the OGLs were the ones who taught us every step within their own OGs, which was definitely much more effective than mass teaching. and it really helps strengthen our bonds too. i always feel like dancing when i hear 'Superstar' being played.

yeah and so the entire orientation was really fun with all the cool OGLs (i mean really cool) around shouting out cheers wherever we go and whenever we start or end a game, or just for no reason at all ask you to scream out loud for team spirit. but of course, it would be much much more fun if your close friends were with you as well. and also if you sometimes got to speak in your own mother tongue too. these were the stuff that made the orientation a little less than perfect for me.

okay so why does it sound like i'm doing a recap on something that should have been blogged 11 months ago.

blah. so in any case, the point is that i really enjoyed myself thoroughly during my first orientation, and it sort of set the standard for me. my OGLs were really LEADERS. the type that you can never doubt or disagree with. now that i'm an OGL myself, i just know that things won't be as great after what i've been through this year.

but tpjc orientation WILL still be fun. no doubt about that, given all the effort put into orientation. it may not be the best of fun, but definitely fun all the same. hey, i've been through the OGL camp! it was loads of fun already. so 4 days of hard-core orientation will be tons of fun too, especially since the tpjc 2005 PAE intake had an unforgettable orientation as well.

i'm just worried about my own capabilities since i'm not exactly the 'leader' material and everyone knows that. i didn't expect to get through when i submitted the form since i thought that everyone would be as keen to be OGLs as the ACians were. plus i didn't want to be left behind if jingfang and huichun got through. but now that we are ALL in, together with yazzie, i might as well make the most of it. it's still gonna be great i'm sure, with all the fun people around in the Beatles family. just need to get hold of some guys and get them to scream out the cheers so it will sound more impressive than having girls doing it (no, i'm not discriminating okay.).

so to Vidthya, Qian Qi and Zhen Yang, my wonderful OGLs in the ACJC first orientation 2005, thanks for creating such an impact on me such that i know exactly what it takes to be a good leader. the first orientation was truly a blast for me.

and to my fellow OGLs of TPJC first orientation 2006, let's work hard and make the orientation a success like it has always been. especially to the Beatles family: ROCK ON!!!! We shall never bow to the Eagles! *wahahaha* *hums YMCA tune*

and to my future OGMs, if you happen to stumble upon this blog before orientation starts (hopefully not), TPJC ORIENTATION WILL BE A BLAST!! counting on you guys to give the right type of atmosphere ya. *winks*

ahh.. okay. 3 more days and i've to gear myself up for school and orientation. i realised that i won't be able to see macey during the first week of school since i'll be in school super early and will probably be busy until orientation is over.

AWWWWWW... SHUCKS!!!!

... was counting on those moments to keep me alive in school.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Saturday, December 24, 2005

3:51 PM

matantei loki

currently listening to: Yakusoku no Kakera, PopJam Live [w-inds.]

oh my god he's pooling!!!
i refuse to believe my luck.
why is it that i always miss him just barely.
urghhh.
*clenches fists*

anyway, to animegal:

wahh.. it's been a long time since i saw matantei loki wor.
ok, maybe not a very long time, but still a long time to me since my brain only works on a short-term basis.
*wahahaa*
so pardon me cuz i cannot quite remember the anime already.

but if i'm not wrong, there isn't much of a relationship between loki and mayura.
if you're looking for a romantic relationship between them, then no, the anime doesn't show anything about it.
but the manga does show it though, only to a small extent lah.
so either way, romance doesn't really apply to their relationship.
[though lots of fans like to think it that way]

BUT!
there is a special relationship between the two of them still.
friendship, i would say.
loki doesn't have much friends on earth.
neither does he have much friends when he's still in asgard.
[maybe except for odin, but hey, he's the reason why loki was banished.]
yep, so mayura comes along, and being the supernatural buff that she is, she's completely unafraid of hanging around loki.
in fact, we see that loki actually opens up more after meeting mayura.
(i can't remember the details, but this was how i felt when i was watching the anime]

for mayura, erm...
i had the feeling that she likes loki in the later episodes.
but there was never really proof.
maybe except that she was frantically looking (and also crying) for loki in the last episode when he decided to return to asgard.
but it doesn't necessarily mean that she's in love ar.
cuz she might be sad because loki, a friend whom she's constantly been around with, has disappeared just like that.

and did loki stay in the end?
i think he did, didn't he?
i can't really remember =X

yeah, i think he decided to stay because of mayura.
but she's not the sole cause.
i think he didn't want to confront odin anymore as well.
[i guess he wanted to avoid ragnarok ]
plus he kind of likes earth anyway, after all he's been through.
so whatever that develops next is only a guess isn't it?
*winks*

yep, so in the series, there isn't much of a relationship between the two.
in fact, my brother and i were wondering whether mayura was just an 'extra' character.
since she didn't really do much but jump around crying 'mysteryy~~'
but it would be good if there was actually something ya!!

maybe they'll come up with a second season.
[since spica only appeared in the last scene of the ending]
but even then i don't think there'll be much developments between the two though.
it would look weird wouldn't it?
a high school girl going out with a primary school kid.
[although we all know loki's much older than her]
wayy weird, even for animes.

oh and for Bleach, thanks for the tip ya!
but i was thinking of buying it as a whole set, which won't be possible unless the series finish airing in japan.
plus the dvds in Best Denki are soooo expensive O.O
*stares at wallet helplessly*
so i guess i shall just wait lah.
i bought the first book of the manga series though.
*grins*

ok hope that answers your question.
=))

----------------------------------------

i still can't believe he's pooling.
and i missed him again.
urghhhh. life.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Friday, December 23, 2005

11:19 PM

CAUTION: i'm not in the right state of mind today.

currently listening to: Nothing
[Really Nothing]

one more week to school.

one more week and i haven't cut my hair.
one more week and i haven't done any revision.
one more week and i haven't finshed vathek and frankenstein.
one more week and i shall be slogging away for the A Levels.
one more week and i'll be able to see the lovely (i hope) J1s in tpjc.

one more week and i'll be able to see macey.
=)))))))
*jumps around in joy*

in this case, there's definitely motivation for me to go back to school.
*wahhaaa*
but i dread whatever else that's coming along with it.
so nothing can be perfect i guess.
*shrugs*

i don't wanna say that i will be doing my best for the A Levels next year cuz it doesn't work that way. you wonder about the future, you worry about it, you plan for it but whatever that happens in the end is always sort of out of the plan. at least for me it is. or maybe it's just that i'm not good at planning. *raises eyebrows*

so i am always imagining myself doing the weirdest things that would never be listed in my 'agenda'. like taking care of animals in the zoo, counting money in the bank, making coffee for board meetings blah blah blah. all these stuff are like SO out of my plans but i'm so sure i'll end up doing one of these stuff anyway. it just happens.

and of course there will be people who always somehow manage to live their life according to plan. not the kind of 'plan' like 8am-brush teeth, or 6pm-cook dinner kind of stuff, that would be pathetic. i mean, some people will always be able to achieve what they had aimed for. i'm so super envious of such people cuz firstly, they ALREADY know what to aim for (unlike me who currently drifts around amidst pathetic daydreams), and secondly they can actually just work towards it without any diversions or obstructions and arrive at their destinations in the end (SO unlike me who have subconsciously taken a liking to fighting half-battles). it just seems so incredible that there are actually people like this.

maybe i've been living in my own enclosed dimension but i used to think that such people are just illusions, that they exist only as a perfect model to follow but never a reality. but when i camouflaged myself in the acjc population, and when i actually got to work with adults who are like senior managers or finance consultants or whatever blah from whatever big company, it finally hit me that such people are a reality. and that just makes me feel like my whole life's in a mess. was a mess, is a mess, and probably will continue to be a mess.

i've never been able to achieve what i wanted to achieve. be it getting into dream schools, hanging around with certain friends, achieving certain results for certain subjects, and blah blah blah. maybe it's because i didn't aim well, which would be more comforting than the fact that i didn't work well but... i would say that the latter's more fitting.

things never turn out as planned. that's the phrase for me. so what's the use of planning for the A's. it never works anyway. i always fall harder than expected. *recalls*

true. there are more stuff in life than just sticking to plans. but when i stick my fingers out to count whatever else it is that i've got, it seems that i'll get nothing unless i achieve something (which is true at least up till now). don't tell me about the experience gained, or the relationships built or stuff like that. i'm rather materialistic in that sense. not that i don't appreciate these of course, but life's just too real to simply depend on these and hope to get something out if it.

when everyone's got the same perfect plans, you know you gotta leave it either to luck (which is only one in a billion) or to your own resolve. and when you realise that some people have actually been achieving their goals while you've missed it again and again, you know that something will definitely not be right as the days go on. and sometimes this makes you wish that you're the only one in the race, but then you realise that there won't even be a competition if you're the only one around, which then turns the whole things so ironic and helplessly complicated. that's when the line 'urgh. life.' [say it with disgust] come in. life is just so full of dread.

was at the baby ward with my mother a few days ago when she was still hospitalized. I AM SO ENVIOUS OF NEW-BORNS. not only are they cute, and have no hair to worry about (*thinks about my own receding hairline*), and they get to just sleep there the whole day and not worry about the workings of life. they are just so completely free of worries! there is no dread of life! there is no hypocrisy or competition or complicated social relationships! there's no school and homework!! i couldn't take my eyes off them while i was admiring their cuteness and getting jealous about their 'carefree-ness'.

but then again, like it always happens, i started to pity them. not because they have no hair (to see it from another viewpoint), or because they can't speak or walk, or because they are so small and fragile and defenceless that they can just die when someone wants them to. it's just that when i think about how hard life (and especially education) is gonna be for them when they grow up, i get the 'awwww' feeling for them. i mean, the education system is getting more difficult, the competition is getting more intense, and life will definitely be much more of a hell for them than it is for us right now since the world's moving by leaps and bounds everyday. in just a few years time (a few months for some with kiasu parents), they'll be forced out of their 'carefree-ness' and have to submerge themselves in this never-ending battle with the drudgeries of life (if they see it as i do). they will have plans and mentalities and actions that may make or break them. then no more will they have innocence of new-borns. isn't this sad or what??

i think it's really so sad.
so life's really this sad too.
if you're in it, you can't escape.

okay.
so maybe it's a little early to get depressed.
considering that it's the eve of xmas eve too.
i guess life just goes on.
and for me, i can't do anything more
but to make sure at least part of my life goes according to plan.
then somehow try to deal with the other parts that screwed up.

BUT ANYWAY since life's gonna be like that no matter how much i complain.
i might as well live it in my style.
and return to the normal daily crappings i have whenever i open my mouth (or start to type-- which is worse).

ehhh..
i want longer holidays.
i can't finish my homework, for god's sake.
the lit readings are driving me crazy.
and i wanna revise!!!
YES I WANNA REVISE!!!!
but no time!!!
*bawls*

i know i'll get it when i'm back in school.
the work will just start to pile.
the mountain of history notes will just get higher and higher.
and the amount of stuff i have to squeeze into my small brain will spark off lots of 'internal explosions' .
then finally leave me totally blanked out when the exams come.

which means that i will totally not have time to think about JC1 work.
which means that i should probably start revising now.
which means that i should actually start a petition for longer holidays.
which could also mean that i should get singaporean students to go on strike like the new york transit workers.
so we can all have more time for homework and revision.
=)

but then...
i want more of hippo too.
*frowns*
urgh. life.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Monday, December 19, 2005

5:11 PM

lalala

currently listening to: Nothing
[I Don't Hear My Brother's Voice]

so the economics holiday homework is the economics project?
am i right??
okay now i realise.
gosh i am such a spongehead.

erm, let's see.
i haven't read vathek and frankenstein.
i haven't done any revision for any subject.
i haven't done the history essay question mr gay gave last week.
[plus i left my notes in school]
i haven't done the economics project.

*stares at schedule*
okay is it possible to do all these within 2 days?
i seriously have no more time lah.
[plus i need to read my newly-bought mangas too]
haiz.

i figured that if i were to revise,
i should prolly start on history right?
since economics concepts can be pumped into my head if i cram for a week or two.
[my theory]
and chinese standards cannot be easily raised by simply reading a few storybooks.
and i'm prolly gonna give up on literature in the long-run anyway.
and math... math? maybe they'll kindly give us a recap next year and it'll all come flooding into my head again.
[once again, my theory]
and general paper... i think i most i can do is to read the newspapers everyday.
[my theory again]

SO HISTORY IS THE STUPID SUBJECT I CAN'T DO LAST-MINUTES FOR.

argh. leave it.
to the hospital first.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

11:15 PM

super duper wooper cranky

currently listening to: The Phone Ringing
[I Will Never Pick It Up]

GRRRRRR.
i am damn vexed now.
spent the entire evening calling people here and there.
call and call and call and call.
so many stuff to set dates and meetings for.
so many people's schedules to comply with.
call call call call.
i just wanna sleep larr.
*tears out hair*

worse thing is that things simply refuse to be fixed.
not the place. not the date. not the time. not the people.

what's happening!?
the whole world moving too fast!!
i don't mind making a few sacrifices.
to cancel or skip or 'forget' about things in order to prioritize my stuff.
to spend lots of time and money if things can be settled.
i don't mind even if one or two people cannot make it (unless it's the pigs meet).
i can understand perfectly. such things are perfectly normal.
and there are still others right?

BOOOO.
what others?
no others. nobody can make it.
not on any time any day any place.

if it's only one meeting then i don't mind.
i mean one group out of so many,
it's okay right? i can understand completely.
but no.
almost all the groups can't make it.
DIFFERENT groups too.
IT'S ALL HAPPENING AT THE SAME TIME.

and i hate it when i naively think that things are finally settled after spending much time and effort,
but it turns out there will always be something that spoils it in the end.
be it so-so who suddenly remembers an event on that time slot.
or something-something that suddenly crops up that day.
or so-so who decides not to turn up after all without even bothering to give a call or sms.
or so-so who refuses to pick up the phone forcing me to believe that it's been stolen.

the whole world's just so 'accidental'.
i know it happens but throw it to me in the face again and again
and i will really just blow up.

okay.
so when things don't work i get cranky.
really cranky.
i wanna cut off the telephone lines.
literally. using the big butcher knife ya.

luckily i managed to piece the pigs meet together.
though i have absolutely no idea what we're suppose to do when we meet.
out of so many so many dates, the 7 of us can only make it together on ONE day.
move it earlier it's gone. push it later it's gone too.
that's lucky.
i really think so.
but i've been through too much to be happy about this.
something will definitely happen that day.
i don't know what.
but definitely.
and then i'll start tearing out my hair again.
the world is too... impromptu.

i'm never gonna get involved again.
not in class. not in ccas. not gatherings. not outings. not reunions.
not anything that requires me to lead.
i'm definitely NOT the leader type.
not the type that can handle so many people.
so next time i should just shut up and not talk so much.
what's with all the 'hey u guys wanna do this?' and 'what do u guys think if we did this?'
why can't i just shut my gap.

when you say something, you are responsible for it girl.
and when you say it first, that's it.
so from now on try to act like you have throat cancer please.
*talking to myself*

i think i realised this long ago.
but it's still too late cuz things are things already.
i think i'm doing a better job now in JC.
new people so i can just shut up (shy mah).
and so i don't get dragged much into such stuff.
the only wrong step was agreeing to help out with the thc stuff one day.
bang! i didn't even know that it will mean that i'll be the MC.
but still it's not too bad since the interact exco is much more taxing.
thank god i went for the china trip when they selected the exco.
otherwise i may suffer from hair loss already.
(from *tears out hair*-ing too much)

count myself lucky to have had 2 weeks of time slacking around at home.
i have absolutely no idea why i thought that i was having too little outings.
when they come, they come in a PACK.
i will never ever think that i am too free again.

okay.
so i admit that i'm easily stressed-out.
but that's me.
i can get headaches even from being a teeny weeny lit rep!!!
argh.
i think some counselling is in order.
i have the desire to be away from my world.

where are you when i need someone to complain to.
i don't want you far away.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Monday, December 12, 2005

12:31 AM

feeling rosti-ish

currently listening to: The Leaking Tap [The Toilet in the Kitchen]

I WANNA EAT ROSTI~~~~~~~

*chants*
rosti rosti rosti rosti rosti rosti rosti rosti rosti
rosti rosti rosti rosti rosti rosti rosti rosti rosti
rosti rosti rosti rosti rosti rosti rosti rosti rosti
rosti rosti rosti rosti rosti rosti rosti rosti rosti

marche's one preferred.
*drools*

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Friday, December 09, 2005

3:05 PM

okay.

currently listening to: Oborozudkiyo~ Inori [Mika Nakashima]

okay.
okay.
okay.

there's only 3 weeks of holidays left.
i've only completed GP (other than the reading logs).

i haven't finished Vathek.
i haven't finished The Country Wife.
i haven't touched on the literature essays.
i haven't touched on the chinese project.
if i remember correctly, there's an economics project as well.

okay.
this is kinda bad.
and i haven't done any revision for any of the subjects too.

xinyi!!
what are you trying to do har???
A Level next year leh!!
3 more weeks school again leh!!
and you haven't even finish your homework!!
wanna die ar!?!?

plus there's the pigs xmas outing to organise.
and the lamer gang's xmas outing too.
and the xmas gift exchange with juliana and regina.
and the THC homecoming party rsvp and games to deal with.
and the Interact Caroling and Home Visits.
and the History Lectures (which clashes with the home visits).
and so many things that i wanna do but haven't done (like cutting my hair. it's been a year!!)

okay.
so what have i been doing for the past 4 weeks.
*tries to recollect*
eh...

.......

okay.
save for the first 2 weeks of outing, the next two weeks were spent in bed and in front of the telly.

xinyi!!!!
*faints in frustration*

preciousss time wassted. [says it in Gollum's way]
*prances around like gollum*

okay.
it's official.
i'm suffering from the pre-school nervous breakdown.
3 weeks!!!

but it also means that i'll be able to see macey after 3 weeks.
=X

okay.
this is kinda ironic.
mixed feelings.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

4:39 PM

--cranky--

currently listening to: Oborozudkiyo~ Inori [Mika Nakashima]


....
my blogger is in jap.
-____-"


---------------------------



Oborodzukiyo ~Inori
Mika Nakashima

Na no hana batake ni irihi usure
Miwatasu yama no ha
Kasumi fukashi.
Harukaze soyofuku sora wo mireba,
Yuuduki kakarite nioi awashi

Satowa no hokage mo, mori no iro mo,
Tanaka no komichi wo tadoru hito mo,
Kawazu no naku ne mo,kane no oto mo,
Sanagara kasumeru oborodzukiyo

Kiite kiite
Hitomi tojitara
Kaze no hoshi no
Uta ga kikoeru

Na no hana batake ni irihi usure
Miwatasu yama no ha
Kasumi fukashi.
Harukaze soyofuku sora wo mireba,
Yuuduki kakarite nioi awashi

Haruka haruka
Tooi mirai ni
Tsuyoku tsuyoku
Kagayaki hanete

Subete subete
Haha naru daichi
Ikite ikite
Kono mune no naka

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Monday, December 05, 2005

5:59 PM

很长。很烦。很啰嗦。你看不懂的啦。别读别读。

currently listening to: 瓦解 [南拳妈妈]

最近真是想了很多。
也不是啦。应该是感到很不解吧。
不了解为什么自己会有那种想法，那种担忧，那种行为。
可能是在家里闷了太久，脑袋里想的都不知道是什么东西。
但就是对自己很不满意呀。

仔细看一看自己所有的行为举止，便会觉得自己实在不是什么好东西啊。

“hypocrites who are fond of showing off right into her face yet whines to her for help whenever they have problems”

这是我最讨厌的行为之一。
但自己又何尝不是持着这种“无事不登三宝殿”的态度呢？
或许我从不在朋友面前这样（又或许我的确有这样的时候但自己却不知道），但在家里我的这种“精神”真是发挥得淋漓尽致。
天啊~~ 难道我真的有双重人格？？

但我想这可能是自己潜意识的自我防卫。
因为自己知道若不对他人友善，那也别想他们会在有困难时帮助你。
所以对朋友就只有用尽心思去对待，尽量不要凸现自己的缺点。
因此自己很少向别人倾诉，烦恼时就是一张黑脸。
全都是因为自己得不到安全感。

但在家里就不同。
因为知道自己一定没事，所以就完全不管。
不管就变成了生疏，生疏就变成了封闭。
封闭在大家眼里就变成了高傲，自己当然也生气，变得不理不睬的。
那也等于自己必须挨骂挨打。
因为在我家，没礼貌你就完蛋。
可是却也有不得不依靠家里的时候。
那个时候就完全觉得自己是多么的虚伪。

哎~~~~

不断不断的封闭，自己也变得很没胆了。
越大越没胆呀~~~
小时候还没那么糟糕，还算可以到处“称兄道弟”。
但年级越大， 朋友就变得越来越少。
现在就连认识自己，自己也认识的人也不敢搭讪了。

可能因为大家都长大了，也都有更多的顾虑。
因此都不肯主动踏出第一步。
所以我好羡慕能够主动交朋友的人啊~~

最近就有朋友终于主动踏出第一步，认识了一直想认识的‘朋友’！
omedeto!!
嘿~~ 真是值得高兴的一件事~
但我什么时候才能和她一样呢？
难道真的要等到快要失去的时候才会这样吗??

tokidoki wa setsunakutte
tokidoki wa kurushikutte
kakeyotte dakishimete tsutaetai

但我想就算真到了那时候我也不会做些什么的。
哎~~~ 真可恶。

虽然我想也应该是时侯做些什么了，但最后我一定会半途而废。
性格哪有那么容易就可以改变的啊？

啊啊~~ 今天真是心情差的一天哩。

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Friday, December 02, 2005

10:05 PM

*sigh*

currently listening to: 思念 [龚诗嘉]

每过热闹一天
感觉又离开自己多一点
回忆越来越繁琐
一点一滴失去了你
天空拥挤
有着不同的梦却是一样透不过气
在忙乱时候又错过了季节的转移

每当寂寞来袭
在陌生夜里
偶尔也想着该坚持或放弃
不必伤感不必哭泣
黎明会来临
学着珍惜

生命会有奇遇
相爱或别离
也许在某天会发现它意义
思念却一直有种魔力
让累了的心一直能继续
我累了的心一直能继续

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Thursday, December 01, 2005

11:12 PM

steewwpid sino vcds

currently listening to: I Think I [Fullhouse]

i spent... the entire day watching shaman king.
5/21 discs covered so far.
i have SO MUCH more to go.
but the vcds are threatening to die on me any moment.
i get blurred images, crackling voices, jumping scenes, and polka dots and squares everywhere.

I SHALL NEVER BUY VCDS FROM SINO AGAIN.

it's so blatantly pirated.
plus it killed the enjoyment and ruined so many exciting moments for me!!

the scene flashes and there we are at the cemetery where Yoh and Faust battle during the qualifying round for the Shaman Meet...
Faust smiles pervertedly at Yoh and reaches out to make a mess of Manta's brain...
Yoh struggles to rid himself of the tens of skeletons that are holding him back...
his eyes widen in horror as he witnessed Faust reaching out for Manta's head....
Manta screams in fright...
*poof*

the screen blurs, cracks, polka dots and squares appear everywhere..
and we see Yoh and Horohoro arguing at the dinnertable.
a scene that had happened 10 minutes ago.

....
......
.........

in the end i have no idea what happened to Yoh and Manta
(although it's kinda obvious that they will survive the ordeal).

ARGH!!!!
it keeps happening!!

*stares*

no more vcds from sino.
strictly dvd only.
*nods head*

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。