the paronoia phase

currently listening to: Nana Iro [Fujiki Naohito]

what's happening to me larr.
i'm kinda put off by my reactions.
i'm acting like some kinda overwhelmed idiot.
grinning like an idiot, laughing like an idiot, looking like an idiot.
control, xinyi. control.
i'm not really like that am i??
whatever happened to pride and dignity.
ok, new start ok.

i'm soooo gonna flunk my chinese promos. can't believe the crap i came up with for my essay-- why didn't i do the narrative one???? *smacks myself* and paper 2... a waste of my time and effort. the words came out and i've seen them in my revision before... somewhere in my revision before but i forgot what they meant. *tears out hair*

there goes the will-never-exist-in-the-next-hundred-years A i was aiming for my Chinese A. i doubt i can even clinch a B. *bawls*

gone... it's gone. WAN LE.

the paranoia phase. the much-dreaded promotional exams are coming up in a week's time and i haven't started on ANYTHING apart from math. and the middle part of the Russian Revolution (then mr gay said to study the LATER part. *bangs head against wall*). and a bit on Chinese Literature cuz i was mugging for the test i had last week. THAT'S ALL.

what about the french revolution, and the new imperialism, and the industrial revolution that added up is prolly equivalent due a year's worth of worksheets i had in Sec 4. what about the Monk, Jekyll and Hyde, Silas Marner, Castle of Otranto and all the other stupid gothic readings that i think i lost. what about economics and all the gibberish about market failure, pareto optimality, market structures, collusion, government intervention etc etc???

nope. they're still somewhere in the shelves getting themselves coated with dust.

and GP. my marks have been halved... quartered... whatever. i am failing my GP!!!! what's happening what's happening??? *paranoia*

yep. this is the retribution from indulging myself in hippos. (snap out of it!)
from stuffing myself with food once i get home.
from sleeping 14 whole hours on weekends.
from drawing on worksheets during classes.
from daydreaming about the end-of-year holidays.
from staring into space while attempting to complete my homework.
from laying my hands on the computer once i have the chance.
from looking at too much of w-inds. and KAT-TUN.
from gawking at the telly and Jap dramas.
from...
from...
from...
alot of things.

and aidil messaged me around 0130 asking whether there is mentoring today and i saw the message only at 0700!!! *slaps myself* lucky that he didn't wait for mentoring or i would have shot myself on the spot 5 minutes ago. i am such a baaaad mentor larr. i should resign. gimme the sack. kick me out of the mentoring room. bar me from entering the renewal centre. do it!!

i seriously think that i am being bothered by too many things. too distracted. that i can't think straight cuz i'm thinking of a hundred million other stuff at the same time. my brain's being stuffed with all sorts of stuff. possibly... information overload!!! and useless information at that. things like...

i think the fan's making too much noise.
maybe they should print the worksheets out with recycled paper.
they should give us sleeping periods in the afternoon.
that ms tay's skirt is too short.
i should try playing soccer one day.
i just remembered that XiaoS is pregnant.
etc.
trivial stuff.
but they are in my MIND!!!
talk about being pathetic.

so i should go meditate or something like that. whatever the monks do in monasteries (i'm not talking about what Ambrosio does in The Monk hor. PLEASE lar.) so that i can achieve a tranquil state of mind of something. dispel all thoughts! concentrate! enter the oblivion! and then you'll gain immortality?? err. abit too far hor. just so long as i can get back on track and i'm happy.

but i think i'll fall asleep while meditating.

-__________-"

arghh.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。