refuge

currently listening to: Silence [And Enjoying It]

I feel like a little girl
Trying to conquer the whole wide world

was super irritated just now when i was rudely shocked into consciousness from my sleep by my mother's relentless yells and screams. i'm lying on the bed right in front of her and yet she's there screaming and cursing at the maid who's about one living room's length away. no sense of consideration at all, really. and i am fuming.

I can be free
I can be free from this place
Beautiful Healer
Beautiful Grace
Help me to see
Everything fall into place

as usual the yells set off a series of chain effects. firstly the maid came running in flustered and i was rudely awaken. then my naggy grandmother started to question my brother about what's happening. and my brother HAD to explain so explicitly that the maid was at fault, thereby giving my granny a chance to release all her "suppressed" complaints in one loooong shot and apparently worsening the sitation that was already attracting many onlookers next door.

I often feel like that i'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
why i should give up

next came a series of "WHY YOU BREAK MY GLASSES!?!?!?", "WHY YOU LIE TO ME!?!?!?", "THEN YOU PAY!!!!", "I DON'T CARE!!!!" and "STOP GIVING ME EXCUSES!!!" that repeated themselves at varying volumes as if wanting us to judge the version that was the most intimidating. my grandmother, at this point of time, played the 'important role' of voicing out her complaints to us and commenting how bad and horrible the maid was. all these still even after we've changed 4 maids in a year.

Noise keeps chasing me
No matter where i go
Oh and life likes pretending that it's
On a tv show

i realised that there was no way i could stay on the bed anymore so i took my hippo and angrily plonked myself in front of my math homework and TRIED to concentrate...
"TELL ME WHY!!!"
"the maid is really horrible.. when i go to the market with her she..."
"DON'T TELL ME YOU DIDN'T SEE!!!"
"everytime she talk here talk there as if she's so popular..."
"I TELL YOU U BETTER PAY I TELL U!!!"
"i told you that she's no good already.. i just can't stand her i tell u..."
.......

Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling

if i had heard one more word and i'll definitely scream and start throwing things around. but that that would have been in exchange for a sleep-deprived night where my mother will start digging up all the "wrongs" i'd done since the day i was born and it will go on FOREVER. so clever me decided to indulge myself in music and i turned on my discman at full blast while attempting my math. i must really commend on my decision to buy this Corrinne May album with lynette the day before.

I heard the news today
Now I'm trying to find my place
I'm just a single voice
What can i do to erase

everytime there was an interval between the tracks i'd be thinking: "SAVE ME!! Corrine May please SING!!!" and when the song starts i'll be nodding my head and thinking: "yep. block out all that noise! thanks sooo much." funnily, besides the sweet voice of Corrinne May and the lovely music that was being transmitted into my ears, the lyrics seemed to be speaking to me too.

Let it go
Let it go
Dont waste all your emotion on this
tit-for-tat machine

in this way, i successfully 'escaped' from all the destestable rants and yells and managed to finish part of my math homework. PART of it because half the time i was pondering over the lyrics of the songs and staring into space. escape was at the expense of PART of my hearing, of course.

Wake me from dreaming
No more deceiving
Break these chains

anyway today was Teacher's Day. TPJC concert was quite entertaining, and all 3 emcees (including Hairianto) looked really cute in their costumes. the stupid thing was that it ended at 12.30pm so by the time i reached haising, all the teachers had already left for a staff lunch at Sakura. wandering around the school was nostalgic, as usual, especially when you're with your clique. have the nagging feeling still that everything and everyone has changed, and our priorities are not the same anymore. nostalgia is an easy word to use to express one's utmost wish to turn back time, but looking at it realistically from where and who we are right now, is it really? is the wish to reverse everything really the most immediate and important thought that we have right now?

Here's to all the years we've shared together
All the fun we've had

nostalgia will forever be just a shield that we subconsciously dethrone until we face serious problems.

Dont count the years, just count the way
It takes a little time to go from water into wine
Dont ever lose the wonder of that child within your eyes

maybe for now the sense of nostalgia is still blurry. but maybe 40 years down the road, when there's a gathering and all of us walk back on the different paths we've taken, it will be only something for us to savour but want not to relive once again. cuz there's no need to anymore.

Don't worry about that extra line
That's creeping up upon your face
It's just a part of nature's way to say you've grown a little more

back to math.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。