refuge

currently listening to: Silence [And Enjoying It]

I feel like a little girl
Trying to conquer the whole wide world

was super irritated just now when i was rudely shocked into consciousness from my sleep by my mother's relentless yells and screams. i'm lying on the bed right in front of her and yet she's there screaming and cursing at the maid who's about one living room's length away. no sense of consideration at all, really. and i am fuming.

I can be free
I can be free from this place
Beautiful Healer
Beautiful Grace
Help me to see
Everything fall into place

as usual the yells set off a series of chain effects. firstly the maid came running in flustered and i was rudely awaken. then my naggy grandmother started to question my brother about what's happening. and my brother HAD to explain so explicitly that the maid was at fault, thereby giving my granny a chance to release all her "suppressed" complaints in one loooong shot and apparently worsening the sitation that was already attracting many onlookers next door.

I often feel like that i'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
why i should give up

next came a series of "WHY YOU BREAK MY GLASSES!?!?!?", "WHY YOU LIE TO ME!?!?!?", "THEN YOU PAY!!!!", "I DON'T CARE!!!!" and "STOP GIVING ME EXCUSES!!!" that repeated themselves at varying volumes as if wanting us to judge the version that was the most intimidating. my grandmother, at this point of time, played the 'important role' of voicing out her complaints to us and commenting how bad and horrible the maid was. all these still even after we've changed 4 maids in a year.

Noise keeps chasing me
No matter where i go
Oh and life likes pretending that it's
On a tv show

i realised that there was no way i could stay on the bed anymore so i took my hippo and angrily plonked myself in front of my math homework and TRIED to concentrate...
"TELL ME WHY!!!"
"the maid is really horrible.. when i go to the market with her she..."
"DON'T TELL ME YOU DIDN'T SEE!!!"
"everytime she talk here talk there as if she's so popular..."
"I TELL YOU U BETTER PAY I TELL U!!!"
"i told you that she's no good already.. i just can't stand her i tell u..."
.......

Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling

if i had heard one more word and i'll definitely scream and start throwing things around. but that that would have been in exchange for a sleep-deprived night where my mother will start digging up all the "wrongs" i'd done since the day i was born and it will go on FOREVER. so clever me decided to indulge myself in music and i turned on my discman at full blast while attempting my math. i must really commend on my decision to buy this Corrinne May album with lynette the day before.

I heard the news today
Now I'm trying to find my place
I'm just a single voice
What can i do to erase

everytime there was an interval between the tracks i'd be thinking: "SAVE ME!! Corrine May please SING!!!" and when the song starts i'll be nodding my head and thinking: "yep. block out all that noise! thanks sooo much." funnily, besides the sweet voice of Corrinne May and the lovely music that was being transmitted into my ears, the lyrics seemed to be speaking to me too.

Let it go
Let it go
Dont waste all your emotion on this
tit-for-tat machine

in this way, i successfully 'escaped' from all the destestable rants and yells and managed to finish part of my math homework. PART of it because half the time i was pondering over the lyrics of the songs and staring into space. escape was at the expense of PART of my hearing, of course.

Wake me from dreaming
No more deceiving
Break these chains

anyway today was Teacher's Day. TPJC concert was quite entertaining, and all 3 emcees (including Hairianto) looked really cute in their costumes. the stupid thing was that it ended at 12.30pm so by the time i reached haising, all the teachers had already left for a staff lunch at Sakura. wandering around the school was nostalgic, as usual, especially when you're with your clique. have the nagging feeling still that everything and everyone has changed, and our priorities are not the same anymore. nostalgia is an easy word to use to express one's utmost wish to turn back time, but looking at it realistically from where and who we are right now, is it really? is the wish to reverse everything really the most immediate and important thought that we have right now?

Here's to all the years we've shared together
All the fun we've had

nostalgia will forever be just a shield that we subconsciously dethrone until we face serious problems.

Dont count the years, just count the way
It takes a little time to go from water into wine
Dont ever lose the wonder of that child within your eyes

maybe for now the sense of nostalgia is still blurry. but maybe 40 years down the road, when there's a gathering and all of us walk back on the different paths we've taken, it will be only something for us to savour but want not to relive once again. cuz there's no need to anymore.

Don't worry about that extra line
That's creeping up upon your face
It's just a part of nature's way to say you've grown a little more

back to math.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

10:53 PM

blank

currently listening to: Hen Xiang Ni [Some Guy From Jue Dui Superstar]

i realised that i'm rather confused.
no idea what to do or what to think.
it's amazing how some people can look so at peace and contented wih their lot.
they say that a picture tells a thousand words.
but is it really true?
can someone be smiling and crying at the same time?
all these interior and exterior thingys are really making me blurred.
i am suddenly being overwhelmed by some kinda emotion.
i can't even describe it.
that's how confused i am.
i really dunno.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Monday, August 29, 2005

8:34 PM

a series of unfortunate events

currently listening to: Glamorous Sky [Mika Nakashima]

i am just soo glad that today is over.

getting only 4 hours of rest today was definitely a miscalculation on my part. only 4hours of dreamsville in preparation for one whole day of drudgery. what was i thinking.

it started from 12am in the morning (or midnight. whatever.), when i was glueing my eyes to the computer for a number of reasons. one of them being, of course, my daily dosage of w-inds. and KAT-TUN, and another being the GP presentation that huichun, jingfang, lynette and i had rushed like mad yesterday till 10am in the night at jf's house. besides the few hours of precious sleep i had today, the next BEST thing that ever happened to me was that MINNA NO TEREBI videos were available for download!!! *wahahaha*

yeah so i was busy indulging myself in the crappy world of KAT-TUN while waiting for JingFang to send me the GP presentation file. but all good things have to come to an end. the file came at near 1am and so it was time to work again. *cries out loud*

i thought that the worst thing that could possible happen today was me screwing up the GP presentation. in a way, it did happen. but not entirely cuz it's just that we didn't research thoroughly on some of the case studies and ended up looking like lost misconceptionists in front of the whole class. not that it matters, of course. it's just that a whole saturday spent on the project at the expense of my 12-hour sleeping routine and in the end we didn't do an entirely great job. and oooooh how much i hate presenting in front of so many people.

i hate presentations. i am reinstating this point.

but the GP presentation thingy wasn't the worst thing that happened today. the entire day was filled with the uncovering of the ugly sides of people all around me. why can't people just be like what they seem from the exterior? why must there be an inner side? totally couldn't control myself when it is already such a bad day and such things have to happen. it wasn't an obligation for us to do it, and yet when we did it for people who has a NEED for it, they simply bite us back as if we were doing it to lessen our burdens and were pushing responsibilites to them when they were supposed to have taken the initiative in the first place. did they actually get what the situation was then?

it doesn't pay to be kind. but never mind, i'm over it.

PE today was... the toughest PE lesson i ever had since the day i stepped into TPJC. i had never done so many push-ups or jumping jills or krutches in TPJC before. imagine the state i was in after PE-- the result of neglecting exercise for 5 whole months.

then it was the reynolds incident AGAIN. i finally mustered enough courage to knock on his door to ask him about the venue for our make-up lesson, and got splashed in the face instead. and despite me asking so many times and him giving long paragraphs as answers, he still didn't answer my question. maybe he was trying to demonstrate to me what we shouldn't do in essays. --i am trying to be nice.

the entire class of 05a02 'stalked' mr reynolds today because he refused to tell us where we were suppose to have our make-up lessons. imagine the entire class of notorious noise-makers silently trailing mr reynolds from a distance, whispering and laughing to ourselves while feeling confused and uncertain about the whole 'atmosphere' of the situation. we went up... and down... and up again... and left... and right... only to end up outside the General Office where he conveniently entered his office.

i think we have successfully created a legend in TPJC.

in the end, the lesson was still conducted and i have to admit that i wasn't that bad at all. maybe not for the first 40 minutes cuz we were fed with an ultra-strong dosage of sarcasm amidst the 'formal tone', 'nonchalant mood' and 'tensed atmosphere'. but the later part on the intepretation of the poem wasn't so bad. it actually got me quite intrigued about the working of language. wow, what a miracle. seriously.

yep so the lesson dragged till 6pm in the evening. the morning and afternoon sessions added up together to form my longest day in TPJC. lessons after lessons, mood swings after mood swings, disappointments after disappointments. all these crap while i was trying to cope with the state of being half-awake and half-dead for the whole day. even the wait for the idiotic bus no. 21 had to be sooo long. there is something seriously wrong with school life, or maybe it's just a bad day.

expecting another day full of crap tomorrow. shall finish up my differentiation and start on my 12-hour sleeping routine. life is really..... URGH.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Thursday, August 25, 2005

7:28 PM

IZAYOI NO TSUKI!!

currently listening to: Izayoi no Tsuki [w-inds.]

w-inds. latest PV- Izayoi no Tsuki!!! KAKKOI!!!!













it's story-based again, but this time with dancing! the dance isn't as rigorous as what they used to have but it did create an entirely different impression of them. *bliss* i was like-- whoa! look at that! when i saw them dance. you must see it for yourself. you must you MUST YOU MUST. *psyching*




oh and ryuichi dyed his hair gold this time, plus he switched positions with ryohei too. erm, as usual all my attention was on the centre of the screen (KEITA-KUN!!) and when i caught sight of a golden-coloured head bobbing up and down on his left i actually thought it was ryohei. *slaps myself* i mean, ryuichi has NEVER dyed his hair! you must pardon me for the mistake. ^^



i'm floating on air right now~ lalalala~~~

ok back to chinese compo. i feel like just hugging my computer and never let go *sobx*.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Thursday, August 18, 2005

11:31 PM

blocked

currently listening to: Nothing [Can't Hear Anything]

my nose is blocked.
my ears are blocked.
my throat is blocked.
my brain is blocked too.
everywhere's blocked.
i am deprived of oxygen.
HALP!!!

*sniff*sniff*

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Sunday, August 14, 2005

9:56 PM

i wonder..

currently listening to: Izayoi no Tsuki [w-inds.]

i wonder if he recognises me
the irritating girl who sat beside him during Primary 2
the math-idiot who sat right in front of him during Primary 3
i wonder if he remembers telling me about his best friend
and the times we tried to sing the entire 'Lemon Tree' song when we didn't know the lyrics
so we ended up repeating the same verses over and over again

turning turning turning turning turning around~~

even if he does recognise me
will it be the images of me trying frantically to copy his math homework?
or is it the scene where i got whacked on the butt by the Math teacher just because i didn't know how to solve the sum?
or maybe it was the time when i selfishly pushed his things to a corner because it was crossing into my 'territory' [my desk]

wow not exactly the stuff i want him to remember though
but at least it would mean that he does recall

somehow i can't recall that he had ever called me by my name
how exactly did we communicate?
i recall pieces of math worksheets... english grammar exercise books... yellow shaker pens... and him telling me that he's a freetinkle

i wonder where i was sitting before he suddenly got posted to our class
vaguely remember the teacher saying that he'd joined the wrong class
then suddenly, for some reason i can't seem to remember
we were sitting next to each other at the back of the classroom

so quiet
speaks so softly
hardly noticeable somehow
finishes his homework at a super fast speed
always manages to finish and hand in his homework on time
even if he's absent from school
he'd give his homework to me the day before
not for me to copy (sadly)
but for me to hand it in for him
-____-

imagine my surprise when he did that
but it really made me respect him after that
the first model student i ever came across

i really wonder if he recognises me?
the girl with the super short hair and tanned skin
who was so notoriously known in class as the math idiot
who steps on the math teacher's toes all the time
i think english lessons are the only lessons that i ever get praised by the teacher
and she'll be saying:
"xinyi.. you are such a sweet girl. totally different from your brother!"
i refuse to believe that the judgement was passed only in comparison with my brother

erm.. i went out of point.

despite all these wonderings about whether he recognises me
i realised that i don't really want him to
why?
might be because i probably left a bad impression on him
but something tells me it's more than that

if he suddenly came over and acknowledged me
then he wouldn't be the same guy i knew 8 years ago
he will never do that
and that's the way i'll want him to stay

maybe it's more of a deep sense of respect
the sense of amazement towards his character and upbringing
that was an eye-opener for the seven-year-old that i was then
the first experience of being 'impressed'
by someone of the same age as me

then it was the astonishment of being in the same college with him
a situation that i had never expected
then it all came back
the deep sense of admiration and respect
the scenes of us bickering with each other
yet having fun at the same time as desk partners

yep
how much i wish that it will remain that way
but there's only slightly more than a year left

it's still another source of motivation though
which i so desperately need right now
=)
ganbaru na, xinyi!!

Lemon Tree
Fool's Garden

I'm sitting here in the boring room
It's just another rainy Sunday afternoon
I'm wasting my time, I got nothing to do
I'm hanging around, I'm waiting for you
But nothing ever happens
And I wonder

I'm driving around in my car
I'm driving too fast, I'm driving too far
I'd like to change my point of view
I feel so lonely, I'm waiting for you
But nothing ever happens
And I wonder

I wonder how, I wonder why
Yesterday you told me 'bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see is just a yellow lemon-tree
I'm turning my head up and down
I'm turning turning turning turning turning around
And all that I can see is just another lemon-tree

I'm sitting here, I miss the power
I'd like to go out taking a shower
But there's a heavy cloud inside my head
I feel so tired, put myself into bed
Well, nothing ever happens
And I wonder

Isolation is not good for me
Isolation - I don't want to sit on the lemon-tree
I'm steppin' around in the desert of joy
Baby anyhow I'll get another toy
And everything will happen and you wonder

And I wonder, wonder

I wonder how, I wonder why
Yesterday you told me 'bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see
And all that I can see
And all that I can see
Is just a yellow lemon-tree

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Saturday, August 13, 2005

12:57 PM

feeling helpless

currently listening to: Care (I Know) [Akanishi Jin]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RUIYANG!!!
my cousin's birthday today
=)

new blogskin!
courtesy of xiaoyu, a jimmy liao fan
ok, i'm not that into jimmy's art
but i shall start from here
=)

the fact that i had time to do a new skin
means that i am totally neglecting work
which is currently piling up at the side of my desk
i slept while studying again last night
at 11pm-- i just started
at 11.30pm-- zzZz
barely finished a paragraph and plop!
i'd gone away to dreamland again

why does this keep happening!?!?!?

and my aunt came down with some kinda giddiness yesterday
would have been scary if it was for the first time
i thought that maybe i should do something
but then the way my whole family reacted was just too much
what's wrong with my Grandma showing a little concern for her own daughter
why do they have to shoo her away?
and plus nobody answered the phone when we phoned them for help
the way my family was reacting really DOTS
i got so pissed off i just went into the room with my literature homework
where i plop! and went to sleep
turned out that my aunt got admitted into the hospital yesterday while i was sleeping
made me feel kinda guilty to have slept through all these
but on second thought
i might have made things worse if i stayed
and flew into my tantrum at my family's reaction to Grandma's concern
but my aunt's okay now

will be attempting to complete my assignments
that is, if i don't end up sleeping again
arghh
what's wrong with me?
why can't i just stick my butt to the chair for a few hours??
ok, i'm starting to turn into a pessimist
this saturday just don't feel so great
work~work~work~

oh and did i mention that w-inds.' new single is gonna be out soon!?!?
Izayoi no Tsuki!!!


can't wait~ can't wait~ can't wait~~~

oh and take a look at my dream room
made it out of the Mini Room-Maker
evidence of my slacking away
again
*sobx*

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

12:25 AM

another hsc day

currently listening to: Care (I Know) [Akanishi Jin]

hsc speech day was today!!!

erm. or maybe yesterday. whatever. the point was that the day was rather exhilarating and it really ignited the haisian flame in me that responds to whichever familiar face, familiar voices, familiar places in haising.



i've said it many times over and over again-- i miss haising like a hundred thousand million one times more than anything else, and i'm not gonna stress on how the trip back to school has evoked in me so much unexplainable emotions that i can never express vocally, be it a 9point or a 5.5point. haha.

true that she might not have the best teachers. true that she might not have the best facilities. true that she might not have the best academic records. true that she might not have the best CCA achievements, or the best canteen food. but the people there are more than enough to complement whatever shortcomings she might have, and the memories she wove for us are so much more than we could have asked for. awww... i miss those days.





NDP celebration at TPJC ended at 1030am today and i ended up walking the whole of TM and Century Square with Jiehui and Tingxu before finally meeting Judy and heading for hsc. man, my legs were aching like crazy after the whole thing. as if i had stepped on a lemon-- a lame comment by jiehui. -___-"

i felt pretty uneasy when i was arranged to sit around people whom i didn't know that well, all Meridians to be exact. i was the bit of green out of the blue. *sobx* but the ceremony ended pretty quickly (an hour early) so it wasn't much of a problem. *sigh* my last time seating in that hall.

after that it was chill time. hanging around in the canteen and grabbing cups of water and slapping people on the back and saying hi there and hello long time no see! being surrounded by familiar faces does make a difference-- you just feel that you belong.







oh! mr yap had this robot parade in the canteen and playing NDP songs for us. a portable robot stereo!! err. that's the name i gave it. it did heightened the atmosphere though. =))



but awww... things ended as quickly as it has started. soon we were on our way to the familiar White Sands Shopping Mall. we had dinner at the food court (and was digusted by the standard of the Japanese meal there) then tingxu sent carine home cuz she was feeling really sick. poor girl.

so the remaining 4 of us continued eating... then we met anting the Pipi Wang!!! yeah as you can guess, photo-taking time came naturally (*wahahaha*).







=))
i love my clique.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Sunday, August 07, 2005

11:56 AM

slacking away

currently listening to: Never Again [Kat-tun]

i'm slacking away like nobody's business the whole of this weekend.

ARGH!!!!! what am i doing~!?!?!

2 months more to the promos and a BCEEB4 grade should be more than enough to get me to hit the books right now. but no, i just had to lie on the bed and get myself unconscious for 12 whole hours before panicking and mourning over lost time the next morning. this repeats over and over, week after week, day after day. THE BED IS MY GREATEST CURSE.

but now that wasted time has already been wasted....

Certified fan of Gokusen. Gokusen was sooo touching lah!! i spent the whole week sobbing in front of the telly and drooling at the sight of Kamenashi and Akanishi. ok, that was the initial motivation. but the show proved to be soo much more interesting than what i had expected. if only i had a teacher like Yankumi. *sobx*



yeah but like i was saying, i spent the WHOLE WEEk watching the series so it was at the expense of my homework. gosh, i am really trying hard to be a slack student huh.

was talking to shuying just now and it really brought back lots and lots of memories of acjc. find myself constantly recapping on all those funny ad2 scenes in my mind lately. shuying, minghui, bryan, cavell, angeline, viknesh, yonghan, tessa, shiying, miranda, jasmine, andrina, yati, kenneth, chris, geraldine..

*sigh* memories. so glad to have met them =)

the current a02 is lots of fun too. guess i'll miss them even more than ad2 when JC's finally over. haiz. you will never get to know how to appreciate things before you actually lose them. the workload has been making me want to leave JC so badly, to just take my A levels and never come back again. but now that i think of how a short period of 3 months in acjc can make me feel blessed about actually having such memories, let me just throughly enjoy the remaining time i have in tpjc...

and try to cope with the workload somehow. *sobx*

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Monday, August 01, 2005

9:14 PM

some teachers are just soooooo...

currently listening to: Kizuna [Kamenashi Kazuya]

i feel giving that teacher a tight slap across the face. i hereby declare war to all Geography teachers. *clenches fist*

hmphh. a stupid relief teacher is enough to spoil my day. i can't believe the kind of attitude she has lah! walking in as if she knows us all so well, shooting sarcastic remarks here and there, discriminating Arts students and trying to act our age when she's obviously more than a decade older than us. and the tone she uses on us.... ARGHHHHH!!!!! *slap*slap*slap*!!!

stupid teacher: "are you doing your work"
classmate: "yeah. haha."
stupid teacher: "you use your eyes to do your work har?"

stupid teacher: "so i presume this side are the Arts students lah?"
us: "???"
stupid teacher: "cuz Arts students are suppose to be naughtier right? they are known to be. oh, then these confirm science students! *points to two guys staring at the Hashim Ali book*"
us: .... *clenches fists*

stupid teacher: "how come you don't have your question paper?"
student: "err.."
stupid teacher: " then don't do lah! do for what? can dun do what. * flips hair around and acts like she doesn't care* "

at this point of time i am staring at her with a 'are-you-sure-you-are-a-teacher' kinda look and she obviously noticed my overpowering 'aura' so she walks over.

stupid teacher: "what is this hideous thing here [referring to my drawing on the paper]."
me: "dunno. *writing away and refusing to look at her*"
stupid teacher: "i teach geography you know. from my point of view it looks like the sun."
me: "oh really."
stupid teacher: "yeah it looks like the sun."
me: "oh. ya ok."

so in other words she is saying that the sun we depend on for survival is hideous lah. what a geography teacher.

my day went mouldy because of her. *rolls eyes*

i did saw Macey the Hippo twice though. and i watched Gokusen 2 today!!! *jumps around in joy* life isn't so bad after all.... except for the fact that BE insights presentation is on this Wednesday.

dots. there always has to be something that spoils my day.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。