surreality

currently listening to: Love Me No More [Bardot]

sometimes i wonder if everything's for real.

not that i am currently living a sweet, blissful life that makes me question its existence, of course. anybody who has been reading my blog knows that i am going through a phase of receding hairlines, permantly damaged brain and senses, paralysing limbs and everything you can imagine. in other words, i am on the verge of losing it. i seriously need more determination to persevere through these 2 years. god help me.

somehow, among all the stress and headaches, i manage to squeeze out time to think about what really is happening to me.

JC1 student in TPJC.
4 As, 2 AOs
hates literature but takes literature
hates math but takes math
sitting for A Levels in less than 2 years time.

it just seems so unreal to me. is this really happening? every single day i am living it-- my life as a JC student, coping with 7 subjects and trying to find space to breath by sticking to closer friends in the class. the feeling... it's something i have not yet the ability to explain.

it's all so surreal.

am i really going to take literature for the rest of my JC life? am i really going to mentor secondary school students when i barely have time for myself? am i really going to sit for 7 subjects when i am not smart at all?

i can visualise the events that may occur. sitting through extremely torturing literature lessons, mentoring students and trying to 'step into their lives and make a difference', and telling everyone 2 years later that i had sat for 7 subjects in JC. every image is clear in my mind, yet they seem unreal. it's as if i'm looking at a movie of someone else's life. someone else who's suppose to be me, yet it is the absence of recognition that confuses me, takes away my confidence, and makes me question and question again and again.

i sit at the canteen table, stare into space and begin wondering: what the hell am i doing here?
i sit in class and try to attempt the comprehension paper, thinking: is it really true that i am a JC student now, due for A levels in less than 2 years time?
i wash my hands after visiting the toilet, stare at my reflection for a few moments: why am i even here?
i stand at the bus-stop under the sweltering heat of the sun and questioned: is this all for real?

everything becomes blurry. be it times that i laugh, i joke, i smile, i sulk. why is it that i don't really feel anything inside? why is it that my body responds so naturally, yet the inner part of me acts as if it's far far away from reality?

all the schoolwork and projects and examinations seem to be just something that i have to do. i don't question, don't think, don't avoid. i am just blindly doing my homework without realising why i am doing it, or why i have to do it. imagine me sitting at the table writing away, as if i am completely immersed in my work, yet i can't answer if you start asking me anything about what i am working on.

the fact is that i am far far away. simply following my routine. detached from reality and unsure of what's going to happen. or maybe i'm getting the senile at an early age.

i used to have a motivation that pushes me ahead, forcing me to be be confident of the future because i wanted to realise that particular dream. but i have given up this motivation, and the experience has made me completely fearful of having it again. yet the absense of it makes my present predicament.

irony. maybe it's just an interval. but i don't want a similar motivation anymore.

confusing thoughts. haha. let me just introduce my new 'craze': the Cadbury Advertisement Song! i've been singing it over and over and over in school.


"Wouldn't It Be Nice"
Cadbury Advertisement Campaign

Postie
Wouldn't it be nice if the world was Cadbury
Chocolate roads and trees 'n' birds 'n' bees
Delivering all kinds of letters daily
Every kind of purple parcel too
And if the dog did try and grab a mouth full
You can bite him back, he'll taste delightful
Wouldn't it be nice.!

Surfer
Wouldn't it be nice if the world was Cadbury
You could surf inside a chocolate tube
Ride your board across the wave forever
Get wiped out and never get a bruise.
And if a shark cam up and tried to bite you
You could say "I'm chocolate I invite you"
Wouldn't it be nice!

Soccer
Wouldn't it be nice if the world was Cadbury
You could be a soccer super star
The referee would blow his chocolate whistle
A shot on goal would even break the bar
And if you went and scored the winner
You'd win the cup and eat it for your dinner
Wouldn't it be nice!

Car
Wouldn't it be nice if the world was Cadbury,
Driving in the car would be a tasty treat,
Changing gear would soon become a problem,
Cadbury Dairy Milk is so good to eat.
And when you arrive at your destination,
You'll be greeted with an exclamation,
Wouldn't it be nice!


Economics and Math test tomorrow. again i will be flipping and flipping the pages, while questioning myself whether anything i am going through is for real.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。