Depressing Moments.

currently listening to: Make it Good [A1]

over the week, i've been sitting in front of the computer for too much, too long and too exhaustive a period reading assignment mails, newspaper articles and online lecture notes and forum discussions, that is all part of my homework.

supposedly homework. the teacher encouraged us to do it so i did. but i doubt i absorbed much with my eyes feeling as if a hundred cameras had aimed their flashes at me.

i managed to complete my homework that was due this week. it would have been something worthy of rejoicing only if i had bothered to start on my Econs 10-Yr-Series. i hereby declare a war between me and my Econs 10-Yr-Series-- i am determined not to let it touch me for as long as i can! *punches fist into the air*

BUT! i stand in unfavourable light of losing this war due to the depressing fact that my 'intelligence' has betrayed with a more than pathetic 6/25 for my very first Econs essay, propelled by the even more hurting fact that i had spent 45 minutes on a SINGLE 4-page essay and not managed to finish it in time.

Depressing Moment of the Week Rank No. 2.

what happened to History? had i been possessed by some unexplainable phenomenon when i took my History exams in HSC and managed to complete 2 essays (4-page total) within half an hour???

SOMETHING IS HAPPENING TO ME.

i can envision myself for the next 2 years, sitting in front of my study table and writing furiously away at some Econs essay question while taking occasional glances at the clock to 'encourage' me to speed up because there's only one minute left and i'm barely halfway through the essay. i predict that this event shall commence with the coming of Monday, where the workload for the week will pile itself up.. no, i mean 'miraculously appear' on my homework checklist to send me into a frenzy, where i will subconsciously tear out all of my hair and leave them lying in heaps on the ground.

despite my loud declaration to Pipi that i shall be completing 10 Econs essay over the weekend, i have absolutely no idea how i can finish even a single Econs essay when i can't even understand a thing about the topic. -____-

to summarise the whole of this week in one sentence: a combination of late nights, near-blind eyes, aching arms, embarrassing debate and nosiness on my part (which kind of landed me into a fix). i shall not elaborate on the part on late nights and near-blind eyes, and i'll hit you if you harp on it.

there was this literature debate on Silas Marner and i was unfortunately chosen to be one of the 3 debaters on the side of Raveloe (probably because i was one of the few who actually finished the book. it doesn't pay to be hardworking. i'm telling you.). and yep you guessed it right. I MESSED IT UP.

it started off fine. i was downplaying the points made from the opposition with quite convincing arugements i would say. but as i proceeded on with the points i was going to counter, i went further.... and further... and further.... away from the question. I WENT OUT OF POINT.

we were suppose to support our view that Raveloe will become a 'vibrant and properous society'. i listened to the opposition going on about Lantern Yard being the possibility instead, and noted down all the points that was NOT CORRECT. finally i stood up to talk my piece. i did argued how their points were not correct but...

wrong point: Silas found fellowship in Lantern Yard more than he can in Raveloe.
i said: it isn't true. Silas was betrayed in Lantern Yard, and the Raveloe people comforted him.
the argument: Raveloe is more likely to develop into a 'vibrant and prosperous' society.

now how does the fact that Silas finding fellowship in Raveloe contribute to a 'vibrant and prosperous' society? it was only halfway through my argument that i realised that i went out of point.

we lost the debate in the end. although nobody blamed me, or made any move to imply that i was in the wrong, or gave me irritated looks, i knew that we lost the debate because of me.

that was Depressing Moment of the Week Rank No.1.

next, Depressing Moment of the Week Rank No.3. - the Choir Alumni Meet was SCREWED UP. don't ask. i'm worried that there may not be an alumni performance after all.

these are the Top 3 of the long list of Depressing Moments of the Week. *tears out hair* i am an optimist turning realist turning pessimist.

BUT! i shall be motivating myself towards to RELEASE OF w-inds.' FOURTH ALBUM ON 1/6!!! lalalalala~~~ this is the best thing that happened this week.

to satisfy my required weekly dosage of w-inds. :













dragging my feet to the study table. Project Work brainstorming coming up next.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Monday, April 18, 2005

9:42 PM

tell me. just tell me.

currently listening to: Qian Nian Zhi Lian [FIR]

let me just tear out all my hair.

LET ME DO IT.

2 History Outlines by Wednesday.
1 History Essay by Friday (included in CA).
Unit 1~5+7 of Econs 10-Yr-Series.
Math Tutorial 11 by Wednesday.
GP Summary By Thursday.
Volume II, Chapter II of 'The Monk' by Thursday.
Interact on Wednesday.
Econs Test on Wk 7 & 9.
Project WorkSSS.
more to come.

let me just waste away.
let me just go blind from staring at too many texts.
let me just lose one arm from too much writing.
let me just suffer permanent head damage from thinking too much.
let me just die with the pen in my hand.

so what in the world am i doing here typing away? MIA-ing for the next couple of days...

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

10:20 PM

*tears out hair*

currently listening to: Snow Flower [Little Snow Fairy Sugar]

a JC student who:

dun do work+dun listen in class= good luck.
dun do work+listen in class= ok, so you might have a chance if you're a natural born genius. IF.
does work+dun listen in class= go ahead. vomit them out. maybe it'll get ya a C at least? but you know that's not gonna get you anywhere.
does work+listen in class= admit it, you're a guai kia. you may pass with a better grade of B, but that doesn't mean ya smart. and you'll never go beyond that too.
does work+listen in class+ does EXTRA work= whoa. *bows* how in the world did you find time??? and don't deny that you don't have much friends.

i must be somewhere between the third and the fourth class, and i am sad. i'm not naturally smart, i'm not super duper hardworking, and i didn't pass my time management test either. HOW AM I TO SURVIVE IN A JC???

my logic is, if you're not anywhere near the fifth class, your life is just... set. confirmed. no more arguments. won't help much anyway.

pretty much affected by the decisions of one of my closer friends in TPJC. leave JC for POLY? maybe it's because i know my life will be so much more lonelier if she really carries out her decision, but it's also partly because i am envious at her freedom of choice.

why can't i do that when i hate studying. especially ROUTINE studying. arghh.

bad hair day, seriously. feel like tearing all my hair out.

why is it that i can't find time to finish everything? or rather, like what i always do, i shall blame it on LIFE (told you i'm a natural-born complain-er). how in the world do they expect us to finish all the ridiculous ton of homework they pile on us, be attentive during lessons (when half the day is gone and you haven't even had your proper break yet since there isn't space in the canteen anyway. so you don't absorb much and find yourself completely clueless about the topic.), brainstorm day and night for ideas for projects, READ THE NEWSPAPERS EVERYDAY, and read even more information that is out of the syllabus to, supposedly, raise your standards, WHEN SCHOOL ENDS AT 4.10pm???

this probably means that from the moment i reach home (5 pm usually), i have to bathe and gobble down my meal within half an hour's time, then start doing the TONS AND TONS of homework from 5.30pm all the way till 10.30pm and find that there is still HALF A TON of homework yet to be completed. (i admit i do steal half an hour to watch Fullmetal Alchemist on SCV. so i stop work from 6.30-7pm. but that's still... BLAH.)

fine, maybe i'm slow in doing my work, but this is really my extent. i can finish all the homework, though they may not be of high quality, steal a few moments to brainstorm for ideas (when i bathe. how pathetic is that?), and to (maybe) read the newspapers. but reading and doing more homework??? sourcing for more information to 'raise my standards'??? and to top it all, take time off for group projects and CCA???

i told you i failed my time management. and even if i did pass, i would die of fatigue within half a year's time anyway. a life like this is NO LIFE.

whenever i see my Econs 10-yr-series lying on the table, a terrible sense of dread overcomes me. it's telling me, "don't you dare to stop working. there's still a ton of work you haven't done. there's still ME." and when i turn around and attempt to gather my stationary to tackle the stupid book, i find myself staring at the sheets and sheets of paper spread all over the table in front of me, reminding me that i have not even finished THEM. another glance at the clock convinces me that i am SCREWED. i wanna sleep. and i did.

and everything repeats the next day. my Econs 10-yr-series is still perfectly dog-ear-free, folds-free, markings-free, perfect. perfectly UNTOUCHED.

restrain. endure. pull through.

i wonder if i can really do it. and if my friend leaves... it MIGHT BE acjc first few weeks all over again.

argh. i hate life. i hate school. i want to sleep...

but i will awake to find myself in the same situation once more. and once more. and once more. and once more...

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Sunday, April 10, 2005

12:32 AM

restrain. endure. pull through.

currently listening to: Ichibyo no Refrain [Getbackers]

-- my motto for the year.

i don't think sitting at the table and staring at my pencil case is a good way of starting things off. in other words, I CAN'T CONCENTRATE on finishing my ton of homework!

i must have been kidding when i said the workload in hsc was heavy. *bawls*

school has been and will continue being hectic, now that i have confirmed my timetable to be a super lousy one. the earliest i get outta school is 2.10pm and the latest 4.10pm, with a PATHETIC number of free periods in between. I WANNA DROP LIT.

fine, so i have to admit it's a whole lot better than the timetable in AC. but somehow things seem go sooo much slower in TP and i always find myself totally drained out even before noon. i'm just glad i didn't choose choir as my CCA again. *sweatdrops*

anyway, i went to East Coast Park with Aboone, Judy, Pipi and Alrina today! and came back with a red nose and itching limbs covered with mosquito bites. -____-



it was suppose to be a picnic actually, but somehow we ended up eating at the benches since no one brought a mat and there was nowhere else we could seat (ANT-INFESTED AREAS). so there we were happily eating Nasi Lemak (don't ask me why) and laughing at Judy's home-made sandwiches, which would have left a better impression on me if only the cheese hadn't melt and oozed out so err.. unpleasantly. all was well until THE CROW came along and we all decided that sitting there and screaming away wasn't gonna solve things so we grabbed our stuff and laughed our way to the jetty.

CROWS ARE SCHEMING. never doubt this.

we must have spoilt the scenery for anyone walking pass the jetty this morning since we were sitting on the concrete floor and pigging out while everyone else was fishing, jogging, cycling, blading, whatever-ing, here and there. we started taking nonsense pictures (which i initiated. wahha.) and kinda got into their way. *blushes* laughing hard like always, especially when Alrina told us the AMITOFO joke. *wahahah*





next, we decided to play along the sandy beaches of the East Coast while we waited for Pi to arrive. exactly how long did we stay there?? time flashes by when you start to have fun.





once again, we took loads of nonsense pictures which turned out to be pretty amusing. well, at least for us, the significant contributers to the noise level on the quiet morning beach with our loud, incessable laughter. tried drawing on the sand so that we can take pictures of our masterpieces too, but the tide came and washed them away. apparently this made us laugh EVEN harder (the PIG HEAD) *wahahhaha*.



we decided to settle down and play with the SAND. as usual the two perverts can't help but make something pervertic out of the sand. *shakes head*

pi finally arrived! judy and i were laughing our heads off at the kayaking team on the sea while the rest of them cycled. we must have been a pretty hilarious sight too, considering the fact that we were trying to hold up our portable umbrellas (with difficulty), reach for potato chips and listen to the mp3 player while we were pointing and guffawing at the kayakers at the same time. all of these under the intolerable blaze of the sun. the cause of my burnt nose. *sobx*

like i said, time flew and under the shady trees and swinging hammock and loads of food around us (not to mention ants too), it was time to leave. BUT. we just had to have the problem of transport and were scrutnizing at the bus flyer with anxious hearts all the way from East Coast to Bedok. quite a funny incident though, especially when non of the taxis stopped when we flagged, except for one that refused to take us just because there were FIVE of us.

stupid rule, really.

sadly, that ends our rare outings and i had to force myself to seat in front of the table and start writing aways furiously. other than the notes, i think i'm only left with the Lit homework for The Monk. someone tell me if it's Chapter 1 or Volume 1 that we have to read??

arghh. i wanna drop lit.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Monday, April 04, 2005

7:52 PM

hectic days

currently listening to: Shadows of You [Mika Nakashima]

ok, this is it.

tomorrow i shall embark on my official 2-year arts course in TPJC, taking 4 A level and 2 AO subjects, with a hectic timetable which stretches to, i presume and pray will never exceed, 4++ pm everyday, filled with lectures and tutorials and irritating teachers, with my whole new class of 05A02, whom i hope to be able to fit into in one month's time at most.

as i try my best to accomplish as much as i possibly can within these 2 years, i shall constantly try to remind myself of the wonderful memories i have accumulated till this day, which will be aided by frequent waves of nostalgia and walking-around-doing-nothing outings with old friends and faithful visits to their blogs, so that i will not get overly involved in whatever i shall be doing (mainly studying and trying to remain sane) to the extent of turning away from my ever so supportive and encouraging friends and family, and confining myself to only 4 walls, a bed and a table to bury my head under a ton of Economics, History, GP, Literature, Chinese and MATH books (a common symptom of the 'Hyper-Mugger Disease'). getting tuition for English and Math, and reading the newspapers on alternate days is one of my overly-ambitious aims too, yet it is necessary. talk about being compelled.

and i shall see if i can squeeze in time to make my resume look better too, although i doubt there will be much chances to do this in TPJC. *frowns* *sighs*

i forgot about Project Work. *curses*

plus maybe i'll get to make up for the bad impression i gave to my long-time-no-see primary school friend, one whom i have held in high regard and idolized over the past 4 years, during orientation, so that she will not stick to the idea that i'm a 'sua ku' with absolutely no dress sense (although i must admit.. i am lousy with fashions) for the next 2 years.

you have no idea how sad i am about this. BWAHHH.

wish me luck. sms often.

p.s. - AH~MA!!!! SMS ME THE RESULTS FOR SYF TMR!!! ask around for my number. i'm sure at least one of the people have it. i know i gave my number to Sherlyn (the bian tai one) the other day. strangle her if she doesn't have it!!!
GOOD LUCK!!! less than a silver don't come back and see meeee!!!!

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Saturday, April 02, 2005

2:41 PM

PAE 1AD2 2005

currently listening to: Taisetsu Na Negai [Nanaka 6/17]

05A02, just like 1AD2, is a small class with very few guys, and everyone speaks english. quite slack, and likes to chat around alot, plus everyone seems to have many many friends, just like 1AD2. funny how i thought my new class in TPJC would be different from my class in ACJC. i'm starting to realize that these are characteristics of Arts classes.

but the people in 05A02 are quite nice, though sometimes i can't fit into their conversations cuz ALL OF THEM ARE FROM FIRST 3 MONTH in TPJC EXCEPT FOR ME and another new girl, Lynette. nonetheless, they gave me a rather nice first impression and proved to be quite a fun class at times. the way they were so spontaneous during lessons are kinda entertaining and enriching for me. so i'm ok there. =)

still, i'm trying to adjust to the way everything works and how everyone is like in the class. i hope everything works out. *worries*

during this whole week of adjustment period, i thought about 1AD2 many times. it's kinda inevitable cuz i had spent 3 months with them and i always have the bad habit of liking to compare things. i realized that, in fact, i miss them alot.

it's kinda ironic to feel this way, isn't it? since my first few weeks in ACJC weren't really happy ones. but as i recollect, it seems that i had, in fact, grown use to the way 1AD2 works and suddenly when i enter a whole new class, the system just doesn't fit anymore. though both classes are similar in many ways, the feeling is different.

i didn't pause to give much though about this cuz i was determined not to regret entering TPJC (not that i do now, but i'm just afraid that excessive comparison may make it happen), but when i read the 1AD2 class blog (yes, we have one! check out my links.), the part of me which have grown used to 1AD2 moved. everything just came back to me.

the first lesson together, where everyone just huddled together and starting shooting 'hi! what's your name?' questions all at the same time, such that we had to repeat our names so many times to every person. and how there never seemed to be a full attendance during PE lessons (especially for swimming pe). how many times have we giggled over things at the void deck? and laugh ourselves silly at bryan's contact lenses and about minghui and alister? what about the number of times we repeated the phrase 'just whack!' when we were told to do something we had no idea how to start with? and the way all of us stoned while pretending to be really studious and attentive during lectures...

ahh... memories.

from a class of 16 people, the original class of 1AD2 only has 5 remaining original members left. everyone was sad, depressed and shocked that 1AD2 had seriously dissolved. i am too.

geraldine's right. none of us are seriously happy wherever we are now because we're not together anymore.

i'm gonna miss 1AD2 quite alot and i'm sure my life in TPJC's gonna be very different, but hopefully in a good way. i really can't tell. i thought i didn't like 1AD2 during the first few weeks with them, and seriously thought that my life was messed up. but it turned out that i miss them so much now and that my life in 1AD2 was actually a more exciting and memorable experience that not many students would have experienced.

why didn't i realize that? the people there are so fun and nice, hardly anyone talks bad about anybody. some moments we spent together may have seemed really boring then, but it was precisely because we were so bored and depressed about having to come to school that we really hung on to each other. and the happy moments were really... happy. =)

i must learn to not count my chickens before they are hatched.

3 months ago, i'd never imagine myself saying this... 1AD2 will live on in my heart. ACJC too.

forever.

moving on, some things have happened recently. things that i thought i have held in the most important place throughout these six years. things that should have had an impact on me, yet i didn't feel a thing at all. everything in my mind was about school, hsc friends and 1ad2. i tried to feel sad about the supposedly saddening piece of news but i couldn't. i didn't even blink (like i do when i'm undergoing any sort of emotional stuff. speed= 100times/minute.) when i heard the news, nor did i bow my head in disappointment. it was just pure acceptance, like when you read in the newspapers that Stranger X's house got broken into yesterday. so i think... maybe i've finally come out of my stubborn obsession.

i guess it's time to get a new watch.

still, i not regretting anything cuz i would never had become what i am today if not for it. i may not even bother to get into a JC even. haha. but right now, there's no more motivation for me to study so i guess i better start psyching myself into performing up to standard. i can't afford to mess up my A levels.

let go and just remember the things i'm suppose to remember. i'll remember you. =)

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。