currently listening to: Sekai no Yakusoku [Howl's Moving Castle]

when i walked down to hall towards Mrs Loi seating right in front, looking very busy with all the stack of papers around her, i seriously thought my life was diminishing with every step i took.

i sat down, and she told me to sign the piece of paper so i did. then i raised my hands and just received whatever pile of notes she gave to me and walked back, oblivious to the people around me asking about my results. within me i was just telling myself to be prepared for a 17 pointer, and that i will not cry no matter what happens.

in the end, admist all the cries and laughter of joy around me, i counted my marks to be 11 points.

it was funny the way i felt at that very moment. it was just a sense of emptiness as i simply digested the 11-point fact. i didn't feel like crying, or shouting, or hugging anyone to relate my joy or sadness. just void of whatever feelings. but i suddenly found myself being hugged and pushed around me slapped on the back (especially by ah~ma), then i suddenly realised that it was in fact a relief that the rumour didn't come true. how many sighs have i heaved whenever i think of the letter? how many times have i repeated the word 'sian' in front of everybody? how many nights have i been staring up at the ceiling and preparing myself for the day?

but i have to admit i wasn't entirely happy with 11 points. maybe the disappointment lies with the miserable B4 i got for English. man, i cannot face Mdm Lydia or my English tuition teacher anymore *sighs*. but i think i have to be glad that i actually received the MOE letter. it sorta cushioned the blow cuz i know i would still have left the school with a black face and a red face if i HADN'T received the letter and had HOPE for my results. 11 points wasn't good enough for the xinyi without the MOE letter, but 11 points was more than a blessing for the xinyi with the MOE letter. i must thank whoever up there who actually arranged for me to receive the letter. today wouldn't be what it was without it.

later on the 'celebration', i suddenly realised that many of my friends were not gonna stay in the JCs they are in now, the JCs that i have been aiming for just because they were all there. in any case, none of them are gonna be around me anymore, just like these 3 months.

but then again, i guess i can't stick to them forever. there's gotta be a point where we all just part and go on our separate ways, trying to make the most out of what we can achieve and learning how to be truly independent individuals at the same time. everyone has different dreams and none of them coincides with the other so it is inevitable that we all will leave one another's side one day. but despite knowing this fact and understanding the meaning behind it, there is still this sense of sadness, and the fear of the fact of having to learn to be independent already. i guess it's just the 'i-was-the-only-haisian-in-ACJC-the-potato-school' experience that really made me understand more than anyone else what it takes to be independent, to leave the familiar surroundings with all your friends.

these feelings will never go away cuz life is just filled with all of these painful realities. but i have to live through all of them somehow, accept whatever that comes, then grow when i have to. life goes on for all of us.

as i took bus 21 back home alone in silence, i reminded myself that this was the very last time i was gonna take this route as a haisian. very naturally, i started thinking about the first time i took this route to school, the uncertainty i felt and the irritating fact that the school was a 1/2 hour journey away from my house. as i compared that to what i have now... i smiled and tried to remind myself not to cry. then the bus passed by the school and i gazed at the 2e4 classroom with the plants growing ever so healthily since the day we left them 2 years ago.

memories. all sorts of small events, lame jokes, boring lessons, agitated converstations, sleepy yawns, uncouth exclaims of 'shit'-s and 'fish'-es... everything came back to me, clearer than before, even more detailed than the way i deliberately reviewed them back in ACJC. everything was in the past, and now i was living the last day as a blue-blooded haisian, with only the memories, a rather 'large' tinge of regret, and a piece of paper that proved me a GRADUATE of hai sing catholic.

i didn't cry. i just sighed repeatedly all the way back home. at least i still made close friends, i thought to myself, and though they're not gonna be around me anymore, they've given me more than enough things to think and remember about.

i cannot stop things from changing and i can't make them stay the way they are. so many things have to be taken into account, so many things to learn and adapt to. learning to move forward is what i have been struggling for the past few months, and now the real thing is finally starting. can i really manage it by myself, i asked, can i come out of my stubborn attachment and welcome a brand new world once again?

these are not things to be questioned cuz they are things that MUST be done. i've been through a hundred and thousand hesitations, and a million and one disappointments. i don't think i have experienced all that just to experience more of them by clinging on stubbornly the memories that have already come to a past.

*sigh* life goes on... and on and on...

Sekai no Yakusoku
Howl's Moving Castle

namida no oku ni yuragu hohoemi wa
toki no hajime kara no sekai no yakusoku

ima wa hitori demo futari no kinou kara
kyou wa umare kirameku
hajimete atta hi no you ni

omoide no uchi ni anata wa inaisoyokaze to natte hoho ni furetekuru

komorebi no gogo no wakare no ato mo
kesshite owaranai sekai no yakusoku

ima wa hitori demo ashita wa kagirinai
anata ga oshietekureta
yoru ni hisomu yasashisa

omoide no uchi ni anata wa inai
seseragi no uta ni kono sora no iro ni
hana no kaori ni itsumademo ikite

nice song. makes me sad though. *sobx*

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。