currently listening to: Sekai no Yakusoku [Howl's Moving Castle]

when i walked down to hall towards Mrs Loi seating right in front, looking very busy with all the stack of papers around her, i seriously thought my life was diminishing with every step i took.

i sat down, and she told me to sign the piece of paper so i did. then i raised my hands and just received whatever pile of notes she gave to me and walked back, oblivious to the people around me asking about my results. within me i was just telling myself to be prepared for a 17 pointer, and that i will not cry no matter what happens.

in the end, admist all the cries and laughter of joy around me, i counted my marks to be 11 points.

it was funny the way i felt at that very moment. it was just a sense of emptiness as i simply digested the 11-point fact. i didn't feel like crying, or shouting, or hugging anyone to relate my joy or sadness. just void of whatever feelings. but i suddenly found myself being hugged and pushed around me slapped on the back (especially by ah~ma), then i suddenly realised that it was in fact a relief that the rumour didn't come true. how many sighs have i heaved whenever i think of the letter? how many times have i repeated the word 'sian' in front of everybody? how many nights have i been staring up at the ceiling and preparing myself for the day?

but i have to admit i wasn't entirely happy with 11 points. maybe the disappointment lies with the miserable B4 i got for English. man, i cannot face Mdm Lydia or my English tuition teacher anymore *sighs*. but i think i have to be glad that i actually received the MOE letter. it sorta cushioned the blow cuz i know i would still have left the school with a black face and a red face if i HADN'T received the letter and had HOPE for my results. 11 points wasn't good enough for the xinyi without the MOE letter, but 11 points was more than a blessing for the xinyi with the MOE letter. i must thank whoever up there who actually arranged for me to receive the letter. today wouldn't be what it was without it.

later on the 'celebration', i suddenly realised that many of my friends were not gonna stay in the JCs they are in now, the JCs that i have been aiming for just because they were all there. in any case, none of them are gonna be around me anymore, just like these 3 months.

but then again, i guess i can't stick to them forever. there's gotta be a point where we all just part and go on our separate ways, trying to make the most out of what we can achieve and learning how to be truly independent individuals at the same time. everyone has different dreams and none of them coincides with the other so it is inevitable that we all will leave one another's side one day. but despite knowing this fact and understanding the meaning behind it, there is still this sense of sadness, and the fear of the fact of having to learn to be independent already. i guess it's just the 'i-was-the-only-haisian-in-ACJC-the-potato-school' experience that really made me understand more than anyone else what it takes to be independent, to leave the familiar surroundings with all your friends.

these feelings will never go away cuz life is just filled with all of these painful realities. but i have to live through all of them somehow, accept whatever that comes, then grow when i have to. life goes on for all of us.

as i took bus 21 back home alone in silence, i reminded myself that this was the very last time i was gonna take this route as a haisian. very naturally, i started thinking about the first time i took this route to school, the uncertainty i felt and the irritating fact that the school was a 1/2 hour journey away from my house. as i compared that to what i have now... i smiled and tried to remind myself not to cry. then the bus passed by the school and i gazed at the 2e4 classroom with the plants growing ever so healthily since the day we left them 2 years ago.

memories. all sorts of small events, lame jokes, boring lessons, agitated converstations, sleepy yawns, uncouth exclaims of 'shit'-s and 'fish'-es... everything came back to me, clearer than before, even more detailed than the way i deliberately reviewed them back in ACJC. everything was in the past, and now i was living the last day as a blue-blooded haisian, with only the memories, a rather 'large' tinge of regret, and a piece of paper that proved me a GRADUATE of hai sing catholic.

i didn't cry. i just sighed repeatedly all the way back home. at least i still made close friends, i thought to myself, and though they're not gonna be around me anymore, they've given me more than enough things to think and remember about.

i cannot stop things from changing and i can't make them stay the way they are. so many things have to be taken into account, so many things to learn and adapt to. learning to move forward is what i have been struggling for the past few months, and now the real thing is finally starting. can i really manage it by myself, i asked, can i come out of my stubborn attachment and welcome a brand new world once again?

these are not things to be questioned cuz they are things that MUST be done. i've been through a hundred and thousand hesitations, and a million and one disappointments. i don't think i have experienced all that just to experience more of them by clinging on stubbornly the memories that have already come to a past.

*sigh* life goes on... and on and on...

Sekai no Yakusoku
Howl's Moving Castle

namida no oku ni yuragu hohoemi wa
toki no hajime kara no sekai no yakusoku

ima wa hitori demo futari no kinou kara
kyou wa umare kirameku
hajimete atta hi no you ni

omoide no uchi ni anata wa inaisoyokaze to natte hoho ni furetekuru

komorebi no gogo no wakare no ato mo
kesshite owaranai sekai no yakusoku

ima wa hitori demo ashita wa kagirinai
anata ga oshietekureta
yoru ni hisomu yasashisa

omoide no uchi ni anata wa inai
seseragi no uta ni kono sora no iro ni
hana no kaori ni itsumademo ikite

nice song. makes me sad though. *sobx*

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Saturday, February 26, 2005

9:29 PM

currently listening to: 從心愛你 [Daniel Chan]

after a week of thinking things over and over, i think i will be able to take literally ANYTHING that is gonna happen on monday. hopefully no one will come probing about my results. i don't wanna beat anyone up. *wahahhaha*

and i think i have successfully convinced my parents about going to a poly!!! that is, if i score more than 17 points. it wouldn't make sense to struggle in a faraway JC that i am not even familiar with, isn't it? that would be even worse than staying in ACJC. at least AC has better facilities (fully-equipped gym!! swimming pool!! huge track!! tennis courtS!! cafe!! super big hall!! the list goes on!!), even though it's super far away.

a real interesting thing that happened today:



this one came out real good. can't see the camera or the chain and it looks exactly like michelle's gonna come up with some "wei-pai-qi-gong" or something, doesn't it! *wahahahah* ok, maybe we shouldn't have taken the pictures in the toilet. kinda ruined the atmosphere of the picture. but it was really funny the way we marvelled at the effect and spent so much time in a 'Girls' toilet when it was apparently the Gents (other than the sinks, we don't see anything mounted on the walls in the Ladies, do we?).

oh and did i mention that i watched Howl's Moving Castle already? i am IN LOVE with hayao miyazaki's works! man, it was REALLY REALLY GOOD. extremely hilarious, cute, and so sweet and sad at times. anyone who needs a free review can look for me. anyone who wants to watch the movie can look for me too. *wahahaha* i don't mind watching it a few more times *happy*happy* in any case, I STRONGLY RECOMMEND IT!!!

my favourite character? aWww... u know i have a soft spot for anime guys... *wahahha* Howl rocks!! and the 'feather-duster' dog (named by michelle) is extremely cute. you should have heard how many times the audience laughed like hyenas at the sight of that dog. and the part where Markl pulls down his hood... priceless... *doubles over with laughter*







ok, my over-enthusiastic passion for anime has overwhelmed me again. maybe i will grab an anime series at the expense of all my homework. that's not such a bad idea isn't it? i'm not gonna stay in ACJC anyway. *wahahha* they can't do much to me even if i don't do my work.

fine. maybe except for Ms Marhaini's work. man, she is really an intimidating woman. *shudders* we were really pissed off when the trainee teacher sat in for the lesson and Ms Marhaini suddenly got SOO strict with us like never before. hey! she used to treat us better than she treats any other class, considering the fact that she's like the fiercest female teacher in the school. yeah, so now we're all cursing that trainee teacher for apparently 'giving stress' to Marhaini during lessons.*curses*

oh, and the whole of the class is planning to 'pon' school on Monday *wahaha* (4e5 ppl, does this sound familiar?) why? cuz all of us feel that it is quite dumb to go back and sit through chapel for half the day and face only Ms Marhaini for the next half of the day then go back even more depressingly to our respective secondary schools to get our results. *wahahaha* told you we were slack. we have a reputation.

hmm.. but speaking of getting back the results, i guess i will really have to try my best not to appear super depressed in front of everybody. that is the last thing i'll ever want to do: get everyone to have a last impression of me tiao-ing everybody else and stomping straight out of school with a black face and a red nose. i'm serious! i get THAT bad when i'm in a foul mood.

seriously, i kinda regret working so hard for my studies. it isn't like my parents DEMAND for me to get top results, or that i am even CAPABLE of getting really good results. maybe it's just the thing within me to want to get the best of whatever i lay my hands on. but now i feel i've tried too hard. too hard that even getting a >15 range upsets me when some people rejoice about it. maybe i should take things more lightly and seriously get a life. *wahahah* 'seriously get a life' sounds ironic~

but what will it be like on monday? will i really be able to live through it with a smile? will i really be able to get over it and just carry on with my life without blaming myself? will i really be able to tell others that i'm ok when i may not really feel that way inside? will really i be able to live with this disappointment?

*sigh* life is tiring and it makes me wanna quit. but everyone has to go through disappointment somehow, so i guess after this great big disppointment over my results, i'll be able to face anything else that comes. hopefully.

life is not gonna go easy on me, but i plan to live through it anyway.








*notice that i've been wearing the same clothes. *wahahha*

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Friday, February 18, 2005

10:39 PM

currently listening to: Shou Fang Kai [Sam Li]

everyone's just being so nice.

ever since i fell into the deep abyss of despair at the realization that i had indeed fallen short of my own expectations, as well as everyone else's, by scoring a 15< point range for O levels, so many people have been trying to pull me up.

but maybe it's the stubborn way i am, i refuse to be pulled up. it's just that i've been through so much disappointments already that i really can't cope with any little trace of hope anymore. the PSLE, the streamings, the auditions, and even my god-damned computer that fails all the time. anything that i try to achieve with my own strength always spoils. it always seems like i must depend on the help of others in order to really achieve something.

why tell me that i have a chance to score? why make me think with the higher-than-average marks i scored in school exams that i can actually score for the major exams? why subject me to the rantings of so many people telling me that i have no problem for the O levels and should probably worry for them instead? why make me go through so much, believing that there will be a happy ending, but take away that dream and make all my efforts seem so wasted in the end?

why give me hope?

the hurt is mutiplied.

i've been through too much to still believe that miracles do exist. so please don't tell me there's hope anymore cuz that will only worsen the damage that is already done.

perhaps the only good thing that came out of this is that i finally understood what kind of friends i have.

the best kind.

although i don't appreciate it, they have been giving me hope all the time, telling me that nothing's confirmed yet and that i shouldn't worry until i receive the actual results. they have been telling me that there'll be there to support me and that whatever happens they will be there for me. despite the fact that i'm practically shooting off super crude replies to their kind words and encouragement, they are still telling me the same thing over and over again. i'm afraid that i'll break down and tear again when i next see them. that's the extent that they've moved me.

and my AC classmates. they are trying to contact everyone they know just to justify the rumour. they are the ones who eventually found out the truth for me, and kept assuring me that nothing's confirmed yet, even though they know deep in their hearts that the fact that majority of the ACJC population didn't receive the letter means that the rumour is, in fact, true. still, i am really starting to appreciate them.

i love you guys.

but please, don't tell me that there's still hope, or that i should not worry, or that nothing's confirmed yet. it's better for me to get over and done with the effects now rather than break down in front of the whole school population on that fateful day. do me the favour and make me accept reality.

and don't talk to me about my results on that day, or i'll bawl right into your face.

http://www.todayonline.com/articles/34053.asp

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Sunday, February 13, 2005

3:26 PM

currently listening to: Houki Kumo [RYTHEM]

did i mention that i haven't been to school for 9 days already?

don't worry, i haven't quit school YET. two set of weekends and 3 days of MC plus 2 days of public holidays are what i have been enjoying the whole of the week. *grinz*

yep, and this means that i skipped the ACJC Idol (despite having paid $2 for the 'while stocks last!' tickets) and also the homework that were given that week. fortunately, it must be heaven's pity on me, a misplaced christmas reindeer admist the cheers for new year and the fat man who isn't Santa but still dresses in red for some unknown reason, that there isn't much homework for the week.

stop!! before misunderstandings crash in, the ridiculously huge pile of homework that i've been working on throughout the week are, in fact, mini projects that requires maximum time to finish, unlike those Maths or Econs tutorials that you can finish within a day. and i did say that i'm lousy at writing poems, didn't i? so i guess one week is justifiable for having to create a poem out of the art pieces in the ACJC art gallery (which i have never seriously scrutinized since i was 'blessed' with red skin so i have completely no idea what to write about), and to watch Troy a million and one times to jot down how each scene 'portrays the common themes and concerns of war'. yep, Troy may be a highly entertaining movie but considering the fact that i have to hold a pen and jot down every scene and action and how they 'portray the common themes and concerns of war' for i-forgot-how-long-i-sat-in-front-of-the-telly number of hours?

i am now an anti-Troy supporter.

there are many tests lined up the following week too and i haven't studied for ANY one of them. i'm gonna be so dead but never mind. let me fail the tests, i don't really care now.

i'm starting to worry about swimming PE next week. five strokes of the frog-style and i am officially a drowned duck (han ya zi). and my BULGING stomach?? don't remind me. but i think i can get an excuse though, for having skin allergy. i'll just say that i can't stay in the sun for long otherwise they'll have to bow in the presence of the legendary Guan Gong, that is, if they still have some Chinese beliefs in them.

hmm.. not a bad idea. maybe i'll get my parents to write a letter. and hey! i'm not lying to anybody about being red in the hot sun. IT'S TRUE. i wear a cap wherever i go now.

believe it or not, i actually know what class he is in and what kinda combination he is taking and what are the names of his classmates and teacher and a little on how he's faring over at that JC. *whahahah* don't accuse me of being a stalker! i haven't seen him for years and i am not THAT desperate. information just conveniently and coincidentally appear in front my eyes and into my ears when i least expect it to. maybe i should consider getting a job as a PI.

and after knowing so much, i'm starting to think that maybe i should really be more enthusiastic about my JC life and not sulk about all day long. i have to admit that most of the people in our class are a nice bunch, though we are not very united. in fact, there isn't anybody in my class who speaks with the oh-i-hate-and-detest-so-much kinda slang and i guess i should feel blessed about this.

i don't know what will happen, but i'll try my best to be more enthusiastic about ACJC. who knows? maybe it will become one of the most unforgettable times of my life, just like Sec 2 and Sec 4. although i'm not optimistic about this, but i plan to make my stay there a short but considerably memorable one from now on.

erm.. let's just say i'll TRY.

ok, back to the books. i shall continue working on the stupid ANALYSIS for my poem. believe me, it's all gonna be just BS.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Thursday, February 10, 2005

7:28 PM

currently listening to: Houki Kumo [RYTHEM]



let me once again announce that i dread to return to ACJC tomorrow. and the fact that i look like rudolph now doesn't help much either.

i think there's ACJC Idol tomorrow that i have to stay back for since the whole class bought the tickets already. and frankly speaking, i have no mood to participate in this kinda event that requires spontaneous audience, right now. okok, call me a spoilsport but yeah, that's how i am.

but i feel a little guilty for not turning up for Chris' farewell party and to see him off at the airport the previous Friday. so i feel oblige to go to the ACJC Idol this time, provided that majority of the class goes too of course.

there is a TON of homework that i've yet to finish that is due next week. constructing a poem and writing a movie review (a chim and LONG one) for literature is really ALOT of homework considering the fact that you're actually gonna be graded on them. and writing a poem?? i can't even speak properly for nuts. maybe i should consult aboone. but come to think of it, i'm not staying in ACJC anyway, aren't i? so why trouble myself with the homework??

ok, call it responsibility.

anyway, happy chinese new year!! and i'm so sorry i didn't go back on CNY... i ought to slap myself. *slap* blame it on my red face...

*sigh* what is going to happen tomorrow??

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Monday, February 07, 2005

9:30 PM

currently listening to: Kawari Yuku Sora[w-inds.]

skin allergy!!!

i think it's got something to do with the fact that i had a blood tranfusion barely one day after i was born that now i have such lousy skin. and perhaps the condition is further worsened by the fact that i detest vegetables and can't stand them being in my mouth for more than one second, least to say in my stomach. and having 'blackness' comparable to that of a blangadeshee since the ACJC orientation apparently doesn't help much but contribute to my deteriorating epitheliem. the stupid heaty weather had its toil on me too.

that probably explains why i am so black from the start. come to think of it, i've never been really 'white' before, the 'whitest' being my secondary 4 period, and you wouldn't consider that 'white' if you had a pair of normal functioning eyes then. even my tan marks takes years to fade (just look at my feet!) and i take even longer to turn just a shade lighter after being a blangadeshee look-alike for years and years.

and did i mention before that i have a strange affinity with the sun?? just ask judy, she'll know what i mean. *sigh*

now i'm currently suffering from a red face and a redder nose that is in any way comparable to that of rudolph's. i'm not kidding!! and my red face?? here's a pic of guan gong.



i'm just so upset that i can't go for the HSC new year celebration tomorrow. explanation?? not only do i not wanna let anyone see my guan-gong-like face, but the doctor also warned me not to expose my face to the sunlight. aWww... i've been looking forward to this day so much!!!

i can just imagine the scene where the old folk's fill up the VIP seats and the graduated seniors taking up the rows behind them... the throngs of people who will be hanging around the linkway with their colourful hair and trendy clothes... the conversation the various members in Pigs. co will be holding... the lame jokes that pipi, judy, xinwei and alrina will be cracking... the numerous 'slaps-on-the-back' that ah~ma will bestow upon every choir senior she sees lurking around the hall... the number of foolish grins and gallons of saliva then xinwei will produce when she converse with her beloved mr das...how judy will blush at the sight of lulu... how jiehui will hang around with a book in her hand and attempt to read it but to no avail since judy will always slap the book outta her hand... tingxu walking at super fast speed here and there in an attempt to find the teachers and have a nice 'educated' talk with them... michelle jumping around the place and tickling people from the back and eventually get clobbered by them in the end...

man... i hope my face heals by tomorrow...

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Sunday, February 06, 2005

9:07 PM

currently listening to: Kawari Yuku Sora[w-inds.]

something's happening to me.

i am so afraid to find it on my hands next, or even worse, my body. abnormalities that i have always feared but brushed them aside, refusing to accept what they may mean and refusing to prevent them from happening, are finally revealing themselves. and it isn't just only the exterior. as i feel my skin tighten and prick, i feel something else as well. it seems to be worse than i think.

i am scared.

god, please let all these be just my over-active imagination at work.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Thursday, February 03, 2005

9:18 PM

currently listening to: Jounetsu [Tokyo Underground]

i am currently showering my computer with hugs and kisses-- it's finally back~

and it's the 3rd of February today, which means i'm survived 1 month in ACJC!! *whistles*clap*clap*clap*

maybe life in ACJC isn't all that hard to endure, especially now that i'm a little more closer to my classmates. but still, i can't wait to get out of there. is it the distance that's the problem? is it because the people in ACJC are so very different from me and what i am used to? is it because of the extremely tough PE lessons? or is it simply because of my longing to be around those whom i love?

i guess i know =)

sometimes loneliness occurs when you least expect it to. just walking from class to the toilet alone. or getting down from the car and walking to the school hall alone. or walking to the mrt station alone. these are all very common situations where one is alone one time or another but in foreign surroundings, it's different. it's even more scary, frightening, intimidating. esspecially when you realize that your closest friends are 15 mrt stops away from you and the friends back there in class only share a 1-month old relationship with you.

but actually my classmates are not bad a bunch of people. our class is basically super slack. we try ways and means to skip school and pe lessons and all that. highest record? 6 people skipped school, 5 people skipped PE, leaving 6 'healthy' for the legendary physical 'education' in ACJC on that fateful tuesday. and i was one of the 6 healthy ones. *aching limbs*sobx*

we share the same views about all our teachers-- marhaini being super strict with everyone else except for our class, SEA history teacher Ms Ng being a b*ahem and that she is super super fierce, chinese teacher Mrs Tan being the most boring teacher but also the most entertaining one since we always get to 'bully' her during lessons, international History lecturer Mr Ngoei being the most interesting and entertaining teacher that we are all greiving that he's not our i.history tutor. etc etc etc.

and i think we must be the quietest Arts class in ACJC JC1. we keep our golden mouths shut most of the time, especially during chinese lessons. the teacher has to repeat and repeat and repeat before someone actually answers and we all get interested in the topic. well, only a little more interested. told you we were slack~

and precisely because that's the nature of our class, i've become the so-called 'hardworking girl' cuz i complete all my homework and hand them in on time erm, most of the time. there's a difference between 'completing homework on time' and 'hardworking'!

but homework's really a killer. i've been working up to 10pm or 11pm continuously just to finish them off. *sobx* maybe JC's not exactly the type of place i wanna be in. hmm...

anyway tomorrow i'm gonna meet the 4E5 people to celebrate Lin laoshi's birthday!!! i'm so looking forward to it~~~ lalalala~~~~~

but not the 4 periods of Economics before that though. argh!!!the thought of it makes me wanna skip school!!!

xinwei, i'm declaring once again that i'm envious. *sobx*

oh!!! w-inds. coming up with ANOTHER SINGLE!!!! *wahahahah* can't wait... i can't wait!!! and i read somewhere that keita is still in love with his first love!! oh man, what a faithful guy. being a star and receiving so much attention yet he still likes the girl from his elementary school?? it's been like 8 years already and it's still the same person that he never got to tell his feelings to though so much has changed.

but i can understand. =)

i heard soccer training in that JC is 5 days a week! so that means it's everyday. wow, all this effort just to stay on in that school. maybe he'll change his mind and join TJC or even TPJC or MJC instead!!! *jumps for joy*

ok, wishful thinking on my part. he's so obsessed with soccer that he probably won't mind the tough training. and even if he does, TJC's the next choice isn't it?? i have no chance. *sobx* so sad.

ok, friday at ACJC is gonna be super tough and i need lots of R&R to tide me over. and i haven't finished my Econs tutorial too!! i'm SO dead.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。