currently listening to: Friends [Houshin Engi]

it's another Saturday and here i am in tropica to print out some economics homework.

i went for the volunteer thingy again today and ended up with a really really bad case of stomachache that had me squatting in the toilet for 15 minutes while Michelle, Yokes and Hazel were 'talking bad' about me in the living room with my Aunt and Grandma.

we went for lunch at orchard and you have no idea how good an ordinary dish of omelette can taste so good when you are hungry after having emptied your waste materials until it overflowed in the toilet bowl and went down to the sewage. *bliss*

and i think the stomachache was the cause of consuming uncooked food the day before at the OG BBQ!! *curses*

speaking of the BBQ, it went quite well and we didn't play the so-called 'truth or dare' (YAY!!!) and ended up just eating and talking and eating and talking and playing card games. believe it or or not, we couldn't find transport back home until 11++pm.

Joanna: "let me call for a cab then we'll take it together to marine parade."
Operator: "the taxi will be arriving in... 7...2...9... minutes."
Us: "729 minutes!?!?!?!"
Xinyi: "umm.. let me just ask my father whether he can squeeze out time to bring us home."
Dad: "i'm doing some entertainment work now. but i'll call u a cab. wait for another 25 minutes k?"
Joanna: "ok, then let me cancel the cab."
Joanne(immediately after cab was cancelled): "oh i know!! it's 7 TO 9 minutes!!! not 729 minutes lah!!"
Us: "......."

curse that lousy machine-operated operator.

it was useless trying to call another cab too. Joanna tried a zillion times before we finally got through to call the "729" cab, and my father's friend was already on the way anyway. so patiently (almost-- we tried out best), we waited for another 25 minutes and finally took a cab home.

the 3 of us were completely exhausted on the way home. somehow, we could keep a conversation going though. i never thought that i would be able to converse as freely as i did with them yesterday. well, at least only with the 3 of them in the OG (plus Bei Qin, who was still bathing when we left the chalet -___-). i'm still so so so distant from my other OG mates. but it's ok, i don't mind the distance actually-- our personalities just clash (just look at truth or dare!!).

i have another BBQ this coming saturday. it's my classmate, Ming Hui's birthday party. i still haven't got a present for her though. maybe i should share the price of the gift with the rest of the class. and about the BBQ food... i'm a little unsure, especially after today's toilet experience.

and did i mention that i'm taking a cab to school every morning till Thursday? it's damn expensive, the normal taxi fare from my house to ACJC is around $14, and because the cab is BOOKED just for me, i have to pay another $5, so it is $19 altogether!!! god. $114 just for me to get to school. i am sooo NOT gonna go back to acjc after the first 3 months.

ok, time for history tutorial outlines (when i get back to Bedok Reservoir). tell you about my super-fierce-and-a-little-ah-lian-looking SEA history teacher next time-- all i can say is that i miss Mr Das. *sigh*


記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Saturday, January 22, 2005

7:16 PM

currently listening to: 楽園 [Do As Infinity]

saturdays come and go so easily, don't they?

just came back from some Bugis with Michelle and Hazel. we went for some kinda volunteer work briefing before that. i think my saturdays are going to be very filled from now on. so many things seem to clash.

even for today. i was told at around 0850 yesterday about the meeting time for the volunteer work thingy today and i was like "oh ya! i almost forgot!" i was trying to think of a way to maximise my time since i had promised my mother that i would accompany my brother to get his army stuff then go to the doctor's and then shop for new year clothes with her in the afternoon. then came another sms from my ACJC classmate telling me that there is a class outing on the same day too. of course, i didn't agree to meet up with them and i was feeling really guilty about it until Leo told me that many people couldn't make it too. later in the night, Lee Tung asked if the choir seniors want to go back to watch the choir during their SYF rehearsal at SCH, also around the same time. i tried very hard to try to fit it into my schedule but argh. tell me again why people like to plan things on saturdays.

i gave up seeing the doctor anyway. i was no.70 and the cheapskate electronic board above my head read "32", while it had been 15 minutes since the last patient went into the doctor's room. -___- i am going back there at 0830 tomorrow.

so i met up with Michelle and Hazel for the briefing. the dates for my activities are so close, especially on the weekends, so i think i won't be able to laze around in bed till 3pm anymore. *sobx*

things ALWAYS seem so normal when i'm with my old-time friends. our topics were endless, the jokes never stopped, and never once did we feel alienated from one another, though it had been ages since we last met. i guess this is the product of more than 4 years of friendship. man, am i glad i have such friends.

and i have realised that there are many people reading my blog!! more than i expected. it's like i meet a friend and he or she'll say,

"hey, i heard you not doing well in ACJC leh. there good anot??"

ok so this does not imply that they have read my blog but yeah, the content is spreading. i only complain about ACJC in my blog, if not, to some close friends. i don't mind people reading, really, since i have made this blog public in the first place. it just kinda shocks me that there are actually many more people who know about it. leave a comment next time ok!!

and i am absolutely positively extremely sure that my nosy brother is still reading my blog. *hmph* think i dunno. maybe i'll get a lock one day. if i really get one, don't worry, anyone can ask me for the password anytime. it's just to lock my brother out. *wahahahah*

oh, and my relationship with my OG is a far far one. i haven't been going for all the OG outings at all. don't ask me why. it's either that they always choose the day when i ALREADY have something on, or that they chose a day when i was so super exhausted from whatever that had happened the day before. ok, i admit sometimes i do try to avoid going out with them when i actually have the time but hey! you gotta forgive me. i was freaked out by the first OG outing over at Marilyn's house. i ended up having some guy kiss my neck while playing truth or dare (not that i chose 'dare', but that they were actually playing 'dare or dare' to be exact). oh man, i had nightmares for the rest of the week and my neck is all red from all the rubbing i did while showering. the rest of the dares were pretty extreme too. they had girls kiss each other, guys pumping on top of each other, popcorn on someone's stomach while the other had to eat them up from there, licking of faces, passing of a 5-cent coin with the mouth, doing sexy dances to funky music etc. although i have to admit i got off with the more 'easier' dares, i was emotionally traumatised!!! tell me, would you want to have another game of truth or dare again if you were me??

but i still have a BBQ with them this coming Friday. it's the first time ever i am going out with them for non-official reasons (told you i wasn't close to them). i kinda have a bad feeling about it when they said that they want to have another round of so-called "truth or dare". maybe i'm gonna leave early after eating up some chicken wings. it's $10+!! we were suppose to stay overnight too but please spare me. not that i don't like to hang around with my OG mates but it's just that i'm kinda afraid they'll do some really extreme things again. they are nice people really, rather easy to talk to, spontaneous and friendly but maybe their idea of 'fun' is a little different from mine. i guess you can call it the difference between the East and the West (communism vs capitalism? *wahahah*). their culture is not what i'm used to. in my times, the most extreme dare only involved calling up someone of the opposite sex and saying " I Love You" or something-- nothing like kissing here and there!!

ok, more about that in the future. right now, i wanna declare my love for round anime cushions!!! *whahahaha*

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Friday, January 21, 2005

11:18 AM

currently listening to: Graduation [Vitamin C]

i am currently on the verge of death. the shinigami has finally come to claim me after yesterday's legendary 'physical conditioning' at ACJC.

this was exacly how i felt when i opened my eyes this morning. seriously, MUSCLE ACHES ARE KILLING ME!!! every single action i do is accompanied by painful aches as if my bones are cracking and my muscles are tearing apart. i am now walking around the house in crab-style.

school has been the same, except that now we have more tutorials than anything. and i'm beginning to feel intimidated by the subject Economics when i found out yesterday while doing my homework that i'm an idiot at reading graphs. math isn't that bad, except that the teacher doesn't seem to know that he's been teaching us the same thing over and over again.

"you see, 8=2 to power of 3." (SAME example over and over again)
"yeah~~"
"which is the base?"
"2~~"
"is 3 the power??"
"yeah~~"
"ok, so you've got the basics. so let me introduce you to the KINGDOM OF LOGARITHMS..."
"ahh... actually you've taught us all that already. the kingdom part too."

-__-"

but the good thing about him is that he's patient and won't flare up easily. so we are usually lte for his classes. *wahahahah*

literature is suddenly turning out to be a much more interesting subject. not that the teachers are very interesting, of course, but it's the subject and its use of the english language that intrigues me. maybe i should change my view of shakespeare, though nothing can change the fact that he's gay.

did i tell you that i have no idea how to do a tutorial outline? day 1 and the history teacher stepped in and asked us to do our tutorial outlines before we come for lessons. we explained that we didn't know what an outline is so she explained. i checked the timetable and realize that there is a history lecture tomorrow. i went home and completed the tutorial outline, only to be pissed off the next day when she didn't ask for it (i worked till 11pm!!!). day 3 and the other history tutor stepped in and taught us how to do a tutorial outline (the same thing) again and reminded us that a tutorial outline should NEVER EVER be done the day before the tutorial and i was like -___-.

so it seems like there should be much reading-up on the topic discussed in the tutorial question before attempting it. i wonder how i managed to come out with 3 pages when i hadn't done any reading before. i guess i'm gonna get a bad mark for it, with all my lousy bullshitting.

oh did i mention that my brother's back from army after 2 weeks of BMT training already?? he's going back to the army camp on Sunday. like what he expected, he got off easy with his flat-foot problem and he spent one week walking around the area while the rest of the platoon underwent training. now they call him "General" cause he's one of the few lucky ones who can walk around the training area in SLIPPERS and not get 'tekan-ed' by the officers with a hundred push-ups.

he's currently waiting for his medical report now to confirm whether he's fit for training or not. if he's not, he gonna be downgraded to Pes C, where the training is much less tougher. if he's fit for training, he has to pay back at least 1 week of training, which means that he'll be training while the others happily head home for dinner. which is better?? i guess we all know.

i haven't read the newspapers for 3 days already. oh man, i have a bad feeling about my JC life.

how did sec 4 pass so quickly???

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

7:00 PM

currently listening to: Graduation [Vitamin C]

no time to blog much today. just felt like using the computer and slack. *wahahha*

i had my first economics tutorial today, taught by the notorious form teacher of mine. surprisingly, and i mean SURPRISINGLY, she can remember my name!!! not only her, the AO Math teacher too. this all comes down to the conclusion that common chinese names are not popular among the rich and the english-speaking, thus they all find it a new name. or maybe it's because they have had so much xinyis that they have learnt the art of memorizing this name and matching it to that particular xinyi's face.

oh and about the choir alumni practice?? i think i can make it!!! yippee!!! my father has promised to fetch me from school on fridays, that is, if the practices are on fridays. -___- hope they didn't change the plans.

and other highlights? the usual routine. there are a few things i want to share really but the presence of the pile of homework right beside me intimidates me (it is seriously flapping and flapping its pages violently) and i thought of how i worked till 11pm yesterday to finish them off, and also the possible consequences i would have to face if my form teacher finds my tutorial undone. *gulps*

i promise i'll write more, and i'll visit your blogs the next time i use the computer!!! *pinky-finger* forgive me!!!

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Monday, January 17, 2005

8:39 PM

currently listening to: Sayonara Solitaire [Chrno Crusade]

i've come to the horrifying conclusion that i'm indeed getting fat.

no kidding! i was trying on a swimsuit the other day and the bulge was so extremely OBVIOUS!!! oh man, i'm gonna die... this means serious dieting-- i'm gonna climb the stairs everyday, do sit-ups everyday and... what else?? i don't have time to run though.

speaking of running, i'm having PE tomorrow and PE in ACJC is... running several rounds even though it's raining, raising your legs in the air for minutes while singing "twinkle twinkle little star"... etc. these i'm gonna go through the first thing in school tomorrow morning, for 1 hour 20 minutes. in other words it's extremely tough and being in the state that i am in now (BULGING FAT), i'm simply going to make a fool outta myself tomorrow. please pray for me.

JC life's pretty much about lectures and tutorials and finding your way in the big big school. lectures? i stare at the teacher, try to absorb, suddenly she seems to talk without full-stops, i start to wonder what she's talking about, and my brain switches off.

that's basically how i work in ACJC now. all lectures except for history. tutorials are fine. the AO math teacher seems kind, the chinese teacher seems nothing more than a common ah-so from the market, the lit teacher is someone who seemed as if he's associated with the color purple, and the GP teacher seems a little boring but since they say GP is great in ACJC i guess i shall just wait and see.

interaction with classmates-- i am with them almost every minute in school, as a class. seriously, we go everywhere as a class. lectures, tutorials, recess, lunch. but that's probably better for me cuz at least there'll be more interaction and i don't have to do everything alone. but still, i kinda keep to myself during our mass conversations. firstly, i just dunno what to talk about. secondly, you know. and i think i've become the 'timetable girl'. i've been asked the same questions for 8 times today. everyone's asking me about the next lesson, where and when etc. -__-"

i think this is the way my first 3 months of ACJC is going to go. attending lectures and tutorials and trying to understand, keeping to myself during conversations and speaking only when necessary, reading newspapers daily, trying to keep myself awake in school and of course... DIETING!!!

i am really really really really extremely terribly horribly upset about the bulging stomach that i have that is so obvious now. i shall go on a hunger strike.

Graduation
Vitamin C

And so we talked all night about the rest of our
lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming
back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different
track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have
another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without
sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love
But it came too soon
And there was me and you
And then we got real cool
Stay at home talking on the telephone with me
We'd get so excited, we'd get so scared
Laughing at ourselves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels

As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever

So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in
school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can we ever find a job that won't interfere with
a tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels

La, la, la, laà
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, laà
We will still be friends forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about
now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us
'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Sunday, January 16, 2005

1:01 AM

currently listening to: Suteki Da Ne [Final Fantasy X]

talk about not having enough determination-- the holidays have taken it away. one minute i was staring at my notes, telling myself that i would seriously start compiling my notes, when the laptop beside me caught my eye and pronto! i'm here with my blog.

i'm rather pleased to announce that i am now an inch (maybe 2 inches) closer to my classmates since the day before yesterday. Zhen Yin had her friends crashing into ACJC so i hung around my classmates like i should be. they weren't that bad, most of them are easy to talk to (though i don't try to hold on to our conversations), and we have some private class jokes to share already. like the time when Cavell took us to LT5 by the back door and we ended up being the earliest and only class in the LT, while all the other classes were still waiting foolishly outside the LT. we had a good laugh over us apparently being 'smarter' than the others, and subjecting ourselves to the extreme coldness of the LT (i coincidentally forgot my jacket that day too) where we had to switch jackets with each other repeatedly to keep ourselves warm.

basically it's a nice class, though sometimes due to inevitable circumstances i will end up feeling a little left out of their conversations. but i think i'll have to bear with it cause all i'm going to be doing the following weeks would be to sit through torturous lectures and boring tutorials with them until 0430 everyday.

ok maybe except for wednesday.

hopefully i'll get to be closer to them and everything, though i have become sort of an introvert in school now (you understand why). i'll jing liang!!!

i met up with xinwei, carine and tingxu after school last friday. being the earliest there, i walked around white sands, visiting the spots that we used to hang out so frequently. the first shop was Comics Connection (wahahaha). immediately i was reminded of the comic book sale last year where judy and i would spent hours (ok, not that bad) digging through the comic books for the greatest deals (jiehui hunted for her "Red Moon"), while xinwei and alrina would rot in a corner and subsequently develop a phobia of comic book sales.

i passed by Courts on my way up and images of "The Hunk" and "Spider Man" and "The Day After Tomorrow" appeared in my mind when the TV was actually screening some other unknown movie (it's been a LOOONG time since i went to the cinema). somehow we would always watch the same scenes on the TV whenever we passed by Courts and we would say, "har... hai zai zuo zhe ge ar... hen jiu liao leh!!!" i think this became part of our routine. *wahahaha*

then i went to popular, and recalled the time when tingxu and i were looking at the chess sets and telling each other the specific chess set that we wanted for our birthday so long ago. we took a long time to decide, especially for tingxu's western chess set. there were so many she could choose from while they was only one pathetic Go set that i can choose. *sobx* talk about being unfair.

i entered CD-Rama and was surprised that they had changed so much. the things i knew were at that spot weren't at that particular spot anymore. felt a little disappointed that things could change so much in such a short timespan of 3 months. i remember the first time i went to CD-Rama with Jiehui and she was looking for some kinda Celtic CD, and my thoughts at that time?? man, she has unique taste. *wahhahaha* (pipi!! dun bash me!!!)

i still had 20 minutes left so i decided to visit the library. the moment i walked through the sensors i recalled the time when xinwei's library book wasn't scanned properly and the sensors sounded when we walked through it. most of us had borrowed library books so we weren't sure whose book it was that had the problem so we walked back in one by one. *whahahaha* come to think of it, it was so funny. how come we didn't laugh as much then???

i saw that there were new postcards on the rack so i went to get some. there were haisians lunching at the cafe. it seemed as if i expected liping, yokes and michelle to walk into the library any minute and settle themselves onto the cafe chairs and chat away with the cafe workers while i sneak around them and try to steal some of their fries and wedges. i was, of course, always dealt with the tickles when caught, which was proudly executed by michelle.

the whole library was just filled with memories. every corner, every spot, everywhere. from frantically messing up the shelves for recipe books for the FNN project, to settling ourselves down in the junior section tables and end up being shooed by the librarians who were so fond of saying, "no studying in the library please." not to forget the time when my precious file was "confiscated" by the librarian and i sorta 'wasn't-very-polite-to-her' that tingxu kept reminding me of the unforgettable incident throughout the years.

i was looking through shakespeare's works (yes, i am desperate to UNDERSTANMD literature) when tingxu called to say carine and her had arrived. when i saw her and carine walking in the library, my mind went blank for a moment as i held on to the phone with my mouth opened like an idiot, staring at the 2 of them.

before i knew it i was trying to hold back my tears as i embraced the 2 of them. i can't explain the tears. it was their exclaimation of, "oh ! you've changed so much!! you're so black!! really leh!!" and the smile they had on their faces when they spotted me and they way the hurried towards me while i just stared at them for a few seconds before i rushed over too and the sheer joy of realising that i was then looking at their faces instead of at their sms-es in my handphone. it's everything. i felt as if i've recovered something i had lost, or maybe thrown away, because it had seemed to be too tattered and torn and had been there for so long that i forgot about it and its importance.

learn to lose before you learn to cherish.

we ate at Mcdonald's, talking about things that happened in our JCs and so on. there wasn't a single time i felt as if we have not seen each other for a long time because it just seemed so natural. it seems so natural to be there in Mcdonalds and laughing and joking about stuff, even though we were talking about our new environments. i just forgot that they are not my present schoolmates anymore.

then we went to CS and visited Judy, who seemed to be suffering from extreme boredom and tiredness of the shop.*whahaha* coincidentally we met Lee Tung at CS too, and we said i was black. *sobx* oh! and i met Jessica at White Sands too! working at the Bata store. and she said i was very black, like charcoal. *sobx*

after all these years, i am finally seriously considering the option of buying whitening lotion. all thanks to orientation. *clenches fist*

time flew as usual, and we parted. it was kinda depressing for me cuz i was immediately reminded of the fact that i will be going back to ACJC on monday, and that i will not have the time to meet up with my friends so often anymore. but somehow, it wasn't so bad already. at least i didn't remain depressed for the rest of the weekend. *whahaha*

thanks guys. =)

did i tell you that we had our choir alumni meeting at habbo.com.sg yesterday?? *wahhaha* habbo is so cute, you gotta add me as a friend if you wanna see exactly how black i've become. and we're still currently stuck on the name for the alumni. wouldn't "the alumni" sound cool?? nobody had ever used it before and i think it's nice!!! apparently no one is in favour of it though. *sobx* i think our first performance is for the CNY concert in HSC. i doubt i can make it though. school ends at 0430 on fridays for me and i doubt i can make it for the practices even if i mastered the art of flying. *sobx*

never mind. i just have to endure all these for 3 months. 3 months and i have all the time in the world. ok, maybe not all the time, but definitely more time than i have right now. and we're singing Suteki Da Ne?? i think so. not confirmed yet.

lectures and tutorials unti 0430pm in ACJC everyday... *sigh*

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

10:04 PM

currently listening to: Yume No Basho He[w-inds.]

From fairest creatures we desire increase,
That thereby beauty's rose might never die,
But as the riper should by time decease,
His tender heir might bear his memory:
But thou contracted to thine own bright eyes,
Feed'st thy light's flame with self-substantial fuel,
Making a famine where abundance lies,
Thy self thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel:
Thou that art now the world's fresh ornament,
And only herald to the gaudy spring,
Within thine own bud buriest thy content,
And, tender churl, mak'st waste in niggarding:
Pity the world, or else this glutton be,
To eat the world's due, by the grave and thee.

ok, let me formally announce that i haven't a single idea on how to approach this subject named Literature. thee? thou? thy? thine? art? what???

and i personally think it is humanly impossible to read every single article in the newspapers everyday in the limited time span that we have before we doze off on the bed.

lessons have been exhausting, and i am made to sit through a C Maths Lecture for the rest of my 3 months in ACJC. Logarithms? the topic is as complex as its name. i'm not even SUPPOSE to take C Maths, and the teacher is blabbering away as if every single one of us knows what's the difference between logarithms and lon (In) and... whatever.

i think i need tuition. definitely.

if you wanna talk about life in ACJC... have i told you about my class? 16 students, 5 guys, 11 girls, 4 SCGS girls (or issit 5?) and a female malay form teacher who claims that she came from a communist school and insists that she is only 6 months older than us all.

my relationship with my classmates? not a very close one. not that they dislike me or something, neither is it that i despise them, but it's just that i've been hanging out with a Kranji Sec girl, Zhen Yin, whom i met during the first day of school. she's also the only one from her school who entered ACJC so naturally we sorta clicked. so as you can guess, during all the free periods and all, i'm not spending time with my classmates but rather with Zhen Yin, who is not in my class. thus there isn't much chance for me to interact with them, and i'm getting rather worried about this.

of course, this doesn't mean that i don't like to hang out with Zhen Yin. it's ok, i feel at ease with her because she doesn't speak 'fake eng' and we can communicate in Mandarin most of the time, talking about all sorts of things in ACJC, being the only student there and etc. i feel more comfortable hanging out with her than anyone else whom i've met, for now.

but maybe i should really try to spend some time with my classmates, they are starting to click and i'm like the only one who's always not with them?? *sobx* i'll try to find a solution somehow. it doesn't mean i'm going to stop hanging out with Zhen Yin though.

GOD HELP ME.

and my mother going overseas for a business trip AGAIN at the end of this month, which means she can't send me to school every morning anymore. one and a half hour journey... i feel like dying.

i think my mother's arranging for a taxi to take me to the JC right now. i know what you guys must be thinking... taxi?? to school??? let me stress again that i defintely do not have as much dough as some people in the junior college, or even some of you. that's why i'm feeling... that i really shouldn't spend so much of my parents' money anymore. it's gonna cost a lot.

argh... guilt.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Monday, January 10, 2005

6:15 PM

currently listening to: Yume No Basho He[w-inds.]

hi. first day of lectures just ended today.

lectures today started off with nothing. a couple of self-introductions and introduction to the subject and etc. basically, i gained no knowledge today, academically-wise. i think it's gonna be the same tomorrow. after all, it IS our FIRST lecture. i guess the teachers wanna give us a good impression and not bore us to death.

we had chapel this morning too. believe it or not, it lasted all the way till recess at 9.10am. this means that 1/4 of the day was spent on devotion to God. is that considered good or not?? i'm confused.

and there was a choir audition after school today. as you can probably guess, i had to hang around in school cuz lessons for me ended at 11.50am and the choir audition was at 2pm (normally, we can only leave school earliest 1.10pm, even if lessons end early). made a couple of new friends, found someone who had the same interest (ANIME!!) as me and she even reads Peacemaker Kurogane (can't believe it). unfortunately... she's in a different class and i don't think we can even meet up often during lectures (different lecture theatres).

and now i am going to talk about the choir audition... hmm...

i failed. not that they told me in the face that i failed, it was customary for the choir there to call you around a week later to inform you whether you've been selected or not but i am positive i failed.

let me just tell you how it's suppose to go. they asked me to sing our school song (yes, the 'come on hai sing~' one) TWICE, then a segment of the AC school song.

"now sing this: god SAVE this land and heaven bless our ACS forever~~"
"ahh... what are the lyrics???" (i din noe the song yet)
"oh, then nvm about the lyrics. sing: laLALAlalalalalalalalala~~" (sing to 'la')
"umm.. ok... laLAlalalalalalalalala~" (TERRIBLY off tune. i was shocked)
"do that again one more time. listen carefully: laLAlalalalalalala~~"
"laLAlalalalalalalaa~" (still HORRIBLY off tune. i was devastated)
"ok xinyi. thank you. we'll call you blah blah blah"

sobx. the note is PEANUTS to the hai sing choir but i couldn't reach it!!! i was flabbergasted after i left the audition room. call myself a HAIsinger. S1 sumore. it was as if i sang in monotone!!! and the note is one which we would ALWAYS sing during warm-ups. it wasn't high at all!!! yet i couldn't reach it!!! what the hell happened to me???

i was so sad (still am). so sad that i phoned judy and told her that my hopes of getting into ACJC choir has gone up in smoke. now i have no CCA to join because the CCA exhibition is over and i didn't know the respective CCA-in-charges. i am still gonna try and ask around tomorrow about the photographic society. hopefully i can still get in. but i sms-ed tingxu just now about the choice of my CCA and she advised me to join something more interesting. -____-

maybe she's right. but i am really someone without much talents. i mean, i have been in choirs all my life!!! suddenly there is this change and i have no idea what i am good at now. didn't have the chance to explore. or rather, i'm too easily contented. and actually the photography club had been my second choice ever since i saw the choice of CCAs ACJC had to offer. moreover, it is only for the first 3 months!! i doubt i'll ever step into ACJC after that so...

i'll try asking around tomorrow. *prays*

ok, next i am going to move on to another topic.

i wanna thank all my friends for putting up with me so far. i recognise that i have been a little overbearing ever since i entered ACJC. not that i became *ahem*, of course, but because i have been complaining too much about the JC.

just look at my past few entries!! ALL about ACJC and how my life sucks there!!! i mean, i can't even stand reading them myself! and all throughout the day i have been sms-ing people and telling them how sad and unhappy i am in ACJC that even i myself felt irritated at my behaviour.

if i am bored in school, i would sms and say, "i'm bored. pls entertain me. sobx."
if i am sad, i would sms and say, " sobx. i so sad. I SO SAD!!!..."
if i am feeling angry at things, i would sms and say, "shit! i am so pissed!!..."
if i am feeling amused at things, i would sms and say, "hey! wassup! you know there's is..."

EVERYTHING IS COMPLAINTS AND COMPLAINTS AND COMPLAINTS!!! and i do that everyday.

it's like i'm a whiny girl who does nothing but complain and depend on others for comfort and support all the time. ok, maybe technically, i am. i always feel very bad when i sms my friends and pour my troubles out to them so often. i mean, they have their own stuff to do as well and yet i continue to bug them all day.

but i just can't help it. i hope you guys understand. i'm not mature enough to be fully independent. i need support and comfort and whatever, and i must say i don't like the way i am right now. i know that all these vulnerabilities become overbearingly obvious especially after i got into ACJC but i guess i must find my way to grow up somehow. just not right away. give me some time. i promise after a few weeks, i'll not bug you guys so much anymore.

thank you judy, for attending to all my complaints and never saying that you're sick of them when i keep repeating the same depressing things over and over again almost everyday. ya such a sweet and understanding girl. i don't know why but whenever i feel like complaining i'll think of you. *wahahah* kinda miss those days when we took bus 21 home together. we didn't talk much then and now i am truly regretful for keeping my golden mouth shut most of the time on the bus. i should have talked more!! what was it with me!?!?! now that we've no chance to talk so often anymore, i keep bugging you to chat with you. it's so ironic.

thank you xinwei, for at least always sms-ing me to keep me entertained with whatever that's happening over at your side. i know sometimes i take a long time to reply cuz it was always during assembly and lectures that i receive your sms. you have no idea how comforted i am whenever i receive an sms from you, just telling me about what you've encountered. it's so good to know that someone still remembers you and bothers to interact with you still!! those days when we talk about all lame things under the sun everyday are over now... and now it's so hard to even relate simple daily events through sms-es...

thank you tingxu, for still bothering to keep in contact. i know you must be very intrigued with JC life right now, and that there are a thousand and one things you will want to explore. being so serious about work as you are, you must find it very hard to keep in contact (longer school hours etc) yet sometimes you still bother to ask me, "hey, how's school today?" and i would reply with a million and one complaints about ACJC. *sobx* i think you must feel very irritated by me. hehe... but thanks man, you are the most faithful friend one can ever ask for. i miss those days when you'll knock me on the head with the class diary... and chide me for whatever lame jokes that i cracked... hahaha...

thanks to the pigs too! they've been my source of encouragement in making friends. just thinking about you guys makes me assured that making friends isn't all that difficult at all. =)

and to juliana and regina, who have always been assuring me that they'll never forget me and our friendship will remain forever and ever. i mean, the friendship with you guys confirms the fact that there ARE friends who will walk with you all the way. we've been friends for more than 6 years now, from primary school till the present, you two have always remained my best friends and have been there for me all the time. you guys can read me like a book (*sobx* no privacy) but still i have to say, honestly and sincerely, thanks. =)

and pipi!!! dunno where you go liao. i'm really sorry that i wasn't there for you when you needed support or something (maybe), and not contacting you even once since school reopened... gosh, i am feeling guilty already. i promise to contact you k! but you must also reply one leh!!! just don't find me a drag lah hor.. i will complain and complain and complain.. hehe.. miss drinking from your water bottle, man. i can't get used to any other types of bottles. *sobx*

and alrina lah... just wanna let you know... it's friends forever too ok? and i will sms too once in a while to complain *wahahah* and thanks for being so enthusiastic about things too. it really gets the atmosphere up sometimes. i miss those days where we would lame around together man. i think your jokes are lamer than mine. *wahahah* ok lah... i am partly responsible for you being so lame anyway... love ya!!!

and to ah~ma!! *wahahah* i guess you didn't expect me to thank you rite!! just wanna say thanks for letting me hug you the other day lah... i really needed that man. i was like despairing over life in ACJC for the next day then i suddenly saw a hai sing uniform and found your familiar face that i couldn't control myself. i think you must be shocked though *whaahha* can still remember your expression. and also, thank you for always replying to whatever i post on my blog. it's a source of encouragement for me to pour out my troubles freely and without restraint here, knowing that someone will always be here to receive them. =)

despite saying all this... i'm still gonna continue bugging you guys for some time. *wahahha* like i said, give me time.

i miss my brother!!! argh. he better not be seeing this. he's not gonna believe his eyes that i actually wrote 'i miss him'. *sobx* nobody at home for me to complain to now...

i'm getting emotional. life in ACJC really makes me stretched mentally and physically (such long school hours *sweatdrops*). *sigh* i guess i better get prepared for another day there...

and ask around for the photography club too.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Saturday, January 08, 2005

9:52 PM

currently listening to: Kagayaku Sora to Kimi no Koe [Ranma 1/2]

one week in acjc and orientation's over.

sometimes i really feel so blah at some things. for example you sms a friend, attempting to chat to cure your boredom. you receive some replies for the first few messages, and after that the phone quiets down and you realize that your friend must either had his or her phone missing while sms-ing you, or that he or she can't be bothered at all. *sigh* but i still miss them.

the last day of orientation was rather memorable. there were 2 dances that we had to learn and throughout the 5 days i was totally struggling to remember the sequence of the dance steps, boogie and superstar. during the very last practise, i was still screwing up and stepping on my dance partner's toes so i was thinking to myself,dead-ed. i'm a goner, i'm gonna make a fool of myself tonight!!!

but miraculously, i could do all the dance steps at the performance!! i dunno wat overcame me but the songs repeated and repeated and repeated and i could finish the dance no matter how many times the songs were played. *wahhahaha*

after that, there was this after-the-party kinda celebration where we also had to dance (for choir people, the kind of dance that the other choir members danced after the whole NDP performance ended in 2003), and i was dancing away like nobody's business. can you imagine?? me?? dancing as if i was at a disco party?? argh. i dunno what happened to me but everyone else was doing the same thing.

and i came back with my whole body full of rashes yesterday. why? we were made to roll in wet mud (one of the orientation games) and i think i'm allergic to that. yes, my WHOLE body is now covered with rashes with pus oozing out of them. someone comfort me.

oh, and i met my class yesterday too. i think i left a bad impression with my form teacher. i didn't know the difference between the abbreviations for maths, MA and MO. which one of them is for Math AO? and which one for Maths C? so i turned and asked the girl beside me in the smallest possible volume i could... but she still saw me. probably because there were only 16 students in the classroom (we only filled half the classroom). embarassed, i quickly replied that i think there was a mistake with my subject combination so she asked me to mark it in red but she gave me a really *ahem* face. plus i couldn't find a red pen.

after she went through all the rules and stuff, she asked for the list of subject combinations that she had passed around the class earlier on (the one i had problems with). my classmates had already finished checking the list so they passed it to me since i had problems with my subject combination. so when she asked for it, i stood up with the list and went forward to clarify the difference between MA and MO. i dunno what the hell happened.

"ahh.. i just wanna noe.. does MO stands for maths AO? cuz..." (i din get to finish my sentence and i doubt she heard what i said)
"yesssss...? (sarcastic) but you're not the only one who has to check! the others have to check their combinations too!!!" *she stares at the list in shock*
"....."
*she turns around and frowns, attempting to ask the class*
"but they have already finished checking so they passed it to me." (i was extremely bu shuang)

she didn't say anything after that and went on with her other rules and stuff. i din even get to clarify my stuff. man, there are only 16 students and she had been talking for 45 minutes already!! does she think that we're that slow and that she's that fast with her stuff??? GOD.

and she's a malay. so, as usual, like all the other non-chinese teachers, she can't remember my name because there are too many girls in the class with the "shi-" pronunciation kinda name.

so as you can guess, i'm gonna have a hard time in class with her, and she's teaching me economics.

but my classmates were ok, at least that was the first impression they gave me. the woman gave us time to talk among ourselves, introduce and etc so we talked until the meet-the-teacher session was over. I FOUND A GUY FROM RSS!!!! but apparently we didn't know each other, and hadn't heard of each other when we were in RSS. he moved to Pasir Panjang after primary school and was from Victoria Secondary. we talked, but not much.

the bulk of the class was from SCGS (Singapore Chinese Girls School), and i've heard that they are a little *ahem* (no, *ahem* does not stand for lesbians, just for your info. something other than that), according to the SCGS girl in my OG (i dun wanna mention names, just in case). but i'm not gonna give much serious thought to it since i don't really know them well.

*feel uneasy* someone may be reading this. maybe i'll consider deleting this section.

and there's this OG outing this afternoon but i couldn't make it because... MY BROTHER ENTERED THE ARMY TODAY!!!

i dunno. he has been dreading this day since the day he realised that there's no way he can escape from army life. but he took it all rather well these few days (even putting up with my nonsensical tantrums) and kept repeating that he's gonna keep a 'low profile' in there. whatever it is, i just hope that he doesn't become the black sheep there, whom everyone will pick on and bully. that's bad. very bad. *prays*

we went for the army briefing and camp orientation today at Pulau Tekong (my father, mother, 2 aunts and myself). i felt the place was nice, and they gave us the impression that life there was all right, at least not as bad as we expected. my natural instinct struck again and i began to doubt whether all that was just some cover to prevent piles and piles of complaint letters from coming in. maybe i should stop thinking like that cuz i don't exactly like the picture that i had painted inside my mind.

the amusing thing that happened there was that there were different stalls for Muslim and non-Muslim food at the army camp. my aunts and i decided to have the Muslim food since the non-Muslim chicken rice looked like prison food to us. we we spent some time queuing for the Muslim food, getting our plates and bowls and cups and cutlery and stuff. and when we finally got to the front of the queue...

"ahh.. sorry... the food is only for Muslims."

how embarassing it was for us to return all the plates to their original places ourselves.

yeah, so we ate and all gave our advice to my brother, who was nodding away and repeating that he would 'jing liang lah' (try his best, lah). my mother spotted an army officer walking around and called for him as if she was calling for a waiter -__-. questions were fired and the officer was patient and kind enough to answer them all. somehow i felt that he was just trying to polite and after that he will remember my brother's face then seek him out later and make him do a hundred chin-ups for having annoying parents and aunts.

our conversation:

"kor.. deng yi xia wo men zou le, scarly ta jiao ni zuo 100 chin-ups ar.."
"har? zhor mor leh??"
"mummy ta men yi zhi zai hong zha ta mah.."
"BU HUI BA!?!?"

our translated conversation:

"kor.. i think he's gonna make you do 100 chin-ups after we leave, ar.."
"huh? why, leh?"
"cuz mummy and co. are firing questions at him like nobody's business, mah.."
"(how do you translate "bu hui ba'??? lemme try...) no can be!?!?!?"

then it was time to say goodbye. we kept turning around and looking at my brother when he left for the enlistee group that the army officer had to come forward, tell us not to worry and may we please leave before we clog up the walkway.

then on the way home my father lost his handphone. there was this big hoo-hah over it and we went to place and place to look for it. first stop was the pasir ris mrt station where we set off. my aunt blew her top when the staff there started giving her attitude. and when she was on the phone with the SMRT staff, she was screaming into the phone and the whole station was staring at her and i was standing just in front of her. use your imagination.

my mum, who was waiting in the car, called up the helpline or something and the person gave her attitude too. so as you can imagine, everyone was screaming away.

but in the end we drove the the SAF ferry terminal where we waited for a long time for the ferry to return and finally found the phone with my aunt's very sharp eyes. she told me later that she was so agitated by the whole issue not only because the staff gave her attitude but also because she felt "bu an" (uneasy) that the phone was missing right after we left our brother at the army camp. superstition??? whatever. we still found the phone in the end but we ALSO discovered that our bathroom will flood when we bath cuz the water refuses to go down the drain. in other words, our bathroom drain is clogged up. now i'm getting worried, rashes and superstitions and ACJC and all.

hate to admit it but i'm gonna miss my brother very very much. i probably won't have anyone to tell my complaints to now that he's not at home. especially now that i'm in ACJC.. but at least he's gonna come back after 2 weeks, though only for a few days.

tough days. both my bro and me.

so now i'm living in a house without my brother. *cold wind blows* brrr... it's cold...

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

9:51 PM

currently listening to: Taisetsu na Negai [Nanaka 6/17]

i am currently living my third day in acjc.

acjc's a nice place, and the seniors are really nice too. we were split into our OGs, called Esprites, and the whole week is orientation where we play and get dirty and disgusting. there's is trend there to play with starch (sticky gooey substance that resembles glue). the day's soo tiring i just flop down on the bed and sleep the moment i get back home.

the JC1s there are ok, not VERY friendly but once you're friends they won't like "eeks.. look at that girl!" or something (like they were rumoured to be).

and i think my parents can really tell that i'm having a hard time in acjc? of course they reprimanded me at first but after that they really went out to help me with acjc life. like my father went to tpjc to ask if i can still appeal for a transfer? although they said they can't take me in cuz they were FULLY OCCUPIED, i was really touched at this action. and they have been driving me home for the past 2 days. i feel really relieved that they can fetch me cuz orientation is SUPER TIRING (7+ to 5+6+) and i can't really drag myself to take one and a half hour's of public transport to get home.

so i kinda feel guilty now that they're so concerned for me right now. i mean, i'm not the kinda filial girl (also not an unfilial one though) and there are times when i am not really that nice to them. it sorta pricks me now that they're so good to me. argh. i am a loser.

and my brother too. i don't whether he's feeling guilty that he 'made' me choose acjc or whatever, but he had been kinda nice to me these days. i think he understands me very well and so he knows what i'm going through hence the nice attitude. and when i get rude to him he doesn't mind and this really gets to me because i'm so evil and he's like soo nice? no, it doesn't irritate me but... i feel guilty. i mean, which brother is as nice as to endure his little sister's tantrums and still be so nice to her when he himself is leaving for the dreaded army in 3 days time (yes, he HATES army)??? i am such a loser sister.

and sometimes, i feel really cheated that having worked so hard these 4 years just to want to be in the same JC as him, yet in the end i ended up being sooo far away from him? i mean, i know it's my own decision but... i still feel cheated. Blah.

i miss hai sing soo much. i miss my friends sooo much. xinwei, judy, jiehui, alrina, tingxu, michelle, carine, liping and yoke ling and juliana...the list goes on. argh!! i miss them SOOO much!! it's so sad to know that we cant be together anymore, and gradually our friendship will lessen and lessen and lessen till nil? i am sooo depressed.

in any case i hope 3 months will be over real soon. give me support!!!

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Saturday, January 01, 2005

10:20 PM

currently listening to: Taisetsu na Negai [Nanaka 6/17]

time flew and here we are in the year 2005.

looking back, secondary school days seemed to be filled with alot of different faces. as i recall every area of the school, there are always so many faces that appear along with those spots. the 4E5 classroom with the usual giggling and laughing and cracking of lame jokes, the 2E4 classroom buzzing with activity and animated conversations, the canteen where we spent so much time queueing up just for a piece of bread or a plate of chicken rice, the library with its 'sophisticated' music and slow-like-tortoise librarian (not to forget the time when we were forced to write down our phrases and book titles there or serve a fate worse than death executed by the HOD), the classroom corridor that is always swarmed with students almost every fifth time the bell rings, the parade ground where we were always shooed by those nasty prefects to sit and read while the HOD goes around pulling our hair and kicking our legs, the hall where we receive daily leg cramps with our ears subjected to endless talking and nagging and scolding and presentations...

and the toilet where i spent many moments with on the toilet bowl i so loved.

everything suddenly becomes very blurry as the scenes play themselves in the 'super fast forward' mode. there are just so many so many things to remember yet it is sad that it is inevitable that one day, half or even more than half of these scenes will never surface in my mind again. that's the way it goes.

things become even more depressing when i realise that there's only one more day left to the reopening of school, an unfamiliar school that is located miles and miles away from my warm and cosy home...

and i have no idea what to do there. *dread*

honestly and extremly truthfully, i really don't want to go for the first 3 months in ACJC. the thought of being separated from those familiar faces and surroundings just freaks me out. it's like the first day of primary school where you get plonked there and don't even know a single person. but still, it's different. i mean, it's primary school! interacting with 7-year-old kids is easy for an adult, and EVEN MORE easier when you are a 7-year-old kid yourself. but between 16-year-olds... things are different because everyone has grown up.

sigh.

still, i'm counting my blessings. i hope the 3 months will be over just like how fast year 2004 did. i don't care about TJC anymore, i just wanna go someplace where i know the people there. some place like TPJC, or even MJC. hopefully i'll still score enough get into these nearby JCs. *crosses fingers*

and some things just cannot be forgotten no matter how hard you try. i tried, i failed, but i'm not the least unhappy about it-- all thanks to my inborn stubborness.

let me talk about other things.

the pigs meet really started me thinking recently. we exchanged christmas gifts and shared thoughts and ate at Seoul Garden (black shop, do not ever go there as long as you are not as rich as Bill Gates). after the meal at Seoul Garden we went to Tingxu's house to exchange gifts. somehow we started talking about real serious stuff like politics and religion and tsunamis. *feels funny*

politics? ahh.. basically casinos and gays and stuff. we didn't get too agitated over these stuff as most people would but many of us were just not happy with the casino and the gay stuff.

religion. talked about christianity. found out that day that yokes and li have converted so that leaves michelle and me being the only non-christians in the group. somehow, the topic got me intrigued. all the stuff about the prophecies and warnings that the time is gonna come soon really got me thinking. can they just be coincidences? there's this natural instinct in me to doubt every piece of information that i receive, especially when i'm not exactly familiar with it.

but i find it amazing that some of the prophecies my friends talked about really did come true already. i became a little fearful of seeing my friends just disappear all of a sudden and leaving me behind. i became even more fearful when i read about the relevation in the bible.

i don't wanna talk about my doubts and questions about the issue. i have a certain degree of belief in it already. but somehow, i really don't wanna just convert like that. whether it is stubborness or cowardice i don't know but there are many problems to face if i just make up my mind like that. family is the first and biggest problem. i cannot lie to my parents and convert behind their backs and i know that they will never be willing to convert, least to say let me convert. then it's also my problem-- i fear i lack the sincerity.

i don't wanna just believe in something because i fear that something bad will happen to me if i don't. it is because i was told of the possible grim result that i started to think about the issue. otherwise i don't think i'll ever give much serious thought about it. so it's just not possible for me to agree to something so serious with the reason that i fear for my life. in my opinion, i would be a coward and an insincere believer who turn to Christ because i am afraid of facing hell alone when the day comes. that would be a tremendous personal insult to both myself and the religion. if i want to be a believer, i should not believe only because of such reasons.

and i am also starting to question it. so this means that i cannot just convert like that when i am not firmly clear of the issue. at least for now i can't.

maybe i need more time.

ahh... how come i became so serious?? let me talk about the first day of the new day. like it should happen, i received so greetings for the new year.... at home. *sobx* wasn't allowed to go to the countdown at downtown east where Li and Michelle and Alrina was at. i'm tying hard to persuade my parents to let me go next year though *hopeful*. and just when i was soundly asleep wanfung called and hung up the moment i answered. felt like hitting him when i had struggled so much just to get up from bed and answer the call. then it turned out that he just wanted to say "a happy new year and merry christmas" (maybe he was talking about the 12 days of christmas -_-"), and he laughed and laughed and laughed on the phone and left me completely blur-rified at what was going on -__-". wonder how many people he woke felt like hitting him as much as i did that night.

yes, i value my beauty sleep!!!

and you asking for my new year resolution?? ahh...

firstly, to survive the first 3 months of ACJC.
secondly, to strive and strive and strive for the general paper and AO maths.
thirdly, to always contact my friends.
fourthly, to read newspapers everyday.
fifthly, to go on a diet. *bulging stomach alert*

oh yes, we went through grandfather's leftover medical supplies yesterday and donated them all to the tsunami disaster victims this afternoon. never thought that these supplies would come in handy in such a situation like this though. hope they'll be of a little help. money?? yeah, we gave that too. kinda disheartening to see years of hard work put in by the locals of the disaster-struck areas just gone like that. makes me think if hard work really pays off when they can be so easily swept away like that. *sighs* and isn't it obvious enough?? just a few big waves and so many lives come to an end, yet some people are lame enough to kill their own species and smash into tall buildings.

hello??? please take care of life...?

so i guess i will not be blogging until the first day of school is over. wish me luck. i really need it. WISH ME LUCK.

and i found this really cute picture of naruto and hinata!!! gogogo hinata!!!

rock lee rocks too!! ahh... sounds funny...





sigh. seasons come and seasons go yet the seasons to be remembered are always the first to be left behind...

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。