currently listening to: Four Seasons [w-inds.]

when my mother stepped into the house at the most abnormal time this evening, i saw her darkened face and felt an urge to inquire the reason for her returning home early. however, the words got stuck at my throat and i found myself unable to speak to her but stared at her with my mouth wide opened like an idiot. feeling uneasy, i returned to the pages of my book.

shortly after, she returned to the lving room and started flipping through the pages of a book which, when i stole a glance at it, stated in big bold letters-- DEAFNESS.

a wave of panic surfaced at the sight of those words. what was happening?? was she going to lose her hearing?? god, no!!

my heart was thumping away furiously when she suddenly called me over and requested for my discman, which was a highly unusual request.

"hey come over. i'm suffering from this disease.." her fingers pointed to a word under the word DEAFNESS, which caused me much anxiety previously, and it spelled TITINUS, a condition where one hears sounds only audible to oneself due to complications in one's ear system.

this means that my mother is hearing weird buzzing noises 24/7 everyday, and it gets worse at night where it is all nice and quiet, interrupting rest and relaxation with constant buzzing sounds. there is no known cure for titinus either.

my mother was worried that she would be driven to the extreme by the irritating sounds and commit somethings stupid. i cursed the doctor who scared her with the example that someone committed suicide just because he could not stand being irritated by the sounds at night.

after comforting her with the help of my very eloquent brother, i started to reflect by myself.

i questioned myself as to why i couldn't bring myself to greet her, and found that i had never bothered to, whether her face was darkened or not. then i questioned myself as to whether i had ever noticed her mood changes, and found that i could only recall the times when she flew into a temper and it affected me. i also tried to recall the times when i have genuinely chatted with her, and found that only the scenes when i complained my 'sufferings' to her, floated into my mind.

unable to think any further, i buried myself in the books. however, as i read the pages of the chemistry textbook, i thought of how vulnerable life can be. i figured that the only way to overcome such unevitable situation, is to have a positive mindset and be able to take these things as they come. fear filled my heart as i felt my lack of determination (my prevalent weakness) becoming a dark and menacing creature who was increasing immensely and rapidly in size, seeming to loom over me like it had never done before.

i should really start to work on my lack of determination right now.

bringing myself back to the world of chemistry formulas and definitions, i felt that something was wrong. i thought hard, and finally realized that i did not have my discman with me. i started towards my schoolbag, and paused when i remembered that my discman was with my mother.

the first thought that came to my mind was, maybe i should get my father to buy me another discman since mother is probably going to use my present one permanently. a few seconds later, i felt guilt overwhelming me.

god. my mother is suffering there and the most i can do is give her my discman to ease her pain, yet i am now feeling annoyed and even thinking of bothering my parents with my wish for a new discman?? and what was i thinking before that? how to prevent MYSELF from suffering from the same disease instead of spending time to comfort her??

i must be the most unfilial daughter on earth, and i've not told her my lousy prelims results either.

i feel lousy.



記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。