currently listening to: Four Seasons [w-inds.]

when my mother stepped into the house at the most abnormal time this evening, i saw her darkened face and felt an urge to inquire the reason for her returning home early. however, the words got stuck at my throat and i found myself unable to speak to her but stared at her with my mouth wide opened like an idiot. feeling uneasy, i returned to the pages of my book.

shortly after, she returned to the lving room and started flipping through the pages of a book which, when i stole a glance at it, stated in big bold letters-- DEAFNESS.

a wave of panic surfaced at the sight of those words. what was happening?? was she going to lose her hearing?? god, no!!

my heart was thumping away furiously when she suddenly called me over and requested for my discman, which was a highly unusual request.

"hey come over. i'm suffering from this disease.." her fingers pointed to a word under the word DEAFNESS, which caused me much anxiety previously, and it spelled TITINUS, a condition where one hears sounds only audible to oneself due to complications in one's ear system.

this means that my mother is hearing weird buzzing noises 24/7 everyday, and it gets worse at night where it is all nice and quiet, interrupting rest and relaxation with constant buzzing sounds. there is no known cure for titinus either.

my mother was worried that she would be driven to the extreme by the irritating sounds and commit somethings stupid. i cursed the doctor who scared her with the example that someone committed suicide just because he could not stand being irritated by the sounds at night.

after comforting her with the help of my very eloquent brother, i started to reflect by myself.

i questioned myself as to why i couldn't bring myself to greet her, and found that i had never bothered to, whether her face was darkened or not. then i questioned myself as to whether i had ever noticed her mood changes, and found that i could only recall the times when she flew into a temper and it affected me. i also tried to recall the times when i have genuinely chatted with her, and found that only the scenes when i complained my 'sufferings' to her, floated into my mind.

unable to think any further, i buried myself in the books. however, as i read the pages of the chemistry textbook, i thought of how vulnerable life can be. i figured that the only way to overcome such unevitable situation, is to have a positive mindset and be able to take these things as they come. fear filled my heart as i felt my lack of determination (my prevalent weakness) becoming a dark and menacing creature who was increasing immensely and rapidly in size, seeming to loom over me like it had never done before.

i should really start to work on my lack of determination right now.

bringing myself back to the world of chemistry formulas and definitions, i felt that something was wrong. i thought hard, and finally realized that i did not have my discman with me. i started towards my schoolbag, and paused when i remembered that my discman was with my mother.

the first thought that came to my mind was, maybe i should get my father to buy me another discman since mother is probably going to use my present one permanently. a few seconds later, i felt guilt overwhelming me.

god. my mother is suffering there and the most i can do is give her my discman to ease her pain, yet i am now feeling annoyed and even thinking of bothering my parents with my wish for a new discman?? and what was i thinking before that? how to prevent MYSELF from suffering from the same disease instead of spending time to comfort her??

i must be the most unfilial daughter on earth, and i've not told her my lousy prelims results either.

i feel lousy.



記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

8:57 PM

currently listening to: Easy Breezy [Utada Hikaru]

dots.

nobody would believe me when i say i had a C5 for English. the first thing they say when they meet me, " hey xinyi! A2 right?!?!"

sigh. the unseen pressure acting on one when this happens, worse still, this happens ALL the time. fine, i admit i have the looks of an A-grade nerd but i am definitely NOT SMART.

English. ARGH!! C5!!!

feeling *toot* over this. no, not because i worked so hard yet achieved such a grade. no, not because i had pinned high hopes on getting an A for this subject either. it's because....

i did nothing for this subject, other than the fact that i am having weekly tuition, which i 'try my best' to postpone for as many times as possible.

dreaming of going to TJC?? DREAM ON!!!!

C5 for English and D7 for maths (i haven't actually receive my maths results but i am SO CONFIDENT that i will fail the paper outright, and i am defintely not surprised if i end up last for maths in the whole Sec 4 standard) = 12.

12, is definitely not the kinda mark you wanna get for only TWO subjects (not to mention u have the other 4 to add to it too) if you are aiming for TJC. ARGH!!!! i have no chance at all. NO CHANCE.

BLOWN.

the depressing fact that i am receiving my maths results tomorrow isn't exactly what one may consider comforting either. *note: PIPI. please be reminded to be prepared to treat me to a Mcdonalds EVM tomorrow.

now maths is another subject that i have not touched at all during the holidays, the period where i exercised fully my hidden-and-will-only-surface-once-every-million-years 'A-grade nerd spirit' and worked my brains off trying to study for the prelims by cramming in everything at the last minute due to guilt for lazing around for the whole of the term(i can bet you that no one is gonna believe i only studied during the holidays, much as i tried to put this point across so many times).

not touching maths when maths has always been the bane of my life since the day i stepped into primary school and got whacked on the butt with a ruler by the teacher for not being able to answer a question when asked to go out to the board and solve it in P3, then finally promoted to P6 where i spent many happy days copying maths homework from my best buddy cum maths genius, Mr Low Chen Sheng, who had been posted to Damai Secondary School instead, much to my despair because i lost a potential friend who could 'HELP' me in maths. hey bud, can you apply for a transfer to HSC? or maybe they can make special arrangements for us to sit next to each other so we can erm... help each other.

i must be the stupidest person alive. not studying maths for prelims... what was i thinking?? but somehow i have a feeling that even if i did study my maths, i will STILL be unable to pass the Maths Prelims.

hmm.. maybe i made a wise choice.

considering the fact that everyone who stepped out of the hall on that fateful day had the comment, " oh man! i could have scored for the paper if it was not that tedious! give me more time!!", while i was desperately thinking to myself, " GOD. that was the most difficult paper i have ever sat for. i dunno how to do!! give me one year i also will fail one!!!" (*note: standard english does not apply to me when i am in state of desperation), i think i am more than confirm dead for my Maths Prelims. i just hope i won't score less than a D7.

*prays sincerely to god* AMEN!

i can bet my life that nobody is going to believe i am going to fail my maths, just even though i have stressed a thousand one times that i am definitely not good in my maths. plus i am definitely going to receive a million and one more comments saying, " hey xinyi! A2 for english right???!!!"

i think i better bring my boxing gloves along the school tomorrow to erm...

let off steam.


--------------------------------------

Letter Of Application to Withdraw from Education System

Pupil's Name : Lim Xinyi
Date of Birth: 22/11/1988
Standard : Sec 4
School: Hai Sing Catholic

Reason: i failed my maths. and i messed up my english too.

yours sincerely
lim xinyi

*note: to anyone who might take this 'letter' seriously, i am just letting off steam.
i don't have the guts to do it lah!! *sobx*

pardon me.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Monday, September 27, 2004

6:23 PM

currently listening to: 100 Kai no Kiss [Aya Matsuura]

AH!!!!!!!!

http://member.mu-ha.com/meza/normal_040927_02/index.html

have you seen it? have you seen it?!?!?!

w-inds. 四季 PV!!!!

it looks as if it's gonna be more story-based than dance-based. and did you notice keita's hair?? and the scene with the little girls.... SO SWEET!!! plus he looks super mature. 王子样！！ somehow i prefer the kiddish look BUT i'm not complaining here~~



ryuichi looks good too! obviously he did something to his hair and he looks super cool, of course, after keita. ryohei looks the same though. i think he's the only one who hasn't changed much through this four years. i don't like changes either so it's ok with me~ plus they look great together~

which reminds me that i've witnessed their growth through this four years, and i'm still as amazed as the first time i saw them on MTV pelting out the words to 'Forever Memories'. the reason for my heavy obsession? i guess it's because they are the only group whom i've seen grown so much that it feels so erm... my vocabulary's lousy. but the point is that i'm proud to be a fan~

超级可爱+十分帅气+100%真实+精力充沛+活力四射+从不做作 = 我最看起且支持的 w-inds.!

大好き!!

speaking of growth, i took my graduation photo today. despite the fact that everything was done at lightning fast speed thanks to the super-efficient Ms Karen Ng, whom i think should really consider a career as operation manager of a super big co-operation, i managed to feel a little sad at the thought of leaving this school soon one day.

and when i saw the other students putting on the graduation gown, it was SO CUTE!!! imagine a bunch of Sec 4s scampering around, flustered over their hair and robes, in a super oversized graduation gown. it so resembles a scene from Harry Potter. i am hoping we get to wear that everyday but i gotta be realistic. we will probably sweat like a sick horses (yes, a HORSE, not a PIG.-- just learnt this from jiehui and alrina) in those thick robes. nonetheless, it SO CUTE!! maybe i should consider coming back to Hai Sing next year and watch the present Sec 3s put them on, and also take some pictures of ah~ma in that robe-- a rare and extraordinary sight.

ok, that's not me. what i was really thinking was, O LEVELS ARE NEAR!!! and i am so dead still sitting in this comfy chair staring at the computer screen typing and drooling away over w-inds. PV pictures.

i ought to slap myself.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Saturday, September 25, 2004

2:29 PM

currently listening to: CAROLS [Ayumi Hamasaki]

the prelims are over~

and i think i have a screw loose in my head. can't believe i'm actually hoping for the prelims to be longer. I DON'T WANNA GET MY RESULTS!!!!!

thinking back, i think i really messed up my prelims. i can just imagine the big fat red mark on the top of the cover of my maths paper, and it will also mean that my dreams for the first 3 months in JC is GONE, and it will also mean that i am FAR FAR away from my ridiculous dream of getting into TJC, or, in fact, ANY JC.

and i can just imagine mr das asking about dragon's milk and i will go: "HUH??? what milk?? dragons?? i dunno! you mean dragons do have milk???"

awW shucks. here's a warning: i may ("may"? u kidding??) get cranky when i receive my results, so steer clear and do not ask me ANYTHING about how i fared or risk my fist coming into contact with your face. *visualising*

maybe you guys should get pikachoo to disturb me when i'm in that mood.

oh and did i say i was going to stop blogging??

oh yeah i did! but considering i need to let off steam especially since it's just after the prelims... maybe i should just come back..... FOR A WHILE.

bought a new manga recently-- AMAHARA MAHOU KOTTOU TEN. the story is waaaay warped. imagine a grandson falling for his grandmother who resembles a 5-year old child when the grandson himself is already an undergraduate. *ahem* hard to visualise, so i shan't.

and Star Ocean Blue Sphere book 2 came out today!!! haven't have time to read it, plus i'm gonna go out later with the... erm... with the..?? hey, maybe we should give ourselves a name. something like "THE INCREDIBLE LAMERS", which consists of two pervertic aunties who are experts at generating hentai-related thoughts, and one violent buttock (err, sounds funny) who is really a writer who specialises in pervertic stories, plus an apprentice lamer whose skills are increasing everyday under the guidance of yours truly, and finally a sweet AND lovable AND kind AND gentle girl whom everyone loves!!!

wahahahahahahaha.

i came across something really infuriating.

演唱会中发生不快的小插曲
w-inds. 在名古屋开完演唱会后，有一个竟然对着w-inds. 扔垃圾，为了这件事，凉平完全不理会，龙一回去哭的很伤心，而庆太是气的一句话也不想说，他们不知自己究竟那里做错了，为什么是他们w-inds. 的fans还要对着他们丢垃圾，而且这也已经不是第一次的事了，w-inds. 希望如果你不是他们的真正的fans请不要去想那些不愉快的事情。

......

可恶的家伙!!!我要诅咒你!!!! *诅咒*诅咒*诅咒*诅咒*

do they have peanuts for brains or what? someone should stuff a smelly shoe down their throats and bind their hands and legs with raffia strings and cut off all their hair and sew their lips together (add super glue for better effect) and throw them down the sewage so they would sink and go deeper and deeper and finally drown in a pool of faeces+urine+whatever.

wah... i never thought i could come up with all those cruel stuff. but maybe i should look on the brighter side. maybe she was trying throw them a rose while holding on to a packet of drink in the same hand and just as she was trying to throw the rose, the stem got stuck in the hair of a crazy fan jumping up and down in front of her so she ended up throwing the packet of drink instead.

or maybe she was eating a packet of chips when suddenly she spotted a cockroach in it so she choked on the food and was so shocked that she threw away the packet of chips and it ended up slapping onto w-inds.'s faces.

or maybe they knew that keita likes to eat so they were trying to throw him a packet of food, but they took the wrong one (which they have already finished eating) and threw that instead.

or maybe someone ate a banana and threw the skin onto the floor so the poor girl slipped on it and the banana skin went flying onto the stage.

or maybe osama and a bunch of terrorists disguised themselves as japanese girls and wanted to mess up the concert by throwing rubbish at them.

i am running out of excuses. it's so sad!!! can't imagine how they'll be feeling when the rubbish comes flying through the hair, which from far resembles a spotlight source but it eventually got bigger and bigger and slammed into their faces.

AHHH!!!! I WANNA KILLLLLLL!!!!

plus Jpop Forum is down. i can't figure out where they've gone. ARGGH!!!

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Monday, September 20, 2004

7:16 PM

currently listening to: 四季 [w-inds.]

i'm halfway through the prelims.

there aren't many things i can do about stupid answers (dragon milk.. bah.), careless mistakes and foolish misconceptions, except to sulk over them. coming till this far was something i've never considered before, yet the fact that i am living through it now actually seems so *toot* that i can hardly believe this is what i imagined it to be. weeks after, i shall be looking back at this period of time, slapping myself for the ridiculous mistakes i've made this time, amused at the same time, but mostly filled with regret about the hard work i should have put in, and the things i should have clarified.

and so i was thinking about the events that took place today. years later, i shall be walking down the familiar path of pasir ris park, and will be overwhelmed with emotions by something. then i shall walk to food court at white sands and i shall be sitting at the very table that we sat down at today, thinking about today's events and laughing silently to myself about dragon's milk. next i shall be walking to the pasir ris national library, junior section, and think about how my legs cramped due to the short little chairs they have beside those short little tables. at the same time, i shall be thinking about lame jokes and little actions that took place today. all the things will come back so naturally to be, at the time where i am now imagining now to be, which i know that will be a different feeling from what i expect it to be now, just like what i am experiencing right now.

maybe i should be considering the fact that the roads and building may have been demolished already.

which is exactly the point. there aren't many things that will not change, despite the fact that i am reaching the 6th year already, including the number of things and the number of people that have come and passed through my life. i fear that i will be filled with regret as the time passed, for not working hard enough, for not being firm in my stand, for not being determined in my beliefs, for giving up the things which i am so persistent in right now.

but just like i've said, there aren't many things i can do about the mistakes i have made. careful as i try to be right now, mistakes are still being made, mistakes that i may regret in the future yet am still helpless to do anything about it. maybe by then i shall have given up the things i am striving for now, and as i reflect, i may feel stupid about throwing things away just like that, or i may also feel glad that i've thrown it away. i just don't know what to expect.

just as how i am seating here, typing away in my blog when i have made a resolution not to. i know i will live to regret this.

i am even thinking that it wouldn't matter if i didn't make it to TJC, or any other JC in particular. so this is the depth of my persistence. i am disappointed.

but things shall still carry on the way they are, until this year is over, results revealed and from there i shall make decisions. but whether this itself is a wise decision or not, is not something that i can tell right now. i can't live life without regrets-- that's just not me.

and in case you haven't heard (impossible), w-inds. new single is coming out on the 6th October!! have you seen keita's hair?? o0oo, it the 'try your emotion' hairstyle. i am in love once again.

oh, and also just in case you don't know, my wishlist is up~



『四季』


欲しかったもの　一つずつ手に入れて　その中でも
変わりのない　宝物があって
磁石みたく　訳もなく　ただ惹かれてく　心を
温め合うように　二人を包んだ 春の風

過ごした瞬間が触れた　胸に刻む君とのseasons
ずっとこの先も繰り返すと信じて

明日晴れても雨の日でも　もう今は君に会えない
共に波にさらわれた　あの夏の夢

一晩中そばにいても　またいつもの　日常に　
戻される　夜明けを恨んだり

もしもいつかこの世界の終わりが来て　それでも
二人なら一緒だと思ってた

秋の夜瞳を閉じればいつも　よみがえる君とのseasons
その温もりと痛みは消えないまま

優しさが足りなかったね　不器用な僕に残った
最後に見た思い出はあの冬の涙

so I cannot forget four seasons believe in
君がいない四季を渡るよ

so I cannot forget four seasons believe in
あの空も悲しみも抱いて

so I cannot forget four seasons believe in

過ごした瞬間が触れた　胸に刻む君とのseasons
ずっとこの先も繰り返すと信じて


明日晴れても雨の日でも　もう今は叶えられない
遠い日々に置いてきた　あの二人の夢

so I cannot forget four seasons believe in
so I cannot forget four seasons believe in

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

3:40 PM

currently listening to: 四季 [w-inds.]





2004.10.6 Release (周三)

New Maxi Single「四季」

收录：01.「四季」
02. C/W「永遠の途中」

作詞･作曲・編曲：Hiroaki Hayama

初回盤　CD+DVD仕様　PCCA-2075　￥1,260（税込）
通常盤　CD仕様　PCCA-70087　￥1,113（税込）


『四季』
　w-inds.の切なさをメロディ・詞の世界観全てにおいて出されています。
　Four Seaons（四季）に渡って育まれた男女の想い出・情景を季節感を織り交ぜて
切々と歌い上げる慶太くんのヴォーカルが聴き所となっています。
　今回の作家はファンの間では初期w-inds.を作り上げた最重要人の葉山拓亮さんです。
ファンの間では、以前から『葉山氏待望論』が起きたほどで、w-inds.で待たれていた作家です。
　ファンの期待を裏切らない、それでいて、また新しい一面を見せる『切ない系ソング』！！！


w-inds. 13th maxi single- 「四季」on sale on 6th October!!!

listening to the sample version right now. it's a song by hiroaki hayama, and that's why i am so shocked when i heard the tune.

i thought it was going to be very... 'hayama-ish'... something like feel the fate, paradox etc etc, but... this sounds so..... !

haha, bet you'd think it sounds awful but...

it's great!!! i'm hooked on it already. w-inds. can really sing anything so nicely~~~

since i'm already here, it probably makes sense that i write more about what happened these days. don't accuse me of lazing around, i'm simply... erm...

simply w-inds.-ing. they say that you can go further if you rest more don't they!

anyway, people have been asking me what i want for my birthday, which made me realize how successful i've been in my birthday propaganda. i've successfully instilled in the minds of all my friends the thinking that it is law of nature that they give me a present for my birthday.

i should replace joseph goebbels as the propaganda expert.

sadly, my birthday falls on the last day of the terrible 'O' Level examinations, which means that everyone will be so freaked out that my birthday present will probably be the last thing on their minds.

i'm so sad. but since everyone's asking what i want for my birthday, i shall kindly draw up a WISH LIST for your convenience. hahahahaha....

but seriously, it doesn't matter what you guys give me for my birthday so long as i get to rip off the wrapping paper and discover something that someone actually bought specially for me.

aWww, that sounds so sweet doesn't it.

ok, that's not me.

and i've taken a liking to writing keita's name all over the place lately.

ok, what am i doing here when i should be studying. wishlist under construction. check regularly for updates in the wish list.

oh man, i sound like a desperate birthday girl.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Saturday, September 04, 2004

1:12 PM

currently listening to: 從心愛你 [Daniel Chan]

hey, hate to say this but i gotta chill out for a while.

this means there shall not be much updating anymore UNTIL my 'O' Levels are over. of course, i have absolutely no control over whether i will still update during this period, but it will only be... once a month or so?

i have to study... sobx...



maybe i will still look for some w-inds. information. their single's gonna come out soon this month, which means that they will probably have one more single at most, coming out at the year-end.

yes, that shall be the only reason i'm going online. =)

but it still means this blog's gonna rest for a while.

yeah i'm gonna fight~ fight~FIGHT~~~



before i go, here are some pictures of KEITA in THE SYSTEM OF ALIVE TOUR CONCERT!!!!







w-inds. ish da BEST~~~~



ok, it's time for goodbye~~ wish me luck for the exams...



and to my brother: I'LL DIG YOUR EYES OUT IF YOU'RE STILL READING MY BLOG!! *curses*

lyrics to GIVE A REASON by MEGUMI HAYASHIBARA:

memagurushii jikan no mure ga
hashiri nukeru machi wa SABANNA
kawaru ga waru SYU-RU na NYU-SU
asu ni nareba daremo wasurete'ru

ikite-iru, ima ikite-iru
sonna naka de nanika wo motome
mogaku you ni nukedasu you ni
kono chikara wo tameshite mitaku

kitto dokoka ni "kotae" aru
umarete-kita kotae ga
hito wa minna, sore wo motome
yarusenai nogasenai yume ni mukau no

kizutsuku koto wa kowakunai
dakedo kesshite tsuyokunai
tada, nanimo shinai mama de
kuyandari wa shitakunai
Here we go! go! hashiri-tsudzukeru
dare ni mo tomerare wa shinai
mirai no jibun e to
Give a reason for life todoketai

[Instrumental]

hakari shirenai ooki na yami ga
oto wo tatete mukatte kite mo
asa ga kireba dareka ga ireba
kokoro ni aru zetsubou wa keseru

motto tsuyoku IME-JI shite
hohoende'ru jibun wo
shinjite'ru omoi, sore ga
nani yori mo dare yori mo yume ni chikadzuku

GO-RU ni motaretari shinai
tatoe, tadoritsuitatte
atarashii yume ga kitto
watashi no senaka osu kara
Here we go! go! hashiri-tsudzukeru
dare ni mo tomerare wa shinai
mirai no jibun e to
Give a reason for life todoketai

[Guitar Solo]

kitto dokoka ni "kotae" aru
umarete-kita kotae ga
hito wa minna, sore wo motome
yarusenai nogasenai yume ni mukau no

kizutsuku koto wa kowakunai
dakedo kesshite tsuyokunai
tada, nanimo shinai mama de
kuyandari wa shitakunai
Here we go! go! hashiri-tsudzukeru
dare ni mo tomerare wa shinai
mirai no jibun e to
Give a reason for life todoketai

bye~~~ *smiles*

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Thursday, September 02, 2004

9:28 PM

currently listening to: Night Deluxe [Lead]


Celine


Star Ocean EX
brought to you by Quizilla

i'm celine?? i wanted leon!!


Leon


Star Ocean EX
brought to you by Quizilla

=)

leon's so cute!!! have you read Star Ocean: Blue Sphere?

in an anime/manga mood today.

suddenly i realised that i've signed up for a lot of fanlistings.

ALOT.

hmm... i guess i'm a natural fan. =Pp

oh and i skipped mrs choo's f&n high programme today. feeling a little apprehensive about it. wonder if she's gonna fry us with the frying slice we got for her for teachers' day... *shivers*

maybe i shouldn't worry so much. i'm not exactly worried about getting scolded by HER, but rather that she might tell mrs koh or mr chiam, and this might mean the end of my wonderful september holidays, where i have a whole schedule of thingys coming up. *shimmers*

i made alot of important decisions today, about myself. since the day has to come one day, i guessed i better be prepared to face it. what an awful thought...

oh! i wanted to say this a long time ago!!!

NEW SINGLE
『風が強い／夕晴れの空』
2004.9.15 RELEASE

前作「キレイだ」より3ヶ月ぶりとなる待望のニューシングル！
大型タイアップ進行中の「風が強い」を収録した両A面仕様！


初回盤（ＤＶＤ付き）税込￥１，２６０（全２曲収録）
通常盤（ＣＤのみ）　税込￥１，１１３（全２曲収録）


this means w-inds. new single is gonna come out soon!!! i heard that there's gonna be TWO WHOLE PVS!!! i can't wait, i can't wait, i can't wait, i can't wait... *mumbles*

countdown to the 15th of September: 13 days!!

err.. but this means 15 days left to the Prelims.

NOT GOOD.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

2:36 PM

currently listening to: Pieces of a Dream [Chemistry]

watching an episode from Zoe Tay's travels yesterday, i suddenly had a yearning to go to barcelona.

yeah you're right, i was TRYING to study yesterday and when all i could cram into my mind of one page of Physics MCQs before my brain broke down into a series of splitting headaches, i settled down and stared at the television, which was featuring Zoe Tay's trip to Barcelona.

you cannot imagine how appealing the sights in Barcelona was to me. i wanted to grab my passport and demand money from my father then fly there immediately and...

I WENT THERE!!!

i stared at the peaceful town right before my eyes and walked straight to the seaside where there was only tranquility and no one else. what an amazing feeling... i felt the cool wind blowing my hair about (which i had stupidly let down) as if it was some candle flame in the wind, but i couldn't care less. then right in front of me i saw a group of turtles crawling out of the sea!!

i was so excited about witnessing the scene i had been so familiar with in books, when, out of nowhere, an eagle swept down and i screamed.

a dream.

darn, i knew it was too good to be true. and it would have been a good dream if not for that stupid eagle!

reality hit me like it had never hit me before. exactly how many times have i been disappointed just as i thought success was near? exactly how many times have i been forced to do something i didn't like for the benefit of something else?

all my life.

waiting for something i'm not even sure of myself, stupidly believing that some people will never change and remain their sweet and understanding self, forcing myself to perform for something so indefinite that it becomes so scary at the thought of not being able to achieve it.

but maybe i should stop being a pessimist, and hit the books once again. maybe when this year is over, the answer would be revealed.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。