currently listening to: my brother talking on the phone [Right Beside Me At Home]

(with the exclusion of emily)

let me start out by apologising to everyone out there whom i had troubled today with my sudden 'outburst' and emotional breakdown. GOMENASAI!!!!

special thanks and apologies to xinwei, jiehui, judy, alrina and yulong, for being there when i needed them. extreme apologies to the members of the class T design as well.

today was a loong day, with not much happening until something occurred which really had me feeling as if a had just been punched in the face in a dark dark room. ok, let's just say that i got troubled because of emily again.

so after some really critical and rude treatment from emily, i returned to the classroom while jiehui was trying to keep up with my somewhat fast speed (sorry hor..). ok, i didn't return to the classroom, i went to the toilet instead, and stayed there for what? 15-20 minutes? grieving over the unreasonable treatment i received from the stupid tuitor and what she is bound to do after ticking me off. and that is to trouble my mother.

i mean, i can accept whatever she's gonna throw at me because that was what i had expected from the minute i realised i had to make the damn phone call. the thing that i was so upset about was SHE is gonna CALL my MOTHER during this PEAK hour, when i could see that she was already EXTREMELY busy when i called her earlier on for the number, and start to SPIT out the complaints that she has against me and my BROTHER.

my BROTHER. what has it got to do with him anyway?? the first thing she said when i told her i had to cancel the tuition was: "you are... no your and your BROTHER are so irresponsible with no respect for the ELDERLY(so she admits) and expect people to do your bidding just as you please without considering their feelings. i tell u wat lar, xinyi, this has happened MANY TIMES already (note the 'many times') and if it is going to be like that, let's just cancel the whole thing ok(this means she wants to stop the tuition). CLICK-- PUPUPU..." and she hung up.

god, i haven't even time to tell her my 'supposed' reason (i apologise for this) for having to cancel the tuition today and she just went on and on and on, even dragging my BROTHER into this. i just hate it when people get hurt just because of me, and even more so when the person concern is actually my BROTHER.

and this is not just gonna implicate my brother and me only, that crazy woman is gonna start pouring her saliva all over my mum, who is equally annoyed with her and has even promised to gang up with me when i put rat poison into her coffee at the last lesson for my whole entire life and make her life hell. this is in addition to the fact that my father has reminded me upteen times NOT to trouble my mother with matters of tuition because she is already very stressed up with work. and still this crazy woman is gonna call her with news of my 'defiency' in my mother's PEAK HOUR????

there was a sudden agitation, no... feelings of dread and resentment or something like that when i realised that my mother is gonna know of this. i mean, it's ok to tell her the truth when i want to, which i always do since the heavy punishment i received for lying about my maths grades the other time, and i know that she won't be angry over this because she knows, too, exactly how annoying (or in dialect, 'NIAO')emily is. so this goes down to say that she doesn't wanna hear her voice because it digusts her (this is true, she would go shopping deliberately whenever i have tuition. so does my whole family) and yet emily is gonna CALL HER??? how can she stand it and how can i ever live it down???

and the stupid fact is that if i had really been irresponsible (this was what she said), would i even bother to CALL her?? i would have just went on with the meeting and not give a damn about her! yet she claims to have been 'suffering' from this for MANY TIMES already. this is the first time i tried to call her for god's sake!

and right now i am not even sure what she wants to do. is she gonna cancel the tuition permanently, or is she gonna continue. the more important thing is, is she gonna continue my brother's tuition??? she can't stop it just because she bears a grudge against me, isn't it?? plus i haven't have the heart to tell my mother about the incident too, and this is like a big dark shadow lurking about me, making me feel so nervous and so drained just worrying about what is gonna happen in the future. thankfully, though my brother knows about this too, he doesn't seem to make much commotion about it. wonder if realises the REAL situation (as in the tuition for him may stop forever) but it still kinda makes me feel guilty about treating him so badly in the past.

another thing that got me upset was the fact that this stupid personal problem has also affected the people around me. the class T meeting was called off because i refused to budge from the toilet seat in the cubicle, and i am feeling really guilty over it right now. everyone of them went home after waiting 1/2 an hour for me. my closer friends got it even worse. they had to sit down beside me (all of them) and wait for me to clear my tears then accompany me home, where we got blown about (yes, BLOWN about and drenched thoroughly) by the heavy downpour that came as i stupidly insisted that we walk to white sands.

the fact that i troubled so many people really left me feeling so guilty and helpless. it is only now that i realised that i a such a weakling who breaks down so easily, even affecting the people around me. i am so very very sorry.

right now, i am really stuck in a situation where i am helpless no matter which alternative i choose.

sigh. living a life is just so hard.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。