currently listening to: Is It You [Hitomi]

you don't wanna read this. really, you don't want to read this so please don't read this.

it can't be considered a good day today if you ask me. at least it was bad enough to have my head hurting for half the day that the only thing i could do was lie down in bed and sleep.

why can't people be more reasonable when they are gonna get displeased? i mean, sometimes when people get angry, i can't even figure out exactly WHAT the blah is happening. don't ask my friends, they don't know too. that's the main part of the headache.

and when it's suppose to be a GROUP discussion, doesn't it involve EVERYONE in the group? then how come i get things like, "its ok. the final decision lies with you anyway" etc etc?? i get so really pissed off and can absolutely "catch no ball" as to why this is happening that it really gets onto my nerves and ruin the day for me.

have i ever done anything to imply that i was trying to take full charge of it? have i ever said that, "no, i'm the boss so you have to listen to me", like what emily does? and didn't everyone sort of want me to do what i am doing now which currently has them rather displeased over?? i really can't figure things out but if this is gonna be the case, i'm just speechless because there is nothing else i can say or do, isn't it.

the designs, the people, and the problem with emily which i have yet to settle, is really enough to give me gigantic headache. this is beside the fact that i am constantly worried about the prelims drawing so near.

friends, for a fact, are something that i feel really ironic towards, if you know what i mean. i say i don't wanna trouble them, yet it is only today that i realise how much trouble i have been giving them DAILY. and i know that this is something i really don't like and can you believe that i actually didn't even NOTICE i was doing something i don't like? i'm just so BLAH BLAH now.

and for the first time in my whole entire life, i actually felt SICK of studying today. in fact i felt SICK about everything today. sometimes i just wish that i can just not try to crack my wretched brain trying to figure out stupid questions which i personally think is not gonna help me much in the future. i see problem sum no. 1 today, i don't see it tomorrow, or ever again, anymore, and that's the way it goes. it just so... sick. thisis in addition to the fact that i don't like studying at all (not rare, isn't it) yet i have to force myself to study just because... i don't know because of what. and this, is the question.

don't tell me it's for my own good. don't tell me i need it to survive. though i know, sadly, that it is true, i just can't see why abilities are assessed on ACADEMIC grades. something that you suppossedly write on a paper, give it to someone and let them put some ticks and crosses on it, get it back and that's it. the numbers on it determines whether you are gonna be 'smart', or just plain 'stupid'.

personally, i don't like the way this system works, and i don't think it's working too. a person's capabilty can't be distinguished between an A1 and a D7. i don't know how i should phrase it but it's just... like that. the frustrating thing is, even though i know that i detest this system, i can't get out of it. i can't and i dare not get out of it, sad to say. i'm such a wimp.

and despite having so much of the blah in school, factors like friends, family, TEACHERS, your own personal privacy and blah blah, this all adds up and sooner or later it will snowball into something, something that i don't know exactly what but will not be pleasant or exactly nice, in the sense.

now, i really start to understand why people choose to commit suicide. the xinyi in the past would say: "they are stupid. they just can't think things through", without realising that the things CAN'T be thought through. or maybe they can but it would take someone near to gaining sainthood or the like to be able to do it. in my case, i can't, truly.

maybe not yet, who knows right. it's just that right now i am really feeling BLAH and almost wish that i had never been born. it's that bad....

i think.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。