currently listening to: Graceful World [Every Little Thing]

the other day i was stuck out of my own house with only 1 hour left to my ENGLISH tuition (nah, not emily) and feeling damn BLAH over the situation.

banging on the door with such might that i can swear that the door looks a little bent to me right now, i shouted and screamed and kicked at the damn door, all the while thinking that my pig of a brother was sleeping inside the nice comfy room while i was outside sweating and suffering from a overloaded bladder.

this, of course, attracted the block's residents and many of them came running out and exclaimed: " they cutting down trees ar? or is it another loan-shark??", only to find something worse-- a 15 year-old girl in weird coloured uniform banging and screaming away at the yellow door while jumping around at the doorway (due to overloaded bladder) like a over-enthusiastic rabbit-lover.

after around 1/2 an hour of the performance, i noticed the strange atmosphere and turned to find them staring at me as if i was a loony escapee from woodbridge. it suddenly hit me that i still wasn't sure whether my brother was really back home. alas, to my embarrassment, i couldn't find his shoes at the rack.

resigning to my fate, i sat by the doorway while imagining all sorts of things that could happen once my bladder burst and, worse still, if my tuition teacher arrived and saw that happening.

just when a alien bee (green in colour) buzzed towards me and i thought i was going to in the hands of it, the sweetest voice sounded, "hey, come in and call your parents." my friendly neighbour, Auntie Ah-Huay (Flower) was beckoning to me in chinese with an angelic smile on her face.

"can i use your toilet??? *desperate*"

and so i seeked refuge in her house until my parents finally arrived with the key. luckily my tuition teacher was late by 1/2 hour too. so i actually got stuck outside for 1 1/2 hours. what a day.

something that touched me was the friendly gesture on the part of auntie ah-huay. to think that i always care less about greeting her because i thought it was too troublesome. to think that i don't even notice her presence sometimes. to think that i have taken my neighbours for granted.

SIN.

anyway, about today. i think i finally finished my part of the class t-shirt. it is OVER!!!! YIPPEE~! YAY~! HURRAY~! CHEERS~! YAHOOOO~! WEEE~! OH YEAH~!!!!

and jiehui sent me part of her newest story too. bet you guys are dying to read it. she actually asked me to finish the story in my way but... hehehehe....

There was once a girl who led a very secluded life with her only living relative left in the world – her grandmother. Her grandmother was well respected, or one could also say well feared, by the villages that lived nearby. They knew her simply as Noe, the old midwife. When there was someone in labor, Noe would be the one who would be there, watching over the mother and her child, murmuring strange words into the mother’s ears that always seemed to lessen their pain and result in a smooth delivery. She also knew which herbs would cure this or lessen pain.

For years, Noe and her little granddaughter lived in the small hut at the outskirts of the peaceful village, surviving stifling summers and harsh winters with the kind offerings of the villagers or what little fees Noe could bring home after each birth delivery. However, unknowing to them, their peaceful lives were about to change with the arrival of two strangers at the village inn.

‘May I ask if there rooms for the two of us for tonight?’ the dark, heavy-set man asked, ‘my friend and I would like to have two separate rooms, please.’

The next day, both strangers were seen on the main street of the village, asking questions about an old lady with mysterious healing powers and owns a black cat. They told the villagers that they were witch hunters. Upon hearing about the identity of the two strangers, there was much buzz in the normally peaceful village. Immediately, much speculations were made, the most outstanding of all was the one on the cause of death of the blacksmith’s wife who died while delivering a baby. Unfortunately, both the mother and child died.

On that fateful day, Noe’s assistance was required at the blacksmith’s small cottage. However, Noe did not go. Her reason was that she was too tired to go. Despite her old age and fragile frame, Noe could be very determined when the need arose. Even her old friend and neighbor could not persuade her.

This was one of such incidences that the villagers cited. To them, it was proof that Noe was a familiar with the dark angels.

The door trembled as the villagers, led by the two mysterious witch hunters, banged on Noe’s door.

Noe opened the door and faced the belligerent mob calmly, stroking her black cat, which was cradled on the crook of her arm.

The villagers began asking questions all at once. A villager, the blacksmith, even reached out and grabbed her arm roughly, forcing her to admit her dark dealings.

A witch hunter held up his hand for silence. ‘We shall know if this old woman is a familiar with the dark angels soon enough.’ With that, he and is companion began issuing orders to the villagers to tie her hands behind her back. Another villager snatched up the hissing cat hesitatingly by the scruff of its neck.
‘ Darn! I’m too late. They had taken them away!’ the lady who burst into the deserted hut exclaimed, frustrated.

She heard a slight whimper from the bedroom and went in to check.

‘Dernie!’ the little girl burst out of the bedroom closet and into the woman’s arms. ‘Dernie, they took Noe away! They took Noe away!’ the girl sobbed piteously.

to be continued...

if it was gonna end in my way:

then XINYI barged into the house with Noe by her side. she had saved Noe from the witch hunters. from then on, everyone loved and admired her and she lived happily ever after~~~

THE END

ok i've got to study for my chemistry mock examinations... this is going to be one TOUGH test...

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Monday, July 26, 2004

10:38 PM

currently listening to: Jewel of Kiss [Shimatani Hitomi]

feel a little guilty now.

why? it's not really my fault but i just feel that since i am part of this family, i should be considered as one of the 'baddies' too.

this indonesian maid of mine has worked in my house for around 4 months. her inability to comprehend any of our languages has led my family members to the final decision that she shall be sent back home.

i agree that the language barrier is a huge problem, plus the fact that she does not seem to have much common 'city sense', having stayed in a backward village for so long. so the events that unfolded during these four months were rather unbearable, a little humorous and most of the time annoying, owing to the fact that once she makes a mistake, my mother, grandmother and aunts would scream their heads off at the poor girl.

she has worked hard these few months, but the gap between a modern city dweller and a backward villager is simply too large and would take too much time to overcome. unfortunately, my family members do not have the patience, and they are sending her back tomorrow.

despite the fact that i agree with their thinking that she cannot work for long in my household, i simply cannot stand the fact that they are going to just send her back to the agency tomorrow, without even INFORMING her, and employ another maid instead. so you can expect her shocked expression when my mother march her to the agency tomorrow. the poor girl won't even know what is going on!!!

my efforts to intervene in such an unfair situation is futile. my mother simply rebukes that she knows what to do and needs no instruction from a KID like ME. yet in a corner of my mind, i feel really guilty towards this indonesian maid of mine, because i am absolutely helpless about her plight, and being a part of this 'cruel' family of mine makes me rather uneasy and not exactly comfortable.

i don't want to insult my own family.

sigh.

she's going off tomorrow... what shall i do? or rather, what CAN i really do...

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Sunday, July 25, 2004

4:35 PM

currently listening to: First Love [Aya Matsuura]



$20.... worth it???

what am i talking about, OF COURSE IT'S WORTH IT!!!

but the seller did not state that it's in "GOOD CONDITION".. what if it turns out to be BROKEN???

DON'T CARE! HAVE TO BUY!!

plus it's an online auction... can't guarantee that it will be safe you know...

ah... so should i buy???

-_-"

no, what i really want is that shirt.





the shirt?? i bet it's ten times your size!!!

but it's still a w-inds. shirt! and it's so cute! see the w-inds. cartoon on it?

don't kid yourself! the stupid guy won't sell the shirt to a FOREIGNER!!

sobx. then i want the w-inds. keychain!!



hmm.. maybe you can consider that.. but it's so expensive..

then what about THIS???



err.. what's is this suppose to be?

i don't know.

-_-"

but it's so CUTE~~

yeah sure you can consider this unidentified object.

the cap!!



YOU DON'T EVEN WEAR CAPS!!!

Prime of Life tour 2004 concert booklet!!



*eyes bulge out* SO EXPENSIVE!!!

BWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! i'm so sad!!!

* xinyi then faints due to extreme depression.

-- 4E5 Class T-shirt final designs: http://geocities.com/hsc_4e5/

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Saturday, July 24, 2004

10:49 PM

currently listening to: Mou Sukoshi[Kiroro]

after near a week of not touching the computer, I'M BACK!!

read many blogs and found almost everyone of them narrating the PIKACHOO incident that happened yesterday.

truly, her lessons are really SPEcTACULARLY intolerable, requiring you to sit in a smelly, disgusting, unhygienic room enduring at least an hour of her all-powerful nagging, starting soft as if she was talking to an ant, then CRESCENDO-ing while raising her eyebrows so high up that all her wrinkles show (yeah, not only her armpits are wrinkled). so the lesson goes something like this:

i am not your serVANT YOU DON't EXPECT ME TO *raise eyebrows* do all the work for yOU ALL THE *raise eyebrows* Time. you peoPLE HAVE TO LEARN TO *raise eyebrows* Be resPONsible people you can't exPECT THE TEAchers TO DO *raise eyebrows* YOur bidding all the time....

please keep in mind that the few points are always repeated so many times that you really feel like punching her in the face and when coming to a decision between the intolerably "ADORABLE" pikaCHOO and the legendary BLENDER, the latter is always chosen.

believe me lar, it's that bad and even worse.

anyway enough talk on CHOO. my MATANTEI LOKI manga came today!!!!!!!! *happy happy*. about to finish the first book and proceeding to the other SIX. aww, i'm the luckiest person on earth.

the art style is very very different though. resembling ONE PIECE, and that is not really spectacular (for me). it was better in RAGNAROK for sure. maybe the illustrator improves as he went about drawing the series. which reminds me of my current progress in drawing on the waste papers painstakingly dug out by pipi from her file. i can't seem to draw the EYES anymore, and that is bad. sigh. i always had a problem with the body too. maybe i should take up an anime art course someday . *sparkles*

oh and this reminds me about the class T. it's coloured and ready for comments, except that i am currently waiting for the files to be sent to me or posted on the net. *winkz* hehehe... and after everyone have given their comments, i will call the manufacturer and the issue will be OVER!!! *happy happy* i can't wait~~

lastly. DEPRESSING!!! w-inds.' prime of life concert tour has already started and besides not being able to WATCH the concert (heartaches), i can't even get their CONCERT GOODS!!!! oh i am just SOOOO depressed.....

SOB.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Sunday, July 18, 2004

9:33 PM

currently listening to: Find The Way [Gundam Seed]]

i just have to put this up before i'm gonna disappear for one whole week.









i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert.i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert...

extra:



i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert.i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert. i wanna go watch w-inds. concert...

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

6:36 PM

currently listening to: Hiyashinsu [Aya Matsuura]

seating on the toilet bowl with my head leaning against the sides of the sink (located conveniently just beside the toilet seat), i thought my life was over as i vomit out pools of PINK substance and felt the lower back part of my body resembling that of a running tap.

please do not picture the sight. i am embarrassed already.

i ended up skipping the HISTORY MOCK EXAM, which i suppose was a good thing, and spent the rest of day sleeping in bed under layers of blankets and vomitting out whatever i had ate in a myriad of colours with body temperature of 38.5C. comparing it with the latter, i preferred the exam.

after sleeping for about 3/4 of the day, i thought i was healthy enough to at least touch the computer and work on the shirt. after only staring at the computer for an hour, i felt ready to puke and i did just that after successfully installing the troublesome photoshop cs into the computer. so i ended up sleeping the rest of the day away.

in general, I HATE nausea. is this how i am gonna feel if i finally get pregnant one day?? then i'm NOT GONNA HAVE KIDS!!!

so i'm rather back in shape today, minus the strange feeling that's lingering around in my stomach as if waiting for the right moment to make me puke rainbows again. just thinking about the re-exam that i'm probably gonna seat for tomorrow makes the threat even more realistic...

*pukes*

strangely, xinwei and my cousin fell ill yesterday too. i'm not sure about xinwei but i heard she had the same symptoms as me (feels suspicious about the PASTRIES) but my cousin really had it. he was suppose to go for the NDP rehearsal yesterday (the P5 rehearsal) but was too sick to attend. considering how excited he was about it the past few days, he was really dealt with a blow when he realised he was gonna miss it. he must have been really disappointed. the fireworks display changed this year too.

oh, i'm probably gonna be away for quite some time, due to the fact that i'm not going to have the computer with me for the rest of the week (mother's gonna go overseas). so no more updating until then i guess.

sigh.

and i have yet to work things out for liping's present, which is ALREADY overdue but i just do not have the energy to go shop for it (sick sick sick...). i guess i'll have to make it up to her somehow... so sorry...

for some unknown reason, i feel like going back to choir for just a short while and sing my heart out. then shall be able to mix with shihui and the like again~~ maybe i shall pop in with the others some time but i just hope i won't get the.. *ahem* TREATMENT.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

8:47 PM

currently listening to: Thank You My Dear Friends [Aya Matsuura]

a day where the timetable promises to wear us out on every tuesday of the week, where we would have FOUR SINGLE periods CONSECUTIVELY and another THREE periods of FOOD AND NUTRITION (made worse by the presence of pikachoo). before we had a chance to psyche ourselves to prepare for the next lesson, the teacher walks in and demands the class to stand and greet her, forcing us to drag our feet to a stand for the SEVENTH time of the day within TWO hours. what's worse?? getting splashed by their saliva (esp when you're sitting in the front row) and an earful from them complaining how unpresentable your work is and demands for it to be redone. ok, i wasn't the one who redid it (poor judy~) but i was the one who stood there and got scolded though.

all through the day, with a HELL of a timetable and teachers who all seemed to have gone all awry in their heads today, i was suffering from ACHING LEGS, which forced me to walk in a half-seating fashion for some part of the day. i looked like an idiot who wanted to have a seat badly but had a wart on my butt that prevented me it from having any contact with the ground. just a comparison, but it was THAT bad.

the thing with me, the thing that made me sit here, typing away, is the fact that i have NO determination at all. i was staring at the social studies source-based questions and i suddenly felt sick of humanities and went to bed with my hair wet so i am now suffering from 'deformed hair' due to the bad quality of my hair, which, supposedly, is inherited from AH MA (referring to the one in choir). hey!! what's with the lousy genes!!! *furious-ing*

i have a bad feeling that if this is gonna carry on, i am not only going to suffer from DEFORMED HAIR, but also the nightmare of FAILING my prelims, ruining my hope of getting into TJC. can't understand the reasons for the sudden disinterest in studying. worse thing is, i think i actually LIKE DOING MATHEMATICS nowadays, especially in class. jiepi (jiehui) claims that it's because i can bombard her with questions which i don't know. partly true, but my sudden passion for maths is creepy.

I WAS BORN TO HATE MATHS!!

so let me get this clear, is this a stage of puberty where my body is gonna change both physically and MENTALLY?? if so, WHY AM I STILL SO SHORT???? and i don't want my mentality to DEGENERATE!!! liking maths is a forbidden sin.

guess i'll snap out of it soon. this can't be happening. not so much of maths, actually, but because I CAN'T CONCENTRATE ON MY STUDIES!!! urgh... what should i do.

maybe i'm just too tired today. no, i'm just to tired everyday. no, i'm... what am i saying?!?!?!?! EXCUSES NOT ACCEPTED!!! must work hard must work hard.... *suffering from examination breakdown*

CAT B GRP 1!!!! CAT B GRP 1!!!! CAT B GRP 1!!!! CAT B GRP 1!!!! CHIONG AR!!!!!!~~

-_-"

oh, the best thing that happened today is probably the fact that we (xinwei, jiehui, judy, alrina, me) came across a MANGA SALE at white sands, where the mangas ranged from only 20 cents to 50 cents!!!!! can't believe our luck when we discovered the treasure cove. can't believe MY luck either, when i found out that the mangas i wanted were not included in the sale. X_X

so i thought i'd try my luck at the 'PICTURE BOX', where crazy schoolgirls were digging through it to find the pictures that they wanted. as usual, i wanted w-inds.'!!! so i joined the crowd.

something hit me as i was diggin through the pile. w-inds. pictures at the measly price of 4 for $1???? INSULT!!!!!!! so i stopped digging.

HOWEVER, i returned to the box (i don't know why either), with the company of the rest of the gang, and we started digging like CRAZY AUNTIES for w-inds. pictures (for myself) and laughing to ourselves while the salesguy eyed us suspiciously, as if deciding between calling the woodbridge mental hospital and taking our picture with his HANDPHONE and sending them to the school with the lable "CRAZY HAISIAN AUNTIES", then threaten to send them to the newspapers if the school did nothing about our 'unruly behaviour'.

as if the press would care.

anyway, we manages to uncover FOUR w-inds. pictures while i was squealing to myself in glee, attracting the strange stares from the schoolgirls that were around us.

HOW EMBARRASSING!!!!!

but for w-inds., who cares. should be more concerned over my studies instead, and i sound like an 'o' level student who has freaked out only FOUR months before 'THE SHENJING MASSACRE' that is going to take place in our school hall not far in the future.

FINE LAR!!! i'm one.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Monday, July 12, 2004

6:13 PM

currently listening to: Find the Way [Mika Nakashima]

after careful consideration, maybe i've been too pessimistic about the whole situation.

i guess it's the stress that's been piling up ever since the arrival of emily + the realization that the prelims are drawing near + the fact that i was designing the shirt, that led me to such pessimistic feelings.

i apologise for being a pessimist!!! i read through my recent entries and sorta found it a drag to read them because they deliver such dark feelings that i myself dislike. it must have been quite a chore for you guys to actually read them~

XINYI THE OPTIMIST IS BACK!! (even though i don't really believe in gorbachev's reforms.)

it was rather funny after school today. xinwei, judy, alrina, jiehui and i went to BK today, where we had a fit reading jiehui's essay.

beautiful description, wonderful vocabularly, a display of jiehui's literary talent and.... GROSSNESS (is there such a word?). but i better not talk so much about it here otherwise she will poke me to death. =X

just a clue-- xinwei suggested putting a life rat in a blender and...

eeyucks.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Sunday, July 11, 2004

10:19 PM

currently listening to: Depend on You [Ayumi Hamasaki]

when i was told that emily was gonna get out of my life forever, i thought my troubles were over. it is only now that i realise they are, for a fact, NOT OVER, and is getting worse by day. troubles never end. when you think you are over with one, another develops and tries to make your life hell like it always does.

no, it's not emily. she's officially out of my life. this time, it's the shirt.

i always had the funny feeling that some people were not exactly happy that i was designing part of the shirt but after careful consideration i brushed it off because i wanted to get the shirt issue over and done with as soon as possible. it was getting on my nerves.

i thought the most efficient way where everyone would be happy with the design of the shirt, was to let the whole class decide on its type and design. also, the meeting with the t-shirt committee couldn't produce much results because most of us thought that the decision would lie with the rest of the class, plus the fact that not all the members of the committee were present so it would not be good for us to make decisions ourselves. so, with the designs suggested and drawn by the T-shirt committee, and the decisions about where they will be placed and what size they will be, i happily passed the design suggestion list around the class, thinking that once the suggestion list is filled, the T-shirt issue would be OVER!

but for some reason, some people seem to think that i have been making decisions on my own about the shirt and have not consulted the committee. so, i thought about how i had handled the matter to find out exactly how this kind of thinking surfaced.

the following are the reasons i could think of:

1} i have been talking too much during the committee meeting.
2? i was the one who drew up the suggestion list and even stated foolishly 'please approach xinyi if u have any doubts or suggestions'.
3) i stupidly showed the whole class my design even before there was a committee meeting.
4) i was the one who asked the committee members to draw out their designs so i could attach them to the suggestion list and pass it around.
5) i was the one who compiled the results of the suggetion list.
6) i have been doing too much about the shirt.
7) simply, my presence irritates some people.
8) also simply, i do not command respect.

for those aware of the situation, please tell me if there are any other reasons because i simply can't think of any more other reasons plus the reasons i thought of are already bad enough and is irking me. help me, please.

i suddenly realised that it was the inborn 'if-i-don't-do-it-no-one-will' genes in my body that resulted in such a situation. maybe i have been too... nosy in the whole t-shirt issue. why so uptight about it??? it's not as if i depend on it for a living isn't it?

SO! i have decided to just let the t-shirt design be. i'm not gonna talk so much about it anymore. i'm just gonna give the selected designs (by class votes) to the t-shirt committee, then do my homework and not talk about it anymore.

somehow, in a small part of my mind, i feel that it just isn't fair. i always had the feeling that people somehow wanted me to do what i did today. yet the result came out as if they had not wanted me to do it from the start. i really don't understand. what is it that's really on their minds??

why am i having the cold treatment for something that they wanted me to do?

simple, yet sarcastic remarks. did i really not consult the committee? gosh, if it's true, then maybe i have been doing such things for the past 16 years, and this is bad. maybe i'm simply not cut out for such leadership roles. perhaps i should just be quiet and let somebody do it instead. i should just stick to being an A-grade nerd who simply seats in a corner and wait for someone's commandeering instructions.

and i wished i had cut off my hands.

NO MORE TALK ON THE SHIRT FOR ME.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Saturday, July 10, 2004

6:04 PM

currently listening to: Lalala Love Song [Long Holiday]

after 6 weeks of struggle (hmm... 6 weeks), i finally got emily off my back!!

this means i shall not be receiving english tuition from her anymore, though i heard that my mother is gonna engage another tuitor for me.

the only regret is probably the fact that she was the one who decided to give me up and not me. this is something like being sacked though you already had the intention to quit but it's just that your boss was much faster in saving what pride he has left. it's ok anyway, everyone in my family knows exactly what happened and they have come to an agreement that it was emily that was being 'hyper' in her decision so let her HAVE her pride.

her reason for quitting was that i have ALWAYS been missing her lessons and she feels that she cannot take it anymore. fact is, i have only missed her lessons TWICE, the first being a mistake plainly due to my absent-mindedness (i did not turn up for tuition because i forgot about it) and the second being the most recent case where she was the one who suggested to stop the tuition permanently after i explained to her that i could not have lessons for that particular day(sigh). so in fact, i have only missed her lessons ONCE, and tried to cancel it for the FIRST time another time and yet she claims blah-ly that i have ALWAYS been missing her lessons. i mean, nobody knows what she's getting at!?

in addition, my brother, a student of hers for 2 years, have been cancelling and missing her lessons for a grand total of almost half a year (separate lessons) and she has yet to complain that she is gonna give my brother up because he has ALWAYS been missing lessons. -_-". did she mixed me up with my brother?? must be aging signs of a spinster....

my conclusion is that she cannot stand my so-called 'tall and mighty' attitude whenever she sees me. this is in addition to the fact that i am abnormally quiet (she doesn't know the real me) during her lessons and this probably created the impression that i was acting cold towards her. on the other hand, i could argue with her if i want to but from previous experienced plus the fact that i have witnessed her flying into a tantrum whenever my brother did that, i was convinced to just sit in my chair and listen to her talk.

so you see, the problem with spinsters is that they are never willing to admit what they like (no?). she LIKES people arguing with her, yet she denies this in front of everybody even though all of us could see her smiling away when her back's turn towards my brother. the reason she flew into terrible tempers was probably, in my opinion, purely due to the that she cannot outtalk my brother in their 'friendly' debates and feels that throwing a tantrum would better help in regaining her supposedly 'i-am-teacher-so-i-am-always-right' image. this, is purely a bad habit of any normal person of the FEMALE species, and especially for an AGED person of the FEMALE species who has yet to MARRY (eg;EMILY).

whatever it is, i am absolutely elated over this piece of news and the thought that i shall not be seeing her again makes me so happy that i even believe I CAN FLY.~ the best thing is, she is still gonna teach my brother so i wouldn't be getting him into trouble. also, after several attempts of dropping hints to my mother of the situation, she managed to get it and accepted it in a peaceful way. in fact, she was the one who delivered me the good news, then asked if i wanna watch SPIDEY later on (heheheh). this means that this problem is officially over and i would have nothing to worry about from now on.

NO TUITION ANYMORE!!!

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Thursday, July 08, 2004

9:54 PM

currently listening to: Melissa [Fullmetal Alchemist]

ok so just to make this clear, i have yet to get over or solve the emily problem. (i am in deep BLAH)

it's chinese oral for the 'O' Levels tomorrow and i have a bad feeling about whatever that is gonna come my way the next day. practised oral with my teacher and friends together and i was like totally "eRr... Ahhh... Hmmm... *looks down and plays with fingers*".

imagine it's the 'O' Levels tomorrow and i am still sitting here typing away!!! frankly, it's because i have no idea what to prepare and how i am gonna go about doing it because i feel that i won't really help me much in a way.

okok, maybe it does help, so i am just LAZY. sigh. SICK of studying. *curses*

i've just downloaded a polyphonic ringtone of w-inds.' LONG ROAD!!! it's a slow version as compared to the original one, but it gives a different feeling which i thought i really liked. heheheheheh.. *happy happy*

i really really REALLY hope that we can get the T-shirt issue over and done with as quickly as possible. i just want to return to the real simple timetable of school then home. can't really stand all the hoo-has and extra lessons that keep interfering with my wish of a simple timetable. this includes all the TUITION and stupid stuff. why can't i just NOT have tuition???? maths is ok, i know i really need help for it but english??

in this case. it's not really a matter about emily because i had refused english tuition right fom the start even before i met her. her coming only further confirmed my thoughts and severely worsened my life. i mean, i don't think i will exactly FAIL my 'O' levels english. maybe i would get a C5 or B4 or the like but i am sorta certain that i won't fail (i hope i don't regret saying this). and i am convinced that all the emphasis on english that i received in school is enough to help me with my english, i don't need an overdose!!

the problem is that they are not convinced about this because my brother, supposedly an A1/A2 student in english, had a D7 in the end so they are worried that the same would happen to me. i can swear that if that had not happened, i wouldn't be having english tuition now. WHAT A NICE THOUGHT....

how i wish i could turn back time. then i would just flunk my PSLE and continue staying in RSS. i wouldn't have to go through all these then.

NO FAITH IN ME, that's what, NO FAITH.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

10:16 PM

currently listening to: Is It You [Hitomi]

you don't wanna read this. really, you don't want to read this so please don't read this.

it can't be considered a good day today if you ask me. at least it was bad enough to have my head hurting for half the day that the only thing i could do was lie down in bed and sleep.

why can't people be more reasonable when they are gonna get displeased? i mean, sometimes when people get angry, i can't even figure out exactly WHAT the blah is happening. don't ask my friends, they don't know too. that's the main part of the headache.

and when it's suppose to be a GROUP discussion, doesn't it involve EVERYONE in the group? then how come i get things like, "its ok. the final decision lies with you anyway" etc etc?? i get so really pissed off and can absolutely "catch no ball" as to why this is happening that it really gets onto my nerves and ruin the day for me.

have i ever done anything to imply that i was trying to take full charge of it? have i ever said that, "no, i'm the boss so you have to listen to me", like what emily does? and didn't everyone sort of want me to do what i am doing now which currently has them rather displeased over?? i really can't figure things out but if this is gonna be the case, i'm just speechless because there is nothing else i can say or do, isn't it.

the designs, the people, and the problem with emily which i have yet to settle, is really enough to give me gigantic headache. this is beside the fact that i am constantly worried about the prelims drawing so near.

friends, for a fact, are something that i feel really ironic towards, if you know what i mean. i say i don't wanna trouble them, yet it is only today that i realise how much trouble i have been giving them DAILY. and i know that this is something i really don't like and can you believe that i actually didn't even NOTICE i was doing something i don't like? i'm just so BLAH BLAH now.

and for the first time in my whole entire life, i actually felt SICK of studying today. in fact i felt SICK about everything today. sometimes i just wish that i can just not try to crack my wretched brain trying to figure out stupid questions which i personally think is not gonna help me much in the future. i see problem sum no. 1 today, i don't see it tomorrow, or ever again, anymore, and that's the way it goes. it just so... sick. thisis in addition to the fact that i don't like studying at all (not rare, isn't it) yet i have to force myself to study just because... i don't know because of what. and this, is the question.

don't tell me it's for my own good. don't tell me i need it to survive. though i know, sadly, that it is true, i just can't see why abilities are assessed on ACADEMIC grades. something that you suppossedly write on a paper, give it to someone and let them put some ticks and crosses on it, get it back and that's it. the numbers on it determines whether you are gonna be 'smart', or just plain 'stupid'.

personally, i don't like the way this system works, and i don't think it's working too. a person's capabilty can't be distinguished between an A1 and a D7. i don't know how i should phrase it but it's just... like that. the frustrating thing is, even though i know that i detest this system, i can't get out of it. i can't and i dare not get out of it, sad to say. i'm such a wimp.

and despite having so much of the blah in school, factors like friends, family, TEACHERS, your own personal privacy and blah blah, this all adds up and sooner or later it will snowball into something, something that i don't know exactly what but will not be pleasant or exactly nice, in the sense.

now, i really start to understand why people choose to commit suicide. the xinyi in the past would say: "they are stupid. they just can't think things through", without realising that the things CAN'T be thought through. or maybe they can but it would take someone near to gaining sainthood or the like to be able to do it. in my case, i can't, truly.

maybe not yet, who knows right. it's just that right now i am really feeling BLAH and almost wish that i had never been born. it's that bad....

i think.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

10:41 PM

currently listening to: my brother talking on the phone [Right Beside Me At Home]

(with the exclusion of emily)

let me start out by apologising to everyone out there whom i had troubled today with my sudden 'outburst' and emotional breakdown. GOMENASAI!!!!

special thanks and apologies to xinwei, jiehui, judy, alrina and yulong, for being there when i needed them. extreme apologies to the members of the class T design as well.

today was a loong day, with not much happening until something occurred which really had me feeling as if a had just been punched in the face in a dark dark room. ok, let's just say that i got troubled because of emily again.

so after some really critical and rude treatment from emily, i returned to the classroom while jiehui was trying to keep up with my somewhat fast speed (sorry hor..). ok, i didn't return to the classroom, i went to the toilet instead, and stayed there for what? 15-20 minutes? grieving over the unreasonable treatment i received from the stupid tuitor and what she is bound to do after ticking me off. and that is to trouble my mother.

i mean, i can accept whatever she's gonna throw at me because that was what i had expected from the minute i realised i had to make the damn phone call. the thing that i was so upset about was SHE is gonna CALL my MOTHER during this PEAK hour, when i could see that she was already EXTREMELY busy when i called her earlier on for the number, and start to SPIT out the complaints that she has against me and my BROTHER.

my BROTHER. what has it got to do with him anyway?? the first thing she said when i told her i had to cancel the tuition was: "you are... no your and your BROTHER are so irresponsible with no respect for the ELDERLY(so she admits) and expect people to do your bidding just as you please without considering their feelings. i tell u wat lar, xinyi, this has happened MANY TIMES already (note the 'many times') and if it is going to be like that, let's just cancel the whole thing ok(this means she wants to stop the tuition). CLICK-- PUPUPU..." and she hung up.

god, i haven't even time to tell her my 'supposed' reason (i apologise for this) for having to cancel the tuition today and she just went on and on and on, even dragging my BROTHER into this. i just hate it when people get hurt just because of me, and even more so when the person concern is actually my BROTHER.

and this is not just gonna implicate my brother and me only, that crazy woman is gonna start pouring her saliva all over my mum, who is equally annoyed with her and has even promised to gang up with me when i put rat poison into her coffee at the last lesson for my whole entire life and make her life hell. this is in addition to the fact that my father has reminded me upteen times NOT to trouble my mother with matters of tuition because she is already very stressed up with work. and still this crazy woman is gonna call her with news of my 'defiency' in my mother's PEAK HOUR????

there was a sudden agitation, no... feelings of dread and resentment or something like that when i realised that my mother is gonna know of this. i mean, it's ok to tell her the truth when i want to, which i always do since the heavy punishment i received for lying about my maths grades the other time, and i know that she won't be angry over this because she knows, too, exactly how annoying (or in dialect, 'NIAO')emily is. so this goes down to say that she doesn't wanna hear her voice because it digusts her (this is true, she would go shopping deliberately whenever i have tuition. so does my whole family) and yet emily is gonna CALL HER??? how can she stand it and how can i ever live it down???

and the stupid fact is that if i had really been irresponsible (this was what she said), would i even bother to CALL her?? i would have just went on with the meeting and not give a damn about her! yet she claims to have been 'suffering' from this for MANY TIMES already. this is the first time i tried to call her for god's sake!

and right now i am not even sure what she wants to do. is she gonna cancel the tuition permanently, or is she gonna continue. the more important thing is, is she gonna continue my brother's tuition??? she can't stop it just because she bears a grudge against me, isn't it?? plus i haven't have the heart to tell my mother about the incident too, and this is like a big dark shadow lurking about me, making me feel so nervous and so drained just worrying about what is gonna happen in the future. thankfully, though my brother knows about this too, he doesn't seem to make much commotion about it. wonder if realises the REAL situation (as in the tuition for him may stop forever) but it still kinda makes me feel guilty about treating him so badly in the past.

another thing that got me upset was the fact that this stupid personal problem has also affected the people around me. the class T meeting was called off because i refused to budge from the toilet seat in the cubicle, and i am feeling really guilty over it right now. everyone of them went home after waiting 1/2 an hour for me. my closer friends got it even worse. they had to sit down beside me (all of them) and wait for me to clear my tears then accompany me home, where we got blown about (yes, BLOWN about and drenched thoroughly) by the heavy downpour that came as i stupidly insisted that we walk to white sands.

the fact that i troubled so many people really left me feeling so guilty and helpless. it is only now that i realised that i a such a weakling who breaks down so easily, even affecting the people around me. i am so very very sorry.

right now, i am really stuck in a situation where i am helpless no matter which alternative i choose.

sigh. living a life is just so hard.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Monday, July 05, 2004

7:37 PM

currently listening to: Fundamental Loop [FLAME]

no school today!!!!!!!!! *eeeyAaaHOOOOOO~!*

despite this being an undeniable fact, today was spent.... fruitlessly.

woke up at only 2 PM and hen watched 3 episodes of matantei loki then started on my assignments ALLLLL the way till right now. throughout the day, the disgusting realisation that i will be having tuition tomorrow with the dreaded spinster EMILY turns me off and to the toilet half the time. (fine, i admit it was my stomach again but hey! there's a relation too, ok!!)

and to aboone, pipi and xiao ai zi (you don't seem to have a nick right?), if you're reading this, please remind me about tuition tomorrow. otherwise i will forget all about it AGAIN.thanks~

returning to the topic about a fruitless day... er.... nothing much to say isn't it..

in other words today was a rEal boring day for me. *regrets*... i should've gone out!!!!

oh and i am also w-inds.-ing right now!!!!!! so maybe it's not such a boring day after all. *bwahahahahahahax*

consoling myself... *sob sob sobx...*

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Sunday, July 04, 2004

10:06 PM

currently listening to: Zhe Yi Miao Zhong (This Second)[Andy Hui]

CAUTION! w-inds. fangirl mode: switched on and adjusted to 'FULL POWER"!!

w-inds.-ing right now!! (*w-inds.-ing: xinyi's term for browsing through w-inds. info, find more about them, pictures etc.)

was a little surprised today as i began my routine w-inds.-ing. surprised at how crazy i am over them. usually it doesn't take long for me (around 1 year or so) to forget about something that i was mad about then. but for w-inds., it's different, and i am glad. *w-inds.*

i absolutely ADORE everything about them-- especially the private side. just watching them lame around is already enough to make my day. going the net and reading 'keita this... keita that...', 'ryohei this... ryohei that...', 'ryuichi this... ryuichi that...', 'w-inds this... w-inds. that...', i'm in seventh heaven~~~ *wahahahaha* --> i sound so crazy. (but sadly, it's true)

was even more surprised when i visited the message boards and found so many fans even more obessed and crazy over w-inds. than me. all of them seemed to have been inspired by w-inds. in a way. some became more confident, stronger, forthright. some became emotional, sensitive, yet looking forward to the future. then i wondered to myself: god, is this all because of w-inds.?

i suddenly realised, w-inds. have affected me in a way too. i have to admit i became more realistic and happy after knowing of them. i began to think alot about many things, realistic things, unlike me in the past when i loved to daydream about unrealistic things like turning into a magical girl and fighting forces of evil etc. *blushes* i actually thought about what i am gonna be when i grow up, what's gonna be my goal in life? and even so, they are heavily influenced by w-inds.~

don't ask me why. maybe it's because i am aware of how hard these guys work for their goals and how determined they are about achieving it. this is something that i know i can never do, at least for now. i have no determination at all. a little negative things will turn me the other way, which is to say, i give up easily.

but this isn't the case with w-inds., they are so sure of what they want in life, and are working very very hard towards it. and the amazing thing is that even as they are working towards their goal, they influence others, giving them hopes and dreams, making them sure of themselves etc., just like they have to me and i feel that being able to do this is such a good thing. being an idol does have benefits too.

so when i started on one of my assignments, one which required me to discuss about youngsters going absolutely crazy about their idols, i began to have a different thinking. the xinyi in the past would have said that 'this is bad thing' without thinking much, but the xinyi right now would say 'this is not a bad thing after all', and this is one of the many ways they have influenced me in my thinking. (*note: i am very sure that this is not the fangirl syndrome.)

being able to give hope and dreams to others is such a fantastic thing, and this has got me into thinking what i am gonna be in the future.

no, i'm NOT gonna dream of being a SUPERSTAR. it's not possible. but i can at least be something close to it. something that helps these idols shape dreams and hopes for their fans, lke w-inds. have done to me and many others. *winkz*

so i am almost 120% right now sure that i am going to go into the media industry when i grow up. but it's still hard to say, isn't it? i shall repeat myself, I HAVE NO DETERMINATION. h0weVer, it might be a little different in this case. who knows?

ALL HAIL w-inds.!!!





hehehe... thought about too many serious things for too long today.... HEADACHE.

P.S. i manage to draw the 'boxing thing' within the borders already!!! *happy happy*
(think only the 3 of them knows what i am talking about.. hahahaha~~)

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。

Thursday, July 01, 2004

9:38 PM

currently listening to: Yume de aru Youni[Tales of Destiny]

not in a very good mood now.

i feel so damn stressed up over the class T thingy. don't know how i got into this anyway. should've cut off my hands when i had the chance.

can't find the stupid printer cd right now when i need to print my 40+-page project that is due tomorrow. worst thing is that the school's printer is STUPID and there isn't enough paper.

i just hate it when i can't do anything. right now my stupid and irresponsible brother i telling a lie right into my mother's face just because he feels that it is too troublesome to tell her the truth.

this kinda stupid attitude is what that is gonna lead him to major problems in the future. he doesn't want to tell my mother ANYTHING. he feels that it's ok even if he is not telling her the truth about things. man, then are you still her son??

he states that: "i don't want to trouble everyone when i tell her." the fact is, he doesn't want trouble for HIMSELF. how nice it sounds when he says 'everyone'.

he doesn't give a damn about what other people think. when he came home real late from school one day, all we did was to say: "WHERE WERE YOU!!?? WE WERE WORRIED SICK!!" then for no reason he would throw his temper and say: "WHAT'S THERE TO WORRY ABOUT??? I DIN ASK YOU TO WORRY!" and i felt like smacking him in the face except that i can't because i had a stomachache then. he doesn't even bother to give a call and my grandmother would stand for hours by the window, with the dinner that she prepared all cold, waiting for him to return home. IRRESPONSIBLE IDIOT.

similar situations, and even worse, have already happened many times and he is always like that. worse thing is, he doesn't even admit his mistake!! always using his gift of the gab to shirk all responsibility and make it seem as if WE were in the wrong, just like the earlier case. doesn't know that he is only cheating himself.

i feel like typing vulgarities. he is such a JERK.

記憶は明日のために強さになるものだよ。きっと。